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The Playthings (Adult Fantasy/Myth/Alternative History)


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#1 daddude7

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 02:45 PM

Revised:

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Jesophot just wants to buy a new goat. Instead, he receives the curse of divine revelation. When this recorded prophecy vanishes, he must recover it before the devil spreads a corrupt version and taints all of history.

    

From ancient Canaan and Egypt to modern Chicago and Las Vegas, Jesophot, aided and hindered by deities, struggles to find and preserve the writings. His family remains in danger until he finds the prophecy, gets it into the right hands, and sets history on its proper course. Should he fail—having had immortality forced upon him—he will live on only to witness the painful deaths of those he cares about and the world’s remaking by Lilith, the queen of demons. 

  

The novel co-opts and often subverts biblical stories, using them to illuminate humanist rather than religious questions. Readers familiar with CAIN by José Saramago and AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman will find it exploring related themes.  

    

[Bio]

 

THE PLAYTHINGS, an upmarket blend of fantasy, myth and alternative history, is complete at 83,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.  

 

****

I've been a lurker. Now I decided to give it a shot. Thank you so much, everyone, for your thoughts! I will reciprocate.



#2 Sataris

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 03:15 PM

Jesophot just wanted to buy a new goat. Instead, he received the curse of divine revelation and writes it down. When the prophecy he's codifed vanishes, he must recover it before the devil spreads a corrupt version and taints all of history.

 

From ancient Canaan and Egypt to modern Chicago and Las Vegas, Jesophot, aided and hindered by deities, strives to find and preserve the writings, but his immortality he never wanted makes targets of those he cares about the target. This previous sentence might need to be broken into separate parts  His whole people the whole world will remain in danger until he finds the prophecy, gets it into the right hands, and sets history on its proper course. Should he fail, he will live on only to witness the painful deaths of his friends and family, and the world’s remaking by Lilith, the first among demons. 

  

The novel co-opts and often subverts biblical stories, using them to illuminate humanist rather than religious questions. Readers familiar with CAIN by José Saramago and AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman will find it exploring related themes.  

    

Raised in Poland, I have called the USA home since 1990. My careers have ranged from fixing stucco while dangling from roofs by a rope in Paris to sorting through human cadaver heads in Jacksonville. I am a Master of Arts in Creative Writing candidate at [private info]. My short stories have appeared in The Tishman Review, Streetlight Magazine and The Ryder Magazine.   

  

THE PLAYTHINGS, an upmarket blend of fantasy, myth and alternative history, is complete at 83,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.  

  

Sincerely,

 

****

I've been a lurker. Now I decided to give it a shot. Thank you so much, everyone, for your thoughts. I will reciprocate.

I think this sounds pretty good overall; it's concise, and we know that we've got a reluctant hero that's thrust into a high-stakes conflict. I cut that last bit about your credentials because while super interesting, it doesn't directly influence your writing of this piece. However, if you're attending one of the top MFA programs in the US (iowa, michener, etc) you might consider keeping that part in. Very solid first attempt.

 

I hope that was helpful! If you've got a minute, I'd appreciate you taking a look at the latest version of my query, the many small deaths of oz.


No current query!


#3 kathleenq

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 04:58 PM

Jesophot just wants to buy a new goat. Instead, he receives the curse of divine revelation and writes it down. When the prophecy (is this the same thing as the curse? is it a physical object? if so, why does he need to write it down?) vanishes, he must recover it before the devil spreads a corrupt version (how does his version and the devil's correlate? if the version he had is already a curse, wouldn't that be bad enough?) and taints all of history.

 

From ancient Canaan and Egypt to modern Chicago and Las Vegas, Jesophot, aided and hindered by deities, strives to find and preserve the writings, but the immortality he never wanted makes those he cares about loves the target. (target of what?) His whole people remain in danger until he finds the prophecy, gets it in the right hands, and sets history on its proper course. Should he fail, he will live on only to witness the painful deaths of his friends and family, and the world’s remaking by Lilith, the first among demons. 

  

The novel co-opts and often subverts biblical stories, using them to illuminate humanist rather than religious questions. Readers familiar with CAIN by José Saramago and AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman will find it exploring related themes.  

    

Raised in Poland, I have called the USA home since 1990. My careers have ranged from fixing stucco while dangling from roofs by a rope in Paris to sorting through human cadaver heads in Jacksonville. I am a Master of Arts in Creative Writing candidate at [private info]. My short stories have appeared in The Tishman Review, Streetlight Magazine and The Ryder Magazine.   

  

THE PLAYTHINGS, an upmarket blend of fantasy, myth and alternative history, is complete at 83,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.  

  

Sincerely,

 

****

I've been a lurker. Now I decided to give it a shot. Thank you so much, everyone, for your thoughts. I will reciprocate.

I would love to know more about Jesophot's backstory - the fact that he just wants a goat makes him seem like an everyday person, but then he has immortality? How did that happen and why is he the only one of his family/friends to have it? Also, this is a nitpicky thing, but if he is immortal and his family/friends are not, wouldn't he have to watch them die anyway? What would be the difference between them dying and them dying from the devil's doing?

 

I hope this has been helpful! If you have a minute, I'd appreciate if you could take a look at my query, Glass Domes. Thanks!


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#4 tsnyder

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Posted 19 June 2017 - 07:24 PM

Jesophot just wants to buy a new goat. Instead, he receives the curse of divine revelation and writes it down. When the prophecy vanishes, he must recover it before the devil spreads a corrupt version and taints all of history.The intro hints at satire. 

 

From ancient Canaan and Egypt to modern Chicago and Las Vegas, Jesophot, aided and hindered by deities, strives to find and preserve the writings, but the immortality he never wanted makes those he cares about the target.Slightly confused...what time period is he in when he wishes to buy a goat? He then time travels forward and backward? How? His whole people remain in danger until he finds the prophecy, gets it in the right hands, and sets history on its proper course. Should he fail, he will live on only to witness the painful deaths of his friends and family, and the world’s remaking by Lilith, the first among demons. This Lillith guy or gail sounds interesting. Is this a character that follows him around and attempts to thwart him?

  

The novel co-opts and often subverts biblical stories, using them to illuminate humanist rather than religious questions. Readers familiar with CAIN by José Saramago and AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman will find it exploring related themes.  

    

Raised in Poland, I have called the USA home since 1990. My careers have ranged from fixing stucco while dangling from roofs by a rope in Paris to sorting through human cadaver heads in Jacksonville. I am a Master of Arts in Creative Writing candidate at [private info]. My short stories have appeared in The Tishman ReviewStreetlight Magazine and The Ryder Magazine.   Your bio is quite interesting. Ever thought of writing a bit about your life story...does anyone of it show up in your stories?  

 

Feel free to give me some advice too. My query is PANSIES CANNOT SURVIVE HERE



#5 daddude7

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 07:54 AM

Jesophot just wants to buy a new goat. Instead, he receives the curse of divine revelation. When this recorded prophecy vanishes, he must recover it before the devil spreads a corrupt version and taints all of history.

 

From ancient Canaan and Egypt to modern Chicago and Las Vegas, Jesophot, aided and hindered by deities, strives to find and preserve the writings, but the gift of immortality he never wanted makes targets of those he cares about instead. His whole tribe remains in danger until he finds the prophecy, gets it into the right hands, and sets history on its proper course. Should he fail, he will live on only to witness the painful deaths of his friends and family, and the world’s remaking by Lilith, the first among demons. 

  

The novel co-opts and often subverts biblical stories, using them to illuminate humanist rather than religious questions. Readers familiar with CAIN by José Saramago and AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman will find it exploring related themes.  

    

[Bio]

 

THE PLAYTHINGS, an upmarket blend of fantasy, myth and alternative history, is complete at 83,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.   



#6 speedchuck

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 09:55 AM

Jesophot just wants to buy a new goat. Instead, he receives the curse of divine revelation. When this recorded prophecy vanishes, he must recover it before the devil spreads a corrupt version and taints all of history. The goat bit is humorous, but I have no idea how it relates to the rest. If you could, with a bit of humor, provide a link between these things, the hook would be much stronger. "Jesophot just wants to by a new goat. Due to a particularly egregious clerical error, he instead receives the curse of divine revelation."

If you can't link these things, you shouldn't use the goat.

 

From ancient Canaan and Egypt to modern Chicago and Las Vegas, Jesophot, aided and hindered by deities, strives to find and preserve the writings, but the gift of immortality he never wanted makes targets of those he cares about instead. Long sentence. Split it up. Did the immortality come with the curse? His whole tribe When is Jesophot from? What is he like? Does it matter? remains will remain in danger until he finds the prophecy, gets it into the right hands, and sets history on its proper course. Should he fail, he will live on only to witness the painful deaths of his friends and family, and the world’s remaking by Lilith, the first among demons. If he is traveling through time, why is Lilith after his tribe rather than the future world or something? What event is it that remakes the world? You have room for a little bit of embellishment, and to me, moving from ancient Canaan to Vegas implies time travel, which undercuts the urgency of Lilith's arrival and makes me wonder not where, but WHEN she is coming.

  

The novel co-opts and often subverts biblical stories, using them to illuminate humanist rather than religious questions. This interests me at least as much as the query above. Readers familiar with CAIN by José Saramago and AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman will find it exploring related themes.  

    

[Bio]

 

THE PLAYTHINGS, an upmarket blend of fantasy, myth and alternative history, is complete at 83,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.   

 

Not bad. I'd read it. Hope my thoughts help!






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