Hi everyone! I'm very new here, but would love some feedback on my query. I know the summary might be a bit long, but I'm hoping that's okay because I don't have any credentials for an author bio paragraph. Thank you in advance!
EDIT: changed some things to reflect advise from users Sataris and Joni--Are the stakes more clear? Still can't quite figure out how to word the first sentence of the second paragraph--I want to make it clear that the school aims to reform all the usual people you would find in a correctional school, but ALSO people with stubborn mental health struggles, like phobias and other disorders, which is something real correctional schools do not do. (This is a major part of the plot, and also the first thing that makes the MCs suspicious.)
EDIT 2: Thanks for all the help and kind words so far, guys! I feel like it's getting stronger. I pasted the new copy in place of the earlier draft.
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Dear [agent's name],
No one told Eponine Fitzgerald that Vespers Academy was a correctional school until after the doors had already locked behind her. With all methods of outside contact wrestled out of her arms and an ugly yellow uniform shoved in their place, she’s stuck stewing in her parents’ betrayal for the rest of the summer.
Vespers prides itself on reforming not only rebellious teens like Eponine, but also those with stubborn mental health issues—teens like Fred Halloway, a boy with social anxiety so crippling he hardly speaks. Made allies by chance, Eponine and Fred agree to navigate the term together. Along for the ride are their disparate cast of roommates, including a happy-go-lucky gambling addict, a female sociopath, and one gifted (and handsome) amnesiac.
But Vespers is not what it seems.
After witnessing a “therapy” appointment that leaves their friend crying and scared for his life, Eponine and Fred realize the school’s psychological approaches to correction are more than just unorthodox, they’re unethical. On top of that, half of the students don’t seem to warrant correctional school at all. Eponine suspects that Vespers might have a goal bigger than just “reformation in record time.” She and Fred risk being forced into the same deadly treatments when they break all of Vespers’ rules in order to uncover what mysteries surround the school—and inadvertently discover that not all of their roommates are who they seem.
VESPERS ACADEMY is a character-driven YA contemporary with sci-fi elements, told through multiple third person perspectives. As a teenager, I struggled with anxiety (both social and general) and had trouble finding stories involving mental health that were both optimistic and fun to read. I wrote VESPERS ACADEMY with my teenage self in mind, in hopes that it could one day reach another young person who might need it.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
[my phone number]