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To Sail the Stars

Fantasy Historical Fiction Young Adult Fiction

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#41 lyncfs

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Posted 09 July 2017 - 09:08 PM

Totally new hook -- thoughts? 

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene spends her days preparing for her debut and her nights escaping into the fairy tales she weaves for her brothers. Eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat, but when her family is forced to flee for the colonies in financial disgrace, she watches any dreams of freedom crumble. ​(hmmm, I liked the old one better. This is too much backstory for me.)

 

Their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island guarded by pirates. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For this island has more secrets than it has flecks of glittering fairydust, including a boy whose past is the island’s most closely guarded secret. Soon, however, she discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mythical Fountain of Youth.

 

As Wendy embraces her challenging, exciting ​(too many adjectives) new life, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

Honestly, don't have much to nitpick about from my previous comments. I liked the first hook better though. Maybe, you can send to some agents this version and to other agents the first one and see which one gets more requests.


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#42 fernet

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Posted 10 July 2017 - 10:43 AM

I thought this flowed pretty well; just made a few suggestions for tightening the language up in a couple places.

 

I don't have a problem with the switch from wanting to keep her family alive to wanting to defend the island -- it's pretty clear that Wendy's non-island life was not so hot, and I imagine that she is interacting with her family in a new, more rewarding way on the island. Obviously she doesn't want to go back to London. I don't know if you need to say more about the fountain of youth - does it have repercussions for her family, the other people on the island, or is it pretty much just bait for the British to come after?

 

 

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene spends her days preparing for her debut and her nights escaping into the fairy tales she weaves for her brothers. Eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat, and Wendy dreams of showing the world that she has more interesting qualities than marriageability. [or something like that--agree with previous poster about cutting this sentence in two and expanding; as is it doesn't quite make sense] But when her family is forced to flee for the colonies in financial disgrace, she watches any her dreams of freedom crumble.

 

When their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island guarded by pirates, For once, Wendy can finally exert her wits and intelligence  [choose one - wits or intelligence] as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For This island has more secrets than it has flecks of glittering fairydust, including a boy whose past is the island’s most closely guarded secret, but soon, however, she discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mythical Fountain of Youth.

 

As Wendy embraces her challenging, exciting new life, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. [can't decide if two clauses about the boy are excessive--maybe switch the order?] If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured could vanish? could be gone? ["devoured" doesn't sound quite right to me] in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,



#43 Kimseal

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 09:58 PM

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene spends her days preparing for her debut and her nights escaping into the fairy tales she weaves for her brothers. Eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat, but when her family is forced to flee for the colonies in financial disgrace, she watches any dreams of freedom crumble not sure how freedom connects with the first couple of sentences. marriage for a woman in the 1700s wasn't exactly freedom, even if it may have been what she wanted.

 

Their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island guarded by pirates. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive well, that's looking on the bright side of being held captive by pirates, I guess?. For this island has more secrets than it has flecks of glittering fairydust, including a boy whose past is the island’s most closely guarded secret. Soon, however, she discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mythical Fountain of Youth.  I really like the Swiss Family Robinson meets Peter Pan aspect of this.

 

As Wendy embraces her challenging, exciting new life, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate so she's on the side of the pirates now?, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom comma and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke gunpowder and smoke might kill you but they don't devour you.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 


This is nice and clear. I understand the story and it's interesting. Except for a few word choices here and there, this is a good query, IMO.



#44 lionspaws

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 02:23 PM

When sixteen-year-old Wendy’s family flees eighteenth-century London in financial disgrace, her dreams of freedom crumble. Her only escape is the fairytales she weaves for her brothers after dark, when the candles are snuffed and Father can’t hear. Little does she know her life is about to become one.

 

Their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island guarded by pirates. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering fairydust, including a boy whose past is the island’s most closely guarded secret. Soon, however, she discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mythical Fountain of Youth.


As Wendy embraces her exciting new life, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#45 bigblackcat97

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 06:23 PM

When sixteen-year-old Wendy’s family flees eighteenth-century London in financial disgrace, her dreams of freedom crumble. Freedom from what? Her only escape is the fairytales she weaves for her brothers after dark, when the candles are snuffed and Father can’t hear. Little does she know her life is about to become one. "One" is about ambiguous since it's reference "fairy tales" and is positioned rather far from what it's referencing. 

 

Their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island guarded inhabited? by pirates. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering fairydust, (honestly, I preferred mica) including a boy whose past is the island’s most closely guarded secret. Soon, however, she discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: Their interest in what? Again, what your referencing is pretty far away from this word. So, interest "in the island" - the mythical Fountain of Youth. So I've got to throw this out there - Peter is the most closely guarded secret... not the fountain itself?


As Wendy embraces her exciting new life, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

This is actually quite good. Clear up some of your references, and definitely get some information out there in terms of Wendy's "freedom." It seems to be a big deal to her at the end - she's running around being who she wants to be - and that's great. But at the beginning you said that the family losing their fortune shattered her hopes of freedom, when it seems that would actually be the opposite. If she's married well and kept in society, she'll have to maintain a certain dignity. In the New World she might be able to act out -- just throwing that out there since it's a theme you wove back into the conclusion.

 

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#46 lionspaws

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 11:00 AM

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: a purpose beyond marriage and childrearing. But eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat, and her only escape is the fairytales she weaves for her brothers once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening. Little does she know her life is about to become a fairytale.

 

When her family flees London in financial disgrace, their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is a closely guarded secret.

 

Wendy embraces her exciting new life, but when rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing, she discovers the purpose she has always longed for: defending the island. To do so, she will need the help of a one-handed pirate, a fierce native princess and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boys with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at 100,000 words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#47 lyncfs

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 01:41 PM

Thanks for your comments on my query. Your novel sounds interesting and your writing is fantastic. Would love to read it!

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: a purpose beyond marriage and childrearing. ​(Your other hooks were better. This one comes out a bit blah) But eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. and Her only escape is the fairytales she weaves for her brothers once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening. ​(shorten your sentences or else they become hard to comprehend) Little does she know her life is about to become a fairytale. ​(After thinking about this, you should just cut this whole paragraph. It's back story and people don't seem to like it. You could start with the second paragraph...Sixteen-year-old, Wendy Edavene, disgraced London aristocrat, becomes stranded on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. )

 

When her family flees London in financial disgrace, their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence ​(these are the same things, choose one) as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is a closely guarded secret. ​(good bring in Peter early)

 

Wendy embraces her exciting new life, but when rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing, she discovers the purpose she has always longed for: defending the island. To do so, she will need the help of a one-handed pirate, a fierce native princess and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boys with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom   ​(her freedom from what is still confusing. I would strike since people questioning this) and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at 100,000 words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#48 ThatDan

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 11:31 PM

+1 for mica



#49 Springfield

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 12:54 AM

Hold on -- you're basing something off Peter Pan?

 

What Peter Pan? What version? Can you show, very specifically, that you're basing off a specific version?

 

I hope you have a good lawyer. This way lies madness and legal bills, dude. 



#50 Iconian

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 01:44 AM

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: a purpose, beyond marriage and childrearing. But eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat, and her only escape is the fairytales she weaves for her brothers once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening. Little does she know her life is about to become a fairytale.

 

When her family flees London in financial disgrace, their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is a closely guarded secret.

 

Wendy embraces her exciting new life, but when rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing, she discovers the purpose she has always longed for: defending the island. To do so, she will need the help of a one-handed pirate, a fierce native princess, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at 100,000 words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

I like it a lot!  It seems like you've pretty much already refined it to a nice sheen :)  I especially like the Fountain of Youth angle.  I'm not too familiar with the actual Peter Pan story--was it supposed to be based around the Fountain of Youth?


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#51 eric balson

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 12:38 PM

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: a purpose beyond marriage and childrearing. But eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat, and her only escape is the fairytales she weaves for her brothers once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening. Little does she know her life is about to become a fairytaleAnything beginning with "little does she know.." just sounds cliched. At first, this paragraph is necessary, contrary to what a previous user posted, because it reveals Wendy's motivation wanting to be more than an Atwoodian Handmaiden, which is an essential ingredient for queries.

 

When her family flees London in financial disgrace, their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica this is ambiguously worded, including a boy whose past is a closely guarded secret.

 

Wendy embraces her exciting new life, but when rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing, she discovers the purpose she has always longed for: defending the island. To do so, she will need the help of a one-handed pirate, a fierce native princess and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boys with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke. You don't need to show both results of the possible outcomes of the battle, one will suffice.

 

TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at 100,000 words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

Hope this helps. Take time to review mine here (post #52): http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-3



#52 lionspaws

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 01:24 PM

Hi Springfield, the novel (originally titled PETER AND WENDY) has been public domain in the US for years. The script for the play is not, but anyone can write about the characters. For instance, TIGERLILY was a NY Times bestseller. GOSH holds any copyrights that do exist and they spell everything out on their website. 

 

Hold on -- you're basing something off Peter Pan?

 

What Peter Pan? What version? Can you show, very specifically, that you're basing off a specific version?

 

I hope you have a good lawyer. This way lies madness and legal bills, dude. 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#53 lionspaws

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 01:46 PM

I like it a lot!  It seems like you've pretty much already refined it to a nice sheen :)  I especially like the Fountain of Youth angle.  I'm not too familiar with the actual Peter Pan story--was it supposed to be based around the Fountain of Youth?

 

Thanks Iconian! There is no Fountain of Youth in the original, but it seemed like a nice tie-in to history, where major powers like Britain spent centuries believing in the Fountain. 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#54 Springfield

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 02:38 PM

Hi Springfield, the novel (originally titled PETER AND WENDY) has been public domain in the US for years. The script for the play is not, but anyone can write about the characters. For instance, TIGERLILY was a NY Times bestseller. GOSH holds any copyrights that do exist and they spell everything out on their website. 

 

I know it's the play that's under U.S. copyright, not the novel, that's why I asked what version you were working off -- same as Disney, people tend to think everything is covered by one version that's in the pd, but there can be things only in the protected version that the rights holder will go after. I don't know the differences and specifics as to what's in where, like what the characters do in the book vs. the play. Just saying be careful -- they're not at all shy about enforcing their rights, worldwide! 



#55 Iconian

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 03:13 PM

Thanks Iconian! There is no Fountain of Youth in the original, but it seemed like a nice tie-in to history, where major powers like Britain spent centuries believing in the Fountain. 

I think it's a really clever idea.  Britain with its big fleet in that era, the mystique of the New World still not quite worn off, and Peter Pan, all together--very synergistic!


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#56 lionspaws

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Posted 21 July 2017 - 08:22 PM

I'd like to know which hook is preferred ("Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: a purpose beyond marriage and childrearing." or the new one). 

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene dreams of independence, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. Only after dark, once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening, can she escape into the fairytales she weaves for her brothers.

 

When her family flees London in financial disgrace, their sea voyage goes awry and they are marooned on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. Wendy fights to keep her family intact--and alive--as they encounter pirates, natives and a strange group of tight-lipped English waifs. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is a closely guarded secret.

 

Wendy embraces her exciting new life, but when rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing, she discovers the purpose she has always longed for: defending the island. To do so, she will need the help of a one-handed pirate, a fierce native princess and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boys with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island and everyone Wendy has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#57 Iconian

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Posted 21 July 2017 - 11:52 PM

I'd like to know which hook is preferred ("Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: a purpose beyond marriage and childrearing." or the new one). 

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene dreams of independence, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. Only after dark, once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening, can she escape into the fairytales she weaves for her brothers.

 

[How about]:

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: independence, a purpose beyond marriage and childrearing.  But eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat, [and it's] only after dark, once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening, that can she escape [her future] into the fairytales she weaves for her brothers.

 

When her family flees London in financial disgrace, their sea voyage goes awry and they are marooned on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. Wendy fights to keep her family intact--and alive--as they encounter pirates, natives, [comma] and a strange group of tight-lipped English waifs. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is a closely guarded secret.

 

Wendy embraces her exciting new life, but when rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing, she discovers the purpose she has always longed for: defending the island. To do so, she will need the help of a one-handed pirate, a fierce native princess, [comma] and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a [boy] with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island and everyone Wendy has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

Those are my suggestions.  I pretty much thought your query was done last time around.  Others probably have their own perspectives . . .


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#58 Sataris

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Posted 22 July 2017 - 09:56 AM

I'd like to know which hook is preferred ("Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: a purpose beyond marriage and childrearing." or the new one). 

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene dreams of independence, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. Only after dark, once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening, can she escape into the fairytales she weaves for her brothers.

 

When her family flees London in financial disgrace, their sea voyage goes awry and they are marooned on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. Wendy fights to keep her family intact--and alive--as they encounter pirates, natives and a strange group of tight-lipped English waifs. For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is a closely guarded secret.

 

Wendy embraces her exciting new life, but when rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing, she discovers the purpose she has always longed for: defending the island. To do so, she will need the help of a one-handed pirate, a fierce native princess and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boys with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island and everyone Wendy has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.

 

I'll go ahead and confirm the copyright thing- the copyright doesn't apply to anything that's derivative of Peter Pan. There's a pretty cool story behind it all, but anyway...

 

As to your question: if you're going to use that closing paragraph, it seems like independence doesn't really work, because we find out that's she's actually always longed for purpose. While you could argue that defending her newfound independence is a purpose in and of itself, I think you're better off keeping it simple. Any chance you've read Graceling? It deals with a very similar "woman seeks purpose beyond the life she's told she has to have" angle really well. The short of it: you can totally build a story around that. You could probably keep your phrasing too:

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy longs for a purpose beyond childbearing, but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt aristocrat.

 

Something nit-picky- I don't think you need bankrupt, would be aristocrat. The idea of a bankrupt aristocrat is super interesting, and the idea of a would be aristocrat (someone living beyond their means to attain social status) is interesting too, but adding both seems to dilute the punch a bit too much.

 

Something else that's nit-picky: is the island rumored to have the fountain of youth prior to their landing there? if so, why does the navy only investigate it after her family has landed there?

 

Still a solid, concise query. At this point, I think you'd be okay tuning it up a tiny bit and sending it out in short waves.


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#59 Cez

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Posted 26 July 2017 - 12:11 PM

I'd like to know which hook is preferred ("Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene wants one thing in life: a purpose beyond marriage and childrearing." or the new one). 

 

Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene dreams of independence, I like this hook better. but eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat. Only after dark, once the candles have been snuffed and Father isn’t listening, can she escape into the fairytales she weaves for her brothers. I really like your first paragraph. There's something 'magical' about it and it's got just the right voice.

 

When her family flees London in financial disgrace, their sea voyage goes awry and they are marooned on an island rumored to shelter the mythical Fountain of Youth. Wendy fights to keep her family intact--and alive--as they encounter pirates, natives and a strange group of tight-lipped English waifs. This makes me wonder where her parents are. Are they wounded, or incapable? Or is Wendy trying to prove herself here and she has the practicality/adventure lust/ optimism the others don't? For this island has more mysteries than it has flecks of glittering mica, including a boy whose past is a closely guarded secret. This line needs something. It doesn't quite follow the previous sentence and I feel like you should be mentioning the boy sooner.

 

Wendy embraces her exciting new life I suggest you mention this sooner too, but when rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing, she discovers the purpose she has always longed for: defending the island. To do so, she will need the help of a one-handed pirate, a fierce native princess[,] and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boys with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island and everyone Wendy has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke. I think this last line could be better. If the navy wants the fountain they can't blow it up.

 

Overall I really like your query and story. I just wish you mentioned a bit more of Peter Pan, since I assume this is his fairy tale retelling.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fantasy, Historical Fiction, Young Adult, Fiction

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