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REVISED: Black Eyes (Urban Fantasy)


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#21 Kimseal

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 07:59 AM

Sam Hain deals with things that shouldn't exist: demons, undead, shape-shifters, anything that preys on humans great opening hook but 'anything that preys on humans' doesn’t seem to connect to 'things that shouldn't exist'. What about regular old wolves? What about serial killers? I think if you're talking about demons and the undead, we can assume that they're not good..

 

A desperate mother comes to him as a last hope of finding her son, Bryan.  She reveals he isn't the first child to go missing in the town of Lurnley.

 

Delving into the town's history, Sam learns the disappearances began after a collapse in the local mine. Bryan's journal details his encounter with a black-eyed girl in the days before he went missing creepy and intriguing, love this. His description of her bears a striking resemblance to the child who vanished before him even more interesting. A few talkative locals report sightings of black-eyed kids approaching the other children who later disappeared. Convinced the mine, the black-eyed kids, and the missing children are connected, Sam descends into the mine, where he discovers a creature unlike any he has encountered before semicolon A a monster of shadows, powerful enough to gut a man in a blink, and immune to his usual weapons. It's too fast to fight and a bullet won't pierce its hide that's repeating what you just said.

 

The creature incapacitates him with ease, yet spares him, leaving only a black mark on his arm further coolness. Sam continues his investigation, determined to uncover a way to kill the monster and save the children. He soon finds his body changing, growing weaker with every passing minute every minute makes it seem like it'll all be over in thirty minutes or so. Maybe every hour or every day depending on how long this goes on. The creature's corruption not the right word renders him barely able to walk, let alone fight. Worse still, it grants the monster a connection to his mind. New paragraph But the connection goes both ways. As the creature draws on his Sam's strength and expertise, he discovers a weakness, a possible means to kill it and banish the shadow looming over Lurnley. Now Sam must hunt the monster again and destroy it before he falls victim to its influence he's already become a victim of its influence and becomes a creature of the darkness himself.

 

At 79,000 words BLACK EYES is an adult urban fantasy novel, and will appeal to fans of books like the Dresden Files as well as shows like Supernatural.

This is very good, clear and compelling. I'd read this. I put a few potential tweaks above but this is ready to go, IMO.

 

Here's a link to mine (in number 9):

http://agentquerycon...sy/#entry340849



#22 CS29

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 01:06 AM

Thank a bunch, Kimseal. Lucky for me, you hit a couple of the parts I'm still obsessing over.

 

Sam Hain deals with things that shouldn't exist: demons, undead, shape-shifters, all manner of supposedly mythical monsters. (I'm not 100% on the end here, but ending at 'shape-shifters' felt a bit...I'm not sure, blunt? short?)

 

A desperate mother comes to him as a last hope of finding her son, Bryan.  She reveals he isn't the first child to go missing in the town of Lurnley.

 

Delving into the town's history, Sam learns the disappearances began after a collapse in the local mine. Bryan's journal details his encounter with a black-eyed girl in the days before he went missing. His description of her bears a striking resemblance to the child who vanished before him. A few talkative locals report sightings of black-eyed kids approaching the other children who later disappeared. Convinced the mine, the black-eyed kids, and the missing children are connected, Sam descends into the mine, where he discovers a creature unlike any he has encountered before: a monster of shadows, powerful enough to gut a man in a blink, and immune to his usual weapons.

 

The creature incapacitates him with ease, yet spares him, leaving only a black mark on his arm. Sam continues his investigation, determined to uncover a way to kill the monster and save the children. He soon finds his body changing, growing weaker with every passing hour. The creature's influence renders him barely able to walk, let alone fight. Worse still, it grants the monster a connection to his mind.

 

But the connection goes both ways. As the creature draws on Sam's strength and expertise, he discovers a weakness, a possible means to kill it and banish the shadow looming over Lurnley. Now Sam must hunt the monster again and destroy it before he succumbs to its power and becomes a creature of the darkness himself.

 

At 79,000 words BLACK EYES is an adult urban fantasy novel, and will appeal to fans of books like the Dresden Files as well as shows like Supernatural.



#23 jaustail

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 01:24 AM

JMO:

 

 

Sam Hain deals with things that shouldn't exist: demons, undead, shape-shifters, anything that preys on humans.

 

A desperate mother comes to him as a last hope of finding her son, Bryan.  She reveals he isn't the first child to go missing in the town of Lurnley.

 

Delving into the town's history, Sam learns the disappearances began after a collapse in the local mine. Bryan's journal details his encounter with a black-eyed girl in the days before he went missing. His description of her bears a striking resemblance to the child who vanished before him. A few talkative locals report sightings of black-eyed kids approaching the other children who later disappeared. Convinced the mine, the black-eyed kids, and the missing children are connected, Sam descends into the mine, where he discovers a creature unlike any he has encountered before. A monster of shadows, powerful enough to gut a man in a blink(how does Sam know this? Write it from Sam's pov. Does Sam see the creature cut a man in a blink?), and immune to his usual weapons. It's too fast to fight(too fast to fight made me think the creature is so fast it cannot fight. maybe reword. even the demons and shape-shifters would be fast. maybe: it's faster than any demon Sam has met till now) and a bullet won't pierce its hide.

 

The creature incapacitates him with ease, yet spares him, leaving only a black mark on his arm. Sam continues his investigation, determined to uncover a way to kill the monster and save the children. He soon finds his body changing, growing weaker with every passing minute. The creature's corruption(nice) renders him barely able to walk, let alone fight. Worse still, it grants the monster a connection to his mind. But the connection goes both ways. As the creature draws on his strength and expertise, he discovers a weakness, a possible means to kill it and banish the shadow looming over Lurnley. Now Sam must hunt the monster again and destroy it before he falls victim to its influence and becomes a creature of the darkness himself.

 

At 79,000 words BLACK EYES is an adult urban fantasy novel, and will appeal to fans of books like the Dresden Files as well as shows like Supernatural.

 

Not many suggestions. Good luck!! I suggest start sending it now. As in let it rest for a day. Don't read it. Don't read any other queries. Then after a day write this query in word and change font and color. And then open in pdf or print. Reading in new format at times gives fresh perspective.



#24 speedchuck

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 02:50 PM

Sam Hain deals (how? Is he a hunter? Detective? Mediator?) with things that shouldn't exist: demons, undead, shape-shifters, all manner of supposedly mythical monsters. Adding something snarky here would be endearing. Like "As long as he gets paid for it." or some other original character motivation. If you can sum that up in a snarky way.

A desperate mother comes to him as a last hope of finding her son, Bryan. She reveals  He isn't the first child to go missing in the town of Lurnley.

Delving into the town's history, Sam learns the disappearances began after a collapse in the local mine. Bryan's journal details his encounter with a black-eyed girl in the days before he went missing. His description of her bears a striking resemblance to the child who vanished before him. A few talkative locals report sightings of black-eyed kids approaching the other children who later disappeared. Convinced the mine, the black-eyed kids, and the missing children are connected, (Everything in this paragraph, preceding this point, can be shortened. Sam thinking the pieces are connected is obvious. The latter half of the query is more interesting than the first, and you can shorten/rewrite the first half to allow the second half to shine.) Sam descends into the mine, where he discovers a creature unlike any he has encountered before: a monster of shadows, powerful enough to gut a man in a blink, and immune to his usual weapons.

The creature incapacitates him with ease, yet spares him, leaving only a black mark on his arm. Sam continues his investigation, determined to uncover a way to kill the monster and save the children. He soon finds his body But his body is changing, growing weaker with every passing hour. The creature's influence renders him barely able to walk, let alone fight. Worse still, it grants the monster a connection to his mind.

But the connection goes both ways. As the creature draws on Sam's strength and expertise, he discovers a weakness, a possible means to kill it and banish the shadow looming over Lurnley. Now Sam must hunt the monster again and destroy it before he succumbs to its power and becomes a creature of the darkness himself.

At 79,000 words BLACK EYES is an adult urban fantasy novel, and will appeal to fans of books like the Dresden Files as well as shows like Supernatural.

 

I do love the Dresden files. This sounds like an interesting story to me, and I understand what's going on in the query. Good luck!



#25 CS29

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 12:49 AM

Thanks jaustail and speedchuck!

 

Sam Hain deals (I would like a better word than 'deals' here, but he essentially does whatever is necessary, whether that be killing said creature or simply talking it down) with things that shouldn't exist: demons, undead, shape-shifters, all manner of supposedly mythical monsters. Because someone has to. (And yes, something GOOD and snarky, or at least snarkier, would be nice here, but one of Sam's frequent complaints is that he often doesn't get paid for his work. He does it primarily because he is one of the few who can. I'd definitely like something better than what I have here)

 

A desperate mother comes to him as a last hope of finding her son, Bryan.  She reveals he isn't the first child to go missing in the town of Lurnley.

 

Delving into the town's history, Sam learns the disappearances began after a collapse in the local mine. Bryan's journal details his encounter with a black-eyed girl in the days before he went missing. His description of her bears a striking resemblance to the child who vanished before him. A few talkative locals report sightings of black-eyed kids approaching the other children who later disappeared. Convinced the mine, the black-eyed kids, and the missing children are connected, Sam descends into the mine, where he discovers a creature unlike any he has encountered before. A monster of shadows, powerful enough to gut a man in a blink(He does witness it gut someone in the time it takes him to blink. That's why I used this specific example), and immune to his usual weapons. The creature moves too fast to fight and a bullet won't pierce its hide.

 

The creature incapacitates him with ease, yet spares him, leaving only a black mark on his arm. Sam continues his investigation, determined to uncover a way to kill the monster and save the children. He soon finds his body changing, growing weaker with every passing minute. The creature's corruption renders him barely able to walk, let alone fight. Worse still, it grants the monster a connection to his mind. But the connection goes both ways. As the creature draws on his strength and expertise, he discovers a weakness, a possible means to kill it and banish the shadow looming over Lurnley. Now Sam must hunt the monster again and destroy it before he falls victim to its influence and becomes a creature of the darkness himself.

 

At 79,000 words BLACK EYES is an adult urban fantasy novel, and will appeal to fans of books like the Dresden Files as well as shows like Supernatural.



#26 jaustail

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 01:20 AM

How about start with:

Sam Hain is a demon exterminator.

 

regarding the blink...maybe mention that the demon guts its victim like this.






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