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Bound (YA dystopian) Will critique in return.

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#1 BraveL

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 09:56 PM

Here's my working version of my query letter for my new book Bound. I'm grateful for any thoughts and am happy to return the favor!

 

Dear (name),

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. 

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class.

 

They should have killed her. 

 

Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy.

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. 

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE.

 

 

 



#2 Sataris

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 10:31 PM

Hi BraveL, I'll give this a shot!

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and dines on hors d'oeurvres that are so dainty they're practically invisible. (I really, really like what you're going for here, but the wording is very slightly off on the sandwich part. I'm not sold on my suggestion either, but I'm unsure of how exactly to work sandwiches in without losing the punchiness of your line.) But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. That's a great hook.

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class.

 

They should have killed her. (Who is they? her father's enemies? This line is punchy, but I don't think we know enough to go along with it yet)

 

She intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. And enlisting in the city's Elite guard presents a perfect opportunity. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict that was the way her numb frozen heart would thaw a little every time she bumps into her childhood sweetheart.(I'm guessing he's also in the guard, but you probably want to establish that before you mention her falling for him again) Unfortunatelyhe's also the son of her enemy.

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic (are they truly psychotic? words like this are minefields these days) competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. 

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE.

 

I think these comparisons might be too much of a good thing: you're comparing your work to, arguably, the greatest writer ever, one of the greatest sci fi universes of all time, a #1 NY Times bestselling series, and a hit TV show. While it's clear that you aren't trying to claim that your work is equal to any of them, I could still see an agent being turned off by it.

 

Overall, I think your query is really solid! Some questions I'd like to raise: what happens if she fails the trials? Will she simply go back to her awful life? Does her childhood sweetheart know that she's both people, and if so, could he potentially expose her if it suited him? If not, could he find out at any time? Could she possibly have to choose between getting her revenge and pursuing a relationship with him? Hope that was helpful - and good luck!

 

When you've got time, I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my query: actually, it seems you've beaten me to it! Thanks!


No current query!


#3 Paulsvault

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 10:35 PM

Here's my working version of my query letter for my new book Bound. I'm grateful for any thoughts and am happy to return the favor!

 

Dear (name),

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. 

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class.

 

They should have killed her. 

 

Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy. Well done.

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with, who she was, and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. I like this paragraph too.

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE.

I like the structure and the writing, it sounds good overall. I will just list a few questions I have about it and maybe it can either clear things up for me, or point out a portion of the query that may need to be revamped.

I may be wrong, but I'm guessing Amalia 'became' Mira after her father's execution? If so, maybe find an interesting way to point that out if possible.

Maybe briefly expound on the trials of the elite guards just to clear it up, or cut it if it's not 100% necessary. Start with "She intends to infiltrate..."

 

You have a strong start and my questions may be ignored if you feel the query is best left untouched in those matters.

Disclaimer -> I do my best to help, but there are many others here 10X better than me. I do not claim to be successful at querying one bit (at least not until I get an agent to bite!)  :smile:


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#4 Aightball

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Posted 14 June 2017 - 11:19 PM

Here's my working version of my query letter for my new book Bound. I'm grateful for any thoughts and am happy to return the favor!

 

Dear (name),

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be.  Interesting...your opening makes me curious to what's going on.

 

 

 

They should have killed her. 

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class.  In order to destroy her father's betrayers from within, she intends to infiltrate the capital by enlisting in the trials of the elite guards. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy.  Here it feels like you switched gears suddenly.  It doesn't feel like the two parts of your query connect.  I get that her father was framed, etc., but the sudden switch in gears was a bit jarring.  I've made a suggestion to bridge this.

 

Now Mira  must  reconcile who she is  with who she was and must face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials to avenge her father's death all while fighting her own heart.  I think your stakes can be a tiny bit stronger.  Remember that you want your book to stand out from others in the pile.  I made a suggestion that I think will simplify things.  But no one said revenge was ever easy. 

 

BOUND is YA dystopian complete at 71,000 words stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE.

 

This is pretty good!  I think you can trim and tighten it a little bit in spots to make it better.  I like the idea that you were inspired by The Tempest!


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Twitter Hook(s): http://agentquerycon...rescue-me-lgbt/

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#5 Ajax

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 12:14 AM

I'm pretty sure it's RED QUEEN and not THE RED QUEEN.



#6 rccallahan

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 04:42 AM

Hello!  

 

I hope my POV helps!  Let me know if you need any clarification on my notes. Interesting concepts! Good luck!

Here's my working version of my query letter for my new book Bound. I'm grateful for any thoughts and am happy to return the favor!

 

Dear (name),

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. (Oooh, interesting!!) 

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed (for what?) and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief, she now bears the mark of the servant class.(What mark?)

 

They should have killed her. (Woah, that's a jump.)

 

Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within(Why would they even let her enlist if she was disgraced?). But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy. (1) How come we don't get his name? 2) Why is she spending time with him... is he in the army too? And which enemy is he son of?)

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was, and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. 

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE. (That's a LOT of disparate comparisons...)

 

 



#7 Olive K. Aristen

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 11:55 AM

Hey, thanks for looking at my query. Here are my thoughts on yours.

 

 

Here's my working version of my query letter for my new book Bound. I'm grateful for any thoughts and am happy to return the favor!

 

Dear (name), 

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND. You could probably just leave the "I'm seeking..." out and put the word count below where you have the title.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. ​Would scavenge be an accurate word? Might be better than sort which is more general. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. I'm unsure of how this relates to the rest of the query. Is it just to say she used to be privileged? You don't ever mention Amalia again..?

 

When Mira was seven, her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless, [some people are weird about oxford commas; I try to remember to use it.] and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class. Ok, a class-based society. What was the class she used to be in?

 

They should have killed her. 

 

Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards, she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. This doesn't follow well for me. She's in the servant class, now she's going to the elite guard? I feel like something is missing. What is the outcome if she makes it? She's an elite guard? But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. From when she was seven? Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy. So, the friends I assume are the enemy. But maybe you'd want to be more specific of who these people are within this world?

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. A bit vague, what specifically will she have to do?

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE. Like one of the other posters said, I think this is a little much. I wouldn't go more than two comps and wouldn't use two like THE TEMPEST and STAR WARS.

 

 

Good luck! And thanks again.


Current query for critique: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=340722


#8 Lauraburns22

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 02:35 PM

Deleted the first sentence and braided the info into your closing paragraph because the agent knows your seeking representation. your word count isn't the most important part of your query so it shouldn't come first. 

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person, or at least they used to be. 

 

When Mira was seven, her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief, she now bears the mark of the servant class.

 

They should have killed her. was this on the table? killing a seven year old would tell a lot about this society. was she spared? if so, why? 

 

Enlisting in the trials this confused me for a second because i though the elite guards were on trial for killing her father maybe change this word to something else that suggests she's trying to get in of the elite guards, how much older is she when this happens because in my head she's still 7 she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately, he's also the son of her enemy.

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. I like this line. 

 

BOUND is a 71,000 stand alone YA dystopian novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE.

 

 

Is the love of her childhood sweetheart returned? This is important because revenge would be a lot easier if it weren't, but this is unclear. Also, maybe describe her a bit more. I feel distant from this MC, so it's hard to connect to the story. 

 

 

Hope this is helpful! Please review my query!

http://agentquerycon...hl=lauraburns22



#9 margoo77

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 03:01 PM

Dear (name),

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND. 

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in The Void, a land of dust and rot to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. - why the name change? Is it to hide her identity?

 

When Mira was seven, her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class. (What mark?

 

They should have killed her. (Who, and why do they want her dead?)

 

Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards, Mira intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. But What ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her frozen heart thaws a little every time she's with (include name), her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately, he's also the son of (one of) her enemy (enemies). - Is her enemy one man? Or a couple of men?

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. << Nice!

 

 

BOUND is a 71,000 word YA dystopian stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE.

 

 

This sounds like an interesting read! Hopefully my notes can help you in your revisions.



#10 lionspaws

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 06:40 PM

Mira Bloom sorts survives by sorting through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of dainty sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. Oh intriguing! Definitely makes me want to keep reading. 

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed for...?? and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with griefcomma she Mira now bears the mark of the servant class.

 

They should have killed her too

 

Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy. I'm very confused. Was her name Amalia before her father was killed? Or is it her undercover name? And when is she surviving in the void? 

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. Competitors for what? Deadly trials for what? It's unclear what the setting/time period is -- the void actually made me think outer space ... 

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE. I could be wrong, but this feels like way too many comps to me. I believe the norm is two. 

 

I really love the idea! I would definitely read it. I'd appreciate your thoughts on my query for "To Sail the Stars" 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#11 loopygoose

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 10:16 AM

Dear (name),

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Good. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. ​Ooh, nice.

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class.​You've lost me here. Should the Servant class have a capital letter? Who are the servant class? Who marked her? Who's in charge here? I like the idea I just don't understand. 

 

They should have killed her. 

 

Enlisting in the trials Do you mean she's trying out to be an Elite guard? of the elite guards ​Is this a proper name? i.e. Elite guards she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Where did he suddenly come from and why is she spending time with him? Is he an elite guard? A trainer? What's his name? Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy. So how is she coming into contact with him?

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with (comma) who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. 

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE.

 

This has real potential but, after a cracking start, you need to iron out of a few of the questions to make the idea much clearer. Excellent attempt!



#12 kwmags

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Posted 18 June 2017 - 03:13 PM

Dear (name),

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in The Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible not sure if this flows (and bites of sandwiches...) hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups with the elite. But Use another word, maybe Yet or Nonetheless Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. 

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class. So did she have to change her name? 

 

They should have killed her. Good line but confusing. Who should have killed her? Or is she saying that they might as well have killed her because she is now a servant?

 

Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards what exactly is she doing here? she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb Frozen heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy. I like that this is brought up but where does he come from? is he a guard too? if she is under cover doesn't he still know who she is?

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. I like this

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE. I would cut this down. I was told to list 2 at most. I would possibly take out Star Wars, as thats a HUGE thing to compare to.

 

I really enjoyed this query! I think it has huge potential!!

If you have a moment. Mine is YA as well called Interchangeable http://agentquerycon...interchangeable

 



#13 loopygoose

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 06:17 AM

Dear (name),

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in The Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive.Excellent. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. Mira and Amalia are the same person; or at least they used to be. Love this.

 

Back when Mira was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief Mira now bears the mark of the servant class. You need to include her name again because otherwise we can't work out which of the two girls you're talking about. 

 

They Who? should have killed her because now she has enlisted in the trials of the elite guards with the intention of infiltrating the capital and destroying her father's betrayers from within. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy. Now you've lost me. How is she with he childhood sweetheart? Is he one of the elite guards? 

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. 

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE. 

 

I love your concept and think this will be an excellent story. I'm still confused, though about who Amalia is. You mention her right at the start but then she never comes up again. How does that work? Great effort. 

Could you please query mine: The Unlikely Souvenir.



#14 Erik18

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Posted 09 October 2017 - 09:46 PM

Overall this is pretty good, but I do have a couple of minor quibbles.

 

Your first para is enticing, but it seems irrelevant as we read along.  Personally, I'd start with "When Mira was seven ..."

 

I too didn't understand "Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards ..." Unclear

 

As well, I find your closing paragraph problematic.  I know folks like to use this device - i.e. a mash-up using comparisons to well-known stories as a kind of short-hand.  I find that sometimes, it can backfire.  For one thing, it suggests that your story is derivative.  Furthermore, when using such a blunt form of short-hand, you may actually be confusing the situation.  The reader may not understand which aspect of the referenced material you're citing.  For example, the references you cite in your query appear to be miles apart, which makes me wonder what tone your book will take - e.g. Star Wars conjures up a plot-driven fun adventure, whereas The Tempest is heavy and dramatic and character-driven.  



#15 egavin

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  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 13 October 2017 - 10:01 PM

Here's my working version of my query letter for my new book Bound. I'm grateful for any thoughts and am happy to return the favor!

 

Dear (name),

 

I'm seeking representation for my 71,000 word YA dystopian novel BOUND.

 

Mira Bloom sorts through wastes in the Void, a land of dust and rot, to survive. Amalia DeRunes hosts tea parties with gilded porcelain cups and bites of sandwiches so dainty they're nearly invisible. But Mira and Amalia are the same person. Or at least they used to be. 

 

When Mira was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now bears the mark of the servant class. (This part is a little confusing. I get the idea, but I think it could be clearer. Maybe something like:

 

"When Amalia was seven her father was framed and executed by those he called friends. Disgraced, penniless and abandoned by a mother gone mad with grief she now lives as a servant, under the name of Mira"

 

They should have killed her. (The pronoun feels weird this far after the part about the traitors, and I don't think you lose anything by cutting this line)

Enlisting in the trials of the elite guards (I agree with everyone above. The wording is confusing here) she intends to infiltrate the capital and destroy her father's betrayers from within. But what ten years of plotting couldn't predict was the way her numb heart thaws every time she's with her childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately he's also the son of her enemy. (I think you need more detail about him. How does she meet him? I assume he's also in the trials?)

 

Now Mira must reconcile who she is with who she was and face an array of semi-psychotic competitors, murky politics, and deadly trials all while fighting her own heart. But no one said revenge was ever easy. 

 

BOUND is a stand alone novel with series potential. Inspired by Shakespeare's THE TEMPEST it combines the eerie landscapes of STAR WARS with the social inequalities of Victoria Aveyard's THE RED QUEEN and the delicious twists and turns of ABC's REVENGE.

Most of these issues are pretty minor! Clear some things up and I think you're good!

My query's in my signature if you have a moment.







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