Totally new hook -- thoughts?
Sixteen-year-old Wendy Edavene spends her days preparing for her debut and her nights escaping into the fairy tales she weaves for her brothers. Eighteenth-century London has little to offer the daughter of a bankrupt would-be aristocrat, but when her family is forced to flee for the colonies in financial disgrace, she watches any dreams of freedom crumble. (hmmm, I liked the old one better. This is too much backstory for me.)
Their sea voyage to the New World goes awry, leaving them stranded on an island guarded by pirates. For once, Wendy can exert her wits and intelligence as she fights to keep her family intact--and alive. For this island has more secrets than it has flecks of glittering fairydust, including a boy whose past is the island’s most closely guarded secret. Soon, however, she discovers the real reason for the pirates’ interest: the mythical Fountain of Youth.
As Wendy embraces her challenging, exciting (too many adjectives) new life, rumors of the Fountain reach England and the navy arrives with cannons blazing. To defend the island, Wendy will need the help of a fierce native princess, a one-handed pirate, and a boy whose heart beats in tune with the island, a boy with wind in his hair and stars in his eyes. If they succeed, she will have a home forever. If they fail, the island, Wendy’s freedom and everyone she has come to care about will be devoured in a cloud of gunpowder and smoke.
TO SAIL THE STARS is a young adult Peter Pan retelling, complete at XXX words, that melds the magic of THE GIRL FROM EVERYWHERE with the riveting historical fiction of BLACKHEARTS. I am an elementary school teacher with a degree in Early American History. This is my debut novel.
Thank you for your consideration,
Honestly, don't have much to nitpick about from my previous comments. I liked the first hook better though. Maybe, you can send to some agents this version and to other agents the first one and see which one gets more requests.