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The Fate Maker's Almanac (Fantasy)


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#1 speedchuck

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 12:00 PM

Dear Agent,
 
Jason Augustine will die in one year. No more, no less. And he knows it.

Prophecies aren't easy to come by, and are hard to believe. But fate itself convinces Jason of his future by saving his life again and again, leaving him hungry for purpose and desperate for time to fulfull it. He sets his sights on a lofty, even impossible goal.

The Goran.

An order of peace-keeping warrior monks, limited to only those who have the genetic capacity for it. They aren't fully human, and they deal with those things that aren't fully human. Results of war experiments, black magic, and secrets that even the King himself isn't privy to. Jason doesn't have the mutation needed to become Goran. All he has on his side is fate's promise, a friend that left the order, and a name that means a lot more than he knows.

Becoming a Goran is only the beginning of troubles. Jason's last name brings with it a whole host of problems once he learns of the legacy he's inherited. Massacres, kidnappings, genocide, the list goes on. The Augustine name will not be remembered for the good Jason does as a Goran, but for the works of his ancestry that are coming to light. Unless he can right every wrong, and overcome that legacy, he may end up being forgotten in death. Or worse, remembered as an accomplice. If Jason wants to make a difference and be remembered, he'll have to right the course of the world and perhaps even let go of his own ideals.

And he has to hurry. His last year has already begun.

 
THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Oddball fantasy with a strong focus on character, ethics, and predestination.
 
NEW QUERY IN POST #21
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
This is a really weird book to query. It started out as a fantasy parody, and now it's just a weird fantasy story. Still, it hits all the high notes of world-building, action, destiny, epic conflicts, and relatable struggles. But because of the change in nature, I'm not sure how to pitch it. There's a lot of plot to it, and to hit the high notes of what makes the story, I have to leave out some things.
 
So, what is this missing? Thanks for the help.



#2 Sataris

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 12:31 PM

Hi Speedchuck, a few things to consider.

 

Jason Augustine will die in one year. No more, no less. And he knows it. Implied

Prophecies aren't easy to come by, and are even harder to believe. But fate itself convinces Jason of his future by saving his life again and again, leaving him hungry for purpose and desperate for time to fulfull it. He sets his sights on a lofty, even impossible goal. So he's essentially immortal? that's pretty cool.

The Goran. I don't think you want this on its own line, because it doesn't really come off as punchy because we have no idea what the Goran is at this point

An order of peace-keeping warrior monks, limited to only those who have the genetic capacity for it. They aren't fully human, and they deal with those things that aren't fully human. Results of war experiments, black magic, and secrets that even the King himself isn't privy to. Probably background we don't need; we just need to know they're superhuman warriors. Jason doesn't have the mutation needed to become Goran. All he has on his side is fate's promise, a friend that left the order, and a name that means a lot more than he knows.

Becoming a Goran is only the beginning of troubles. Jason's last name brings with it a whole host of problems once he learns of the legacy he's inherited. Massacres, kidnappings, genocide, the list goes on. The Augustine name will not be remembered for the good Jason does as a Goran, but for the works of his ancestry that are coming to light. Unless he can right every wrong, and overcome that legacy, he may end up being forgotten in death. Or worse, remembered as an accomplice. If Jason wants to make a difference and be remembered, he'll have to right the course of the world and perhaps even let go of his own ideals.

 

So his conflict is that he doesn't want to be remembered as a murderer and so on? Maybe that should be a bit more central to the query, and the goran thing should just be one of the ways he tries to right the wrongs of his family?

And he has to hurry. His last year has already begun.

 

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Oddball fantasy with a strong focus on character, ethics, and predestination.

 

Couple really cool things here: the limited immortality aspect is really interesting - I'd maybe like an example of how he's cheated death before. Maybe that could contribute to the oddball nature of your story? There's also going to be a lot of tension since we know that, essentially, the character is going to die at the end. I'm assuming this is the case, but if it isn't, you may want to sow a little doubt in here.

 

My main concern is that while the stakes are clear (he has to right a ton of wrongs if he doesn't want to be remembered as an accomplice to atrocities) they aren't very high in the scheme of things, or, at the very least, they're essentially interior stakes. They probably become high once we really like the character, but starting off, we're sort of just looking at a guy who doesn't want to be forgotten. And we know that he can't die throughout the story, and that he will die at one specific point, so his mortality isn't really an issue from that perspective.

 

Does he maybe have a family he's leaving behind that he doesnt want to pass the tainted family name onto? does he think that cancelling out the wrongs of the past will somehow affect the prophecy? What happens if he doesn't become a Goran? Will he just move onto doing other good works? Might also help if you played up the "giving up his ideals" line - that adds a bit of interior conflict. You also mentioned he has to right the course of the world; maybe we need a bit more about what will happen to the world if he fails to do this? Will it be destroyed or claimed by evil? That would add a bunch of exterior conflict.

 

As to the nature of the story, I don't think you're leaving out too much here, except that if your story really reads as an oddball romp, your query might be leading the reader in the wrong direction. If i were to request pages here because of this query, I'd basically expect a serious a story, which might cause some dissonance. Maybe try to work a bit of the character's voice in, since this seems to be a character-driven piece.

 

I hope that was helpful. If you've got a minute, I'd appreciate it if you'd check out my query here: http://agentquerycon...poc-ya-revised/


No current query!


#3 trailerbride

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 04:13 PM

Well, you asked, so this query is lacking tight writing, detail, and stakes I can believe in. If I was an agent, I'd be tempted to assume the story will suffer from the same weaknesses. I've thrown in some suggestions I hope may help, but not knowing the details of your story, I'm not sure they will.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Jason Augustine will die in one year. No more, no less. And he knows it.

Prophecies aren't easy to come by, and are hard to believe.  Since you don't explain how he came by the prophecy, I think the first part of this is unnecessary. I'd rethink this opening and maybe delete it to focus on the next sentence.

 

 

But fate itself convinces Jason of his future by saving his life again and again, Is Fate a real thing in your story, or are you just using it in the general sense. If it's the latter, I'd maybe drop it and combine the second and third sentences into something like:

 

He didn't believe the prophecy at first., but after he survived some example here, he realized ... something here to describe and expand on the prophecy.

 

Such as

 

He didn't believe the prophecy at first., but after he survived a fall from the top of the Empire State Building and an attack by a giant grizzly bear, Jason realized the old woman had been telling the truth, after all--he was going to die on Christmas Day.


 

leaving him hungry for purpose and desperate for time to fulfull it. He sets his sights on a lofty, even impossible goal. -- The lofty generality of this pushes me away from your story. You need something to pull me in. And that should probably include how he feels about his death and life. Something like:

 

Terrified of dying alone and unremembered, desperate to give his short life meaning, Jason decides to ...

 


The Goran.

An order of peace-keeping warrior monks, limited to only those who have the genetic capacity for it. They aren't fully human, and they deal with those things that aren't fully human. Results of war experiments, black magic, and secrets that even the King himself isn't privy to. Jason doesn't have the mutation needed to become Goran. All he has on his side is fate's promise, a friend that left the order, and a name that means a lot more than he knows.

 

This whole section needs reworking. It's detailed where it doesn't need to be, and frustratingly generic where it should be detailed. I shouldn't need, for example,  to read on to learn that the name in question is his family name.

 

Becoming a Goran is only the beginning of troubles. Jason's last name brings with it a whole host of problems once he learns of the legacy he's inherited. Massacres, kidnappings, genocide, the list goes on. The Augustine name will not be remembered for the good Jason does as a Goran, but for the works of his ancestry that are coming to light. Unless he can right every wrong, and overcome that legacy, he may end up being forgotten in death. Or worse, remembered as an accomplice. If Jason wants to make a difference and be remembered, he'll have to right the course of the world and perhaps even let go of his own ideals.

 

The same applies here, I think. It's waffly where it should be tight, and again frustratingly general. Picking up from and fixing "Jason decides to ..." above, you could do something like:

 

Desperate to give his short life meaning, Jason finagles his way into the Goran, an order of warrior monks who protect the realm from ... . Fighting demons and shaving his head turns out to be the least of Jason's problems. According to the Goran's Big Book of Bad Villains, his own ancestors were the worst of the worst. Specific examples here. To make a difference and be remembered when he's gone, Jason must ...

 

I also think you need to work on his motivation/stakes. Really what does anything matter after he's dead? Nothing really in this query yet has convinced me why he would care.

 

And he has to hurry. His last year has already begun.

 

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Oddball fantasy with a strong focus on character, ethics, and predestination.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

This is a really weird book to query. It started out as a fantasy parody, and now it's just a weird fantasy story. Still, it hits all the high notes of world-building, action, destiny, epic conflicts, and relatable struggles. But because of the change in nature, I'm not sure how to pitch it. There's a lot of plot to it, and to hit the high notes of what makes the story, I have to leave out some things.

 

So, what is this missing? Thanks for the help.



#4 lionspaws

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 04:19 PM

Jason Augustine will die in one year. No more, no less. And he knows it. Great hook! 

Prophecies aren't easy to come by, and they are hard to believe. But fate itself convinces Jason of his future by saving his life again and again, leaving him hungry for purpose and desperate for time to fulfull it. He sets his sights on a lofty, even impossible goal. I get what you're trying to say with this phrase, but it's confusing. In other words, because he could have died multiple times and didn't, he now believes the prophecy? 

The Goran, an order of peace-keeping warrior monks, limited to only those who have the genetic capacity for it. They aren't fully human, and they who deal with those things that aren't fully human. R results of war experiments, black magic, and secrets that even the King himself isn't privy to don't end with a preposition ;). Jason doesn't have the mutation needed to become Goran. All he has on his side is fate's promise, a friend that left the order, and a name that means a lot more than he knows. Huh! Intriguing...

Becoming a Goran is only the beginning of troubles. Jason's last name brings with it a whole host of problems once he learns of the legacy he's inherited. 
Awkward phrasing; try something like "Jason discovers the legacy of his name..." Massacres, kidnappings, genocide, the list goes on. The Augustine name will not be remembered for the good Jason does as a Goran, but for the works of his ancestry that are coming to light. Unless he can right every wrong, and overcome that legacy, he may end up being forgotten in death. Or worse, remembered as an accomplice. If Jason wants to make a difference and be remembered, he'll have to right the course of the world and perhaps even let go of his own ideals. I don't think you need those sentences as they are repetitive and detract from your paragraph rather than add to it. Your meaning is clear; Jason wants to right the wrongs done by his family. But how exactly did they do these wrongs? Like, was his great-grandfather a powerful king?? And why would he have to let go of his ideals--mean sacrifice his dream of becoming a goran? 

And h He has to hurry. His last year has already begun. Great ending! So does it not occur to him to try and avoid his own death? 

 

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k 97,000 word Oddball fantasy with a strong focus on character, ethics, and predestination. that will appeal to readers of XXX and YYY. Also, is oddball fantasy a genre? You should do some genre research. What is your target audience? You should give us an idea of Jason's age, which may make it YA. 

 

Sounds like a lot of fun, and I like Jason already! I'd appreciate your thoughts on my latest query draft for "To Sail the Stars." 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#5 speedchuck

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 10:47 PM

About to go on vacation. I will absolutely update this next chance I get, as well as return the favor. Thanks.



#6 daddude7

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 03:17 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Jason Augustine will die in one year. No more, no less. And he knows it.

Prophecies aren't easy to come by, and are hard to believe. This sentence reads clunky. Perhaps you could mention how Jason knows, if it's material to the story? Avoid the passive voice and keep it related to JasonBut fate itself convinces Jason of his future by saving his life again and again, leaving him hungry for purpose and desperate for time to fulfull fulfill it. He sets his sights on a lofty, even impossible goal.

The Goran. Combine this and the next two paragraphs.

An order of peace-keeping warrior monks, limited to only those who have the genetic capacity for it. They aren't fully human, and they deal with those things that aren't fully human. Not human themselves, they deal with those who aren't fully human as well: Results of war experiments, black magic, and secrets that even the King himself isn't privy to. Jason doesn't have the mutation needed to become Goran. All he has on his side is fate's promise, a friend that  who has left the order, and a name that which means a lot more than he knows.

Becoming a Goran is only the beginning of Jason's troubles. Jason's His last name brings with it a whole host of problems once he learns of the legacy he's inherited. Massacres, kidnappings, genocide, the list goes on. The Augustine name will not be remembered for the good Jason does as a Goran, but for the works of his ancestry that are coming to light. Unless he can right every wrong, and overcome that legacy, he may end up being forgotten in death. Or worse, remembered as an accomplice. If Jason wants to make a difference (what is the difference? be specific) and be remembered (as what?), he'll have to right the course of the world and perhaps even let go of his own ideals. Tighten this--just too many words. Too much passive voice. Avoid general statements, and try to be specific.

And he has to hurry. His last year has already begun.

 

Add a bio. 

 

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Oddball fantasy with a strong focus on character, ethics, and predestination.

 

********************************************************

I hope that helped. My query is in my signature.



#7 speedchuck

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 10:59 AM

Jason Augustine, avid book reader and school dropout, has exactly one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.
 
When a personal prophecy convinces Jason that he will not die before February third, he hits a brick wall. What could he do to make something of his life? He explores several options: Joining an elite force of genetically-gifted warrior monks, fighting an invisible Wyrmling that robs people of motivation, and gambling his life to fix the odds. His goal is to make something of himself, to leave a legacy so that the country of Keros will remember Jason Augustine as a hero, like those he's read about.
 
In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father, determining that overthrowing the wickedness of his family will be worth the remainder of his life.
 
What Jason finds in his father is a man that is all-too-relatable, a coming destruction that might warrant some necessary evil, and a single chance to change the entire world. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil power, or to remove his father from power and take down the whole world with him.
 
<bio>
 
THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy with a strong focus on purpose, ethics, and character. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.
 
 
**************************************************************************************************

I think this is better. I've chosen what I want to focus on in the story, and that gave me the ability to tighten up the wording and up the stakes and character involvement. This is not a YA story. Jason is already living on his own. Think of it as a really early midlife crisis. Endlife crisis? Whatever.
 
I don't know which books to compare this one to in the "appeal" section. I'll ask some of my betas.
 
Thanks for the feedback!



#8 kathleenq

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 12:59 PM

Jason Augustine, avid book reader and (what school?) school dropout, has exactly one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.

 

When a personal prophecy convinces Jason that he will not die before February third, he hits a brick wall. What could he do to make something of his life? He explores several options: Joining an elite force of genetically-gifted warrior monks, fighting an invisible Wyrmling that robs people of motivation, and gambling his life to fix the odds. His goal is to make something of himself, to leave a legacy so that the country of Keros will remember Jason Augustine as a hero, like those he's read about.

 

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father, determining that overthrowing the wickedness of his family will be worth the remainder of his life.

 

What Jason finds in his father is a man that is all-too-relatable, a coming destruction that might warrant some necessary evil, and a single chance to change the entire world. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil power, or to remove his father from power and take down the whole world with him. (So in the previous paragraph, it seems like Jason is already determined to overthrow his father, but now, he is questioning that - I think there needs to be more of a transition otherwise it's too confusing about why he's suddenly unsure.)

 

<bio>

 

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy with a strong focus on purpose, ethics, and character. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

 

 

**************************************************************************************************

I think this is better. I've chosen what I want to focus on in the story, and that gave me the ability to tighten up the wording and up the stakes and character involvement. This is not a YA story. Jason is already living on his own. Think of it as a really early midlife crisis. Endlife crisis? Whatever.

 

I don't know which books to compare this one to in the "appeal" section. I'll ask some of my betas.

 

Thanks for the feedback!

Overall, this is pretty good. It's very clear, and well written. The stakes are good, and I'd be interested in reading more. It could be appealed to something like The Golden Compass? Although I could be totally wrong about that.

 

I'd appreciate if you'd check out my query, Glass Domes. Thanks!


Query: Glass Domes


#9 speedchuck

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 10:00 AM

A few minor changes:

****************************************************************************************************
Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has exactly one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.

When a personal prophecy convinces Jason that he will die on February third, and not a day before, he strives to change his life, certain that he can accomplish something with his time left. He manages to join an elite force of genetically-gifted peacekeeping monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average man. All the while Jason gambles his life to fix odds in his favor, knowing that fate will not let him die, not yet. His goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight.

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father, determining that overthrowing the wickedness of his family will be a worthy goal for this last year of his life.

But what Jason finds in his father is an argument that is all-too-convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him.

And what use is a legacy is nobody is alive to remember it?

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy with a strong focus on purpose, ethics, and character. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

 

<bio>

****************************************************************************************************



#10 Faegheh

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 09:22 AM

A few minor changes:

****************************************************************************************************
Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has exactly one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.

When a personal prophecy convinces Jason that he will die on February third, and not a day before, he strives to change his life, certain that he can accomplish something with his time left. He manages to join an elite force of genetically-gifted peacekeeping monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average man. All the while Jason gambles his life to fix odds in his favor, knowing that fate will not let him die, not yet. His goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight.

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father, determining that overthrowing the wickedness of his family will be a worthy goal for this last year of his life.

But what Jason finds in his father is an argument that is all-too-convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him.

And what use is a legacy is (I think 'when' is a better word) nobody is alive to remember it?

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy with a strong focus on purpose, ethics, and character. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

 

<bio>

****************************************************************************************************

Yeah, I came to critique and found nothing. Honestly, it sounds really good. I love it that the devil is a she and your MC's conflict makes me want to read the book right now.

 

Thank you for your feedback on my query and good luck :)



#11 speedchuck

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 11:36 AM

Yeah, I came to critique and found nothing. Honestly, it sounds really good. I love it that the devil is a she and your MC's conflict makes me want to read the book right now.

 

Thank you for your feedback on my query and good luck :)

Well, you found an egregious typo, so thanks! It was supposed to be 'if'. I think I'll change it to 'when', though. Thanks!



#12 jaustail

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 12:01 PM

JMO:

 

Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has exactly one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.

When a personal prophecy convinces Jason that he will die on February third(, and not a day before, he strives to change his life (this was kinda mentioned in earlier paragraph. either put that or this), certain that he can accomplish something with his time left. He manages to join an elite force of genetically-gifted peacekeeping monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average man.(doesn't really add much to query) All the while Jason gambles his life to fix odds in his favor, knowing that fate will not let him die, not yet. His goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight.

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock(before this I did not thin this was fantasy. i thought this was literary). Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father, determining that overthrowing the wickedness of his family will be a worthy goal for this last year of his life.

But what Jason finds in his father is an argument that is all-too-convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him.

And what use is a legacy is nobody is alive to remember it?

 

Great ending
THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy with a strong focus on purpose, ethics, and character. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

 

 

I liked this. Maybe change the first paragraph so it becomes clear that this is fantasy. Good query.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Space Opera

First 250 words.

Link


#13 Kimseal

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 12:04 AM

Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has exactly one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it. great opening, really love it.

When a personal prophecy convinces Jason that he will die on February third, and not a day before, he strives to change his life, certain that he can accomplish something with his time left this just repeats what you said better in the first three lines, cut it. He manages to joins an elite force of genetically-gifted peacekeeping monks I'm not sure what genetically-gifted means but I love the idea of genetically-giftd peacekeeping monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average man. All the while Jason gambles his life to fix odds in his favor, knowing that fate will not let him die, not yet. His goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight. These last two sentences are both confusing and give no new information—cut them.

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father. Period not comma, determining that Overthrowing his father and undoing his wickedness the wickedness of his family will be is a worthy goal for this last year of his life.

But
what Jason finds in his Jason's father is has an argument that is all-too-convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned great conflict!. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him excellent stakes, good moral conundrum.

And what use is a legacy is nobody is alive to remember it?
great last line

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy with a strong focus on purpose, ethics, and character you already showed us this, don't tell it too. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

 

 

This is a good query. I understand the story and the stakes are high, interesting, and clear. I think there are a few lines here and there that can be tightened but ​this looks pretty much ready to go.

 

 

Link to mine (in number 9):

http://agentquerycon...l-return-crits/

 



#14 CS29

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 02:15 AM

Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has exactly one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.

When a personal prophecy convinces Jason that he will die on February third, and not a day before, he strives to change his life, certain that he can accomplish something with his time left. He manages to join an elite force of genetically-gifted peacekeeping monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average man. All the while Jason gambles his life to fix odds in his favor, knowing that fate will not let him die, not yet. His goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight.

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father. Overthrowing the wickedness of his family will is a worthy goal for this last year of his life.

But what Jason finds in his father is an argument that is all-too-convincing argument. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings (The end of this sentence reads a bit clunky. Maybe try something more like ", the devil herself, bringing destruction to all in her path."). Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him.

And what use is a legacy is when/with nobody is alive to remember it?

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy with a strong focus on purpose, ethics, and character. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

 

Certainly an intriguing premise. Most of my corrections are more matters of word choice. Feel free to discard them if they don't work for you. Good luck!



#15 speedchuck

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 03:04 PM

Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.

This personal prophecy of Jason's death date gives him both hope and a terrific loophole to exploit. By gambling his life, he can fix the odds of any encounter, and fate will not let him die. He uses this loophole to join an elite force of genetically-gifted monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average human. These monks are given the responsibility of dealing with fantastic beings that are hidden from society, merfolk and half-angels, genetically mutated animals and humans alike. Jason's goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight.

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father. Overthrowing his father and undoing the wickedness of his family is a worthy goal for this last year of his life.

But Jason' father has an argument that is all-too-convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him.

And what use is a legacy when nobody is alive to remember it?

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

<bio>

**********************************************************************

I think it is more clear that the story is fantasy if I explain what the monks do, and I also removed the repetition from the query. How is this? Is it better than the previous one, or does it go into information overload?

#16 bkarperien

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 06:19 PM

Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.

This personal prophecy of Jason's death date gives him both hope and a terrific loophole to exploit. By gambling his life, he can fix the odds of any encounter, and fate will not let him die. He uses this loophole to join an elite force of genetically-gifted monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average human. These monks are given the responsibility of dealing with fantastic beings that are hidden from society, merfolk and half-angels, genetically mutated animals and humans alike. Jason's goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight.

(Need some sort of transition here)
In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father, determined to undo the wickedness of his family before his time is up. 

But Jason' father stops him with an argument that is all-too convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him.

And what use is a legacy when nobody is alive to remember it?

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

<bio>

**********************************************************************

I think it is more clear that the story is fantasy if I explain what the monks do, and I also removed the repetition from the query. How is this? Is it better than the previous one, or does it go into information overload?

I LOVED THIS

It was very clear, the stakes are great, the prose was lovely. I just had a couple changes.


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#17 jaustail

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 01:58 AM

JMO:

 

 

Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it.

This personal prophecy of Jason's death date gives him both hope and a terrific loophole to exploit. By gambling his life, he can fix the odds of any encounter, and fate will not let him die(wow). He uses this loophole to join an elite force of genetically-gifted monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average human. These monks are given the responsibility of dealing with fantastic beings that are hidden from society, merfolk and half-angels, genetically mutated animals and humans alike. Jason's goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight.

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father. Overthrowing his father and undoing the wickedness of his family is a worthy goal for this last year of his life.

But Jason' father has an argument that is all-too-convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction,(maybe full stop) heroism and ethics be damned. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him.

And what use is a legacy when nobody is alive to remember it?

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

 

I think it is more clear that the story is fantasy if I explain what the monks do, and I also removed the repetition from the query. How is this? Is it better than the previous one, or does it go into information overload?

 

Let the monk part remain here. It makes things clear. I liked the query. It flows smoothly.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Space Opera

First 250 words.

Link


#18 lionspaws

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 12:48 PM

Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, Nineteen-year-old Jason Augustine (flows better) has one year to live. No more, no less. A and he's determined not to waste it. Cool! I like him already haha

This personal prophecy of Jason's death date gives him both hope and a terrific loophole to exploit. By gambling his life, he can fix the odds of any encounter, and fate will not let him die. What do you mean by "fix the odds of any encounter?" He uses this loophole to join an elite force of genetically-gifted monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average human. These monks are given the responsibility of dealing with fantastic beings that are hidden from society, merfolk and half-angels, genetically mutated animals and humans alike. Jason's goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight. Wait... are the merfolk and half angels hidden, or the beings are hidden from them? 

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising. Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father. Overthrowing his father and undoing the wickedness of his family is are a worthy goals for this last year of his life. Plural -- overthrowing and undoing 

But Jason' father has an argument that is all-too-convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned. Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him. This is a lot to introduce in a closing paragraph -- wyrm, devil, destruction, and all of a sudden his father is a good guy? I think you could work on simplifying. Because we think Jason's goal is to get rid of his father, but then suddenly it's to take on this wyrm? I'm sure it's really interesting in your plot, just a little much for a query. Perhaps you could skip the entire paragraph about his father's rise to power and just focus on saving humanity and non-humanity from the wyrm as Jason's goal. Also, maybe this is totally random, but I immediately thought of Jason of Greek mythology :) 

And what use is a legacy when nobody is alive to remember it? I like it. 

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#19 lyncfs

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 01:12 PM

Jason Augustine, nineteen years old, has one year to live. No more, no less. And he's determined not to waste it. ​(good hook, makes me want to read on)

This personal prophecy of Jason's death date gives him both hope and a terrific loophole to exploit. By gambling his life, he can fix the odds of any encounter, and fate will not let him die. He uses this loophole to join an elite force of genetically-gifted monks, a feat that none considered possible for the average human (​ this part really isn't important it's what the monks do). These monks are given the responsibility of dealing with fantastic beings that are hidden from society, merfolk and half-angels, genetically mutated animals and humans alike ​(combine last 2 sentences). Jason's goal, to leave the legacy of a hero, is in sight. ​(After reading through your query, this all seems like backstory that can be deleted or condensed and worked into the paragraphs below)

In the southern country of Talania, trouble is rising.​ (I'm confused by the change of setting all of a sudden. Mention in the first few sentences that it's set in another world since Jason is a pretty normal name.) Jason's long-lost father is creating his own legacy, dominating those that are not fully human and using their life-force to become a powerful warlock. Afraid that he will only be remembered as the son of a murderer and slaver, Jason confronts his father ​woah - this is a lot of backstory all of a sudden. I think you can condense to one sentence and move up. It also makes Jason more interesting as a character. Overthrowing his father and undoing the wickedness of his family is a worthy goal for this last year of his life.

But Jason' father has an argument that is all-too-convincing. A great Wyrm is coming, the devil herself, and destruction is all she brings. Only a powerful warlock can prevent human extinction, heroism and ethics be damned ​(I was thinking back to the monks. What do they have to do with the conflict with his father? And can they help stop the wyrm?). Jason must choose to be an accomplice to his father's evil, corrupting power, or to remove his father from power and let the whole world fall with him. ​good ending sentence with the choice.

And what use is a legacy when nobody is alive to remember it? ​I wouldn't end with a rhetorical question--It's cliché and your last sentence about the choice was good enough.

THE FATE MAKER'S ALMANAC is a 97k Fantasy. It may appeal to readers of XXX and YYY.

<bio>

**********************************************************************

I think it is more clear that the story is fantasy if I explain what the monks do, and I also removed the repetition from the query. How is this? Is it better than the previous one, or does it go into information overload?


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#20 speedchuck

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 01:16 PM

This is a lot to introduce in a closing paragraph -- wyrm, devil, destruction, and all of a sudden his father is a good guy? I think you could work on simplifying. Because we think Jason's goal is to get rid of his father, but then suddenly it's to take on this wyrm? I'm sure it's really interesting in your plot, just a little much for a query. Perhaps you could skip the entire paragraph about his father's rise to power and just focus on saving humanity and non-humanity from the wyrm as Jason's goal. Also, maybe this is totally random, but I immediately thought of Jason of Greek mythology :)

 

That's the thing, though. His father isn't a good guy. The power he's hoarding is still evil, and his father is still a murderer and a slaver, which is hard to justify in any case. If the father is good, then Jason has no inner conflict to deal with.

 

Because Jason's father is bad, helping him might even doom the world to servitude under an insanely-powerful madman even after the Wyrm is defeated.

 

Thanks for the feedback, guys! I'm out of town today, but I'll get back to you all.






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