Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

REVISED (Take #3): UNSUNG LULLABY (Supernatural/Romance)


  • Please log in to reply
5 replies to this topic

#1 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 18 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 13 June 2017 - 01:03 AM

Hello, all

 

Thanks for taking a look!  I appreciate your time and feedback and will more than happily reciprocate.  Please enjoy.  I've revised it since it's first showing to be a little more direct, and hopefully a little bit clearer.  Please let me know what you think.

 

 

Dear Ms. Whomever:

 

It all starts with a microwaveable cheeseburger, the promise of coffee, and an abduction. While on a late night job run, partners Rae and Jack stop at to refuel. Jack wanders inside, while Rae waits in the car.  At first, she thinks it’s her tired eyes playing tricks on her.  It’s too late to escape when she realizes that  the writhing shadows are  more than just tricks of the light.  

 

They conceal unknown creatures, but they’re the sort that Rae, Jack, and the other Illare mop up after on a daily basis. The Illare work on the fringes of the Dreamscape and the Ephemeral (human) realms, cleaning up the messes left behind when the two intersect.  Sometimes they mop up bodies, sometimes they hunt those responsible. that left those bodies in the first place.  No one in either world pays them any mind, or money-- they’re just two of the many invisible cogs keeping the peace between two worlds. Except this time, the Nightmares intentionally come into the human world looking for Illare blood.

 

This time, Rae is the job. It’s only a matter of time and broken bones before Jack finds her; that’s not the problem.  The problem is that these unknown monsters are coming out of the woodwork and targeting them.  Rae and Jack must puzzle out what these creatures are, why they’re after Rae, and how to slay them before the nightmares in the dark come back for round two.  But when dealing with the Land of Dreams, nothing is ever that simple.     

 

Unsung Lullaby is a new adult fantasy romance novel at a 104,753 words. and is one of two complete (yet separate) books set in the universe of the Dreamscape.  Please find (whatever the particular agent requested) attached (included, whatever) as you requested.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me

 

 



#2 trailerbride

trailerbride

    Northern Scum | Southern Belle

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 61 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I used to run an indie writers collective. Now I don't.

Posted 13 June 2017 - 09:16 AM

The story sounds interesting, but I think the query needs a different approach. I've added some notes I hope may help.

 

 

Hello, all

 

Thanks for taking a look!  I appreciate your time and feedback and will more than happily reciprocate.  Please enjoy.  

 

Dear Ms. Whomever:

After reading________ on your website and your ___________ on _____________, I believe you are the perfect agent for my novel.  I could not help but notice how drawn you are to____________ and ________________ stories, which describes my writing M.O perfectly.  It is in this hope that I send you my query for Unsung Lullaby.

 

I'm not sure about MO above. If you delete it, I don't think you lose anything except the risk of confusing the agent.

 

It all starts with a microwaveable cheeseburger, the promise of coffee and an abduction.  So. You say this is where it starts and then you spend several paragraphs on backstory/world-building/explaining your characters. I think you should restructure this query and start with the event that actually matters. The abduction. It's like you've use this line to intrigue the agent into reading on. I suspect they get impatient with people trying this tactic and would rather understand asap what the story is about.

 

Nothing about Rae or Jack’s life is glamorous.  They work on the fringes of the Dreamscape and the Ephemeral (human) worlds, I don't think you should need to explain your query. So I'd rewrite this. Perhaps to say something like: They work at the intersection between the human world and the Dreamscape, cleaning up the messes that occasionally occur.

 

cleaning up the messes left behind when the two intersect.  Sometimes that means mopping up bodies, sometimes it means hunting down the things that left those bodies in the first place.  Try to find a better word than THINGS. Maybe something like MONSTERS?

 

No one pays the two Illare any mind, or money-- they’re just two of the many invisible cogs that keep the peace between two worlds.  Sure, it’s a dangerous job sometimes, but they usually know what they’re in for as long as they live by the three golden rules:  This seems too wordy. Maybe cut it back to something like: Sure, it's a dangerous job but they have the three Golden Rules.

 

 

First Rule: Never use the front door.  Second Rule: Never break the First Rule.  Third Rule: Never get comfortable.

The last is not a problem for Rae, who hasn't been comfortable since Before.  And really, there's no time for it when you spend your time chasing and cleaning up after monsters with Jack, who's idea of a heart-to-heart is “You want anything to eat?”.  But sometimes following the rules is not enough.  They certainly aren’t this time, when the creatures abduct Rae right out of the Firebird.  

 

 

It’s only a matter of time and a few broken bones before Jack finds her; that’s not the problem.  The problem is that these unknown monsters are coming out of the woodwork and targeting them.  Rae and Jack must puzzle out what these creatures are, why they’re after Rae, and how to slay them before the nightmares in the dark come for round two.  But when dealing with the Land of Dreams, nothing is ever just that simple. In my imagined restructuring of this query. this would be the basis for your second paragraph.

 

Unsung Lullaby is complete at a 104,753 words and is one of two complete (yet separate) books set in the universe of the Dreamscape.  Please find (whatever the particular agent requested) attached (included, whatever) as you requested. I would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.  

 
Sincerely, 
 
Me

 



#3 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 18 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 13 June 2017 - 05:01 PM

Hello and thank you for your feedback!  I've taken your advice and done a rewrite that follows more of that straightforward structure.  Is this better? And again, thank you for your time! 

 

Dear Ms. Whomever:

After reading________ on your website and your ___________ on _____________, I believe you are the perfect agent for my novel.  I could not help but notice how drawn you are to____________ and ________________ stories, which describes my writing perfectly.  It is in this hope that I send you my query for Unsung Lullaby.

 

It all starts with a microwaveable cheeseburger, the promise of coffee and an abduction.  

 

While on a late night job run, Rae and Jack stop at a mini-mart for some much needed fuel.  Jack wanders inside, while Rae waits in the car.  At first, she thinks it’s her tired eyes playing tricks on her.  It’s only when it’s too late does she realize that those writhing shadows are not just tricks of the light.  They are creatures, like the many Rae, Jack, and the other Illare mop up after on a daily basis. Except this time, they’ve intentionally come into the human world looking for Illare blood.

 

This has never happened before. No one pays the two Illare any mind, or money-- they’re just two of the many invisible cogs that keep the peace between the Dreamscape and the Ephemeral worlds.  Sure, it’s a dangerous job, but they usually know what they’re up against going in and enter the situation after the fact.  This time, Rae is the job. It’s only a matter of time and a few broken bones before Jack finds her; that’s not the problem.  The problem is that these unknown monsters are coming out of the woodwork and targeting them.  Rae and Jack must puzzle out what these creatures are, why they’re after Rae, and how to slay them before the nightmares in the dark come for round two.  But when dealing with the Land of Dreams, nothing is ever just that simple.      

 

Unsung Lullaby is complete at a 104,753 words and is one of two complete (yet separate) books set in the universe of the Dreamscape.  Please find (whatever the particular agent requested) attached (included, whatever) as you requested. I would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.  

 

Sincerely,

 

Me



#4 SnowFox23

SnowFox23

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 76 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, in-between agents
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 15 June 2017 - 04:53 AM

Dear Ms. Whomever:

After reading________ on your website and your ___________ on _____________, I believe you are the perfect agent for my novel.  I could not help but notice how drawn you are to____________ and ________________ stories, which describes my writing perfectly.  It is in this hope that I send you my query for Unsung Lullaby.

It's good that you've done your research but I would phrase this better. Don't say you believe the agent is perfect for your work. In all honesty, they probably aren't.

 

 

It all starts with a microwaveable cheeseburger, the promise of coffee and an abduction.  

This is quirky enough to work as an opening sentence.

 

While on a late night job run, Rae and Jack stop at a mini-mart for some much needed fuel.  In a query skip anything that's non-essential. Does it really matter that the characters need fuel? Is it utterly imperative to the mention it?

 

Jack wanders inside, while Rae waits in the car.  At first, she thinks it’s her tired eyes playing tricks on her.  It’s only when it’s too late Why is it too late?  does she realize that those writhing shadows are not just tricks of the light.  

 

They are creatures, like the many Rae, Jack, and the other Illare mop up after on a daily basis. But what are the Illare? Except this time, they’ve intentionally come into the human world looking for Illare blood.

Okay. I'm confused already.

 

This has never happened before. No one pays the two Illare any mind, or money-- they’re just two of the many invisible cogs that keep the peace between the Dreamscape and the Ephemeral worlds.  

100% confused now.

 

Sure, it’s a dangerous job, but they usually know what they’re up against going in and enter the situation after the fact.  This time, Rae is the job. It’s only a matter of time and a few broken bones before Jack finds her; that’s not the problem.  The problem is that these unknown monsters are coming out of the woodwork and targeting them.  Rae and Jack must puzzle out what these creatures are, why they’re after Rae, and how to slay them before the nightmares in the dark come for round two.  But when dealing with the Land of Dreams, nothing is ever just that simple.     

 

Okay. So what is the genre? Fantasy? I'm pretty lost, and without the backstory I just don't know what's going on.

 

What I know after reading the query: Jack and Rae are friends? who are Illare, and I don't know what Illare are. I don't know how old they are either, but I'm guessing twenties? Anyway, they stop for fuel. Then, Rae sees shadows, and the shadows are bad things, who are after her for some reason. They are also on another planet, I think?

 

I just don't have a lot of the necessary information to understand what is happening, and why it is happening. It's clear you can write well, but I think I need more backstory to understand everything.

 

Unsung Lullaby is complete at a 104,753 words that's quite a high WC. and is one of two complete (yet separate) books set in the universe of the Dreamscape.  Please find (whatever the particular agent requested) attached (included, whatever) as you requested. I would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.  

YA/NA? A? MG?

 

Sincerely,

 

Me



#5 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 18 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 15 June 2017 - 05:04 PM

Thank you!  I've revised some per your feedback and I would love to know if the revisions clear up your concerns/questions.  Queries are so HARD!  I tried to add in the details that would help explain without adding too much more to the word count, as it's already a longer query than most.  I think.  Anyway, I really appreciate your feedback and will check out your work within the day.  Thanks again! 



#6 CS29

CS29

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 45 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Few publications of short stories.

Posted 18 June 2017 - 01:54 AM

Dear Ms. Whomever:

 

After reading________ on your website and your ___________ on _____________, I believe you would be a great agent for my novel.  I could not help but notice how drawn you are to____________ and ________________ stories, which describes my writing perfectly.  It is in this hope that I send you my query for the fantasy romance novel, Unsung LullabyAs others mentioned, unless you have something very specific to mention here, i.e. speaking with an agent at a conference where they expressed interest in seeing the story, I'd remove this entirely.

 

It all starts with a microwaveable cheeseburger, the promise of coffee, and an abduction.  I like the mix of the mundane and the dramatic here, though I think you could combine this and the next part into a much stronger hook.

 

While on a late night job run, partners Rae and Jack stop at a mini-mart to refuel. Jack wanders inside, while Rae waits in the car.  At first, she thinks it’s her tired eyes playing tricks on her.  It’s only when it’s too late to and she can’t escape that when she realizes that those the writhing shadows are hiding more than just tricks of the light.  Again, I would shorten this and combine it with the above sentence.

 

They conceal creatures, like the many Rae, Jack, and the other Illare mop up after on a daily basis. The Illare work on the fringes of the Dreamscape and the Ephemeral (human) realms, cleaning up the messes left behind when the two intersect.  Sometimes they mop up bodies, sometimes they hunt down the things responsible. that left those bodies in the first place.  No one in either world pays them the two Illare any mind, or money-- they’re just two of the many invisible cogs that keeping the peace between two worlds. Except this time, the Nightmares intentionally come into the human world looking for Illare blood.

 

This time, Rae is the job. It’s only a matter of time and a few broken bones before Jack finds her; that’s not the problem.  The problem is that these unknown monsters are coming out of the woodwork and targeting them.  Rae and Jack must puzzle out what these creatures are, why they’re after Rae, and how to slay them before the nightmares in the dark come back for round two.  But when dealing with the Land of Dreams, nothing is ever just that simple.     

 

Unsung Lullaby is a complete (Unecessary, don't query if it's not finished) new adult fantasy romance novel at a 104,753 wordsand is one of two complete (yet separate) books set in the universe of the Dreamscape.  Please find (whatever the particular agent requested) attached (included, whatever) as you requested. I would love the chance to send you my work upon your request. Again, eliminate this altogether. Agents will ask for whatever they want if they like your query, or will include what they want on their submission guidelines.

 

All in all, I quite like this query. Some of my fixes come down to personal word choice. I think with a bit of tweaking you could have a strong query here. Good luck!






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users