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Title Pending (YA Fantasy)

Fiction Adventure Fantasy Young Adult

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#21 kmanz

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 11:28 PM

Definite improvement over your last versions. Nicely done!

Sataris, thanks so much for your comments. There were definitely a few confusing parts which I hope are now clarified. Thanks for bringing those to my attention!



#22 kmanz

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Posted 24 June 2017 - 11:29 PM

Most recent version is in #24. I will return all feedback!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires.

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only person who can stop them. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls.  

 

Natalia manages to keep her existence hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia is brought face to face with a defenseless child who is about to be murdered at the hands of her enemies. Not realizing the connection between her dreams and reality or the impact her decision might have on both, Natalia wishes for the child’s safety, but it is too late. Now, having seen her powers attempting to counteract their own, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Although Natalia appears outmatched, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide her and with this advantage she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING) is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.   

          

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz



#23 Nonicks

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Posted 25 June 2017 - 02:33 AM

Most recent version here. Will return feedback!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. - I erased this sentence because it's too vague, even though the race is explained in the next sentence. But who said I want to read the next one if the first sentence didn't hook me? Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. - I'd start with "Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires". 

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race (and here I'd explain that she's actually a part of a dying race), stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only person who can stop them. - why is she scared to stop them?  As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls.  

 

Natalia manages to keep her existence hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia is brought face to face with a defenseless child who is about to be murdered at the hands of her enemies. Not realizing the connection between her dreams and reality or the impact her decision might have on both, Natalia wishes for the child’s safety, but it is too late. - this is an example of her powers. I'm actually disappointed, I thought she will do something cooler... do you have maybe another example? I don't know, this might be just me. :-/ Now, having seen her powers attempting to counteract their own, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Although Natalia appears outmatched, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide her and with this advantage she just might stand a chance. 

 

(TITLE PENDING) is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 56,700 - I think 57,000 looks better :)words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.   

          

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz



#24 kmanz

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 06:19 PM

Thanks to everyone who has already offered feedback. I am feeling like I am getting close to having a finished product. It seems like you could edit forever. How did you know your query was ready to go? Here is my most updated version.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires.

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only person who can stop them. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls. 

 

In order to further hone her powers, Natalia keeps her existence hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia watches in horror as poisonous black mist slinks from the Jamisons’ hands to choke the life out of the small child standing before them. Natalia, not realizing the connection between her dreams and reality or the impact her decision might have on both, hastily casts a defensive orb around the child. Her shield holds for only a moment before being penetrated by the darkness, and the child falls.

 

Now, having seen her powers, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Although Natalia appears outmatched, she has an ancient power, the voice, to guide her and with this advantage she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 57,000 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.         

    

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz



#25 Cengel

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 06:51 PM

Thanks to everyone who has already offered feedback. I am feeling like I am getting close to having a finished product. It seems like you could edit forever. How did you know your query was ready to go? Here is my most updated version.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen is one of the last members of a dying race. Like her ancestors, Natalia has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. I don't feel like the the part about being a member of a dying race works super well as a hook. I sounds more generic than what follows: that she has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. That grabs me a lot more and makes me want to keep reading. I think you should lead with that, especially since we later learn that her race is dying out. 

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia fears she may be the only person who can stop them standing in their way. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls. 

 

In order to further hone her powers, Natalia keeps her existence hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia watches in horror as poisonous black mist slinks from the Jamisons’ hands to choke the life out of the small child standing before them. Natalia, not realizing the connection between her dreams and reality or the impact her decision might have on both, I think the bit I bolded could maybe use a little reworking to make it more concise hastily casts a defensive orb around the child. Her shield holds for only a moment before being penetrated by the darkness, and the child fallsThis is nit-picky, but your query has gotten to the point where it's mostly small edits. I think you might use a word other than falls. since it's used twice in the last sentence of the previous paragraph.

 

Now, having seen her powers, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Although Natalia appears outmatched, she has an ancient power, the voice, the ancient being to guide herand. With this advantage, she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 57,000 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce. Side note - I love Tamora Pierce :)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.         

    

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz

 

Thanks for looking at my query! I think you're getting close. This is much improved from the earlier version I critiqued. I do think there are still a couple small tweaks that could make it even stronger.

 

If you would look at my newest draft, I would really appreciate it.


Please take a look at my query.


#26 kmanz

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 09:32 PM

Updated again!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires.

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia may be the only person standing in their way. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls. 

 

In order to further hone her powers, Natalia keeps her existence hidden from the Jamisons until a strange voice, belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia watches in horror as poisonous black mist slinks from the Jamisons’ hands to choke the life out of a small child. Natalia, not realizing her actions in the dream will change reality, hastily casts a defensive orb around the child. Her shield holds for only a moment before being penetrated by the darkness, and the child is killed.

 

Now, having seen her magic, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Although Natalia appears outmatched, she has an ancient being to guide her. With this advantage she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 57,000 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.           

  

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz



#27 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 09:42 PM

This is good. But I don't think "appear" is the right word for the voice. Might be better to go with something simple, for example, "Natalia begins hearing a voice in her dreams..."

My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

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#28 Cengel

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 07:53 PM

Updated again!

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires. I think your hook is there now. It's concise and draws me in. Nice job :)

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia may be the only person standing in their way. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls. I'm glad that you clarified why she is the only one in the way. 

 

In order to further hone her powers, I'm not sure that this is necessary. In the paragraph above, it seems like she's keeping her existence a secret to stay alive. Natalia keeps her existence hidden from the Jamisons until she hears the voice of the being who gifted ancestors in her dreams. (suggesting this because I think it's a little more active and also because you us the wod appears below, in the last paragraph) a strange voice, belonging to the being who gifted her ancestors, appears in her dreams. In the dream realm, Natalia watches in horror as poisonous black mist slinks from the Jamisons’ hands to choke the life out of a small child. Natalia, not realizing her actions in the dream will change reality, hastily casts a defensive orb around the child. Her shield holds for only a moment before being penetrated by the darkness, and the child is killed.

 

Now, having seen her magic, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Although Natalia appears outmatched, she has an ancient being to guide her. With this advantage she just might stand a chance.

 

(TITLE PENDING), is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 57,000 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.           

  

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz

Kathryn,

 

I think you're pretty much there! This is a major improvement from your previous drafts. Good job! The only thing I don't get from the query is a feel for Natalia as a character. Still, I would want to read based on the plot. If you can add some details, even if they're small, about Natalia, I think that might take it from good to great.


Please take a look at my query.


#29 kmanz

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 08:59 PM

Thanks for the comments! I added a bit about Natalia in the final paragraph of the description. Would love to hear if that is effective in giving you a little more information or if it sounds to cliche.

Kathryn,

 

I think you're pretty much there! This is a major improvement from your previous drafts. Good job! The only thing I don't get from the query is a feel for Natalia as a character. Still, I would want to read based on the plot. If you can add some details, even if they're small, about Natalia, I think that might take it from good to great.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires.

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who hungers for domination, are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia may be the only person standing in their way. As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls. 

 

Natalia keeps her existence hidden from the Jamisons until she hears the voice of the being who gifted her ancestors in her dreams. Brought to the dream realm by this force, Natalia watches in horror as poisonous black mist slinks from the Jamisons’ hands to choke the life out of a small child. Natalia, not realizing her actions in the dream will change reality, hastily casts a defensive orb around the child. Her shield holds for only a moment before being penetrated by the darkness, and the child is killed.

 

Now, having seen her magic, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Although Natalia appears outmatched, she refuses to give up. Her quick thinking and creativity, along with the ancient being to guide her, may prove to be just what Natalia needs to stand a chance.

 

THE WISHERS is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 59,000 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to the prospect of working with you.             

Best regards,

 

Kathryn Mancewicz



#30 jaustail

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 02:16 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Eighteen-year-old Natalia Landen has the ability to wish for nearly anything she desires(we all have the ability to wish. Does Natalie have the ability to make her wishes come true through magic?).

 

While most would view such power as a blessing, it feels more like a curse for Natalia who lives in constant fear of discovery by the Jamisons. The Jamisons, a family who(maybe 'that' I'm not sure) hungers for domination, are systematically eliminating other members of the gifted race, stealing their powers as they do so. Now, Natalia may be the only person standing in their way(she doesn't seem a tough opponent since the Jamisons eliminated others easily). As long as she lives, the Jamisons are unable to “wish” themselves into complete control, but if she falls, the world falls. 

 

Natalia keeps her existence hidden from the Jamisons (how?) until she hears the voice of the being who gifted her ancestors in her dreams(how about rephrase with something like: Until her dreams get filled with voices of...). Brought to the dream realm by this force, Natalia watches in horror as poisonous black mist slinks from the Jamisons’ hands to choke the life out of a small child. Natalia, not realizing her actions in the dream will change reality, hastily casts a defensive orb around the child. Her shield holds for only a moment before being penetrated by the darkness, and the child is killed(maybe put this in active voice. what/who kills the child? what or who does Natalia see kill the child?).

 

Now, having seen her magic, the Jamisons know she exists and will stop at nothing to find her. Although Natalia appears outmatched, she refuses to give up. Her quick thinking and creativity, along with the ancient being to guide her, may prove to be just what Natalia needs to stand a chance.

 

THE WISHERS is a young adult fantasy complete at approximately 59,000 words with series potential. This book may appeal to fans of Divergent by Veronica Roth or Trickster’s Choice by Tamora Pierce.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request(this is implied so don't put this. jmo). I look forward to the prospect of (avoid fillers)working with you.             

Best regards,

 

JMO. I had to read the query a few times. The big concern was I didn't get much idea of Natalie's ability. Can she wish like for material objects or can she wish to stop time? What does each wish coming true cost her?


Query: WALL OF ICE

(Space Opera)

Revised version: Link






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