Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

It Won't Happen Again (and other lies) Contemporary YA query

Young Adult

  • Please log in to reply
3 replies to this topic

#1 MarthaG

MarthaG

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 2 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:225, a local publication

Posted 14 June 2017 - 11:00 PM

The first time Blaze hits Ellie, she forgives him.  Until now, he’s done nothing but dote on her: spending time with her, plying her with thoughtful gifts, and shedding light on the true intentions of her two best friends, Claire and Grace.
 
At 15, it’s hard to know if she’s in actual love, but it sure feels like it.  She finally feels like she fits in at exclusive Whitmore Academy.  How can she even think of giving up the kind of security Blaze offers?
 
With Claire’s anxiety disorder and Grace’s creepy new stepfather, they know their own lives aren’t as perfect as they seem.  So when they see signs of trouble for Ellie and Blaze, they can’t help but wonder if that’s just what love looks like from the outside.
 
IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN (AND OTHER LIES), a YA novel written in four voices, is complete at 59,000 words and is my first work of fiction.  I appreciate your consideration.
 


#2 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 18 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 15 June 2017 - 04:29 AM

Hi!  

 

Hope this helps!  

 

RC

 

 

The first time Blaze hits Ellie, she forgives him.  Until now, he’s done nothing but dote on her: spending time with her, plying her with thoughtful gifts, and shedding light on the true intentions of her two best friends, Claire and Grace.(This needs some expounding.. their intentions on what?  And what did Ellie think they were up to?)
 
At 15, it’s hard to know if she’s in actual love (actually in?), but it sure feels like it.  She finally feels like she fits in at exclusive Whitmore Academy.  How can she even think of giving up the kind of security Blaze offers? (What security?  Popularity I'm assuming, but clarity would be good. And I thought you just said she forgave him? If she's doubting [which she definitely should sounds like], make that clear?)
 
With Claire’s anxiety disorder and Grace’s creepy new stepfather, they know their own lives aren’t as perfect as they seem.  So when they see signs of trouble for Ellie and Blaze, they can’t help but wonder if that’s just what love looks like from the outside. (It feels weird to me that the Clair and Grace stuff is split with a paragraph between them.  I kind of forgot who they were by the time you mentioned them again.  Maybe you could restructure kind of like: The first time Blaze hits Ellie, she forgives him.  Until now, he’s done nothing but dote on her: spending time with her, plying her with thoughtful gifts, and ensuring her long-awaited popularity (or whatever it is) at the exclusive Whitmore Academy. How can she even think of giving up the kind of security Blaze offers? And isn't she in love with him?  At 15, it’s hard to know if she’s in actual love (actually in?), but it sure feels like it.  And he's the only one who tells her about the true intentions of her two best friends, Claire and Grace.--- and then you could go into their stuff from there.)
 
IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN (AND OTHER LIES), a YA novel written in four voices, is complete at 59,000 words and is my first work of fiction.  I appreciate your consideration.

(If it's written in four voices, I think that there should be more about Claire and Grace and Blaze.  It feels very Ellie centric right now.)



#3 loopygoose

loopygoose

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 17 June 2017 - 10:07 AM

The first time Blaze hits Ellie, she forgives him. At 15, it’s hard to know if she’s in actual love, but it sure feels like it. And until now, he’s done nothing but dote on her: spending time with her, plying her with thoughtful gifts.  He also sheds light on the true intentions of her two best friends, Claire and Grace.  

 

She finally feels like she fits in at exclusive Whitmore Academy.  Why? Was it a struggle? When did she meet him? Was it before, or after she met her other friends. How can she even think of giving up the kind of security Blaze offers? You need a bit more background to show us why the stakes are so high in giving up her relationship with Blaze. 

 
With Claire’s anxiety disorder and Grace’s creepy new stepfather, they know their own lives aren’t as perfect as they seem.You need to break this down more. I'd turn it round saying that both Claire and Grace can’t help but wonder if that’s just what love looks like from the outsideThen explain why i.e. anxiety and creepy etc. You then need to finish off by giving a clear understanding of the jeopardy. Without friends who can judge accurately what is going on in their relationship Ellie must struggle to reconcile what is happening to her and work out what real love looks like. 
 
IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN (AND OTHER LIES), a YA novel written in four voices, is complete at 59,000 words and is my first work of fiction.  I appreciate your consideration.
 
​You've got a cracking opening and can get this query into shape with a bit more work. Just flesh out the jeopardy more and give us a stronger sense of why the problems encountered by Ellie are going to take an entire novel to resolve. A very good start!


#4 tsnyder

tsnyder

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 12 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 19 June 2017 - 07:36 PM

The first time Blaze hits Ellie, she forgives him.  Until now, he’s done nothing but dote on her: spending time with her, plying her with thoughtful gifts, and shedding light on the true intentions of her two best friends, Claire and Grace. 
 
At 15, it’s hard to know if she’s in actual love, but it sure feels like it.  She finally feels like she fits in at exclusive Whitmore Academy.What is so cool about this place?  How can she even think of giving up the kind of security Blaze offers? Why does she feel like she needs this dude to protect her?
 
With Claire’s anxiety disorder and Grace’s creepy new stepfather, they know their own lives aren’t as perfect as they seem.  So when they see signs of trouble for Ellie and Blaze, they can’t help but wonder if that’s just what love looks like from the outside. Since this story is written in four different voices...does it stay true to first person depending on who is speaking? Or is it written in third?  I feel like you need some more meat to tie all these characters together. I am not an expert on this and still trying to figure this out.
 
IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN (AND OTHER LIES), a YA novel written in four voices, is complete at 59,000 words and is my first work of fiction.  I appreciate your consideration.
 
Please feel free to critique mine. I can use help trying to tie my characters together. I also have a character named Claire. 
PANSIES CANNOT SURVIVE HERE






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Young Adult

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users