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Synopsis: The Warrior's Crown (YA Fantasy)


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#1 Paulsvault

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Posted 12 June 2017 - 12:25 PM

I thought a query was bad... I have decided the a synopsis is much worse. I am actually terrified putting this in here and feel like it may be better of deleting and starting fresh, but before I do that I will offer it up to the god's of feedback. Enjoy and feel free to rip it to shreds!

 

 

The Kingdom of Meerovia is thrust into chaos after the king’s death and the prince’s assassination on his coronation day. With the lineage of kings broken for the first time in the kingdom’s history, the throne lies ripe for the taking.

 

ADIRA, an eighteen-year-old peasant girl, travels with her adoptive father to the city of Meerovia to witness the king’s funeral and the prince’s crowning. Instead, they and the surrounding crowd of spectators witness two funerals along with the execution of the prince’s supposed assassin’s, his own personal guards.

 

Adira’s world is turned on its side when she finds a dying soldier in the forest. The soldier, hunted by dark sentries sent by the demon overlord, BEDROG, reveals that Bedrog’s general assassinated the prince. After the soldier dies, Adira takes his sword and flees, barely escaping the dark sentries. Adira’s father later helps her reforge the sword into a weapon more fitting for her and infuses a mysterious, white material into the steel to make the blade more powerful than before.

 

When a noble from the nearby village learns of Adira’s encounter with the soldier, he visits her home while she is away, torturing and killing her father. Fearing for her own life, Adira flees into the forest, leaving behind her home and vowing revenge on the man responsible for her father’s death.

 

Adira wanders across the land, towards the edge of the kingdom, and into the hands of an exiled general in command of an outpost where she learns to fight and defend herself. After a short time at the outpost a mysterious rider arrives, pursued by the same dark sentries Adira faced in the forest. The rider reveals herself to be THE SEER, an ageless and powerful mystic believed to have helped form the kingdom ages ago.

 

Using her magic, the Seer destroys the sentries and requests that Adira return to the capital city with her. There, the Seer shows Adira the true heart of the kingdom. A tiny, blue flame that once roared with life, now slowly fading out as darkness reemerges across the land. Adira passes her hand over the flame and is filled a mystical power, granting her the strength to protect the kingdom and the flame from Bedrog.

 

When the queen proclaims herself the new ruler of the kingdom she orders the executions of Adira and the Seer. They manage to escape and flee into a dark and dangerous series of passageways that lead them out of the kingdom and into the desert to the south. Here, the Dark Army has already ravaged the land and is preparing to attack the kingdom, allowing Bedrog to take the throne.

 

In the desert, they meet the remnants of the Gawan, a tribal kingdom considered to be barbarians by the Meerovian’s. Adira and the Seer form a bond with the Gawan elder and his grandson and lead the people across the desert and back to the outpost where they form a small army and prepare to take back the kingdom.

 

The army is put to the test at the Black Castle, Bedrog’s lair in the marshes beyond the kingdom’s borders. While the armies battle, Adira and four warriors sneak into the castle in an attempt to kill Bedrog, but find that he is not there. He has already led his vast army into the capital of Meerovia and killed the queen, declaring himself the new king and ruler of the land. His general waits for Adira and her friends inside the castle, accompanied by four dark sentries. After a short fight Adira is able to defeat the general and destroy the black magic protecting the army outside of the castle, allowing them to claim a small victory.

 

When Adira and the small army arrive back at the outpost, they realize that they now have a nearly impossible task of piecing together another army and marching across the kingdom to take back what they have lost. Unexpected help arrives when a large force of Gawan fighters arrive, prepared to join the army and wielding weapons made from the same white steel in Adira’s sword, capable of penetrating the armor of the dark warriors, protected by Bedrog’s magic.

 

Marching across the countryside and slowly taking back the cities destroyed by Bedrog’s army, Adira and her friends begin to realize that victory may be within their grasp. The discovery of an ancient and mysterious entity, far older than the kingdom and Bedrog, offers itself to Adira, promising her the ability to destroy Bedrog forever. Adira accepts, and the entity enters her body, filling her with unimaginable strength and the power to destroy entire armies on her own.

 

As Adira and her friends come closer to destroying Bedrog, their friendship is put to the test. Adira becomes increasingly distant and seems unable to control the entity inside of her. When they finally confront Bedrog in the palace, the entity easily destroys the demon overlord. Their victory is bittersweet when the entity decides to remain inside of Adira, ordering her friends to never seek her out or they will be destroyed as well. She leaves them standing in the burned and wrecked remains of their kingdom, victorious, but feeling more defeated than ever.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#2 Monks

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 11:20 AM

So I think this is in much better shape than you seem to think! It's very clear, concise, and easy to follow, which is huge (and often very hard to nail down). I really don't think you need much tweaking before this is ready to go. I just have a few spots that I think need to be either expanded or cut, depending on how you want to go. Though I also want to offer this caveat: I don't read YA, and I read almost no epic/high fantasy. So I'm not very familiar with the genre tropes or anything like that. So take my criticism with a grain of salt.

 

The biggest issue I have is with the antagonists other than Bedrog. Namely, the queen and the noble that tortures and kills Adira's father. When you said that the queen proclaimed herself the ruler and orders the execution of the seer and Adira, I figured she was working with Bedrog somehow, but then Bedrog killed her, so I guess that's not the case? Or maybe he double crossed her? Either way, that could be more clear. And if the queen wasn't working with Bedrog, then what motivation did she have to want Adira and the seer dead? How did she even know of Adira's existence at this point? And as for the noble that kills Adira's father, he just drops out of the plot (or rather, the synopsis) completely. I also assumed he was working as an agent of Bedrog's. But then he just disappears. What were his motivations? Also, you say Adira swears revenge on him for killing her father. Great, that gives her good motivation. But then that plot point never comes up again, that absolutely must be fixed, in my opinion.

 

The other issues I have, which are smaller, concern the seer and the entity that possess Adira at the end. I don't know their motivations. Why does the seer care about Bedrog? And why does she seek out and then help Adira? What makes Adira important to the seer? And then basically the same set of questions for the entity that possess her. I also wouldn't mind a little more detail on what that entity actually is, though if that is ambiguous in the novel, then that's fine. But also, why does the entity remain within Adira at the end? Why does it need Adira at all?

 

So those are the questions I had while I was reading. You do a great job of explaining what happens in a clear and concise manner. I just want to see a little bit more about why it all happens. What's driving the characters in the story. Get in their heads a little bit more to tie all the events to the characters themselves and give the plot a more character-driven momentum. After that, I think you'll be good to go. I don't really have any line edit type stuff, because I think you're already there on that front. Won't be long before this is ready to go, I'm sure!

 

I thought a query was bad... I have decided the a synopsis is much worse. I am actually terrified putting this in here and feel like it may be better of deleting and starting fresh, but before I do that I will offer it up to the god's of feedback. Enjoy and feel free to rip it to shreds!

 

 

The Kingdom of Meerovia is thrust into chaos after the king’s death and the prince’s assassination on his coronation day. With the lineage of kings broken for the first time in the kingdom’s history, the throne lies ripe for the taking.

 

ADIRA, an eighteen-year-old peasant girl, travels with her adoptive father to the city of Meerovia to witness the king’s funeral and the prince’s crowning. Instead, they and the surrounding crowd of spectators witness two funerals along with the execution of the prince’s supposed assassin’s, his own personal guards.

 

Adira’s world is turned on its side when she finds a dying soldier in the forest. The soldier, hunted by dark sentries sent by the demon overlord, BEDROG, reveals that Bedrog’s general assassinated the prince. After the soldier dies, Adira takes his sword and flees, barely escaping the dark sentries. Adira’s father later helps her reforge the sword into a weapon more fitting for her and infuses a mysterious, white material into the steel to make the blade more powerful than before.

 

When a noble from the nearby village learns of Adira’s encounter with the soldier, he visits her home while she is away, torturing and killing her father. Fearing for her own life, Adira flees into the forest, leaving behind her home and vowing revenge on the man responsible for her father’s death.

 

Adira wanders across the land, towards the edge of the kingdom, and into the hands of an exiled general in command of an outpost where she learns to fight and defend herself. After a short time at the outpost a mysterious rider arrives, pursued by the same dark sentries Adira faced in the forest. The rider reveals herself to be THE SEER, an ageless and powerful mystic believed to have helped form the kingdom ages ago.

 

Using her magic, the Seer destroys the sentries and requests that Adira return to the capital city with her. There, the Seer shows Adira the true heart of the kingdom. A tiny, blue flame that once roared with life, now slowly fading out as darkness reemerges across the land. Adira passes her hand over the flame and is filled a mystical power, granting her the strength to protect the kingdom and the flame from Bedrog.

 

When the queen proclaims herself the new ruler of the kingdom she orders the executions of Adira and the Seer. They manage to escape and flee into a dark and dangerous series of passageways that lead them out of the kingdom and into the desert to the south. Here, the Dark Army has already ravaged the land and is preparing to attack the kingdom, allowing Bedrog to take the throne.

 

In the desert, they meet the remnants of the Gawan, a tribal kingdom considered to be barbarians by the Meerovian’s. Adira and the Seer form a bond with the Gawan elder and his grandson and lead the people across the desert and back to the outpost where they form a small army and prepare to take back the kingdom.

 

The army is put to the test at the Black Castle, Bedrog’s lair in the marshes beyond the kingdom’s borders. While the armies battle, Adira and four warriors sneak into the castle in an attempt to kill Bedrog, but find that he is not there. He has already led his vast army into the capital of Meerovia and killed the queen, declaring himself the new king and ruler of the land. His general waits for Adira and her friends inside the castle, accompanied by four dark sentries. After a short fight Adira is able to defeat the general and destroy the black magic protecting the army outside of the castle, allowing them to claim a small victory.

 

When Adira and the small army arrive back at the outpost, they realize that they now have a nearly impossible task of piecing together another army and marching across the kingdom to take back what they have lost. Unexpected help arrives when a large force of Gawan fighters arrive, prepared to join the army and wielding weapons made from the same white steel in Adira’s sword, capable of penetrating the armor of the dark warriors, protected by Bedrog’s magic.

 

Marching across the countryside and slowly taking back the cities destroyed by Bedrog’s army, Adira and her friends begin to realize that victory may be within their grasp. The discovery of an ancient and mysterious entity, far older than the kingdom and Bedrog, offers itself to Adira, promising her the ability to destroy Bedrog forever. Adira accepts, and the entity enters her body, filling her with unimaginable strength and the power to destroy entire armies on her own.

 

As Adira and her friends come closer to destroying Bedrog, their friendship is put to the test. Adira becomes increasingly distant and seems unable to control the entity inside of her. When they finally confront Bedrog in the palace, the entity easily destroys the demon overlord. Their victory is bittersweet when the entity decides to remain inside of Adira, ordering her friends to never seek her out or they will be destroyed as well. She leaves them standing in the burned and wrecked remains of their kingdom, victorious, but feeling more defeated than ever.

 


Would greatly appreciate critiques of my synopsis!

#3 Paulsvault

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 05:12 PM

So I think this is in much better shape than you seem to think! It's very clear, concise, and easy to follow, which is huge (and often very hard to nail down). I really don't think you need much tweaking before this is ready to go. I just have a few spots that I think need to be either expanded or cut, depending on how you want to go. Though I also want to offer this caveat: I don't read YA, and I read almost no epic/high fantasy. So I'm not very familiar with the genre tropes or anything like that. So take my criticism with a grain of salt.

 

The biggest issue I have is with the antagonists other than Bedrog. Namely, the queen and the noble that tortures and kills Adira's father. When you said that the queen proclaimed herself the ruler and orders the execution of the seer and Adira, I figured she was working with Bedrog somehow, but then Bedrog killed her, so I guess that's not the case? Or maybe he double crossed her? You nailed it, never trust a demon.Either way, that could be more clear. And if the queen wasn't working with Bedrog, then what motivation did she have to want Adira and the seer dead? How did she even know of Adira's existence at this point? She more or less knew of a young girl (she did not know who specifically though) who had information that she plotted to have her own son and husband killed, thus trying to snuff her out to close any loose ends. And as for the noble that kills Adira's father, he just drops out of the plot (or rather, the synopsis) completely. I also assumed he was working as an agent of Bedrog's. But then he just disappears. What were his motivations? Also, you say Adira swears revenge on him for killing her father. Great, that gives her good motivation. But then that plot point never comes up again, that absolutely must be fixed, in my opinion. The noble worked hand-in-hand with the queen to first try to kill Adira but never got the chance (Adira fled before he figured out who she was), then he was killed by Bedrog, along with the queen and the other 9 nobles who represented the cities throughout the kingdom.

 

The other issues I have, which are smaller, concern the seer and the entity that possess Adira at the end. I don't know their motivations. Why does the seer care about Bedrog? And why does she seek out and then help Adira? What makes Adira important to the seer? The Seer happened to meet Adira after being pursued by Bedrog's forces to the outpost where Adira was training, it was a case of mere chance (or maybe more than chance). She found Adira significant after learning that Adira's adoptive father had given her a powerful weapon. And then basically the same set of questions for the entity that possess her. I also wouldn't mind a little more detail on what that entity actually is, though if that is ambiguous in the novel, then that's fine. Pretty much this. But also, why does the entity remain within Adira at the end? Why does it need Adira at all? The entity needs Adira as a hold on this world, a body, if you will, that it can possess in order to remain all-powerful.

 

So those are the questions I had while I was reading. You do a great job of explaining what happens in a clear and concise manner. I just want to see a little bit more about why it all happens. What's driving the characters in the story. Get in their heads a little bit more to tie all the events to the characters themselves and give the plot a more character-driven momentum. After that, I think you'll be good to go. I don't really have any line edit type stuff, because I think you're already there on that front. Won't be long before this is ready to go, I'm sure!

First of all, thanks so much for the kind words. That does make me feel better about the synopsis even though there is still some tweaking to do. This gives me confidence that I have something to start with. I will answer a few of your questions in the quote above in case you happen to wander back in here to take a peak.

Thanks again!


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#4 Monks

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 01:40 PM

First of all, thanks so much for the kind words. That does make me feel better about the synopsis even though there is still some tweaking to do. This gives me confidence that I have something to start with. I will answer a few of your questions in the quote above in case you happen to wander back in here to take a peak.

Thanks again!

 

Yeah, those answers make sense -- though of course, I still think a lot of that info needs to go into the synopsis itself. It always helps to keep in mind that you don't get to have these sorts of conversations with agents when you're querying. Anything you have to explain to me or anyone else, the agent just won't get. Still, I think this is really close. I'll keep an eye on the thread for your updates. Though if I forget, feel free to PM me when you update.


Would greatly appreciate critiques of my synopsis!




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