TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. ('m quite certain that most people puts this at the end of the query, but if you prefer this, should be alright :)
Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene aches to flex the wings of her imagination, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. Only after dark, when the candles are snuffed and Father isn’t listening, can she weave fairy tales for her brothers.
Little does she know her life is about to become one. Personally I feel this paragraph is stronger without this line. Like it builds a sense of anticipation. I do have a question though: does she literally weave fairy tales (I'm asking this with my own query in mind because suddenly things seem very ambiguous when my story takes a lot of things literally HAHA)
After a failed investment, Father drags Wendy, her brothers and mother (would Mother be more correct?) towards a new life in the colonies. When their sea voyage goes awry and they are stranded on a nameless island guarded by pirates, Wendy can finally use her wits and intelligence to keep her family together--and alive. This Island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica: mystical creatures, natives who never age and a boy whose past is the Island’s closest guarded secret. (this sentence sounds wonderful!) Soon, however, Wendy discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mythical (mythical suggests that it's just a piece of legend. Maybe another word that brings across the idea that the Fountain of Youth is very real) Fountain of Youth.
As Wendy realizes that the Island can give her the freedom she desires (not sure if you want to include this into the query, but my biggest question is how? I would think that this sentence is linked to "Wendy can finally use her wits...", so maybe you might want to reorder your sentences to make it smoother! :)), rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. If Wendy can find a way to defend the Island, she’ll have a home forever... if not, its priceless treasures, her freedom, and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.
To succeed, she will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the Island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. (In all truth and honesty, I feel that your query would end stronger with the gunpowder and smoke line. Yet, I love the way you wrote "a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes". What if you changed it to: If Wendy can find a way to defend the Island, she'll have a home forever. To succeed, she will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the Island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes.
But she fails, the Island's priceless treasures, her freedom, and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke. Not sure if this is better but just a thought on my part :))
I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. TO SAIL THE STARS is my debut novel.
Thank you for your consideration,
Would really like to thank you for your comments on my query, so here to return a favour! I think you have a brilliant story going and an awesome query at hand already. All your ingredients are already here--it's just a matter of finding the perfect phrasing and order. Good luck! :)