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To Sail the Stars

Fantasy Historical Fiction Young Adult Fiction

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#21 secondstar87

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 12:29 PM

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene aches for freedom and purpose, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. After dark, however, when the candles are snuffed and Father can’t hear, her imagination reigns as she weaves fairy tales for her brothers. Little does she know her life is about to become one. I'm getting mixed feedback about this line, so tell me what you think!

 

After a failed investment, Father drags Wendy, her mother and brothers to the colonies. When their sea voyage goes awry and they are stranded on an island guarded by pirates, Wendy can finally use her wits and intelligence to keep her family intact--and alive. This island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is the island’s closest guarded secret. Soon, however, Wendy discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mystical Fountain of Youth.

 

As Wendy embraces the freedom offered by the island, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#22 Sataris

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 04:50 PM

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene aches for freedom and purpose, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. After dark, however, when the candles are snuffed and Father can’t hear, her imagination reigns as she weaves fairy tales for her brothers. Little does she know her life is about to become one. I'm getting mixed feedback about this line, so tell me what you think!

 

 

I personally like it. If it fits the tone of your book, go for it.

 

After a failed investment, Father drags Wendy, her mother and brothers and her family to the (american? though this may be obvious) colonies. When their sea voyage goes awry and they are stranded on an island guarded by pirates, Wendy can finally this implies that she's been waiting to use her wits and intelligence to keep her family together/alive use her wits and intelligence to keep her family intact--and alive. This island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is the island’s closest guarded secret. Soon, however, Wendy discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mystical Fountain of Youth.

 

As Wendy embraces the freedom offered by the island, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

I like how much more concise this has become, definitely getting better



#23 dragoness

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 04:50 AM

The story sounds great!  :smile:

 

It's an adventure story, not a James Joyce's story, so I think you better focus on the adventure and not on the MC's inner needs (which are boring in a query).

 

I commented and suggested along that line, and I hope it'll help: 

Eighteenth-century London has little to offer Wendy Edavene, the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. After dark, however, sixteen-year-old Wendy weaves fairy tales for her brothers, without knowing her life is about to become one. ("aches for freedom and purpose" and "when the candles are snuffed and Father can’t hear, her imagination reigns as she" are too banal, IMO. Start with your story's uniqueness.)

 

After a failed investment, Father drags Wendy's family, her mother and brothers to the colonies. When their sea voyage goes awry and they are stranded on an island guarded by pirates, Wendy can finally should use her wits and intelligence to keep her family intact--and alive. This island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is the island’s closest guarded secret. Soon, however, Wendy discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mystical Fountain of Youth.

 

As Wendy embraces the freedom offered by the island, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke. (great ending!)

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult what is the genre? Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,



#24 Vio Liddell

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 04:43 AM

I kind of agree with Dragoness about the hook. I'd personally rephrase this way: Eighteenth-century London has little to offer Wendy Edavene, the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. After dark, however, when the candles are snuffed and Father can’t hear (because I like this bit)sixteen-year-old Wendy weaves fairy tales for her brothers. Little does she know her life is about to become one. (and this one too!)

 

After a failed investment, Father drags Wendy and her family to the colonies. When their sea voyage goes awry and they are stranded on an island guarded by pirates, Wendy can finally use her wits and intelligence to keep her family together--and alive. This island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica. including a boy whose past is the island’s closest guarded secret. Soon, however, Wendy discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mystical Fountain of Youth.

 

As Wendy embraces the freedom offered by the island (physical freedom? Freedom of thought?), rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island--a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

Hey, I think your query is almost ready! This is very good overall (and well-written).

 

I've updated my own query if you're interested: http://agentquerycon...fantasy-rev-30/



#25 Nonicks

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 05:44 AM

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene aches for freedom and purpose, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. After dark, however, when the candles are snuffed and Father can’t hear, her imagination reigns as she weaves fairy tales for her brothers. Little does she know her life is about to become one. I'm getting mixed feedback about this line, so tell me what you think!

 

After a failed investment, Father drags Wendy, her mother and brothers to the colonies. I paused here because all of a sudden you switch from Wendy, your MC, to her father, and I don't want to hear about him because he's not the hero. When their sea voyage goes awry and they are stranded on an island guarded by pirates, Wendy can finally use her wits and intelligence to keep her family intact--and alive. This island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is the island’s closest guarded secret. Soon, however, Wendy discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mystical Fountain of Youth.

 

As Wendy embraces the freedom offered by the island, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

I agree with Dragoness, there's nothing special/unique in here. I'd try to find what's special about Wendy's character and concentrate on that. 



#26 kwmags

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 09:26 AM

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene aches for freedom and purpose, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. After dark, however, when the candles are snuffed and Father can’t hear, her imagination reigns as she weaves fairy tales for her brothers. Little does she know her life is about to become one. I'm getting mixed feedback about this line, so tell me what you think! I like this line, it makes me want to read more. Its vague, but maybe thats what you need so that you are not giving too much confusing detail in the first paragraph. 

 

After a failed investment, Father drags Wendy, her mother and brothers to the colonies is it The Colonies, capitalize if its a name of a place. When their sea voyage goes awry and they are stranded on an island guarded by pirates. Wendy must can finally use her wits and intelligence to keep her family intact--and alive.  This island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica So i had to look up mica because I know nothing of rocks, is there another phrase you can use?, including a boy whose past is the island’s closest guarded secret. Soon, however, Wendy discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mystical Fountain of Youth.

 

As Wendy embraces the freedom offered by the island is she really free? I thought she was constantly trying to protect her parents/family, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes Don't need to over describe him. . If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel. This is said perfectly

 

This is an excellent query! I didn't read your other ones, but I think what you came to is excellent. I just put in a few things to think about, but really I don't see need to change it. Good luck! If you have time my query is at http://agentquerycon...interchangeable

 







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