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First 250. The Warrior's Crown


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#1 Paulsvault

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 01:21 PM

Here are my first 250 words of my YA Fantasy novel, The Warrior's Crown. Let me know what you think!

 

Prince Casmeirs sword fell from his lifeless hand and clattered onto the hard, tile floor, his body not far behind. A heavy, plated gauntlet reached down and snatched the gold medallion from around the prince’s neck, the token of his royal lineage, while the other still held the long, black sword tight. The last true heir to the throne lay in a bloody pile at the feet of the Demon Overlord’s general. He vanished into a swirling mist of grey smoke just as the door flung open and guards filled the room.

 

“How did this happen!” Guard Commander Holis cried. He shot a finger out at a guard, “You there! Guard that door with your life. No word of the prince’s death leaves this room unless I give the order!”

 

“Yes, sir!” The guard blocked the door holding his halberd across his chest.

 

Holis stood over Prince Casmeirs mangled corpse while a slow-moving pool of blood spread across the floor. The prince seemed peaceful, almost as if he were sleeping, except for the deep, yawning hole in his chest. Holis looked around the room with his hands on his hips, chewing on his lower lip, trying to figure out how this could have happened. There was no way anyone could have made it into the room though without passing a slew of guards.

 

“First the king, and now his son on the day of his coronation.” Holis muttered to himself. He sighed and turned to another guard. “Fetch the Seer,” he croaked. His throat was already dry and gravely. “We need to know if she can sense anything here.”


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#2 chellina216

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 03:01 PM

Hello. I think you're off to a good start and I found it enjoyable.  My only comment is that it reads a little robotic.  I would suggest making it a little more personal to the characters involved. Maybe something like this: 

 

Standing over Prince Casmeir's corpse, Holis thought he seemed peaceful, almost as if he were sleeping. Except for the deep, yawning hole in his chest, that is. He stepped aside, careful not to disturb the slow-moving pool of blood spreading across the floor. Looking around the room, Holis noted nothing out of the ordinary.  The windows remained bolted as always and the only way in was through a slew of guards. Including Holis. And no one got through him unnoticed. He chewed on his lower lip. How could this have happened?

 

Good luck, I hope that helps. Keep writing!



#3 Paulsvault

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 10:33 AM

After some critiques of my opening and a decision to do a complete rewrite of the opening, my new 250 has changed dramatically, but I just feel like it lacks a good pop at the beginning.

 

 “Can you believe how beautiful they are?” Adira whispered. She pushed her short, black hair out of her eyes and craned her neck up at the tall statues lining the streets. Past kings adorned in their magnificent cloaks and glistening gold and jewels from their reign long ago. Soon another statue would be added, that of King Olag.

 

“I’m sure their beauty is unmatched, dear,” a voice said from behind her.

 

Adira turned to look back at the elderly man whose hand she gripped tight. His murky, white eyes turned up to the sky with a hint of a smile on his face.

 

“I’m sorry Papa, I shouldn’t have said that.” She cast her eyes down, upset with herself for asking such a silly question.

 

Papa reached out until he found her shoulder with his free hand and squeezed tight. “Do not worry, dear, my eyes may have failed me, but I can still picture the glory of this city in my mind.”

 

Adira smiled and gave Papa a hug. “I’m so glad we came,” she said.

 

They traveled deeper into the city, and further into the throng of people. In the lush, green grass along the roadside Adira watched children with wooden swords spar with one another. The crack and pop of their swords echoed over the many voices of the crowd.

 

“I still can’t believe how it happened,” Adira heard a woman beside her mutter.

 

“What do you mean?” Adira asked.

 

The woman watched as the children ran and played in the grass, her sad and sullen eyes glistening in the sunlight, fighting back tears. 


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#4 Paulsvault

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Posted 03 June 2018 - 06:03 PM

It's been a while, and I've made a few changes, but would like to try again on the 1st 250 critique. Thanks in advance!

 

 

A cool sea breeze swirled Adira’s hair about her face as she craned her neck up to the tall, bronze statues lining the bustling streets. Figures of past kings forever adorned in their magnificent armor, encrusted with glistening gold and jewels from their reign long ago. Soon another statue would be added. Their most recent ruler, King Olag.

 

“Can you believe how beautiful they are, Papa?” she whispered.

 

“I’m sure their beauty is unmatched, dear.”

 

Adira turned to Papa, his murky eyes tilted towards the sky with the faintest hint of a smile on his weathered face.

 

“Sorry, Papa,” she said. “I didn’t mean...”

 

“Don’t worry, dear. I may be old and blind, but I can still picture the glory of this city in my mind.”

 

Adira smiled and squeezed Papa’s hand tight. “I’m so glad we came,” she said as they traveled deeper into the heart of city, further into the bulging throng ahead. To many people they may have seemed as a young woman and her grandfather, but Papa was no relation to Adira, even though he was the closest thing to a father she had ever known.

 

They stopped at a courtyard where children, wielding wooden swords and mimicking the movements of their favorite warriors, sparred with one another along the roadside. Each crack and pop of their swords echoed over the murmur of the many voices in the crowd.

 

“I still can’t believe how it happened,” an old woman muttered to no one in particular.


The Warrior's Crown Query: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown Synopsis: http://agentquerycon...own-ya-fantasy/

The Warrior's Crown First 250: http://agentquerycon...warriors-crown/

The Warrior's Crown Hook: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=337108

 

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. - James Douglas Morrison

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you. - Ray Bradbury

 


#5 lnloft

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Posted 03 June 2018 - 07:09 PM

It's been a while, and I've made a few changes, but would like to try again on the 1st 250 critique. Thanks in advance!

 

 

A cool sea breeze swirled Adira’s hair about her face as she craned her neck up to the tall, bronze statues lining the bustling streets. Figures of past kings forever adorned in their magnificent armor, encrusted with glistening gold and jewels from their reign long ago. I'm on the side that firmly believes sentence fragments can be acceptable in story-writing, but this one to me doesn't work. I had to read it twice, because I was waiting for a follow-up that never came. Soon another statue would be added. Their most recent ruler, King Olag.

 

“Can you believe how beautiful they are, Papa?” she whispered.

 

“I’m sure their beauty is unmatched, dear.”

 

Adira turned to Papa, his murky eyes tilted towards the sky with the faintest hint of a smile on his weathered face.

 

“Sorry, Papa,” she said. “I didn’t mean...”

 

“Don’t worry, dear. I may be old and blind, but I can still picture the glory of this city in my mind.” Was the rhyme intentional here?

 

Adira smiled and squeezed Papa’s hand tight. “I’m so glad we came,” she said as they traveled deeper into the heart of city, further into the bulging throng ahead. To many people they may have seemed as a young woman and her grandfather, but Papa was no relation to Adira, even though he was the closest thing to a father she had ever known.

 

They stopped at a courtyard where children, wielding wooden swords and mimicking the movements of their favorite warriors, sparred with one another along the roadside. Each crack and pop of their swords echoed over the murmur of the many voices in the crowd.

 

“I still can’t believe how it happened,” an old woman muttered to no one in particular.

Didn't have too much on a line-by-line basis; you've got pretty solid control over your writing, and nothing jumped out to me as bland or overwritten. However, I do feel this is a bit of a heavy-handed way to establish that Papa is blind. Like the dialogue doesn't feel so much like an honest mistake that Adira would make as it does a way for them to tell the reader that he can't see. You can probably work it in a little more subtly. Other than that, though, good work. I potentially could have kept reading if this had gone on longer.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.





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