Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Unlikely Souvenir - re-write. Please critique; will do so in return.


  • Please log in to reply
34 replies to this topic

#21 ashleighm71

ashleighm71

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 21 June 2017 - 09:20 AM

***Excellent feedback everyone. Thank you.  Here's another swipe! ***

 

Chloe knew about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. But she didn’t expect that breaking one would be life changing. 

 

No one in her immediate family had ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect landed her mother in the hospital, Chloe took the rest of the day off from her Soho job and headed to her parent’s house to confront him. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she wasn't expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a cerise silk dress. 

 

Chloe's discovery of her father's secret is so unexpected that she panics with deadly consequences. I'd like to know what the deadly consequences are. Seems a little vague. I think if you expound upon this, it would benefit you. What exactly is at stake?

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules we live by both define and confine us. It is a work of Women's Commercial Fiction that is complete at 80,000 words. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for television and radio.

This looks good. The only part that threw me off was the "deadly consequences."

 

Please check out my query! http://agentquerycon...urn-critiques/ 



#22 AJTaylor

AJTaylor

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 92 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUnited Kingdom
  • Publishing Experience:published adult non-fiction; last book was The Sacred Sites Bible (Godsfield, 2010).

Posted 21 June 2017 - 11:04 AM

Hi, Here are some thoughts.

 

***Excellent feedback everyone. Thank you.  Here's another swipe! ***

 

Chloe knew about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. But she didn’t expect that breaking one would be life changing. 

 

Personally, I prefer present tense, eg "But she doesn't expect that breaking one would be life changing," but I hear what other people are saying. However, it seems like you are only going for past because you haven't figured out how to make the present tense work. Present tense is preferred for queries.

 

No one in her immediate family had ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect landed her mother in the hospital, Chloe took the rest of the day off from her Soho job and headed to her parent’s house to confront him. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she wasn't expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a cerise silk dress. 

 

I think this last sentence is your biggest problem. (great hook, though, just a problematic sentence). It is too much like your opening hook. We have a repeat of 'knew' and 'expecting'. I don't know how you would want to fix this, but I would definitely go for a completely different construction. You don't have to use those words.

 

Chloe's discovery of her father's secret is so unexpected that she panics with deadly consequences. 

 

I agree that deadly consequences seems very vague - to her? to someone in her family? Maybe it's fine. I certainly like that it's short, but not that it seems too generic.

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, explores themes of gender and sexuality (I would delete this as it's fairly obvious from the above) and how the rules we live by both define and confine us. It is a work of Women's Commercial Fiction that is complete at 80,000 words. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for television and radio. (I would bring back mention of the specific companies, as they are impressive, eg not just small time local companies.)

 

Overall, I like your query, and I think you are very close.

 

Here's a link to my query: http://agentquerycon...=+burning +down



#23 kwmags

kwmags

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 20 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 22 June 2017 - 09:37 AM

Chloe knew about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. But she didn’t expect that breaking one would be life changing. 

 

No one in her immediate family had ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect landed her mother in the hospital, Chloe took the rest of the day off from her Soho job and headed to her parent’s house mustered up the courage to finally confront him her father. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she wasn't expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a cerise silk dress. 

 

Chloe's discovery of her father's secret is so unexpected that she panics with deadly consequences. I'd go back to what you had before. This is now too vague. We really don't know anything about the deadly consequences and now i think this book is leaning towards thriller/murder mystery with this line. The encounter in her fathers office cast doubt on everything she ever knew about her father. When she digs deeper, its just not him she doesn't know about, but her family as well. But the deeper she digs into the family secrets the deadlier the consequences becomeI feel like you might even need another line here to tie it all together. 

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules we live by both define and confine us. It is a work of Women's Commercial Fiction that is complete at 80,000 words. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for television and radio.

 

aren't queries fun?? Ha, pure sarcasm there. I think that what you had before was better than this one, only because now that one line is too vague. I revised mine again too. let me know what you think. we can just keep going back and forth! http://agentquerycon...interchangeable



#24 loopygoose

loopygoose

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 23 June 2017 - 04:39 AM

AND ANOTHER ATTEMPT.... :unsure:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Chloe knows about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. But she doesn’t know that breaking one will be life changing. 

 

No one in her immediate family has ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect lands her mother in the hospital, Chloe decides to finally confront him. She knows it wouldn’t be easy, but she isn't expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a silk dress. 

 

The discovery of her father’s secret causes both of them to panic with shocking consequences. In the weeks following the event Chloe begins to unravel the truth behind her father’s behaviour but risks losing the foundations on which she’s built her understanding of the world.

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, is a work of Women’s Commercial Fiction that explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules that we live by both define and confine us. The complete script of 80,000 words is available on request. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for both CNBC and BBC television, and BBC radio.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 



#25 Erevos

Erevos

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 84 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 23 June 2017 - 07:30 AM

Hello! I hope I can be of some help!

AND ANOTHER ATTEMPT.... :unsure:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Chloe knows about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. But she doesn’t know that breaking one will be life changing. Your hook is a bit vague, but (and it's a big BUT) it immediately makes me think that I'm going to get an answer...and that's a good thing!

 

No one in her immediate family has ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect lands her mother in the hospital, Chloe decides to finally confront him. She knows it wouldn’t be easy, but she isn't expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a silk dress. 

 

The discovery of her father’s secret causes both of them to panic with shocking consequences. This sentence should go up. I like your previous versions cause they explained exactly what happened. So, perhaps you can include the: "Panics, closes the door, when she goes back he's lying on the floor. She hurries to remove the dress, but by the time the paramedics arrive he's dead." In the weeks following the event Chloe begins to unravel the truth behind her father’s behaviour but risks losing the foundations on which she’s built her understanding of the world. Weak, imo. First mention that she digs deeper to find the truth, say about the fragile relationship with the other family members, and leave for last the policeman suspecting her. This will give impact!

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, is a work of Women’s Commercial Fiction that explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules that we live by both define and confine us. The complete script of 80,000 words is available on request. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for both CNBC and BBC television, and BBC radio.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

You have everything you need to make this query work! Just take a step back and look at your previous versions! I'll come back when you post again!


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#26 loopygoose

loopygoose

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 23 June 2017 - 10:23 AM

Hello! I hope I can be of some help!

You have everything you need to make this query work! Just take a step back and look at your previous versions! I'll come back when you post again!

 

Erevos, I LOVE your brutality and how definite your answers are. Thank you! I shall return the favour.



#27 Cengel

Cengel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 31 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 23 June 2017 - 11:07 AM

AND ANOTHER ATTEMPT.... :unsure:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Chloe knows about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. But she doesn’t know that breaking one will be life changing. I feel like it might help to say how it will be life changing - as it stands, it's a little ambiguous, as life changing could mean many things. I read your previous versions, though, and I like the switch to present tense! 

 

No one in her immediate family has ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect lands her mother in the hospital, Chloe decides to finally confront him. I think someone commented this before - but how is it just neglect that lands her in the hospital? It seems like maybe you are hinting at domestic abuse, but I'm not certain. If it's abuse, I would say so. She knows it wouldn’t be easy, but she isn't expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a silk dress. I love this sentence! Just like Chloe, we definitely don't expect it, and I think that's a good thing. 

 

The discovery of her father’s secret causes both of them to panic with shocking consequences. I agree with other posters - I think you should lay out the consequences. That way the consequences and resulting conflict are clear. In the weeks following the event Chloe begins to unravel the truth behind her father’s behaviour I think behavior is spelled without the "u" unless you are in the UK but risks losing the foundations on which she’s built her understanding of the world.

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, is a work of Women’s Commercial Fiction that explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules that we live by both define and confine us. The complete script of 80,000 words is available on request. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for both CNBC and BBC television, and BBC radio.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

 

Great job! I think there are just a couple places where more specific details could benefit you. 

 

I would love it if you would take a look at my query in return!


Please take a look at my query.


#28 ashleighm71

ashleighm71

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 23 June 2017 - 11:34 AM

I have not read your original query but from the comments above I can see a little more context. I completely agree that you should add the part about Chloe's father being dead. Now that makes me a lot more interested in this query! It also portrays how devastating Chloe may feel when uncovering the truth about her father. 

 

Your query's looking good! I just think that extra context is necessary to keep the reader hooked. 



#29 loopygoose

loopygoose

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 57 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 23 June 2017 - 12:53 PM

****HOW ABOUT THIS?****

 

Dear Agent,

 

Chloe Jessop knows about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. What she doesn’t know is that breaking one will be life changing. 

 

No one in her immediate family has ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect lands her mother in hospital, Chloe decides to confront him. She realises it won’t be easy, but she’s not expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a silk dress. She panics and shuts the door. When she looks again he has collapsed. Chloe calls the paramedics and is tasked with saving his life. But in her confusion she wastes valuable time covering up his secret and he ends up dead.

 

Chloe is now left with difficult questions about her father, and no idea whom she can talk to without divulging what really happened that night. Forced to plan the cremation with the rest of her family, she struggles with what she knows and her jealousy over the close bond forming between her mother and sister in law. The more she hunts for answers the more confused she is about the rules she thought mattered. Worse still, she’s not sure why the policeman who attended the scene keeps calling.

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, is a work of Women’s Commercial Fiction that explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules that we live by both define and confine us. The complete script of 80,000 words is available on request. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for both CNBC and BBC television, and BBC radio.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 



#30 trailerbride

trailerbride

    Northern Scum | Southern Belle

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 65 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I used to run an indie writers collective. Now I don't.

Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:12 PM

It's been interesting to read the different variations on this. I think you're pretty much there in terms of structure. Just some minor changes that I'd recommend. Mostly to strip out unnecessary words, and also to make a little more of the drama. Not having read your book, obv, I can't be precise but depending on your story, I'd have him "enjoying cocktails in a little black dress" or "practising the rhumba in a cocktail dress", something to breathe life into it, I hope that makes sense.

 

****HOW ABOUT THIS?****

 

Dear Agent,

 

Chloe Jessop knows about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. What she doesn’t know is that breaking one will be life changing. 

 

No one in her immediate family has ever questioned  challenged her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect lands her mother in hospital, Chloe decides to confront him. She realises it won’t be easy, but she’s not expecting to march into his study and find him wearing her father modeling a gorgeous silk dress. She panics and shuts slams the door. When she looks again, he has collapsed. Chloe calls the paramedics and is tasked with struggles to saveing his life. But in her confusion she wastes valuable time covering up his secret and he ends up dead.

 

Chloe is now left with difficult questions about her father, and no idea whom no one she can talk to without divulging the truth about his death. what really happened that night. Forced to plan the cremation with the rest of her family, she struggles with what she knows her knowledge and her jealousy over of the close bond forming between her mother and sister in law. The more she hunts for answers, the more confused she is about the rules she thought mattered was taught were so important. Worse still, she’s not sure why the policeman who attended the scene keeps calling.

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, is a work of Women’s Commercial Fiction that explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules that we live by both define and confine us. The complete script of 80,000 words is available on request. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for both CNBC and BBC television, and BBC radio.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 



#31 Korina-Maya

Korina-Maya

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 36 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 23 June 2017 - 05:59 PM

***Excellent feedback everyone. Thank you.  Here's another swipe! ***

 

Chloe knew about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. But she didn’t expect that breaking one would be life changing. I am new here but I realised that the hook must be at the begining right? So I prefer to leave this sentence out and go directly to the hook...(the dress part)

 

No one in her immediate family had ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect landed her mother in the hospital, Chloe took the rest of the day off from her Soho job and headed to her parent’s house to confront him. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she wasn't expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a cerise silk dress. 

 

Chloe's discovery of her father's secret is so unexpected that she panics with deadly consequences. 

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules we live by both define and confine us. It is a work of Women's Commercial Fiction that is complete at 80,000 words. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for television and radio.
In general I prefer the version of Deathbat, the first critique!



#32 Erevos

Erevos

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 84 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 26 June 2017 - 07:05 AM

Great great improvement and I'm glad that you took into consideration your previous posts.

 

****HOW ABOUT THIS?****

 

Dear Agent,

 

Chloe Jessop knows about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. What she doesn’t know is that breaking one will be life changing. 

 

No one in her immediate family has ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect lands her mother in hospital, Chloe decides to confront him. She realises it won’t be easy, but she’s not expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a silk dress. She panics and shuts the door. When she looks again he has collapsed. Great so far! Chloe calls the paramedics and is tasked with saving his life. But in her confusion she wastes valuable time covering up his secret and he ends up dead. With a bit of rewording this can flow much better. A quick thought of mine: "In her confusion to cover up his secret first, Chloe wastes valuable time and her father dies before the paramedics arrive." 

 

Chloe is now left with difficult questions about her father, and no idea whom she can talk to without divulging what really happened that night. Awesome! We have the inner struggle of our hero. Forced to plan the cremation with the rest of her family, she struggles with what she knows and her jealousy over the close bond forming between her mother and sister in law. I have to stop here and say that I prefer the ways her brother dealt with the abuse of their father. Not sure if this bond is important or not, but for me her brother seems more important...especially after reading your first version "she barely knows her brother or the secrets ways he deals with the damage wreaked on them both by their bullying father." If by any way you can reveal a bit more, please do so. It's intriguing!  The more she hunts for answers the more confused she is about the rules she thought mattered. This a bit vague for a first-time reader, but I'll take it. Worse still, she’s not sure why the policeman who attended the scene keeps calling. Yup, by now im hooked! BUT...can you rework the "won't stop calling?" I know queries aren't supposed to delve deep into the story, but if that policeman does more than simply calling, then say it. Tries to force her to admit her guilt? Stalks her? Corners her? I'll gladly take something like that!

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, If I may ask about the title...is the word "souvenir" refering to something specific? it may be interesting for the story! is a work of Women’s Commercial Fiction that explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules that we live by both define and confine us. The complete script of 80,000 words is available on request. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for both CNBC and BBC television, and BBC radio.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

 

Honestly, you are aaalmost ready when it comes to me! Some more changes, a bit of nitpicking (those commas, I hate them) and you can start quering!


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#33 Cengel

Cengel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 31 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 26 June 2017 - 07:13 PM

****HOW ABOUT THIS?****

 

Dear Agent,

 

Chloe Jessop knows about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. What she doesn’t know is that breaking one will be life changing. I still feel like the hook could be stonger - as it is, it's vague.

 

No one in her immediate family has ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect lands her mother in hospital, Chloe decides to confront him. She realises it won’t be easy, but she’s not expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a silk dress. Still like this - it's the part that grabs me. As an agent though, would I read this far without a hook up until this point? She panics and shuts the door. When she looks again he has collapsed. Chloe calls the paramedics and is tasked ,who task her with saving his life. But in her confusion, (introductory phrase needs a comma) she wastes valuable time covering up his secret, (you also need a comma here because you can't combine two complete sentences with just an and. you need a comma and a conjunction so , and works) and he ends up dead.

 

Chloe is now left with difficult questions about her father, and no idea whom she can talk to without divulging what really happened that night. Forced to plan the cremation with the rest of her family, she struggles with what she knows and her jealousy over the close bond forming between her mother and sister in law. This last bit seems like a departure from the plot thus far - kind of randomly dropped in here. We don't hear about these characters elsewhere. The more she hunts for answers the more confused she is about the rules she thought mattered. Worse still, she’s not sure why the policeman who attended the scene keeps calling. Interesting detail. I'm left wondering, too, which is good.

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR,   no comma here is a work of Women’s Commercial Fiction that explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules that we live by both define and confine us. The complete script of 80,000 words is available on request. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for both CNBC and BBC television, and BBC radio.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

 

Thanks for looking at my query! I like this version of yours a lot better. I think it's getting there. I posted a new draft as well and would love if you would take a look!


Please take a look at my query.


#34 ltlibrarian

ltlibrarian

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 125 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 03 July 2017 - 08:01 PM

****HOW ABOUT THIS?****

 

Dear Agent,

 

Chloe Jessop knows about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. What she doesn’t know is that breaking one will be life changing. - I almost feel like this may be too vauge? Can you add in any specifics?

 

No one in her immediate family has ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect lands her mother in hospital, Chloe decides to confront him. She realises it won’t be easy, but she’s not expecting to march into his study and finds him wearing a silk dress. When he collapses, She panics and shuts the door. When she looks again he has collapsed. Chloe calls the paramedics and is tasked with saving his life. But in her confusion she wastes valuable time covering up his secret and he ends up dead.

 

Chloe is now left with difficult questions about her father, and no idea whom she can talk to without divulging what really happened that night. Forced to plan the cremation with the rest of her family, she struggles with what she knows and her jealousy over the close bond forming between her mother and sister in law. The more she hunts for answers the more confused she is about the rules she thought mattered. Worse still, she’s not sure why the policeman who attended the scene keeps calling.

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, is a work of Women’s Commercial Fiction that explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules that we live by both define and confine us. The complete script of 80,000 words is available on request. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for both CNBC and BBC television, and BBC radio.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

 

I think this query is quite together and gets across all the important parts. Only the hook seems to need some tweaking.

 

If you have time I would super appreciate if you took a look at my query. The link is in my signature.


Looking for feedback on my query, will return the favour!

 

Website: http://ltlibrarian.com - book reviews, round-ups, quotes, writing tips, etc.

Twitter: @lunchtimelib

 


#35 jaustail

jaustail

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 289 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Foliate Oak Literary Magazine. Short Story.

Posted 04 July 2017 - 01:48 AM

JMO:

 

 

Chloe knew about unwritten rules; she grew up in a house full of them. But she didn’t expect that breaking one would be life changing. (maybe mention rules. it would give an idea of the situation she's in. rule like not eating meal after eight would make me think she's in an abusive house. rule like not getting pets in house would make me think it's regular house.)

 

No one in her immediate family had ever questioned her bullying father’s household regime. But when his neglect landed her mother in the hospital, Chloe took the rest of the day off from her Soho job and headed to her parent’s house(From first paragraph i thought Chloe was living with her parents) to confront him. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, but she wasn't expecting to march into his study and find him wearing a cerise silk dress. 

 

Chloe's discovery of her father's secret is so unexpected that she panics with deadly consequences. 

 

THE UNLIKELY SOUVENIR, explores themes of gender and sexuality and how the rules we live by both define and confine us. It is a work of Women's Commercial Fiction that is complete at 80,000 words. 

 

I am a former Reporter, Correspondent, and Editor, for television and radio.

 

 

Maybe write this in present tense. I suggest give more details about the characters. How was the father bullying?


Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users