Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

REVISED: Misadventure (romance) Will return all critiques!


  • Please log in to reply
15 replies to this topic

#1 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 27 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 21 June 2017 - 04:11 AM

Hello! 

 

I would really appreciate all of your feedback!  I will happily return the favor.  The newest revision is in post #15.  Thank you so much! 

 

Dear Ms. Whomever:

Late one night, two strangers met on a rooftop.  It was not an illicit rendezvous; they were both there to jump.  Pip got there first. She stood on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off.  That’s the first time Clark lays eyes on her, her silhouette on the ledge where his should be. He takes his place on the edge beside her. In an uncharacteristic fit of gallantry, he surprises the both of them by pulling her back from the brink. At the end of the night, the two strangers part ways. Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up trashed and praying to the porcelain goddess. When Pip stumbles onto him, she sees the chance to start repaying her debt with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins that night and carries on. Party after party, night after night, a slightly different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark.  After all, she owes him for pulling her back.

 

Until the night she can’t save him anymore.  She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences.  Suddenly, Clark’s failsafe, the one thing he can count on is the one in need of a safety net.  Despite being the absolute last person in the world Pip wants to see at the bottom of this rock bottom low, Clark patches her up and sees her home. This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light.  Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker.  Together, they start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving.  And maybe they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean.  

 

The dark romance novel, Misadventure, (82,960 words) is the first complete book of the Decadent Gravity series.  Iron Tears and Ensnares, books two and three respectively are complete while Rage and Fury, book four, is in progress.   I’ve followed your submission guidelines and included_____________, and would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.  

Sincerely,

 

Me

 



#2 ashleighm71

ashleighm71

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 21 June 2017 - 09:37 AM



Hello! 

 

I would really appreciate all of your feedback!  I will happily return the favor.  

 

Dear Ms. Whomever:

Late one night, two strangers met on a rooftop.  It was not an illicit rendezvous; they were both there to jump.  Pip got there first. She stood on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off.  That’s the first time Clark saw her, her silhouette on the ledge where his should be. He takes his place on the edge beside her. Instead of stepping off together, he pulls her back from the brink. At the end of the night, the two strangers part ways. Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up praying to the porcelain goddess, [I'd like to know what about the porcelain goddess is significant. It seems a little out of place]and when Pip finds him, she  is there with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins. Party after party, night after night, a slightly different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark.  After all, she owes him for pulling her back.  [So Clark no longer looks after her?]

 

Until the night she can’t do it save him anymore.  She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences. [I think you should mention that Pip has a problem with alcohol] And the one who should be off redecorating someone’s front lawn in shades of vomit is the only person there to take care of Pip when she needs it.  ​[This sentence is a little confusing; I would revise] This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light.  Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker.  Together, they start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving.  And maybe they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean.  

 

The dark romance novel, Misadventure, (82,960 words) is the first complete book of the Decadent Gravity series.  Iron Tears and Ensnares, books two and three respectively are complete while Rage and Fury, book four, is in progress.   I’ve followed your submission guidelines and included_____________, and would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.  

Sincerely,

 

 Me

I find the subject matter interesting. However, the second paragraph needs some reworking. As a reader, so parts I did not understand. Maybe you need a little more context, but I also don't want to tell you to make your query longer. It's already at a good length. Oh, and just as a heads up, watch out for spacing between your sentences. Some look double spaced but perhaps that's because the formatting changed when you pasted it. 

 

Please take a look at my query! http://agentquerycon...urn-critiques/ 



#3 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 27 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 22 June 2017 - 04:40 AM

I find the subject matter interesting. However, the second paragraph needs some reworking. As a reader, so parts I did not understand. Maybe you need a little more context, but I also don't want to tell you to make your query longer. It's already at a good length. Oh, and just as a heads up, watch out for spacing between your sentences. Some look double spaced but perhaps that's because the formatting changed when you pasted it. 

 

Please take a look at my query! http://agentquerycon...urn-critiques/ 

 

Thank you so much for replying!  To address a couple of your notes: #1: no, Clark doesn't keep taking care of her.  The night on the roof was a one off.  #2: Pip doesn't have a continuous problem with alcohol.  She just gets WAY out of hand on that one night.  But I did fix that weird sentence there, so I hope it's better.  I'm glad you thought it was interesting and that my edits helped give a little more context.  

 

Thanks again!



#4 Robin LeeAnn

Robin LeeAnn

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 130 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 22 June 2017 - 11:39 PM

Late one night, two strangers met on a rooftop. (That's not really a hook sentence. Create a sentence that's so interesting and compelling that the agent will have no choice but to read on.)  It was not an illicit rendezvous; they were both there to jump. How about: "Two strangers stood on top of a roof, ready to jump off together." (Also, if they're strangers? How did they meet?) Also, isolate your hook sentence from the rest of the query. 

 

Pip got there first. She stood on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off.  That’s the first time Clark saw her. Her silhouette on the ledge is where he should be. (He sounds a bit jealous.) He takes his place on the edge beside her. In an uncharacteristic fit of gallantry, He surprises the both of them by pulling her back from the brink. (Why did he pull her back? Just to take her place?) At the end of the night, the two strangers part ways. Wait. What? What made them not jump? What happened?

 

Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up trashed and praying to the porcelain goddess. When Pip stumbles onto him, she sees the chance to start repaying her debt with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins that night and carries on. Party after party, night after night, a slightly different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark.  After all, she owes him for pulling her back. This starts to dull out here. What is the plot here? What's going to stop them? I feel like this paragraph is at a standstill. There's nothing momentous here to push the plot forward. 

 

Until the night she can’t save him anymore. (Why not?) She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences. These two sentences are vague. What bottle? What turn? What bad choices? What consequences? - Explain everything that's going on.

 

Suddenly, Clark’s failsafe, the one thing he can count on, is the one in need of a safety net. Despite being the absolute last person in the world Pip wants to see at the bottom of this rock bottom low, Clark patches her up and sees her home. (You use a lot of filler words. You have a limited amount of space to make this query perfect. Don't fill it up with filler words. Get it done with the least amount of words possible.) This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light. (How?) Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. (I haven't seen any characteristics about them like that before.) Together, they start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving.  (Sounds interesting.) And maybe they realize that they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean.  

 

The dark romance novel, Misadventure (Capital letters, not italics.)is completed with 82,960 words. It is the first complete book of the Decadent Gravity series.  Iron Tears and Ensnares,books two and three respectively are complete while Rage and Fury, book four, is in progress.    (They agent doesn't need to know that.) I’ve followed your submission guidelines and included_____________, and would love the chance to send you my manuscript upon your request.  

 

My major critique is to follow up with ONE story. Here, it seems like you're telling two stories. Story one: Two kids about to jump. Story two: Something bad apparently happened that messes one of them up... But I don't really know the plot of this side of the story. You tell everything about it vaguely.

 

Focus on the second story. Perhaps mention them almost jumping, but the main core of the story seems to be after they don't jump. Spell out that whole plot. Write too much about it. Get it all flushed out, so then you can (or, if you post to this site, us) go back and take out what is not needed. Try to explain everything out fully.



#5 Faegheh

Faegheh

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 51 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAsia

Posted 25 June 2017 - 04:27 AM

Hello! 

 

I would really appreciate all of your feedback!  I will happily return the favor.  

 

Dear Ms. Whomever:

Late one night, two strangers met on a rooftop.  It was not an illicit rendezvous; they were both there to jump.  Pip got there first. She stood on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off.  That’s the first time Clark lays eyes on her, her silhouette on the ledge where his should be. He takes his place on the edge beside her. In an uncharacteristic fit of gallantry, he surprises the both of them by pulling her back from the brink. At the end of the night, the two strangers part ways. Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up trashed and praying to the porcelain goddess. When Pip stumbles onto him, she sees the chance to start repaying her debt with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins that night and carries on. Party after party, night after night, a slightly different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark.  After all, she owes him for pulling her back. (I've read the whole paragraph and still don't know who your MC is. And why they wanted to jump? Maybe give us a hint.)

 

Until the night she can’t save him anymore.  She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences.  Suddenly, Clark’s failsafe, the one thing he can count on is the one in need of a safety net.  Despite being the absolute last person in the world Pip wants to see at the bottom of this rock bottom low, Clark patches her up and sees her home. This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light.  Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker.  Together, they start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving.  And maybe they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean. 

( I understand your plot, and it's actually interesting but I believe you need to add more details in some places. What are Pip's bad choices? Why she starts making bad choices? And the last 2 sentences are vague. You need to add to drama a little bit.)

 

The dark romance novel, Misadventure, (82,960 words) (I think it's better to round the number, it's either 82000 or 83000.) is the first complete book of the Decadent Gravity series.  Iron Tears and Ensnares, books two and three respectively are complete while Rage and Fury, book four, is in progress.   I’ve followed your submission guidelines and included_____________, and would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.  

Sincerely,

 

Me

 

Overall it's an interesting concept and I'm sure you can get it right. It gets 3 or 4 drafts to find the right direction to write it. 

I'd appreciate if you check my query: The Timekeeper



#6 Vio Liddell

Vio Liddell

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 62 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:"Les Agonies de l'Innocence" (Tabou Editions, June 2013). Novellas. Dark erotica/horror.

Posted 25 June 2017 - 06:27 AM

 

Dear Ms. Whomever:

 

Late One night, two strangers meet on a rooftop. It is not an illicit rendezvous--they are both there to jump. Here is your hook. Separate it from the rest of the synopsis. Also, keep to present tense.

 

Pip got there first. She stands on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off. That’s the first time Clark lays eyes on her. her silhouette on the ledge where his should be. He takes his place on the edge beside her. In an uncharacteristic fit of gallantry, he surprises the both of them by pulls her back from the brink. At the end of the night, the two of them part ways. I feel like there is an ellipsis here. Because of the phrasing "at the end of the night". Did something happen before they part ways? Why did they finally decide not to jump? Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up trashed and praying to the porcelain goddess (haha, love this). When Pip stumbles onto him, she sees the chance to start repaying her debt with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins that night and carries on: party after party, night after night, a slightly different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark. After all, she owes him for pulling her back.

 

Until the night she can’t save him anymore. She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences. This is an interesting shift, but it needs to be more clear. Why did Pip suddenly take her turn? What are her bad choices and their consequences? You don't have to explain everything in detail, but at least give us an idea. Suddenly, Clark’s failsafe (rescuer?), the one thing he can count on (comma here), is the one in need of a safety net. Despite being the absolute last person in the world Pip wants to see at the bottom of this rock bottom low (a bit confusing), Clark patches her up and meets her home. This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light. Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. Nice. They start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving. And if they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean.

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first complete book of the DECADENT GRAVITY series. Iron Tears and Ensnares, books two and three respectively are complete while Rage and Fury, book four, is in progressI've heard that mentioning a series from the outset is off-putting to agents... Not sure if it's really the case though. As per your submission guidelines, I've included_____________. would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me

 

 

Hi! I tried to trim it down because I thought this was quite lengthy. You must keep it concise. Overall I think you have a compelling idea for a suspenseful/dark romance! I love the premise (two strangers meeting on a rooftop, ready to jump).

 

I'd love your feedback on my query too: http://agentquerycon...fantasy-rev-30/

 

Good luck!



#7 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 27 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 26 June 2017 - 02:01 AM

Hi! I tried to trim it down because I thought this was quite lengthy. You must keep it concise. Overall I think you have a compelling idea for a suspenseful/dark romance! I love the premise (two strangers meeting on a rooftop, ready to jump).

 

I'd love your feedback on my query too: http://agentquerycon...fantasy-rev-30/

 

Good luck!

 

Hey! So what do you think of this? 

 

One night, two strangers coincidentally meet on a rooftop. It is not an illicit rendezvous--they are both there to jump.

 

Pip got there first. She stands on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off. That’s the first time Clark lays eyes on her. her silhouette on the ledge where his should be. Seeing someone else prepared to take the jump makes him question his own conviction. He takes his place on the edge beside her and in an uncharacteristic fit of gallantry, he surprises the both of them by pulls her back from the brink. The two of them part ways. Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up trashed and praying to the porcelain goddess. When Pip stumbles onto him, she sees the chance to start repaying her debt with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins that night and carries on: party after party, night after night, a slightly different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark. After all, she owes him for pulling her back.

 

Until the pressure overwhelms her one night and she can’t save him anymore. She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences that begin with a drug dealer and end with a fair amount of blood.. Suddenly, Clark’s failsafe rescuer, the one thing he can count on, is the one in need of a safety net. Despite being the absolute last person in the world Pip wants to see her bleeding on someone else’s bathroom floor, Clark patches her up and takes her home. This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light. Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. They start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving. And if they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean.

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first complete book of the DECADENT GRAVITY series.  Books two and three respectively are complete while book four is in progress. As per your submission guidelines, I've included_____________. would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.

 

Sincerely,

 
Me


#8 Daisy

Daisy

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 114 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationCanada

Posted 26 June 2017 - 07:07 AM

Hey!  I like this.  I think it just needs some tightening up. 

 

 

 

 

One night, two strangers coincidentally Try not to use adverbs unless it changes the meaning of the sentence.  He's dead vs he's nearly dead. Nine times out of ten if you use an adverb, it's a sign you need a stronger verb. My editor only lets me use a handful in an entire manuscript. You don't need "coincidently" here. In fact, it's stronger without it. meet on a rooftop. It is not an illicit rendezvous--they are both there to jump.

 

Pip got there first. She stands on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off.  You don't need to point out she got there first.  It's implied in the next sentence, making this redundant.

 

That’s the first time Clark lays eyes on her. her silhouette on the ledge where his should be. Seeing someone else prepared to take the jump makes him question his own conviction. Try to tighten this up some more. Starting the sentence off with "That's the..." isn't strong enough.  You want your query to WOW.

 

Something like:

 

Pip stands on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off, when Clark lays eyes on her...

 

 

 

He takes his place on the edge beside her and in an uncharacteristic fit of gallantry, he surprises the both of them by pulls her back from the brink. The two of them part ways. This has the potential to be a WOW sentence, but it's lackluster. You want it to sound more exciting. You want to build and build on the query to pull me in but it falls flat here.  Fiddle with the wording a bit more to lure me in. You have the potential to make me more curious about Clark here.  

 

 

 

Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up trashed and praying to the porcelain goddess. This is a cliché.  Reword it so it sounds stronger. You don't want any clichés in your manuscript, let alone in your query. When Pip stumbles onto him, she sees the chance to start repaying her debt with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins that night and carries on: party after party, night after night, a slightly kill your adverbs different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark. After all, she owes him for pulling her back.  You're not sucking me in on the romance front. Make me like Clark. Show me some of his personality. 

 

Until the pressure overwhelms her one night and she can’t save him anymore. She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences that begin with a drug dealer and end with a fair amount of blood.. Play with the wording here a bit more. It's a bit sloppy to read and vague at the end. You want to be short and snappy and reeling me in here.

 

 

Suddenly, Clark’s failsafe rescuer, the one thing   person he can count on, is the one in need of a safety net.Can you think of a better word than "safety net"? 

 

Despite being the absolute last person in the world Pip wants to see her bleeding on someone else’s bathroom floor, Clark patches her up and takes her home. The wording here needs to be tweaked. It doesn't flow nicely and needs some tightening up.

 

This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light. Lose unnecessary words. Also, "Seeing each other in a new light" is sort of cliché, which is a sign of lazy writing.  Try and think of another way to say that.

 

Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. They start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving. And if they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean.

 

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first complete book of the DECADENT GRAVITY series.  Books two and three respectively are complete while book four is in progress. As per your submission guidelines, I've included_____________. would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.

 

Sincerely,

 
Me

 

 

 

 

Hope that helps!  Good luck.  :smile: 



#9 Vio Liddell

Vio Liddell

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 62 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:"Les Agonies de l'Innocence" (Tabou Editions, June 2013). Novellas. Dark erotica/horror.

Posted 11 July 2017 - 05:23 PM

 

Hey! So what do you think of this? 

 

One night, two strangers coincidentally meet on a rooftop. It is not an illicit rendezvous--they are both there to jump.

 

Pip got there first. She stands on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off. That’s the first time Clark lays eyes on her. her silhouette on the ledge where his should be. Seeing someone else prepared to take the jump makes him question his own conviction. He takes his place on the edge beside her and In an uncharacteristic fit of gallantry, he surprises the both of them by pulls her back from the brink. The two of them part ways.

 

Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up trashed and praying to the porcelain goddess. When Pip stumbles onto him, she sees the chance to start repaying her debt with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins that night and carries on: party after party, night after night, a slightly different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark. After all, she owes him for pulling her back.

 

Until the pressure overwhelms her one night and she can’t save him anymore. She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences that begin with a drug dealer and end with a fair amount of blood (that's interesting, but you should reword. I kind of agree with Daisy that it's a bit sloppy to read). Suddenly, Clark’s failsafe rescuer the one thing he can count on, is the one in need of a safety net. He's the absolute last witness in the world Pip wants to her bleeding on someone else’s bathroom floor (I don't actually know if my suggestion is correct, lol, but go for something clearer and smoother to read here), yet Clark patches her up and takes her home. This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light. Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. They start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving. And if they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean.

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first complete book of the DECADENT GRAVITY series. Books two and three respectively are complete while book four is in progress. As per your submission guidelines, I've included_____________. would love the chance to send you my work upon your request.

 

Sincerely,

 
Me

 

 

I've updated my own query if you want to take a look! http://agentquerycon...fantasy-rev-36/



#10 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 27 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 11 July 2017 - 10:17 PM

Thank you both for your critiques!  I'm working on a revised version now.  I appreciate your time!  Let me know if I can further help you guys out.    



#11 jaustail

jaustail

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 430 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Foliate Oak Literary Magazine, Literary Orphans Magazine.

Posted 11 July 2017 - 10:56 PM

It's interesting and a smooth read.

 

 

One night, two strangers coincidentally meet on a rooftop. It is not an illicit rendezvous--they are both there to jump.

 

Pip got there first. She stands on the edge, waiting for the right moment to step off. That’s the first time Clark lays eyes on her. her silhouette on the ledge where his should be. Seeing someone else prepared to take the jump makes him question his own conviction. He takes his place on the edge beside her and(maybe comma) in an uncharacteristic fit of gallantry, he surprises the both of them by pulls(pulling) her back from the brink. The two of them(maybe remove 'of them') part ways. Six months later, they meet again at a party. Clark winds up trashed and praying to the porcelain goddess. When Pip stumbles onto him, she sees the chance to start repaying her debt with a wet rag and a soothing word. A pattern begins that night and carries on: party after party, night after night, a slightly different version plays out but the end result is the same. Pip is always there to look after Clark. After all, she owes him for pulling her back.

 

Until the pressure overwhelms her one night and she can’t save him anymore. She takes her turn at the other end of the bottle, her turn with bad choices and even worse consequences that begin with a drug dealer and end with a fair amount of blood..(remove the extra full stop) Suddenly, Clark’s failsafe rescuer, the one thing he can count on, is the one in need of a safety net. Despite being the absolute last person in the world Pip wants to see her bleeding on someone else’s bathroom floor(I'd reword this part. Maybe cut it down by a few words), Clark patches her up and takes her home. This strange reversal leaves the both of them seeing each other in a new light. Neither of them can deny that Clark is more than just the blustering, arrogant pleasure seeker, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. They start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving. And if they can help each other figure out just what ‘more’ might mean.

 

 

It's an easy read. The characters look well-defined. I'd request pages if I were the agent.



#12 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 27 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 16 July 2017 - 08:07 AM

Thank you for such a lovely compliment, jaustail! So I took the feedback from the three of you and rewrote the letter.  What do you guys think? 

 

Pip and Clark have exactly one thing in common; the rooftop they almost jump from. 

 

Pip's silhouette already stands on the ledge when Clark charges across the rooftop, determined to take his leap. The sight of her makes him question his own conviction.  Neither of them speak; she watches the flow of traffic, he watches her. Eventually, their hands knot together and when Clark steps back off the ledge, she allows him to draw her down with him.  

 

It's a descent that doesn't stop once it starts. We all have our demons to fight: Pip's are habitual self-harm, anxiety, and the need to save everyone to her own detriment. Clark's demons are various versions of himself; his ability to dissociate from  himself, his arrogance, and his blatant disregard for his own safety. That last keeps Pip and Clark crashing back into one another, party after party. When he finds himself praying to the porcelain goddess or otherwise wounded and in need of tending, Pip repays that rooftop debt with a cool rag and a few soft words or a verbal ass-kicking depending on the circumstances.  Not hat he'd admit it to anyone, but Pip is the best thing that's ever happened to him. 

 

That kind of intensity and pressure can't last. One night, Pip flips the script (and Clark the bird), starting with bad decisions like meeting a dealer and ending with worse consequences, like bleeding on someone else's bathroom floor.  Clark steps into her shoes despite being the last person Pip wants to see her that way.  After that, they can't help seeing one another in a different light. They can't deny that Clark is more than the arrogant pleasure seeker he pretends at, that Pip is more than the eternal caretaker.  Can they be more than one another's fail-safe? That there may be more to life than survival is a tempting thought.  

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first book in the DECADENT GRAVITY quartet, but could stand alone.  As per your submission guidelines, I've __________.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me 



#13 Vio Liddell

Vio Liddell

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 62 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:"Les Agonies de l'Innocence" (Tabou Editions, June 2013). Novellas. Dark erotica/horror.

Posted 16 July 2017 - 10:12 AM

Thank you for such a lovely compliment, jaustail! So I took the feedback from the three of you and rewrote the letter.  What do you guys think? 

 

Pip and Clark have exactly one thing in common; the rooftop they almost jump from. Excellent hook!

 

Pip's silhouette already stands on the ledge when Clark charges across the rooftop, determined to take his leap. The sight of her makes him question his own conviction. Neither of them speak; she watches the flow of traffic, he watches her. Eventually, their hands knot together and Clark pulls her down off the ledge with him.

 

It's a descent that doesn't stop once it starts: We all have our demons to fight: Pip fights self-harm, anxiety, and the need to save everyone to her own detriment. Clark fights are various versions of himself; his ability to dissociate from  himself, his arrogance and his blatant disregard for his own safety. That last keeps Pip and Clark crashing back into one another, party after party. When he finds himself praying to the porcelain goddess or otherwise wounded and in need of tending, Pip repays that rooftop debt with a cool rag and a few soft words--or a verbal ass-kicking depending on the circumstances (haha, great). Not that he'd admit it to anyone, but Pip is the best thing that 's ever happened to him.

 

But that kind of intensity and pressure can't last. One night, Pip flips the script (and Clark the bird  :cool:), starting with bad decisions like meeting a dealer and ending with worse consequences, like bleeding on someone else's bathroom floor. Clark steps into her shoes despite being the last person Pip wants to see her that way. After that, they can't help seeing one another in a different light. They can't deny that Clark is more than the arrogant pleasure seeker he pretends to be, or that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. Can they be more than one another's fail-safe? That there may be more to life than survival is a tempting thought. I liked your previous ending better. More punch to it!

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first book in the DECADENT GRAVITY quartet, but could stand alone. As per your submission guidelines, I've __________.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me 

 

Honestly, I think this query is close to perfection. I wish you the best of luck  :wink:



#14 jaustail

jaustail

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 430 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Foliate Oak Literary Magazine, Literary Orphans Magazine.

Posted 16 July 2017 - 10:24 AM

JMO:

 

 

Pip and Clark have exactly one thing in common; the rooftop they almost jump from.(maybe you can combine the two parts of sentence into one to remove the semi colon sign like: The only thing Pip and Clark have in common is the rooftop they almost jump from... Honestly I liked the previous version's opening much better)

 

Pip's silhouette already stands on the ledge when Clark charges across the rooftop, determined to take his leap(this is, in my opinion, same as first paragraph. Either put that or this). The sight of her(maybe add how she looks like. the sight of tears down her eyes or the sight of self harm scars on her arms or the sight of her starving body) makes him question his own conviction.  (there is extra space here)Neither of them speak; she watches the flow of traffic, he watches her. Eventually, their hands knot together and when Clark steps back off the ledge, she allows him to draw her down with him.  

 

It's a descent that doesn't stop once it starts. We all have our demons to fight: Pip's are habitual self-harm, anxiety, and the need to save everyone to her own detriment(i liked this). Clark's demons are various versions of himself; his ability to dissociate from  himself, his arrogance, and his blatant disregard for his own safety(you've describe dissociation and disregard to some extent, maybe describe arrogance as well. like arrogance for authority). That last keeps Pip and Clark crashing back into one another, party after party. When he finds himself praying to the porcelain goddess or otherwise wounded and in need of tending, Pip repays that rooftop debt with a cool rag and a few soft words or a verbal ass-kicking depending on the circumstances.  Not hat he'd admit it to anyone, but Pip is the best thing that's ever happened to him. 

 

That kind of intensity and pressure can't last. One night, Pip flips the script (and Clark the bird), starting with bad decisions like meeting a dealer and ending with worse consequences, like bleeding on someone else's bathroom floor.  Clark steps into her shoes despite being the last person Pip wants to see her that way.  After that, they can't help seeing one another in a different light. They can't deny that Clark is more than the arrogant pleasure seeker he pretends at, that Pip is more than the eternal caretaker.  Can they be more than one another's fail-safe? That there may be more to life than survival is a tempting thought.  

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first book in the DECADENT GRAVITY quartet, but could stand alone.  As per your submission guidelines, I've __________.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I preferred the earlier version to this. JMO.



#15 rccallahan

rccallahan

    Aloha and Olelo

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 27 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationPacific Islands

Posted 16 July 2017 - 03:01 PM

I woke up to your responses this morning and they made me super happy!  Thank you!  So I revised based on your feedback, and I'm going to include some thoughts on areas that I addressed, but maybe not entirely to your feedback?  I'd love to see if my thoughts on it help or if you can answer my questions.  I really appreciate your help! 

 

The only thing Pip and Clark have in common is the pitch black rooftop where they meet.  It's not an illicit rendezvous-- they're both there to jump. (So I tweaked this to be a little closer to the original beginning, but still have a little more punch than the earlier draft.  Does it work?) 

 

Pip's silhouette already stands on the ledge when Clark charges across the rooftop, determined to take his leap. (I didn't add anything here because of what I added above-- the fact that it's dark when they meet, so he can't see much of her at all.  Does that make sense?) The sight of her makes him question his own conviction.  Neither of them speak; she watches the flow of traffic, he watches her. Eventually, their hands knot together and Clark pulls her down off the ledge with him.  

 

It's a descent that doesn't stop once it starts. We all have our demons to fight (I left this bit because I felt like there needed to be a bridge between that first sentence and this stuff, but I did change the verb to reflect more action which was an amazing suggestion, jaustail): Pip's battles habitual self-harm, anxiety, and the need to save everyone to her own detriment. Clark's demons are various versions of himself; his ability to dissociate from  himself, his arrogance, and his blatant disregard for his own safety. That last keeps Pip and Clark crashing back into one another, party after party. When he finds himself praying to the porcelain goddess or otherwise wounded. Pip repays that rooftop debt with a cool rag and a few soft words or a verbal ass-kicking depending on the circumstances.  Not hat he'd admit it to anyone, but Pip is the best thing that ever happened to him. 

 

But, that kind of intensity and pressure can't last. One night, Pip flips the script (and Clark the bird) with bad decisions like meeting a dealer and worse consequences, like bleeding all over someone else's bathroom floor.  She expects to suffer them alone, so when a panic-stricken Clark kicks the door down looking for her, she doesn't feel anything except maybe mortification. (I saw you scratched the other sentence all together, but shouldn't there be something here to indicate that Clark steps up to help her, since it is really what leads to the following sentence?) After that, they can't help seeing one another in a different light. They can't deny that Clark is more than the arrogant pleasure seeker he pretends at, that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. They start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving.  And if they can help each other figure out what 'more' might mean. (You guys were right about the end.)  

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first book in the DECADENT GRAVITY quartet, but could stand alone.  As per your submission guidelines, I've __________.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me 

 

 Vio Liddel, you help me with concision like WOAH.  Thank you so much for that. And I LOVED your happy reactions  :biggrin: Are you feeling more confident about your query?  I'll check out the latest draft ASAP.

 

Jaustail, I know you liked the original better and thank you for those warm fuzzies! I wonder if I've addressed the things you liked about the old one in this revision?  If not, are there other aspects you liked that I didn't address?  I'm keeping an eye out for your latest revision-- can't wait to see it! 

 

Seriously, thank you guys so much!  



#16 Candace

Candace

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 16 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Self-published on Amazon

Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:46 PM

Well, as you know, I haven't yet developed the 'eyes' of an experienced query critiquer yet, but I will do the best I can  :smile:

 

The only thing Pip and Clark have in common is the pitch black rooftop where they meet.  It's not an illicit rendezvous-- they're both there to jump. 

 

Pip's silhouette already stands on the ledge when Not sure that the wording works for me. Maybe 'Pip stands in silhouette on the ledge' or 'Pip stands on the ledge, hidden in shadow' Clark charges across the rooftop, determined to take his leap when he catches sight of her, making him stop and (flows better). The sight of her makes him question his own conviction.  Neither of them speak; she watches the flow of traffic, he watches her. Eventually, their hands knot together and Clark pulls her down off from the ledge with him.  

 

It's a descent that doesn't stop once it starts. We all have our demons to fight: Pip's battles habitual self-harm, anxiety, and the need to save everyone to her own detriment. Clark's demons are various versions of himself; his ability to dissociate from  himself, his arrogance, and his blatant disregard for his own safety. That last keeps Pip and Clark crashing back into one another, party after party. When he finds himself praying to the porcelain goddess or otherwise wounded. ,Pip repays that rooftop debt with a cool rag and a few soft words or a verbal ass-kicking, depending on the circumstances.  Not that he'd admit it to anyone, but Pip is the best thing that ever happened to him. 

 

But, that kind of intensity and pressure can't last. One night, Pip flips the script (and Clark the bird) with bad decisions, like meeting a dealer and worse consequences, like bleeding all over someone else's bathroom floor.  She expects to suffer them alone, so when a panic-stricken Clark kicks the door down looking for her, she doesn't feel anything except maybe mortification.  After that, they can't help seeing see (the deletions tighten up the flow) one another in a different light. They can't deny that Clark is more than the arrogant pleasure seeker he pretends at, and that Pip is more than the goody-goody caretaker. They start to wonder if there is more to life than just surviving.  And if they can help each other figure out what 'more' might mean.

 

The dark romance novel MISADVENTURE (82,960 words) is the first book in the DECADENT GRAVITY quartet, but could stand alone.  As per your submission guidelines, I've __________.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me 

 

I hope my suggestions help!!






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users