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Jupiter's Ambition (revised on post#70)


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#1 jaustail

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 02:59 AM

Hi all,

 

New here. Looking for feedback on query letter:

 

 

Dear Agent,

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t realize his power of generating ice beams soon, Pluto is out of the solar system. Thinking he just needs some adrenaline, he battles giant lizards. His guards save him in the battle but the near-death experience didn't awaken any power. He begs to his dead forefathers, but no blessing from the sky fulfills his wish. Prince Doras sends his highest ranking soldier, Ace, to Jupiter to convince King Rostoria against removing Pluto. In reply Rostoria sends Ace’s corpse to Pluto with a message that Pluto will be renamed to Jupiter II.

Doras begs Uncle Burter, Guardian of Neptune, for help but democracy has taken over in People’s Planet of Neptune. Their elected leader President Mandira has joined hands with Jupiter and Uranus, and they all want Pluto out.

Doras heads to Saturn where Queen Nyla promises support. Being the Guardian of the most Powerful Planet, with powers of lightning, Nyla confronts Rostoria against bullying a kid. Doras relaxes with her demeanor until warning sirens start ringing in Saturn. Nyla and Doras turn to the radar and see giant dots heading towards them. War is on.

Jupiter's Ambition is a science fiction/fantasy novel complete at 80k words written from multiple pov.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#2 Sataris

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 08:38 AM

Hi all,

 

New here. Looking for feedback on query letter:

 

 

Dear Agent,

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t realize his power of generating ice beams soon, Pluto is out of the solar system I'm not sure what this means, but I like the hook. Are they forcefully expelling it from its place? Or is the solar system like an alliance in this world?. Thinking he just needs some adrenaline, he battles giant lizards. His guards save him in the battle but the near-death experience didn't awaken any power. This is more synopsis material than query stuff He begs to his dead forefathers, but no blessing from the sky fulfills his wish. Prince Doras sends his highest ranking soldier, Ace, to Jupiter to convince King Rostoria against removing Pluto. In reply Rostoria sends Ace’s corpse to Pluto with a message that Pluto will be renamed to Jupiter II. so it won't actually be out of the solar system? is there more at stake than the name? ie, will Doras lose control of the planet?

Doras begs the Uncle Burter, Guardian of Neptune, for help but democracy has taken over in People’s Planet of Neptune. Their elected leader President Mandira has joined hands with Jupiter and Uranus, and they all want Pluto out. this is more synopsis stuff as well; we know pluto is in danger, and that jupiter wants to invade, so we don't need to know that pluto tries to get help but fails, since it doesn't change all that much

Doras heads to Saturn where Queen Nyla promises support. Being the Guardian of the most Powerful Planet lose the capitals, with powers of lightning, Nyla confronts Rostoria against bullying a kid. Doras relaxes with her demeanor demeanor isn't the word you want here; assurances, maybe? until warning sirens start ringing in Saturn. Nyla and Doras turn to the radar and see giant dots heading towards them. War is on.

 

Jupiter's Ambition is a science fiction/fantasy novel complete at 80k words written from multiple pov. I'm assuming Doras is your main POV though from this query?

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

A few questions:

1. What exactly do the ice beams have to do with anything? Right now they're presented as being central to the book, then we don't hear about them again. Would they allow him to protect his planet? Is he not seen as a true ruler without powers?

2. So Doras realizes he has to defend his planet; is there anything he might have to personally sacrifice to make that happen? What happens if he fails? Surely something worse than renaming the planet, right? Is he thrown into some dungeon somewhere?

3. Can you cut any additional info out of here? You start and end this query well, but mostly tell us things that happen in the book in between; all we really want is to be interested- both your hook and ending do accomplish that, but what about the main character? How does he feel as all this is going along? Getting us invested in him would help makes us feel more invested in the plot.

 

hope that's helpful! and thank you for the critique


You can find my current query here.


#3 Daisy

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 08:40 AM

Hi all,

 

New here. Looking for feedback on query letter:

 

 

Dear Agent,

If
Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t realize his power of generating ice beams soon, Pluto is out of the solar system. :smile: Thinking he just needs some adrenaline, he battles giant lizards. His guards save him in the battle but the near-death experience didn't awaken any power. He begs to his dead forefathers, but no blessing from the sky fulfills his wish. Prince Doras sends his highest ranking soldier, Ace, to Jupiter to convince King Rostoria against removing Pluto. In reply Rostoria sends Ace’s corpse to Pluto with a message that Pluto will be renamed to Jupiter II.

Doras begs Uncle Burter, Guardian of Neptune, for help but democracy has taken over in People’s Planet of Neptune. Their elected leader President Mandira has joined hands with Jupiter and Uranus, and they all want Pluto out.

 

My head is spinning. 

You have named so many people and places.

Don't make your readers work so hard.

Your query needs to be easy to read. I should be able to skim over this and get the idea.

If I was an agent, I'd stop reading. :blush: 

 

I like the opening sentence, but after that you lose me. 

I don't want to put in an effort to understand a query.  I want you to do that.  I want you to grab me and not let go! :cool:

 

I'd keep Prince Doras as your MC. I like the beginning of this query.

You don't need your entire cast of characters in your query.  Introduce us to Doras and make us interested enough to care about him.

Then, tell us who's the MAIN person in his way.

And then what catastrophe will befall Doras if he doesn't succeed.

 

All the rest is clutter here.  I'm sure it's awesome in your book, but it's not needed or helpful in your query.

 

Doras heads to Saturn where Queen Nyla promises support. Being the Guardian of the most Powerful Planet, with powers of lightning, Nyla confronts Rostoria against bullying a kid. Doras relaxes with her demeanor until warning sirens start ringing in Saturn. Nyla and Doras turn to the radar and see giant dots heading towards them. War is on.

Jupiter's Ambition is a science fiction/fantasy novel complete at 80k words written from multiple pov.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



#4 perpetual

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 09:02 AM

I agree with the above posters so I'm going to wait until you have a revision posted before giving you a proper critique.

I should also mention that you'd be wise to include comparisons to other recently published novels. It's pretty much a prerequisite for agents. It shows them how aware you are of the market you're trying to sell to, plus it gives them a better idea of your novel as well.


Query: Click here.

 


#5 jaustail

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 09:16 AM

Thanks a lot for the feedback. Very helpful questions.

 

Answers to questions:

 

1. What exactly do the ice beams have to do with anything? Right now they're presented as being central to the book, then we don't hear about them again. Would they allow him to protect his planet? Is he not seen as a true ruler without powers?

 

Yes. Doras is not seen as a true ruler without powers. King Rostoria of Jupiter is using this to take over Pluto. President Mandira of Neptune and King Jacky of Uranus are with Jupiter. Mandira wants to use people of Jupiter as slaves, and Jacky wants to use moons of Pluto for all the minerals (equivalent to earth diamonds) that the moons have. Jupiter's main mission is to take over entire solar system.

 

2. So Doras realizes he has to defend his planet; is there anything he might have to personally sacrifice to make that happen? What happens if he fails? Surely something worse than renaming the planet, right? Is he thrown into some dungeon somewhere?

 

Doras is actually a kid. After his dad passed away Doras has to take over throne of the planet. He doesn't want to surrender. He asks Neptune for help. King of Neptune and Doras's father were best friends once. But Democracy is in Neptune and Mandira (new leader) is more like dictator.

 

3. Can you cut any additional info out of here? You start and end this query well, but mostly tell us things that happen in the book in between; all we really want is to be interested- both your hook and ending do accomplish that, but what about the main character? How does he feel as all this is going along? Getting us invested in him would help makes us feel more invested in the plot.

 

Honestly Doras is the main character, but the other characters are equally important. While writing the book, I wrote in three parts.

 

I should also mention that you'd be wise to include comparisons to other recently published novels. It's pretty much a prerequisite for agents. It shows them how aware you are of the market you're trying to sell to, plus it gives them a better idea of your novel as well.

 

I think this would appeal to Dragon Ball Z fans, and Werelord Series fans. But more to Dragon Ball Z.

I will post a revision maybe by tomorrow. Thanks a lot for this.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

Link


#6 perpetual

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 09:27 AM

 

 

 

I think this would appeal to Dragon Ball Z fans, and Werelord Series fans. But more to Dragon Ball Z.

I will post a revision maybe by tomorrow. Thanks a lot for this.

 

 

 

 

I just want to clarify: For your comparison, you need recently published novels that aren't too big. E.G. Saying it's just like Harry Potter wouldn't bode well. Also, explain why you chose that comparison.


Query: Click here.

 


#7 jaustail

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 09:30 AM

That's what one beta reader said. That the story is 'larger than life' like DBZ.

 

And there is a lot of action like in Werelord series.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#8 Sataris

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 11:16 AM

DBZ is graphic novels, correct? You're going to want to compare your book to a regular novel. Werelords is more on the right track, but even something that wrapped up back in 2013 is probably a bit dated for comps. I wouldn't sweat it too much for now though - having good comp titles isn't as important as making sure your query works. Also, if this is like dbz and werelords, would your book appeal to kids? as in could it be targeted towards the YA market?


You can find my current query here.


#9 jaustail

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 12:34 PM

Yes. You are right with the target audience.

I am still in the editing stage. Thought I should be working on the query at the same time.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#10 jjohnson

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 12:35 PM

Will realizing his powers be enough, or will Doras still have to go to battle? The first sentence points toward the former, but after reading more, it seems like Rostoria wouldn't let that stop him from seizing Pluto.


Please take a look at my query. Check me out on Facebook.


#11 jaustail

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 01:41 PM

Realising his powers is not enough. It's actually very late n Doras goofs up with his powers n gives a major advantage to Rostoria.

Doras has to save Queen of Saturn who has been kidnapped by Rostoria.

JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#12 jjohnson

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Posted 27 June 2017 - 02:22 PM

It could use a call to action of sorts for Doras because it's reading like a synopsis.


Please take a look at my query. Check me out on Facebook.


#13 jaustail

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 12:02 AM

Revised version:

 

Dear Agent:

 

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t realize his power of generating ice beams, Pluto loses its status of a planet. King Rostoria of Jupiter proposes to take over and rename it to Jupiter II.

 

Doras flies to Saturn for help where Queen Nyla assures him she’ll deal with Rostoria like she did in the previous war. Sirens ring in Saturn as Rostoria and his allies wage war. It’s Nyla’s lightning bolts Vs Rostoria’s raw strength. Nyla is winning the battle when Doras realizes his power. The excited boy rushes to teach Rostoria a lesson but ends up firing at Nyla, making a giant ice berg with Nyla at its center.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty whereby Rostoria will have Saturn and Pluto. But Doras refuses to let Nyla remain captive. The quest to strengthen his power and find new allies leads him to the dead planet of Mars and the unknown planets that lie closer to the Sun.

 

 

Jupiter's Ambition is sci-fi/fantasy novel complete at 80k words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

Link


#14 Kimseal

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 01:16 AM

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t realize his power you don't realize powers. 'Learn how to' maybe of generating ice beams, Pluto loses its status of a planet. King Rostoria of Jupiter proposes to take over and rename it to Jupiter II is the name change important?

 

Doras flies to Saturn for help where Queen Nyla assures him she’ll deal with Rostoria why would she do this? like she did in the previous war. Sirens ring in Saturn as Rostoria and his allies wage war this means that Rostoria and his allies wage war on each other but then they're not allies, are they?. It’s Nyla’s lightning bolts Vs versus Rostoria’s raw strength. Nyla is winning the battle when Doras realizes his power. The excited boy rushes to teach Rostoria a lesson but ends up firing at Nyla, making a giant ice berg with Nyla at its center.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty whereby Rostoria will have Saturn and Pluto. But Doras refuses to let Nyla remain captive. The quest to strengthen his power and find new allies leads him to the dead planet of Mars and the unknown planets that lie closer to the Sun.

 

 

Jupiter's Ambition is sci-fi/fantasy this needs to be a genre and sci/fi fantasy isn't a genre. Maybe go with 'space opera' novel complete at 80k words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon this'll come across as presumptuous, don't use this



#15 Samantha:)

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 12:14 PM

Hi Juastail! Here are some thoughts I had. 

 

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t realize what do you mean by realize? Does he know he has this power, and just needs to learn to harness it? Or does he need to discover it altogether? I'd make this more clear. his power of generating ice beams I'd change this to "power to generate", Pluto loses its status of a as a planet. King Rostoria of Jupiter proposes to take over and rename it to Jupiter II. I'd change this last sentence to something like "worse, King Rostoria of Jupiter is plotting to take over and rename it Jupiter II." 

 

Give me some insight into how Doras is feeling now. Is he desperate? Doras flies to Saturn for help where Queen Nyla assures him she’ll deal with Rostoria like she did in the previous war. Sirens ring in Saturn as Rostoria and his allies wage war. It’s Nyla’s lightning bolts Vs Rostoria’s raw strength. Nyla is winning the battle when Doras realizes his power. The excited boy rushes to teach Rostoria a lesson but ends up firing at Nyla, making a giant ice berg with Nyla at its center. This paragraph establishes the stakes, but in a very long-winded, messy way. I'd change it to: "Desperate for help, Doras appeals to Queen Nyla of Saturn. War ensues when she agrees to help, and the battle is almost won when Doras accidentally traps Nyla inside a giant iceberg." or something like that. Put me into his head instead of just reciting the plot.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty whereby Rostoria will have Saturn and Pluto. But Doras refuses to let Nyla remain captive. The quest to strengthen his power and find new allies leads him to the dead planet of Mars and the unknown planets that lie closer to the Sun. "When the other planets sign a peace treaty that hands both Saturn and Pluto over to Rostoria, Doras vows to rescue Nyla--and take both of their planets back. But his quest to strengthen his power will lead him into more danger than ever as he travels to Mars, and the other mysterious planets closer to the sun." Or something like that.

 

I think you have an interesting premise here, but you need to make sure that you're building stakes and not just reciting what happens in the book. What will happen if Doras doesn't rescue Nyla? What about his subjects on Pluto? And why is Nyla so apt to help him? These are all things to consider. 

 

Hope this helps!

 

~Sam



#16 Ajax

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 01:01 PM

Revised version:

 

Dear Agent:

 

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t realize his power of generating ice beams, Pluto loses its status of a planet. (I'm hooked! This sounds like a fresh spin on the elemental powers. I want to know more.) King Rostoria of Jupiter proposes to take over and rename it to Jupiter II. (What's in it for Rostoria? What's his motive?)

 

Doras flies to Saturn for help where Queen Nyla assures him she’ll deal with Rostoria like she did in the previous war. Sirens ring in (on?) Saturn as Rostoria and his allies wage war. (Why? And how had Nyla "dealt with" Rostoria? How did Rostoria manage to muster the courage to wage another war against Nyla after an ostensible defeat in the previous war? I'm not sure if you should mention two wars between two planets without providing proper motives. It's confusing and distracting.) It’s Nyla’s lightning bolts Vs Rostoria’s raw strength. (How can raw strength be a worthy match of lightning? Shouldn't lightning automatically have the upper hand due to its ability to strike from distance?) Nyla is winning the battle when Doras realizes his power. (What power?) The excited boy rushes (This is telling and the sudden shift in the tone is jarring.) to teach Rostoria a lesson but ends up firing at Nyla, (Why? How?) making a giant ice berg with Nyla at its center.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty (Why?) whereby Rostoria will have Saturn and Pluto. But Doras refuses to let Nyla remain captive. (Rostoria's captive? Why would Doras care about Nyla?) The quest to strengthen his power and find new allies leads him to the dead planet of Mars and the unknown planets that lie closer to the Sun. (This is a vague ending and doesn't exactly offer something new. I'm not sure what's at stake other than Pluto's planetary status which has already been established early on in the query. You can show something more personal that's at stake for the protagonist. Perhaps a loved one's life? Protagonist's honor? His mental health? Basically, consider deepening the stakes in this section.)

 

 

Jupiter's Ambition is sci-fi/fantasy novel complete at 80k words. (What's the age category? Is this an adult manuscript? This needs to be stated right here as per the rules.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

I think the query has a very strong hook, but then it derails a bit.

 

The query lacks voice. One way to add it would be to infuse the personality of the protagonist with the tone. For instance, if the protagonist is rebellious, the sentences could be written sarcastically. Ideally, it shouldn't read textual.

 

Also, make sure that the internal logic is simplified and sufficiently pronounced. I need to see solid motives of all the characters within the query. Why would Nyla help Doras? Why is Rostoria after Pluto? What's causing this war? You DON'T have to answer everything, but the actions of the characters need to be believable.

Good luck. 


 



#17 jaustail

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 11:51 PM

Thanks for the feedback.

 

One question:

 

Why Jupiter is attacking Saturn despite Jupiter having lost the earlier war....that's a major plot twist. I'll end up revealing most of the story then. So I'll have to tread carefully in making sure what to reveal.

 

And why is Jupiter attacking Saturn in the first place?....That's a big reveal, can't really put it in one or two sentences. Also Doras doesn't know this. He's just a kid who's having trouble firing ice beams.

 

He knows his powers are ice beams but he's unable to fire them.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#18 jaustail

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 04:53 AM

Revised Version:

 

Dear Agent:

 

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t learn his power to generate ice beams, Pluto loses its status as a planet. Not that Doras cares but he fears the bad king of Jupiter, Rostoria, will take over Pluto.

 

Doras runs to Saturn to complain. His aunt-cum-best friend Queen Nyla assures support. Doras is enjoying Nyla’s hospitality in her super luxurious mansion when sirens disturb him. Giant objects are heading towards Saturn, and a smaller fleet towards Pluto.

 

No one can pass through the electric storm around Saturn’s rings without Nyla’s permission. But as the rings get destroyed one by one, Doras hopes Nyla can fight the enemy.

 

Dependent on the rings, Nyla never had a strong army. Rostoria's soldiers dispose the small opposition and take over the planet. More fleet arrives from Jupiter. Nyla enters the battle and fires lightning bolts at Rostoria. Rostoria's raw strength isn't enough, and he faces defeat as the lightning burns through his armor.

 

Watching the battle from some distance, Doras does the victory dance and ,unintentionally, fires his first ice beam. Hurray!! Time to teach Rostoria a lesson. Doras runs to the battleground and generates a giant ice beam to fire at Rostoria. But Doras trips midway, and the beam hits everyone-- freezing friends and foes. While Rostoria smashes his way out, Nyla is caged in an ice berg.

 

A friend helps Doras escape the King of Jupiter. Other planets sign a Peace Treaty with Rostoria where he gets Saturn and Pluto. But Doras frowns. He wants Nyla back, but with no one to plead with, the former Prince of Pluto will have to lead the battle against the King of Jupiter.

 

 

Jupiter's Ambition is Young-Adult/Children's   Sci-Fi/Fantasy novel complete at **** words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. As per the requirements mentioned in your website, I've pasted the first three chapters of the manuscript to this email.

 

 

Regards,

 

My name


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#19 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 30 June 2017 - 08:29 AM

Fresh eyes - haven't read the other comments 

Revised Version:

 

Dear Agent:

 

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t learn his power to generate ice beams, Pluto loses its status as a planet. Not that Doras cares but he fears the bad bad is vague - why is he bad? king of Jupiter, Rostoria, will take over Pluto.

 

Doras runs to Saturn to complain. His aunt-cum-best friend Queen Nyla assures support. Doras is enjoying Nyla’s hospitality in her super luxurious mansion when sirens disturb him. Giant objects are heading towards Saturn, and a smaller fleet towards Pluto.

 

No one can pass through the electric storm around Saturn’s rings without Nyla’s permission. But as the rings get destroyed one by one, Doras hopes Nyla can fight the enemy.

 

Dependent on the rings, Nyla never had a strong army. Rostoria's soldiers dispose the small opposition and take over the planet. More fleet arrives from Jupiter. Nyla enters the battle and fires lightning bolts at Rostoria. Rostoria's raw strength isn't enough, and he faces defeat as the lightning burns through his armor.

 

Watching the battle from some distance, Doras does the victory dance and ,unintentionally, fires his first ice beam. Hurray!! Time to teach Rostoria a lesson. Doras runs to the battleground and generates a giant ice beam to fire at Rostoria. But Doras trips midway, and the beam hits everyone-- freezing friends and foes. While Rostoria smashes his way out, Nyla is caged in an ice berg.

 

A friend helps Doras escape the King of Jupiter. Other planets sign a Peace Treaty with Rostoria where he gets Saturn and Pluto. But Doras frowns. He wants Nyla back, but with no one to plead with, the former Prince of Pluto will have to lead the battle against the King of Jupiter.

 

 

Jupiter's Ambition is Young-Adult/Children's   Sci-Fi/Fantasy novel complete at **** words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. As per the requirements mentioned in your website, I've pasted the first three chapters of the manuscript to this email.

 

 

Regards,

 

My name

I'm having a hard time picturing exactly what is going on here. Are the characters human? alien? Are they whole planets? I'm also getting a little bogged down in who is at war with who and what is at stake. Why should I care about Doras? What is at stake for him? I think your query needs a little more character and a little less war. 



#20 jaustail

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Posted 30 June 2017 - 09:05 AM

Thanks for the feedback. The characters are aliens. There are 9 planets and each planet is inhabited by aliens.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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