Sixteen-year-old Nema doesn’t intend to become the Protector. Instead, she
dreams that one day, her mother will explain why she sent Nema away ten long years ago longs to discover why her mother sent her away ten years ago. Then , she’ll finally know what’s wrong with her.
But when her mother and sister die in an accident,
and Nema fears she'll never know she won’t ever understand. Even worse, the her mother's sacred duty that should’ve passed from her mother to her sister’s is instead has shifted to her, very much without her consent. Nema She must now protect the land from magic’s curse... for when magic is left unchecked, it shrivels fields of grain, turns lakes to sand, and blackens souls. By reversing spells, she returns natural order as the goddess demands. Unworthy or not, the responsibility is hers.
Yet the more malicious spells Nema manages to unravel
unravels, the more darkness appears. When she finds her mother’s journal, it promises answers. In its pages, her mother’s neglect is linked to a truth darker than she ever imagined. She must face it if she wants to protect the people, as her title demands.
Nice job!! I just joined, so forgive me if I missed the answers to these.
1) What's a Protector? Can you explain it sneakily in the first sentence? Right now it just confuses me...
2) Where did her mother send her away 10 years ago? Is this story set on Earth, or somewhere else?
3) Why does something have to be wrong with her because she was sent away? I think we might need more details on how, specifically, that happened.
4) I'm not sure how necessary mentioning the sister is. The fewer characters you mention in a query, the better. :)
5) Take or leave the "very much without her consent." It's just that, in my experience, successful queries throw in a bit of voice! So if you can convey Nema's personality here, that'd be awesome. :D
6) My biggest complaint in the last paragraph is the "truth darker than she ever imagined." Mostly because that's super vague, and sounds like every book ever. Bring in why your story is unique--what's the dark truth?? Why does Nema have to face it?
I really did enjoy this! I think your biggest problem areas are conveying why, if Nema was sent away 10 years ago, she would know her mother died in a car crash. Were they close? Did they communicate when Nema went to her new location? If they didn't speak, how does Nema even know what a Protector is?
LOVED the second paragraph, when you talked about the dark spells turning lakes to sand and stuff. That was really vivid! I'm worried your character doesn't have a lot of agency, though--can you tell us why she can't turn away from being the Protector? Give us a hint other than her worldly duty; Nema's decisions should directly affect the Evil that surfaces in paragraph 3. :D
I know you can do it!! Revise, and keep going! <3
And if you have time, could you maybe check out my query? I'd really appreciate it!