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JUPITERS AMBITION, MIDDLE GRADE (Revised on post#80)


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#61 Erevos

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 06:52 AM

Hmm.. don't know how to write revision that won't be much different from earlier posts.

 

The reason I've put around 75% of story in query is cause before that Doras is complaining and crying. It's only after he shoots the ice beam does he gain confidence and do "stuff".

 

Till 75%, it's other characters and Planet Guardians who fight. The book has 11 povs. But only Doras is major character as he is throughout the book.

 

I believe that you can build on that then. Mention the importance of holding his position, Jupiter challenging him to prove his worth. Then mention how broken he feels cause he fails. Lastly mention that he only gains the confidence he needed after freezing his friend and only ally.

 

Finish with him trying to believe in his power and the need to gather more allies or the whole universe will fall into Jupiter's hands.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#62 fernet

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 10:34 AM

Hmm, so looking at your latest revision and some of the other folks' comments, I wonder if you can give us more about Nyla and Doras and their friendship. There needs to be some significant emotional connection in the query, not just the action. Are Nyla and Doras already friends, and that's why he goes to her for help?

 

Could you do something like:

 

- Doras just inherited the throne, he's young and inexperienced and misses his father etc. etc., he hasn't figured out how to use his ice beam power

- and if he doesn't get his power working Jupiter will kick him out of the solar system

- so he goes to his only friend Nyla [some more about friendship here?] to ask for help

- when he gets there he discovers Jupiter is trying to take over the rest of the solar system, starting with Nyla

- to make things worse, Doras accidentally shoots his first ice beam and freezes Nyla with it, making it possible for Jupiter to take over Saturn (I'm not 100% sold on including this detail in the query, but it is a nice layer to the dilemma--not only does Doras need to save his friend, it was his screw-up that got her in trouble in the first place)

- now the stakes are higher--it's not just proving he can fill his father's shoes, Doras needs to undo his mistake, free his friend, and keep the rest of the planets from ending up under Jupiter's thumb

 

...and then stop there? All the other stuff about the peace treaty, Mars, and so forth is just detail about what Doras does once he's off on his quest. I don't think you need that for the query. Just get us caring about Doras, and then set up what's important to him -- saving Nyla, not surrendering to Jupiter--and leave it there.



#63 jaustail

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 11:03 PM

Thanks for the comments, Erevos and Fernet. The discussion is very helpful.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants three things in life: ride his flying scooter every evening, learn his power to shoot ice beams, and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras really doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade Pluto and colonize it, and this will render Doras mansion-less.

 

Doras goes to Saturn to seek help from its Queen Nyla. She assures support and pats Doras on the head for being an innocent boy. Doras is blushing and later pees in his pants as Jupiter attacks Saturn. Doras discovers King Jupiter's plan to take over the entire Solar System.

 

Queen Nyla is holding her own against King Jupiter when Doras, trying to help, shoots a giant ice beam and freezes Nyla. King Jupiter, after laughing out loud, punches Nyla and invades Saturn.

 

Doras doesn't care about Pluto or the galaxy's fate. But he is is obsessed with freeing Nyla from King Jupiter, and this time there is no one he can cry to.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Regards,

 

jaus tail


JUPITER'S AMBITION, MIDDLE GRADE

Revised on Post#80

Link


#64 Iconian

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 05:01 AM

Thanks again for your critique earlier--that comment about starting the query in an earlier spot really helped with getting it all arranged better.

 

Anyway, sorry for not getting to your query sooner--I didn't see your post about not having changed the query. 

 

Alright, let's take a look . . .

 

 



Thanks for the comments, Erevos and Fernet. The discussion is very helpful.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Agent,

Prince Doras of Pluto wants three things in life: ride his flying scooter every evening, learn his power [I don't like this phrase.  Learn about his power?  Strengthen his power?  Practice his power?  I'd try to rephrase.]  to shoot ice beams, and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras really doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade Pluto and colonize it, and this will render Doras mansion-less.  [Ah, I already care so much for Doras.  What greater goal in life than to keep one's mansion?  Nice characterization ;)]

 

Doras goes to Saturn to seek help from its Queen Nyla. She assures support and pats Doras on the head for being an innocent boy. Doras blushes and later pees in his pants as Jupiter attacks Saturn--not long before Doras discovers King Jupiter's plan to take over the entire Solar System.

 

[This just feels like a big empty gap between these paragraphs--what happens between Doras's discovery and Queen Nyla holding her own?]

Queen Nyla is holding her own against King Jupiter when Doras, trying to help, shoots a giant ice beam and freezes Nyla. King Jupiter, after laughing out loud, punches Nyla and invades Saturn.

 

Doras doesn't care about Pluto or the galaxy's fate. But he is is obsessed with freeing Nyla from King Jupiter, and this time there is no one he can cry to.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Regards,

 

jaus tail

 

 

This query has very little cohesion.  Starting with the second paragraph it feels incredibly chopped-up, with little connection from one paragraph to the next.  On the one hand, you have the large elements of the plot--Doras visiting Saturn, Jupiter attacking.  But then you also have several specific moments that you capture--Doras blushing and peeing his pants, and Doras shooting the ice beam, with Jupiter laughing.  The way you've combined them is very, very choppy . . .

 

I'd suggest two possible styles for your query.  Basically, you either commit to getting it cohesive, or you commit to making it choppy (ala DBZ narration, I assume?)  And probably the best thing would be to make it smooth, rather than the choppy.  But the blend you have right now . . . does not blend.  Not well anyway.

 

As it stands right now it's quite difficult to read, and very disjointed.  If it was me working on it, I'd try to smooth out the connections between the paragraphs as much as possible, and find a new way to portray those particular moments you included.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#65 jaustail

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 10:40 AM

Revision:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants three things in life: ride his flying scooter every evening, learn how to to shoot ice beams, and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras really doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade Pluto and colonize it, and this will render Doras mansion-less.

 

Doras goes to Saturn to seek help from its Queen Nyla who assures support. A happy Doras dances with Nyla as all his life problems are solved. He can now return to Pluto and ride his flying scooter when King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army.

 

Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding away from the battle front. Inside a spaceship, Doras cries and wishes he could help Nyla. That's when his power to shoot ice beams awakens and he runs to the battle ground. On his way, Doras trips and accidentally shoots a giant ice beam at Nyla who was otherwise on the verge of defeating King Jupiter.

 

King Jupiter, after laughing out loud, punches Nyla and invades Saturn. Fueled with guilt, Doras decides to free Nyla from King Jupiter. Except this time, there is no one the Prince of Pluto can cry to.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.


JUPITER'S AMBITION, MIDDLE GRADE

Revised on Post#80

Link


#66 Cates

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 06:36 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants three things in life (Missing a preposition or two here. Either add 'to' in front of each clause, or change the wording at the beginning of the sentence, ie, Prince Doras wants to do three things, or All Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do is ride his flying scooter...learn how to shoot...etc.) : ride his flying scooter every evening, learn how to to shoot ice beams, and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras really doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade Pluto and colonize it, and this will render Doras mansion-less.

 

Doras goes to Saturn to seek help from its Queen Nyla. Nyla promises to support (Doras or Pluto or both,) but before Doras can celebrate  who assures support. A happy Doras dances with Nyla as all his life problems are solved. He can now return to Pluto and ride his flying scooter when King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army.

 

Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding away from the battle front. Inside a spaceship, Doras cries and wishes he could help Nyla. That's when his power to shoot ice beams awakens (I thought he had to learn to shoot ice beams?) and he runs into battle.  to the battle ground.(I'm not sure we need to know that Nyla sends Doras away if he just turns around and joins the battle. It might be important to the story, but it's less important in the query--what matters is that Doras enters the battle.) On his way, Doras trips and accidentally shoots a giant ice beam at Nyla who was otherwise on the verge of defeating King Jupiter. With Doras's help Nyla repels King Jupiter--until Doras accidentally shoots her with his ice beam. 

 

Thanks to Doras's mistake, King Jupiter captures Nyla and invades Saturn. Doras is determined to rescue her (and correct his mistake/even though he has to do it alone/even though he'd rather go home/, etc. Just finish it with a clause that shows how he feels about his decision, but something a little stronger than 'there is no one he can cry to.') King Jupiter, after laughing out loud, punches Nyla and invades Saturn. Fueled with guilt, Doras decides to free Nyla from King Jupiter. Except this time, there is no one the Prince of Pluto can cry to.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.

 

I'm definitely intrigued! I love the idea of Pluto as an outsider planet. Is there a relationship between Doras and Nyla? Whatever it is (romantic, platonic, etc.) we need to feel it a little stronger so we understand why Doras is willing to fight for someone else. Does she do or say something that makes Doras change his mind? Does he fall for her, or her for him? If so, why? 


Good luck! 
 



#67 Candace

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 10:38 PM

I'm here to return the favour and hopefully be of some help  :smile:

Revision:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants three things in life: ride his flying scooter every evening, learn how to to shoot ice beams, and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System (Haha). Doras really doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade Pluto and colonize it, and this will render Doras mansion-less.

 

Doras goes to Saturn to seek help from its Queen Nyla who assures support. A happy Doras dances with Nyla as he believes all his life problems are solved. He can now return to Pluto and ride his flying scooter when (This doesn't make sense. Should this be 'while' or 'after'?) King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army.

 

Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding away from the battle front. Inside a spaceship, Doras cries and wishes he could help Nyla. That's when his power to shoot ice beams awakens and he runs to the battle ground. (I assumed 'shooting ice beams' was just for fun like the other two things he wants to do are. Maybe clarify in the first paragraph that it's used as a weapon rather than a whimsy.) On his way, Doras trips and accidentally shoots a giant ice beam at Nyla who was otherwise on the verge of defeating King Jupiter.

 

King Jupiter, after laughing out loud, punches Nyla and invades Saturn. Fueled with guilt, Doras decides to free Nyla from King Jupiter. Except this time, there is no one the Prince of Pluto can cry to.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.



#68 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 11:02 PM

Prince Doras of Pluto wants three things in life: to ride his flying scooter every evening, to learn how to to shoot ice beams, and to throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. (lol This is a much better hook sentence. Great job!) Doras really doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade Pluto and colonize Pluto, and that would render Doras mansion-less.

 

(I'd add a paragraph here explaining how Jupiter is and wants through Doras' eyes. Add more tension.)

 

Doras goes to Saturn to seeks help from Saturn's queen, its Queen Nyla, who assures support. (Explain why she supports him.) Doras jumps for joy, but not for long because A happy Doras dances with Nyla as all his life problems are solved. He can now return to Pluto and ride his flying scooter when King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army. (Those last two sentences sound a bit childish. I provided an alternative.)

 

Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding, away from the battle front. Inside a spaceship, Doras cries and wishes he could help Nyla, but without the ability to shoot ice breams, he's useless. Doras must free Nyla and help win the war if he wants to keep his planet out of King Jupiter's hands. Except this time, there is no one the Prince of Pluto can cry to.

 

That's when his power to shoot ice beams awakens and he runs to the battle ground. On his way, Doras trips and accidentally shoots a giant ice beam at Nyla who was otherwise on the verge of defeating King Jupiter. (The first two paragraphs ran smoothly, but now this feels more like a scene from a novel instead. Stick with the writing style you had before. Show, not tell, but also don't go word-for-word with what happened. I made a suggestion about of how I think it should go.)

 

King Jupiter, after laughing out loud, punches Nyla and invades Saturn. Fueled with guilt, Doras decides to free Nyla from King Jupiter. Except this time, there is no one the Prince of Pluto can cry to.

 

Wonderful improvement. I feel like your query letter just got 10 times better than the last one. Awesome job! You got this.



#69 jaustail

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 11:09 PM

Thank you for the feedback.

I'm glad this one is better. I really want to mention the part where Doras freezes Nyla.

 

Nyla supports Doras cause in the first Planet War Nyla, Doras's father, and Neptune's Guardian were on one side. This is second planet war. I've added first planet war in the book through flashbacks.

 

Pluto, Uranus, and Saturn are a team but for some reason Neptune isn't supporting Pluto.


JUPITER'S AMBITION, MIDDLE GRADE

Revised on Post#80

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#70 jaustail

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 01:06 AM

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do three things in life: ride his flying scooter every evening, learn how to to shoot ice beams, and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade and colonize Pluto, and that would render Doras mansion-less.

 

Doras seeks help from long-time ally Saturn's Queen Nyla who assures support. Doras jumps for joy, but not for long as King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army.

 

Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding away from the battle front. Doras wishes he could help Nyla, but without the ability to shoot ice beams, he's useless. Doras is determined to free Nyla from King Jupiter, except there is no one the crying Prince of Pluto can whine to.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.


JUPITER'S AMBITION, MIDDLE GRADE

Revised on Post#80

Link


#71 dizzywriter

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 02:57 PM

Thanks for your input on mine. 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do three things in life: ride his flying scooter every evening, learn how to to shoot ice beams, and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade and colonize Pluto, and that would render Doras mansion-less.[His planet being invaded seems higher stakes than just losing his toys or mansions. Is he callow and immature, playboy type that will grow? It sounds like it from the first sentence but it's not clear.]

 

Doras seeks help from long-time ally Saturn's Queen Nyla who assures support.[Long-time ally, Queen Nyla of Saturn, promises Doras her support. When] Doras jumps for joy, [cliche]. but not for long as King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant [use a stronger word, or name the number] army[,] Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding away from the battle front.

 

Doras wishes he could help Nyla, but without the ability to shoot ice beams, he's useless. Doras is determined to free Nyla from King Jupiter, except there is no one the crying Prince of Pluto can whine to. [He's not sympathetic. I think you need to end with a promise of some kind of growth. His lack of anyone to whine to isn't very high stakes. Does he set out in secret to learn the ice beam trick or grow in some way to save his planet? What will happen if he doesn't? Otherwise, it's hard to care.]

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.

It's getting there. If I'm reading it right, it's about a spoiled prince during an interplanetary war, which is an interesting POV (for me, I don't know the genre)

 

Good luck with the revisions.



#72 albarchs

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 03:55 PM

I think most people in this thread are doing a great job helping you. I was interested, though, why you have 11 povs? Even in major epic fantasy novels, 11 is a lot. Are they interludes/bit chapters that help flesh out the conflict/story? Especially, since you're writing this for what I imagine are 6th-8th graders, 11 povs seems an awful lot for their reading level/interest.

 

Just curious about that decision process.



#73 Iconian

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 06:30 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do three things in life: ride his flying scooter every evening, learn how to to shoot ice beams, [ah, much better :)] and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, [perhaps you could change this to "the elite club of the extremely wealthy," seeing as Pluto is the god of wealth] but King Jupiter has threatened to invade and colonize Pluto, and that would render Doras mansion-less.

 

So Doras seeks help from long-time ally Saturn's Queen Nyla, [comma] who assures support. Doras jumps for joy, but not for long, [comma] as King Jupiter [soon, or immediately, or abruptly, or something else] lands on Saturn with a giant army.

 

Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding away from the battle front. Doras wishes he could help Nyla, but without the ability to shoot ice beams, he's useless. Doras is determined to free Nyla from King Jupiter, except there is no one the crying Prince of Pluto can whine to.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.

 

 

The last paragraph just doesn't read right.  Part of it is that you use the name "Doras" three times.  Part of it is that I'm just not getting a good feel for what's happening.  Going from Doras being sent into hiding, to Doras wishing he could help, just isn't interesting.  There's no actual action occurring.  First he's sent away, then he wishes he could help, then he reaches a determination to help, even though we never any idea of what the process of him reaching this determination looks like . . . does he ever do anything here, besides dream away?  Perhaps some bit about him actually beginning to learn his ice-shooting ability?


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#74 jaustail

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 09:28 PM

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

 

He's not a playboy, but a spoilt kid. I have 11 povs of other planet guardians and their soldiers. Many of them die midway.


JUPITER'S AMBITION, MIDDLE GRADE

Revised on Post#80

Link


#75 Iconian

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Posted 19 July 2017 - 09:32 PM

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

 

He's not a playboy, but a spoilt kid. I have 11 povs of other planet guardians and their soldiers. Many of them die midway.

 

If this is so, you should probably start off by describing him as "Young Prince Doras," or even give his age.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#76 Vio Liddell

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 04:06 PM

Hi! Returning the favor.

 

Dear Agent,

 

There are three things Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do three things in life: to ride his flying scooter every evening, to learn how to to shoot ice beams, and to throw an egg in King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras doesn't care that his planet is no longer belongs to the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatens to invade and colonize Pluto, and that would render Doras mansion-less. Nice voice. We can really feel Doras' childish interests. But you should include his age in your opening line.

 

Doras seeks help from long-time ally Saturn's Queen Nyla, Queen of Saturn. When she assures support, Doras jumps for joy, but not for long: as King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army.

 

Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding (comma), away from the battle front. Doras wishes he could help Nyla, but without the ability to shoot ice beams, he's useless. You should keep the part where Doras accidentally freezes Nyla. The stakes are higher for him with this because he must not only keep his planet out of King Jupiter's hands, but also correct a mistake he feels extremely guilty about. Doras is determined to free Nyla from King Jupiter, except this time, there is no one the crying Prince of Pluto can whine to.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.

 

I agree with Albarchs: 11 POVS is just too much. Especially for middle-grade. I think it'll be very hard to sell...

As for the query, I think you're making good progress.

 

Good luck!



#77 lyncfs

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 08:21 PM

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do three things in life: ride his flying scooter every evening, learn how to to shoot ice beams, and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System.​(This is a cute opener but a little long winded. Maybe just leave the ice beams and egg throwing) Doras doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the elite club of snobs, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade and colonize Pluto, and that would render Doras mansion-less.

 

Doras seeks help from long-time ally​, Saturn's Queen Nyla, who assures support. Doras jumps for joy, but not for long as King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army.​(This second line lacks a bit of punch. If you could tell us what kind of army he has it would be more intriguing. And what benefit would it be for Nyla to go to war and help Doras? What does his planet provide her?)

 

Queen Nyla sends Doras into hiding away from the battle front. Doras wishes he could help Nyla, but without the ability to shoot ice beams, he's useless. Doras is determined to free Nyla from King Jupiter, except there is no one the crying Prince of Pluto can whine to.​(I'm not sure what ice beams has to do with him saving Nyla you need to clarify this. Also he hasn't made a choice --- what is at stake for him?)

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.

 

Cute story that will appeal to MG just need to flesh out the plot a bit.


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#78 jaustail

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Posted Yesterday, 11:20 AM

revision:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do two things in life: learn how to to shoot ice beams and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the boring club of oldies, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade and colonize Pluto, and that would render Doras mansion-less.

 

Doras seeks help from long-time ally, Queen Nyla of Saturn. When she assures support, Doras does the victory dance, but not for long. King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army of savages.

 

Nyla holds the line against King Jupiter and his army, until Doras accidentally shoots her with a giant ice beam. Thanks to Doras's mistake, King Jupiter captures Nyla and invades Saturn.

 

With no idea how and the chance of a snowball in hell, Doras decides to fight King Jupiter and rescue Nyla.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.


JUPITER'S AMBITION, MIDDLE GRADE

Revised on Post#80

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#79 Sataris

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Posted Yesterday, 12:27 PM

revision:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do two things in life: learn how to to shoot ice beams and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for revoking Pluto's membership from the Solar System. Doras doesn't care that his planet is no longer in the boring club of oldies, but King Jupiter has threatened to invade and colonize Pluto, and that would render Doras mansion-less.

 

It seems like a bit of a contradiction that one of his major goals in life is to get back at the king for revoking pluto's membership, but that he doesn't actually care that it's revoked. I'd try to bring the threat of invasion into more of a primary role.

 

Doras seeks help from long-time ally, Queen Nyla of Saturn. When she assures support, Doras does the victory dance, but not for long. King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army of savages.

 

Nyla holds the line against King Jupiter and his army, until Doras accidentally shoots her with a giant ice beam. Thanks to Doras's mistake, King Jupiter captures Nyla and invades Saturn.

 

With no idea how and the chance of a snowball in hell, Doras decides to fight King Jupiter and rescue Nyla. what happened to pluto?

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.

 

this is a much more focused attempt than your previous drafts


You can find my current query here.


#80 jaustail

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Posted Yesterday, 12:54 PM

revised:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Prince Doras of Pluto wants to do two things in life: learn how to to shoot ice beams and throw an egg on King Jupiter's face for threatening to invade Pluto. Doras doesn't care much about his people, but an invasion would render him mansion-less.

 

He seeks help from long-time ally, Queen Nyla of Saturn. When she assures support, he jumps for joy, but not for long. King Jupiter lands on Saturn with a giant army of savages. Nyla holds the line against King Jupiter and his army, until Doras accidentally shoots her with a giant ice beam.

 

Thanks to Doras's mistake, King Jupiter captures Nyla and invades Saturn while another fleet destroys puny Pluto's minuscule defense. With no idea how and the chance of a snowball in hell, Doras decides to fight King Jupiter and rescue Nyla.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is an 80k-word Middle Grade Space Fantasy novel. It will appeal to fans of Dragon Ball Z and Wereworld Series.


JUPITER'S AMBITION, MIDDLE GRADE

Revised on Post#80

Link





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