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Title Pending (YA Fantasy)

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#1 kmanz

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Posted 20 June 2017 - 10:47 PM

Updated query is found in #26. Thanks to all of you lovely writers out there for your help. :) I am happy to return the favor of query review if you leave your link in your response! I feel like I am getting close to having a finished product, but it seems like you could edit forever. How did you know when your query was submission ready?

 

Hello everyone here is my first attempt at a query for my debut novel whose title is still pending! Thank you all for considering reading and giving feedback!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Hundreds of years ago, a new race was born when a mysterious force, the gift, entered the world, bestowing upon its recipient a magic so powerful she could make her every wish come true. Now, 18-year-old Natalia Landen, one of the last surviving members of the gifted race, must utilize her powers to battle unspeakable evil in order to save her family and the world.

 

From the outside, Natalia Landen appears to be like every other teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret. A secret that if discovered could get her killed. Her powers make her strong, giving her the ability to wish for almost anything she desires, but they also make her a target. With its passing from generation to generation, the gift transformed to have potential for purity or for wickedness dependent on who wields its power. Having fallen into darkness, the Jamisons are a family which embodies everything evil about the gift, seeking out and murdering anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. Fearing that she and her sister Janni may be the only two people who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must overcome doubt and fear, trusting in the mysterious voice that guides her, to save a dark and troubled world. The two sisters must band together, along with some unlikely heroes, to overcome against all odds.

I have a Master of Science degree in Speech-Language Pathology. Writing has been a hobby of mine since I was a young girl, constantly inspired by my grandparents, published authors Peter and Carolyn Harstad. As an undergraduate student I took a creative writing class which encouraged me to complete my debut novel (TITLE PENDING), a young adult fantasy complete at 56,7000 words which will appeal to fans of Divergent and The Hunger Games.  Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.         

     

 Best regards,

Kathryn Mancewicz



#2 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 12:37 AM

Hundreds of years ago, a new race was born when a mysterious force, the gift, entered the world, bestowing upon its recipient a magic so powerful she could make her every wish come true. (That is a long first sentence. It's a big hard to take in.) Now, 18-year-old Natalia Landen, one of the last surviving members of the gifted race, must utilize her powers to battle unspeakable evil in order to save her family and the world. That sounds like an interesting plot to me, but it didn't grab my attention per say. I'd work to develop a short hook sentence. This sounds more of what would be in the middle of a query when you're developing the plot more. Focus on Natalia here.

Also, you repeat this information later too. Try not to repeat anything in a query letter.

 

From the outside, Natalia Landen appears to be like every other teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret. A secret that if discovered could get her killed. (Reworded that and it may be your hook. Like: "Natalia may appear like an average teenager, but she holds a deep, dark secret that could get her killed." I don't care if you take that word for word. You can have it. For the hook, this would be here by itself in its own paragraph.)

 

Her powers give make her strong, giving her the ability to wish for almost anything she desires, but that also makes her a target. With its passing from generation to generation, The gift transformed to has the potential for purity or for wickedness, depending on who wields its power. Having fallen into darkness, the Jamisons are a family that embodies (I'd use another word than embodies. It sounds strange.) everything evil about the gift, seeking out and murdering anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for.

 

Fearing that she and her sister Janni may be the only two people person who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must overcome her doubt and fear by trusting in the mysterious voice that guides her. Only then she will have a chance at saving her to save a dark and troubled world. (Whoa! You mentioned so much and didn't explain it! What mysterious voice? When did she just start hearing this mysterious voice? When did her sister come into this picture? Also "overcome doubt and fear" sounds cliche. Try to stay away from those. --- Expand more on the plot though! It sounds interesting, but I'm also confused because I don't know all of it.) The two sisters must band together, along with some unlikely heroes, to overcome against all odds. You mention the sister late into the query, so I'd either take her out of the query or mention her earlier. Personally, I'd take her out and focus on Natalia completely. It's easier to focus and expand on one character to get the agent into the novel. Trust me, I don't mention most of my main characters. I just mention one. You can look at my query for a reference.

 

Make sure you stay in present tense by the way. Also, split your query into multiple paragraphs. Don't have one huge paragraph or you'll frighten the agent away.

 

I have a Master of Science degree in Speech-Language Pathology. Writing has been a hobby of mine since I was a young girl, constantly inspired by my grandparents, published authors Peter and Carolyn Harstad. As an undergraduate student I took a creative writing class which encouraged me to complete my debut novel (TITLE PENDING), a young adult fantasy, is completed at 56,7000 words which will appeal to fans of Divergent and The Hunger GamesUnless you have some major background in writing like have published before or have a blog, don't say anything about yourself here. Only mention you too, not your grandparents. I know it's important information to you, but your agent doesn't need/care about your history. If you have a great query and great first pages of your novel sent to them, they'll take you. That's all you need. They don't need a background check. (Though I know that part does mean a lot to you. I actually started writing because of one of my grandparents too.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you. Keep this separate from the other paragraph. This is always it's own special little paragraph. I've seen a lot of other writers forget about this spot or make it awkward, so I commend you for writing this part well and including it. Good job.

 

This is a great start. When I began, I wasn't even this good. lol You have great structure going on here. If you use the hook I gave you (which please do) and keep the ending, you have your beginning and end set to this query. All you have to do then is explain more of the plot. You got this!



#3 Nonicks

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 02:21 AM

Hello everyone here is my first attempt at a query for my debut novel whose title is still pending! Thank you all for considering reading and giving feedback!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Hundreds of years ago, a new race was born when a mysterious force, the gift, entered the world, bestowing upon its recipient a magic so powerful she could make her every wish come true. Now, 18-year-old Natalia Landen, one of the last surviving members of the gifted race, must utilize her powers to battle unspeakable evil in order to save her family and the world. - nothing unique in this paragraph. Sounds like tons of other fantasy books/films I've seen. Or maybe it's just the vagueness of the sentences. " a mysterious force" - this could be anything. How is this different from any other book out there with a mysterious force? The same goes for "bestowing upon its recipient a magic so powerful she could make her every wish come true" and "to battle unspeakable evil in order to save her family and the world". I can speak only for myself but what I find interesting always has something to do with the character. What is special about Natalia?

 

 

From the outside, Natalia Landen appears to be like every other teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret. A secret that if discovered could get her killed. - what's the secret? Her powers make her strong, giving her the ability to wish for almost anything she desires, but they also make her a target. With its passing from generation to generation, the gift transformed to have potential for purity or for wickedness dependent on who wields its power. Having fallen into darkness, the Jamisons are a family which embodies everything evil about the gift, seeking out and murdering anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. Fearing that she and her sister Janni may be the only two people who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must overcome doubt and fear, trusting in the mysterious voice that guides her, to save a dark and troubled world. The two sisters must band together, along with some unlikely heroes, to overcome against all odds.

I have a Master of Science degree in Speech-Language Pathology. Writing has been a hobby of mine since I was a young girl, constantly inspired by my grandparents, published authors Peter and Carolyn Harstad. As an undergraduate student I took a creative writing class which encouraged me to complete my debut novel (TITLE PENDING), a young adult fantasy complete at 56,7000 words which will appeal to fans of Divergent and The Hunger Games - too famous to be compared to.  Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.         

     

 Best regards,

Kathryn Mancewicz



#4 kmanz

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 02:04 PM

 

Hundreds of years ago, a new race was born when a mysterious force, the gift, entered the world, bestowing upon its recipient a magic so powerful she could make her every wish come true. (That is a long first sentence. It's a big hard to take in.) Now, 18-year-old Natalia Landen, one of the last surviving members of the gifted race, must utilize her powers to battle unspeakable evil in order to save her family and the world. That sounds like an interesting plot to me, but it didn't grab my attention per say. I'd work to develop a short hook sentence. This sounds more of what would be in the middle of a query when you're developing the plot more. Focus on Natalia here.

Also, you repeat this information later too. Try not to repeat anything in a query letter.

 

From the outside, Natalia Landen appears to be like every other teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret. A secret that if discovered could get her killed. (Reworded that and it may be your hook. Like: "Natalia may appear like an average teenager, but she holds a deep, dark secret that could get her killed." I don't care if you take that word for word. You can have it. For the hook, this would be here by itself in its own paragraph.)

 

Her powers give make her strong, giving her the ability to wish for almost anything she desires, but that also makes her a target. With its passing from generation to generation, The gift transformed to has the potential for purity or for wickedness, depending on who wields its power. Having fallen into darkness, the Jamisons are a family that embodies (I'd use another word than embodies. It sounds strange.) everything evil about the gift, seeking out and murdering anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for.

 

Fearing that she and her sister Janni may be the only two people person who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must overcome her doubt and fear by trusting in the mysterious voice that guides her. Only then she will have a chance at saving her to save a dark and troubled world. (Whoa! You mentioned so much and didn't explain it! What mysterious voice? When did she just start hearing this mysterious voice? When did her sister come into this picture? Also "overcome doubt and fear" sounds cliche. Try to stay away from those. --- Expand more on the plot though! It sounds interesting, but I'm also confused because I don't know all of it.) The two sisters must band together, along with some unlikely heroes, to overcome against all odds. You mention the sister late into the query, so I'd either take her out of the query or mention her earlier. Personally, I'd take her out and focus on Natalia completely. It's easier to focus and expand on one character to get the agent into the novel. Trust me, I don't mention most of my main characters. I just mention one. You can look at my query for a reference.

 

Make sure you stay in present tense by the way. Also, split your query into multiple paragraphs. Don't have one huge paragraph or you'll frighten the agent away.

 

I have a Master of Science degree in Speech-Language Pathology. Writing has been a hobby of mine since I was a young girl, constantly inspired by my grandparents, published authors Peter and Carolyn Harstad. As an undergraduate student I took a creative writing class which encouraged me to complete my debut novel (TITLE PENDING), a young adult fantasy, is completed at 56,7000 words which will appeal to fans of Divergent and The Hunger GamesUnless you have some major background in writing like have published before or have a blog, don't say anything about yourself here. Only mention you too, not your grandparents. I know it's important information to you, but your agent doesn't need/care about your history. If you have a great query and great first pages of your novel sent to them, they'll take you. That's all you need. They don't need a background check. (Though I know that part does mean a lot to you. I actually started writing because of one of my grandparents too.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you. Keep this separate from the other paragraph. This is always it's own special little paragraph. I've seen a lot of other writers forget about this spot or make it awkward, so I commend you for writing this part well and including it. Good job.

 

This is a great start. When I began, I wasn't even this good. lol You have great structure going on here. If you use the hook I gave you (which please do) and keep the ending, you have your beginning and end set to this query. All you have to do then is explain more of the plot. You got this!

 

Robin LeeAnn, thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate you taking the time to do that. I also really appreciate that you included some words of encouragement since this is kind of an intimidating process! I will definitely take this all into account in making edits! Thanks again!



#5 kmanz

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 02:05 PM

 

Hello everyone here is my first attempt at a query for my debut novel whose title is still pending! Thank you all for considering reading and giving feedback!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Hundreds of years ago, a new race was born when a mysterious force, the gift, entered the world, bestowing upon its recipient a magic so powerful she could make her every wish come true. Now, 18-year-old Natalia Landen, one of the last surviving members of the gifted race, must utilize her powers to battle unspeakable evil in order to save her family and the world. - nothing unique in this paragraph. Sounds like tons of other fantasy books/films I've seen. Or maybe it's just the vagueness of the sentences. " a mysterious force" - this could be anything. How is this different from any other book out there with a mysterious force? The same goes for "bestowing upon its recipient a magic so powerful she could make her every wish come true" and "to battle unspeakable evil in order to save her family and the world". I can speak only for myself but what I find interesting always has something to do with the character. What is special about Natalia?

 

 

From the outside, Natalia Landen appears to be like every other teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret. A secret that if discovered could get her killed. - what's the secret? Her powers make her strong, giving her the ability to wish for almost anything she desires, but they also make her a target. With its passing from generation to generation, the gift transformed to have potential for purity or for wickedness dependent on who wields its power. Having fallen into darkness, the Jamisons are a family which embodies everything evil about the gift, seeking out and murdering anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. Fearing that she and her sister Janni may be the only two people who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must overcome doubt and fear, trusting in the mysterious voice that guides her, to save a dark and troubled world. The two sisters must band together, along with some unlikely heroes, to overcome against all odds.

I have a Master of Science degree in Speech-Language Pathology. Writing has been a hobby of mine since I was a young girl, constantly inspired by my grandparents, published authors Peter and Carolyn Harstad. As an undergraduate student I took a creative writing class which encouraged me to complete my debut novel (TITLE PENDING), a young adult fantasy complete at 56,7000 words which will appeal to fans of Divergent and The Hunger Games - too famous to be compared to.  Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.         

     

 Best regards,

Kathryn Mancewicz

 

Nonicks, thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it and will take it into account in my editing. It is kind of hard to know how much to reveal in a query letter and how much to leave open so that the reader will want to read more. Do you have any suggestions for finding that balance?



#6 kmanz

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 05:48 PM

Most updated query in #18

 

Here is in updated query which hopefully gives a bit more of the plot/makes it stand out as being unique and not like every other fantasy story. I would love if anyone is wiling to take the time to give some feedback and thanks again to those who already did!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Natalia may appear to be an average teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret; a secret that if discovered could get her killed.

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race which was born hundreds of years ago. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. While most would view such power as amazing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. Having fallen into darkness, the Jamisons are a family that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. Once everyone else with the gift is eliminated, the Jamisons will be unstoppable.

 

Natalia has managed to remain hidden from the Jamisons until one night she hears a mysterious voice seemingly coming from nowhere. Shortly after this encounter, Natalia begins to hear the same voice in dreams which reveal the atrocities of the Jamisons. At first Natalia fears she is going crazy. She soon discovers that she is not in fact crazy, but rather, the voice she is hearing belongs to the powerful being who bestowed the gift upon her ancestors many years ago. Fearing she may be the only person who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must harness her powers, trusting in the strange voice that guides her, to save a troubled world.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.              

 Best regards,

Kathryn Mancewicz



#7 distanthearts

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 04:14 AM

Hi Kathryn! I read your query, and sounds like you have a brilliant concept! However, I do feel that you need some more revisions to get the perfect query.

 

The general feel I got was a list of events that is going to happen, which isn't as effective. The magic of a query is that it's meant to give a concise, no-nonsense summary, meant to entice as much as it is to inform. Generally, you have your content here already, but there are things that can be linked better and things that can be cut.

 

Natalia may appear to be an average teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret; a secret that if discovered could get her killed.  (This sentence doesn't do anything except to waste words. A general rule I like to follow is that every single sentence in my query has to be essential to the story.)

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race which was born hundreds of years ago. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. (THIS! This is your hook. Begin with the part where Natalia can wish for anything she desires. Instantly intrigues people.) While most would view such power as amazing (maybe another word, like blessing?), it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. Having fallen into darkness (How and what happened? Just a sentence will do.), the Jamisons are a family that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination (What domination?) they hunger for (Why do they hunger for it?). Once everyone else with the gift is eliminated, the Jamisons will be unstoppable (Why? You've got a lot of content but they're all touch and go. There's very little world building. Elaborate first, make it concise later. You're missing out on a lot of important details).

 

Natalia has managed to remain hidden from the Jamisons until one night she hears a mysterious voice seemingly coming from nowhere (I find that this sentence isn't important. The next sentence is.). Shortly after this encounter, Natalia begins to hear the same voice in dreams which reveal the atrocities of the Jamisons (Elaborate). At first Natalia fears she is going crazy. She soon discovers that she is not in fact crazy, but rather, the voice she is hearing belongs to the powerful being who bestowed the gift upon her ancestors many years ago (Why is this being only talking to her now?). Fearing she may be the only person who can stop the Jamisons (Why will she suddenly feel that she's the only person? Years of hiding, but she only decides to act now?), Natalia must harness her powers, trusting in the strange voice that guides her (Why?), to save a troubled world (How? Why is the world troubled? It's implied, but you need to give a definite answer.).

 

I feel that you're missing the stakes here. Realistically no one will save the world unless they benefit from it. What does Natalia have to lose?

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential (Do you have any comps that you can use?).

 

 

Not a bad start! Just need to revise and revise and soon you will find yourself the perfect query. Keep going, don't give up!

 

If you could help me with my query, I'll be immensely grateful! :)

The Graveyard Festival



#8 jjohnson

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 09:15 AM

Here is in updated query which hopefully gives a bit more of the plot/makes it stand out as being unique and not like every other fantasy story. I would love if anyone is wiling to take the time to give some feedback and thanks again to those who already did!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Natalia may appear to be an average teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret; a secret that if discovered could get her killed. This sentence doesn't really stand out, and as its own paragraph is kind of offputting.

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race which was born hundreds of years ago. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. While most would view such power as amazing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. Having fallen into darkness, the Jamisons are a family that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. Once everyone else with the gift is eliminated (Why are people with the gift a threat to the Jamisons? Are the Jamisons paranoid?), the Jamisons will be unstoppable.

 

Natalia has managed to remain hidden from the Jamisons until one night she hears a mysterious voice seemingly coming from nowhere (There's nothing to indicate that the voice or the following events reveals her location to the Jamisons). Shortly after this encounter, Natalia begins to hear the same voice in dreams which reveal the atrocities of the Jamisons (Is there any atrocity that stands out beyond what she already knows?). At first Natalia fears she is going crazy. She soon discovers that she is not in fact crazy (I think you could nix this little part about not being crazy and just go into the explanation), but rather, the voice she is hearing belongs to the powerful being who bestowed the gift upon her ancestors many years ago. Fearing she may be the only person who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must harness her powers (Is there something special about her powers specifically that can challenge a whole family?), trusting in the strange voice that guides her, to save a troubled (Troubled isn't needed here) world.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.              

 Best regards,

Kathryn Mancewicz

I like the concept. I just think it could be fleshed out a little bit.


Please take a look at my query. Check me out on Facebook.


#9 janeald

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 03:35 PM

Here is in updated query which hopefully gives a bit more of the plot/makes it stand out as being unique and not like every other fantasy story. I would love if anyone is wiling to take the time to give some feedback and thanks again to those who already did!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Natalia may look? appear to be an average teenager, but behind the façade, she harbors a secret; a secret that if discovered could get her killed.

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race which was born hundreds of years ago. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. Ooo interesting. While most would view such power as amazing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. Having fallen into darkness, the Jamisons are a family that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. Once everyone else with the gift is eliminated, the Jamisons will be unstoppable.

 

Natalia has managed to remain hidden from the Jamisons until one night she hears a mysterious voice seemingly coming from nowhere. The following sentence is a little difficult to follow: Shortly after this encounter, Natalia begins to hear the same voice in dreams which reveal the atrocities of the Jamisons. At first Natalia fears she is going crazy. She soon discovers that she is not in fact crazy, but rather, the voice she is hearing belongs to the powerful being who bestowed the gift upon her ancestors many years ago. Fearing she may be the only person who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must harness her powers, trusting in the strange voice that guides her, to save a troubled world.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.              

Best regards (I deleted a space before Best),

Kathryn Mancewicz

This seems like a very interesting plot idea! I think you have all of the important story elements although it could use some trimming. One thing, 56,700 seems a little short for a YA fantasy. I hope my other suggestions are useful!

 

Also, I would love to get your feedback on my latest query: http://agentquerycon...e-2#entry341450



#10 Cengel

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 05:24 PM

Hey kmanz! 

 

I like your concept. I think you need to lay out the central conflict a little more, though. A query needs to hook the audience. It should lay out the premise: who your protagonist is, what she wants, and what is stopping her from getting what she wants. I made suggested revisions below - I hope some of them are helpful!

 

Here is in updated query which hopefully gives a bit more of the plot/makes it stand out as being unique and not like every other fantasy story. I would love if anyone is wiling to take the time to give some feedback and thanks again to those who already did!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Natalia may appear to be an average teenager, but behind the façade she harbors a secret; a secret that if discovered could get her killed. I agree with distanthearts. This doesn't add anything to the story. 

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race which was born hundreds of years ago. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. Nice! I think the last two sentences are a great place to start the query. While most would view such power as amazing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the JamisonsI think this phrasing needs some reworking. Maybe something along the lines of "She must hide her powers. though, because if they Jamisons discover her, they will ___ (insert whatever will happen)."  Having fallen into darkness this is too vague, the Jamisons are a family that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for also too vague. Once everyone else with the gift is eliminated, the Jamisons will be unstoppable. How many Jamisons are there versus other people with the gift? It seems a little odd that one family is this powerful - do they have people working for them or are they in charge of the world/continent/whatever setting we are in?

 

Natalia has managesd (try to stay in present tense in the query) to remain hidden from the Jamisons until one night she hears a mysterious voice seemingly coming from nowhere. Shortly after this encounter, Natalia begins to hear the same voice in her dreams which reveals the atrocities of the Jamisons (what attrocities? But cutting down on the wordiness in other places like in the sentences above, I think you'll have more room to be specific). At first Natalia fears she is going crazy. She soon discovers that she is not in fact crazy, but rather, the voice she is hearing belongs to the powerful being who bestowed the gift upon her ancestors many years ago. Fearing she may be the only person who can stop the Jamisons, Natalia must harness her powers, trusting in the strange voice that guides her, to save a troubled world.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.              

 Best regards,

Kathryn Mancewicz

 

Overall, I think you've got the bones of the query in place, you just need to work on adding more specific details and tightening up some of the language. Good job so far! I hope my suggestions help. I would love if you would critique my query in return :)


Please take a look at my query.


#11 kmanz

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 08:11 PM

Cengel, thanks so much for your feedback and encouragement. I returned comments on your query. Take them for what you will given my limited query experience :)



#12 kmanz

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 08:24 PM

Janeald, returned feedback on your query. Thank you so much for taking time to give me some suggestions! I appreciate it!



#13 kmanz

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 08:38 PM

Distanthearts. Thanks for your feedback. I returned the favor and hope it was helpful for you.



#14 kmanz

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 08:48 PM

Jjohnson, thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate your time. I returned the favor on your query so hopefully some of my comments are helpful for you! Best!



#15 kmanz

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 10:46 PM

Most updated version in #18. Thanks to everyone who has already comment. I truly appreciate all your help and feedback! I'm happy to return the favor of query review if you leave your link with your response :)

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires.

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons are a family that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. For years they systematically eliminate other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only pure-of-heart gifted individual remaining. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control of the world, but if she falls, the world falls.  

 

Natalia manages to remain hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, which belongs to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia is brought face to face with a defenseless child about to be murdered at the hands of her enemies. Not realizing she has such an ability, Natalia accidentally uses her powers in an attempt to save the child, but it is too late, and now, the Jamisons know she exists. Fortunately for Natalia, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide her in her fight against evil, and with this advantage, she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.          

   

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz



#16 CS29

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 04:26 AM

Hi Kathryn! I really like the premise of your query so I thought I'd throw my two sense in. For whatever it's worth.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability (power?) to wish for nearly anything she desires.

 

While most would view such power this as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia, it feels more like a curse. who She lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons, The Jamisons are a family who that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. For years they have systematically eliminated other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only pure-of-heart gifted individual remaining. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control of the world, but if she falls, the world falls.  

 

Natalia manages to remain hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, which belongs belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia is brought face to face with a defenseless child about to be murdered at the hands of her enemies. Not realizing she has such an the ability, Natalia accidentally uses her powers in an attempt to save the child, but it is too late, and now the Jamisons know she exists. Fortunately for Natalia, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide guiding her in her fight against evil, and with this advantage, she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.     

   

Best regards,

 

 

Hopefully, none of that seemed too nit-picky. Most of your query is really good, some of the ordering and word choice could be improved to make it flow better. Good luck!



#17 Erevos

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Posted 23 June 2017 - 07:11 AM

Hello there kmanz!!

Really interesting story! I wonder though, if she has the power to wish for anything she desires, why can't she wish for the Jamisons' death? So, there has to be a limit to what she can wish for, right?

 

Here is version number 3. Thanks to everyone who has already comment. I truly appreciate all your help and feedback! I'm happy to return the favor of query review if you leave your link with your response :)

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. Great hook! Nothing bad here.

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons are a family that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. For years they systematically eliminate other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. I think you can shorten these 3 sentences. Perhaps something like: "This power her race considers a blessing is only a curse for Natalia, however. The Jamisons, a family after world domination, keeps murdering Natalia's race and stealing their powers. (Wait, does that mean that they can wish for anything too?) Now, Natalia fears she may be the only pure-of-heart gifted individual Hm, try and rework this a bit? pure-of-heart gifted individual reads kind of weird. remaining. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control of the world, but if she falls, the world falls.  Interesting! I wonder why!

 

Natalia manages to remain hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, which belongs belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia is brought face to face with a defenseless child about to be murdered at the hands of her enemies. Not realizing she has such an ability, Natalia accidentally uses her powers in an attempt to save the child, but it is too late, and now, the Jamisons know she exists. Ok, wait a second. She saw the ancient being in her dream, and as she tried to save a child she revealed her presence to the Jamisons? How is the being, the dream of the child, and the Jamisons connected? I think this bit needs some clarification. Fortunately for Natalia, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide her in her fight against evil, and with this advantage, she just might stand a chance. You can reword this if you like. "Blessed with an ancient power and the voice guiding her, Natalia might finally stand a chance against the Jamisons." Soooooomething like that.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.          

   

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz

Overall I think you are really close! A bit of polishing and then comes the hard part of drawing in a big breath and pressing "SEND".


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#18 kmanz

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 09:08 PM

Most updated version  found in #22.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires.

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, is systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only person who can stop them. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls.  

 

Natalia manages to remain hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia is brought face to face with a defenseless child who, at that very moment, is about to be murdered at the hands of her enemies. Not realizing she has the ability, Natalia uses her powers in an attempt to wish for the child’s safety, but it is too late. Now, having seen her powers attempting to counteract their own, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Fortunately for Natalia, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide her in her fight against evil, and with this advantage, she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.          

   

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz



#19 kmanz

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 09:11 PM

 

Hi Kathryn! I really like the premise of your query so I thought I'd throw my two sense in. For whatever it's worth.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability (power?) to wish for nearly anything she desires.

 

While most would view such power this as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia, it feels more like a curse. who She lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons, The Jamisons are a family who that uses their powers to murder anyone who stands between them and the domination they hunger for. For years they have systematically eliminated other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only pure-of-heart gifted individual remaining. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control of the world, but if she falls, the world falls.  

 

Natalia manages to remain hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, which belongs belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia is brought face to face with a defenseless child about to be murdered at the hands of her enemies. Not realizing she has such an the ability, Natalia accidentally uses her powers in an attempt to save the child, but it is too late, and now the Jamisons know she exists. Fortunately for Natalia, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide guiding her in her fight against evil, and with this advantage, she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.     

   

Best regards,

 

 

Hopefully, none of that seemed too nit-picky. Most of your query is really good, some of the ordering and word choice could be improved to make it flow better. Good luck!

 

CS29 thanks so much for your tips! I took them into account and hopefully the changes are effective. Thanks for the encouragement as well :)



#20 Sataris

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 11:01 PM

Most updated version with a few tweaks.

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race.

 

Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia, who lives in constant fear of discovery. by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, is are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only person who can stop them. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls.  

 

I like this above paragraph. It follows a good hook, and it's concise.

 

Natalia manages to remain hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia is brought face to face with a defenseless child who, at that very moment, is about to be murdered at the hands of her enemies. Not realizing she has the abilityThis tripped me up a bit; does she not realize she has the wishing power, or that she has the voice? I'm pretty sure it's the voice, but still, Natalia uses her powers in an attempt to wish for the child’s safety, but it is too late. Now, having seen her powers attempting to counteract their own, the Jamisons know she exists I assumed they already knew she existed because she was afraid of them discovering her in that first paragraph and will stop at nothing to find her. Fortunately for Natalia, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide her in her fight against evil, and with this advantage, she just might stand a chance.

 

It seems like this whole paragraph exists to set up the voice and the fact that she's been discovered; could you say something like: but the stakes are raised when the Jamisons discover her hiding place. But if MC can learn to listen to the strange voice that's intruding on her dreams, she just might have a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), my debut novel, is a young adult fantasy standalone novel? complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.          

   

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz

Definite improvement over your last versions. Nicely done!


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