Sam Hain deals with things that shouldn't exist: demons, undead, shape-shifters, anything that preys on humans great opening hook but 'anything that preys on humans' doesn’t seem to connect to 'things that shouldn't exist'. What about regular old wolves? What about serial killers? I think if you're talking about demons and the undead, we can assume that they're not good..
A desperate mother comes to him as a last hope of finding her son, Bryan. She reveals he isn't the first child to go missing in the town of Lurnley.
Delving into the town's history, Sam learns the disappearances began after a collapse in the local mine. Bryan's journal details his encounter with a black-eyed girl in the days before he went missing creepy and intriguing, love this. His description of her bears a striking resemblance to the child who vanished before him even more interesting. A few talkative locals report sightings of black-eyed kids approaching the other children who later disappeared. Convinced the mine, the black-eyed kids, and the missing children are connected, Sam descends into the mine, where he discovers a creature unlike any he has encountered before semicolon A a monster of shadows, powerful enough to gut a man in a blink, and immune to his usual weapons. It's too fast to fight and a bullet won't pierce its hide that's repeating what you just said.
The creature incapacitates him with ease, yet spares him, leaving only a black mark on his arm further coolness. Sam continues his investigation, determined to uncover a way to kill the monster and save the children. He soon finds his body changing, growing weaker with every passing minute every minute makes it seem like it'll all be over in thirty minutes or so. Maybe every hour or every day depending on how long this goes on. The creature's corruption not the right word renders him barely able to walk, let alone fight. Worse still, it grants the monster a connection to his mind. New paragraph But the connection goes both ways. As the creature draws on his Sam's strength and expertise, he discovers a weakness, a possible means to kill it and banish the shadow looming over Lurnley. Now Sam must hunt the monster again and destroy it before he falls victim to its influence he's already become a victim of its influence and becomes a creature of the darkness himself.
At 79,000 words BLACK EYES is an adult urban fantasy novel, and will appeal to fans of books like the Dresden Files as well as shows like Supernatural.
This is very good, clear and compelling. I'd read this. I put a few potential tweaks above but this is ready to go, IMO.
Here's a link to mine (in number 9):