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Jupiter's Ambition (revised on post#70)


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#21 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 30 June 2017 - 09:25 AM

lol I found you.

 

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t get his power to generate ice beams, Pluto loses its status as a planet his planet is kicked out of the solar system and a war begins. (Well, he kind of loses more than that, doesn't he? It kind of is the tip that starts the whole warish thing.) Not that Doras cares but he fears the bad king of Jupiter, Rostoria, will take over Pluto. Helpful hint: I'd only use two characters throughout the whole query. Focus on Doras since he is the one who the book opens up with and follows the most. Rostoria is the first major evil. Use him too, but mainly focus on Doras and his issues.

 

Doras runs to Saturn to complain. His aunt-cum-best friend Queen Nyla assures support. Doras is enjoying Nyla’s hospitality in her super luxurious mansion when sirens disturb him. Giant objects are heading towards Saturn, and a smaller fleet towards Pluto. This part of your query shifts issues, do you see that? First, it's Rostoria, then it's Nyla. The next few paragraphs go straight to Nyla.

 

Everywhere Doras goes, the war begins. (Don't use other character names, but I'd give examples around here.)

 

No one can pass through the electric storm around Saturn’s rings without Nyla’s permission. But as the rings get destroyed one by one, Doras hopes Nyla can fight the enemy.

 

Dependent on the rings, Nyla never had a strong army. Rostoria's soldiers dispose the small opposition and take over the planet. More fleet arrives from Jupiter. Nyla enters the battle and fires lightning bolts at Rostoria. Rostoria's raw strength isn't enough, and he faces defeat as the lightning burns through his armor.

 

Watching the battle from some distance, Doras does the victory dance and ,unintentionally, fires his first ice beam. Hurray!!   The hurray sounds slightly childish. I wouldn't do it. Time to teach Rostoria a lesson. Doras runs to the battleground and generates a giant ice beam to fire at Rostoria. But Doras trips midway, and the beam hits everyone-- freezing friends and foes. While Rostoria smashes his way out, Nyla is caged in an ice berg.

 

A friend helps Doras escape the King of Jupiter. Other planets sign a Peace Treaty with Rostoria where he gets Saturn and Pluto. But Doras frowns. He wants Nyla back, but with no one to plead with, the former Prince of Pluto will have to lead the battle against the King of Jupiter. So, I know this happened towards the end of your book. Don't explain that far in advance in the query. Give the opening conflict and make it have some tension by telling everything. Mention his father's death, but hint at his father not being dead. Mention Rostoria killing his main commander in the army. Mention his fear and cowardness. But don't use everyone's name and try not to explain this far into the story. 

 

Jupiter's Ambition is Young-Adult/Children's Sci-Fi/Fantasy novel complete at **** words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. As per the requirements mentioned in your website, I've pasted the first three chapters of the manuscript to this email. Sounds more professional that way. They already know you read the requirements. : P

 

This is a good draft for your query! I had the same difficulties when I first started my writing my query. Just focus on Doras and all will be well! 



#22 jaustail

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Posted 30 June 2017 - 09:59 AM

Thanks for the feedback.

Earlier I used to think writing Query would be so simple. Just write it and send and you get requests. :laugh:


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#23 Stephany Vital

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 09:09 AM

Fresh Eyes - have not read the other poster's comments. Hope this is helpful!

 

Dear Agent:

 

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t does not learn to use his power to generate ice beams, Pluto will loses its status as a planet (why will Pluto lose its status? Are the ice beams a requirement for this? Is Price Doras a protector of the planet in some way?). Not that Doras cares but he fears the bad king of Jupiter, Rostoria, will take over Pluto. Maybe you could say instead Doras does not care what status the planet has, but it is his home and he does not want Rostoria to take it over. Which leads me to ask what makes this planet desirable to other planet's king? Is there something special about it?

 

Doras runs to (his best friend and aunt, Queen Nyla? who governs) Saturn to complain. His aunt-cum-best friend Queen Nyla assures support. Doras is enjoying Nyla’s hospitality in her super luxurious mansion when sirens (what is a siren?) disturb him. Giant objects are heading towards Saturn, and a smaller fleet towards Pluto.

 

No one can pass through the electric storm around Saturn’s rings without Nyla’s permission. But as the rings get destroyed one by one, Doras hopes Nyla can fight the enemy. (What destroys the rings? I would make this active tense.)

 

Dependent on the rings for protection, Nyla never had does not have a strong army. Rostoria's soldiers dispose obliterate the small opposition and take over the planet. More fleets arrives from Jupiter. Nyla enters the battle and fires lightning bolts at Rostoria. Rostoria's raw strength isn't enough, and he faces defeat as the lightning burns through his armor.

 

Watching the battle from some distance, Doras does the victory dance and ,unintentionally, fires his first ice beam. Hurray!! Time to teach Rostoria a lesson. Doras runs to the battleground and generates a giant ice beam to fire at Rostoria. But Doras trips midway, and the beam hits everyone-- freezing friends and foes. While Rostoria smashes his way out, Nyla is caged in an ice berg.

 

A friend helps Doras escape the King of Jupiter. Other planets sign a Peace Treaty with Rostoria where he gets Saturn and Pluto. But Doras frowns. He wants Nyla back, but with no one to plead with, the former Prince of Pluto will have to lead the battle against the King of Jupiter.

 

Jupiter's Ambition is Young-Adult/Children's   Sci-Fi/Fantasy novel complete at **** words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. As per the requirements mentioned in your website, I've pasted the first three chapters of the manuscript to this email.

 

In my opinion the query is reading more like a synopsis than a query letter. I think you need to focus more on who is Doras, what does he want, and what is preventing him from getting it. What are the stakes? What happens if he fails? Keep at it! Every revision is one step closer!

 

Regards,

 

My name



#24 jaustail

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 09:56 AM

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah Doras is guardian of the planet. Each of the nine planets has a guardian that has a different power. Doras is ice bream, Jupiter has strength, Saturn has lightning etc. Jupiter's Guardian wants to take over Pluto, the smallest planet, and eventually invade the entire solar system.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

Link


#25 jaustail

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 11:50 AM

Revised version:

 

Dear Agent:

 

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his son Doras takes over the throne and the power to generate ice beams. However, he is unable to fire any beams, and this gives other planets an opportunity to claim Doras isn’t the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it.

 

Supporting Doras is Queen Nyla of Saturn, but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn. Using her power of lightning, Nyla is holding the line, when Doras learns to use his power. He enters the battle but ends up freezing the Guardian of Saturn.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty and decide to divide Pluto and Saturn among themselves, but Doras refuses the dictum of the bullies. He has to rescue Nyla from the enemies. The Guardian of Jupiter proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter's powers of strength, water, and thunder.

 

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is a 80k word YA sci-fi/fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and considertation.

 

I've added the first 3 chapters to this email.

 

regards,

 

jaus tail


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

Link


#26 callalilly

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 03:46 PM

Hi there. I hope this helps, but if not please ignore :)

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his son Doras takes over the throne and  gaining with it the power to generate ice beams. However, when Doras is unable to fire any beams (I think adding why he needs to fire beams will help. I personally do not understand why a guardian of pluto needs the power of ice beams or why he needs to wield that power. I think if you explain, it would be really useful), and this gives the other planets an opportunity to claim begin to question Doras isn’t as the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras (Perhaps explain the process of dethroning him -i.e. will they execute him, imprison him, banish him. Adding this I feel will add conflict which in a query is great to include), thus removing Pluto’s status as a planet, and allowing other planets to colonize it.

 

Supporting Doras only supporter is Queen Nyla of Saturn, but unfortunately she has trouble of her own as her own planet is under attack. three planets attack Saturn. Nyla is just able to hold the line, using her power of lightning, Nyla is holding the line, when as Doras learns to use his power (I am a bit confused -if Nyla is busy with her own planet, what makes it so that she can help Doras as well. Also how did she meet Doras, that might be a cool fact to include). He enters the battle but ends up only to accidentally freeze the Guardian of Saturn (Does he enter battle then after he gets his powers under control? And is the Guardian of Saturn the same as Queen Nyla?) .

 

The battle results in devastating result for Doras and Nyla who stand to lose their planets when the other planets sign a Peace Treaty, deciding to divide Pluto and Saturn among themselves, but Doras refuses the dictum of the bullies. He has to rescue Nyla from the enemies (I think you must explain that Nyla is a prisoner at this junction), but to do so he must win a duel proposed by the Guardian of Jupiter. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter's powers of strength, water, and thunder. (I suggest you include a closing sentence, something like: "But in facing a guardian far more practiced than Doras, the chances of saving his planet are slim..." That's bad but it's your work and you'll do better ;)

I think your story sounds like a awesome read. I suggest beefing up your query -you cover a lot of plot points, but not all is explained I feel which makes it hard to grasp. Perhaps take out some areas and expand on other -i.e. the importance of Doras' plant. If none of these work for you though -again please toss out my suggestions, you are the writer and will know what's best for your own query. Best of luck and keep on writing.)



#27 Sreid

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 08:35 PM

Hi jaustail,

 

I read the previous versions and like this one best. I think you have an interesting story and just wonder if you have any connection between the powers of the planetary rulers and greek/roman gods for which their planets are named?

Revised version:

 

Dear Agent:

 

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his son Doras takes over the throne and the power to generate ice beams. Good hook. It introduces the main character and grabs my attention with the power to make ice beams. Cool (pun intended). However, he is unable to fire Fire ice beams? Did you write it this way on purpose (fire and ice)? any beams, and this gives other planets an opportunity to claim Doras isn’t the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, Just like the scientists have done by making it a "minor planet". I like it. and colonize it. I don't personally feel the need to know more about how or why your planetary rulers have unique powers in this query. I presume that explanation will come either in the synopsis or the actual book.

 

Supporting Doras is Queen Nyla of Saturn, but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn. Using her power of lightning, Nyla is holding the line, when Doras learns to use his power. He enters the battle but ends up accidentally (?) freezing the Guardian of Saturn.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty and decide to divide Pluto and Saturn among themselves, but Doras refuses the dictum of the bullies. He has to rescue Nyla from the enemies. The Guardian of Jupiter proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter's powers of strength, water, and thunder. The roman god, Jupiter, had the power of lightning. Does your Jupiter have it as well?

 

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is a 80k word YA sci-fi/fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and considertation.

 

I've added the first 3 chapters to this email.

 

regards,

 

jaus tail

I think you have a fascinating story, and wish you all the best with your queries.



#28 jaustail

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Posted 01 July 2017 - 11:37 PM

@Catalilly: Thanks for the feedback. How Doras and Nyla meet? Well Doras goes to Saturn to seek help and that's when Jupiter attacks. Nyla didn't know Jupiter is allies with Uranus and Neptune. She was confident to battle Jupiter but not two more planet Guardians. The battle of Guardians is happening on Saturn.

 

@Sreid: Thanks for the feedback. No Roman Gods but each Planet's Guardian has a special power. Each planet has only 1 Guardian who has the power.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

Link


#29 CS29

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 02:01 AM

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his son Doras takes over the throne and along with the power to generate ice beams (is this his only power? Depending on how his powers work, he could do a great deal more if you wanted to expand on it). However, he is unable to fire any beams, and this his inability to use his power/create ice beams gives other planets an opportunity to claim Doras isn’t the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it.

 

Supporting Doras is Queen Nyla of Saturn, but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn. Using Wielding her powers of lightning, Nyla is holding holds the line, when while Doras learns to use his power. (How does he move from not being able to use it to leaning how? Might want to include at least a hint of that. It seems like important character progression.) He enters the battle but ends up freezing the Guardian of Saturn.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty and decide to divide Pluto and Saturn among themselves, but Doras refuses to comply the dictum of the bullies. He has needs to rescue Nyla from the enemies. The Guardian of Jupiter proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter's powers of strength, water, and thunder.

 

This is definitely the strongest version so far. It provides more of the plot, though I still feel you might want to give more to connect these events better. Overall, it does give an indication of the epic scale of the battles and the stakes. Good luck!



#30 TheBest

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Posted 02 July 2017 - 12:48 PM

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his son Doras takes over the throne and the power to generate ice beams (This is interesting and should be expanded upon). However, he is unable to fire any beams, and this his inability to fire beams gives other planets an opportunity to claim Doras isn’t the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it. (This last sentence pulls me in.)

 

Supporting Doras is Queen Nyla of Saturn, but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn who has troubles of her own. Using Wielding her power of lightning, Nyla is holdingholds the line, as Doras learns to use his power. He enters the battle but ends up freezing the Guardian of Saturn. (This could be expanded upon. Who is the guardian?)

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty and decide to divide Pluto and Saturn among themselves, but Doras refuses the dictum of the bullies. He has must rescue Nyla from the enemies. The Guardian of Jupiter proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter's powers of strength, water, and thunder.

 

This is a really great concept, but some details could be expanded upon. Maybe be more exclusive when selecting details, and really give lots of information on those. Also, some re-wording is in order. Your idea is very interesting; I would certainly read it. Good luck!!!



#31 Erevos

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 07:00 AM

Hello jaustail and thank you for your comments on my query. Hope I can be of some help. I believe that CS29 did an excellent job, so take into account his suggestions.

Revised version:

 

Dear Agent:

 

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his son Doras takes over the throne and the power to generate ice beams. However, he is unable to fire any beams, and this gives other planets an opportunity to claim Doras isn’t the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it. CS29 comments here. For me this is clear, though I had to read a few posts back to understand that each Guardian has a special power.

 

Supporting Doras is Queen Nyla of Saturn, but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn. Using her power of lightning, Nyla is holding the line, when Doras learns to use his power. He enters the battle but ends up freezing the Guardian of Saturn. You mean he freezes Nyla? Or is the Guardian someone else? Cause Nyla can use powers too. Again , CS29 did a great job here. The last sentence though confuses me a bit.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty and decide to divide Pluto and Saturn among themselves,DOT here. but Doras knows that if he wants to have a chance at protecting his planet, he has to rescue Nyla from their enemies. The Guardian of Jupiter, however, proposes a duel (to end the enmities? something like that), but Doras still hasn't managed to control his power and time is running out. - Just giving some ideas on how you can end your query           refuses the dictum of the bullies.  He has to rescue Nyla from the enemies. The Guardian of Jupiter proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter's powers of strength, water, and thunder.

 

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is a 80k word YA sci-fi/fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and considertation.

 

I've added the first 3 chapters to this email.

 

regards,

 

jaus tail

 

This is really exciting story. I'm going to say that you need a little bit of passion here and there. Show us how desperate Doras is. As it is, it reads passively.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#32 speedchuck

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Posted 03 July 2017 - 02:37 PM

This sounds really good, but could use a bit more character. It looks like you already have people helping you with that.

PM me once you've updated. I owe you a critique, but I'll wait for you to post a revision.

#33 eburton

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 12:51 AM

Revised version:

 

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his son Doras takes over the throne and the power to generate ice beams. (This sentence negates the next. How did he take over the power to generate ice beams if he's unable to fire them?) However, he is unable to fire any beams, and this gives other planets an opportunity to claim Doras isn’t the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it.

 

Supporting Doras is Queen Nyla of Saturn (Queen Nyla of Saturn supports Doras), but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn. Using her power of lightning, Nyla is holding the line, when Doras learns to use his power. He enters the battle but ends up freezing the Guardian of Saturn. (As the battle rages, Dora finally unleashes his power, yet the beams are erratic and uncontrollable.)

 

(Try placing a good segue here. Otherwise it jumps from one paragraph to the next.) The other planets sign a Peace Treaty and decide to divide Pluto and Saturn among themselves, but Doras refuses the dictum of the bullies. (Is this a peace treaty after one battle with Saturn?) He has to rescue Nyla from the enemies. (When did Nyla become imprisoned?) The Guardian of Jupiter proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter's powers of strength, water, and thunder.

 

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is a (an) 80k word YA sci-fi/fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and considertation (consideration).

 

I've added the first 3 chapters to this email.

 

regards,

 

jaus tail

 

The last paragraph is a bit confusing and jumbled. It wanders from the peace treaty to Nyla’s potential rescue to the duel. You can fix some of this by compounding sentences.

 

Keep at it. There’s a good query to build upon in there.

 

Also, your first post says the current revision is #18. You may want to change this so people don’t revise an older version.



#34 jaustail

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 01:12 AM

Dear Agent:

 

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his ten-year-old son Doras takes the throne along with the power to generate ice beams. However, his inability to create ice beams makes the other planets question whether Doras is the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it.

 

Queen Nyla, the Guardian of Saturn, supports Doras but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn. Wielding her power of lightning, Nyla holds the line. As the battle rages on, Doras unleashes his powers. He fires a giant ice beam at the Guardian of Jupiter but ends up freezing everyone in the battle including Nyla. With his power of raw strength, the Guardian of Jupiter, smashes his way out of the ice berg and punches a frozen Nyla in the face rendering her incapacitated. Jupiter's army invades Saturn and Pluto.

 

The Guardian of Neptune convinces and helps Doras to go in hiding in a dead planet. The Guardian explains why Doras' powers were dormant before. Doras doesn't care that his father wasn’t dead until now and has least concern for that mystery. He only wants to rescue Nyla and is willing to give his power to Jupiter in exchange. The Guardian of Jupiter refuses the bargain and proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter who now enjoys the powers of water and thunder to complement his brute strength.

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is a **-word YA sci-fi/fantasy novel. I've added the first 3 chapters to this email

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

Link


#35 speedchuck

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Posted 04 July 2017 - 06:46 PM

Dear Agent:
 
After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his ten-year-old son Doras takes the throne along with the power to generate ice beams. However, his inability to create ice beams makes the other planets question whether Doras is the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it.

If he took the ability to generate ice beams, he'd be able to do it. I would phrase it something like this:
When the Guardian of Pluto dies, the next heir takes the throne along with the power to generate ice beams. But when ten-year-old Doras takes his rightful place on the throne, his inability to create ice beams makes the other planets question whether Doras belongs there. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it.

This isn't necessarily better, but I want it clear that Doras didn't get the ice beams from the start. Otherwise, love the hook!
 
Queen Nyla, the Guardian of Saturn, supports Doras but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn. (Why? Seems awful non sequitur. If it's because she backs Doras, then it's not trouble of her own.) Wielding her power of lightning, Nyla holds the line. As the battle rages on, Doras unleashes his powers. (But he didn't have them?) He fires a giant ice beam at the Guardian of Jupiter but ends up freezing everyone in the battle including Nyla. With his power of raw strength, the Guardian of Jupiter, smashes his way out of the ice berg and punches a frozen Nyla in the face (This doesn't sound very epic, compared to the rest. After all, she's already frozen.) rendering her incapacitated. Jupiter's army invades Saturn and Pluto.

 
The Guardian of Neptune convinces and helps Doras to go in hiding in (on) a dead planet. The Guardian explains why Doras' powers were dormant before. Doras doesn't care that his father wasn’t dead until now and has least concern for that mystery. (If Doras doesn't care, why should we? Is this important to the main conflict, or just an excuse Jupiter's guardian uses?) He only wants to rescue Nyla and is willing to give his power to Jupiter in exchange. The Guardian of Jupiter refuses the bargain (Why? Sounds like a good deal.) and proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter who now enjoys the powers of water and thunder to complement his brute strength.
 
JUPITER'S AMBITION is a **-word YA sci-fi/fantasy novel. I've added the first 3 chapters to this email
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

You have your sequence of events down, but the conflict needs more strength. I don't have a feel for what Doras wants, and why. Are he and the queen of Saturn friends? How do they care for each other? What is Jupiter's motivation? These are all more important than the details of a fight, or why Doras didn't have his powers.

 

You have interesting world-building. But the building blocks of a story are not what characters do, or how they fight. It's what they want, who they are, WHY they want, and what choices stand in their path. And this query lacks some of the focus on that.

 

Take this with a grain of salt. I'm not published either. Good luck!



#36 bkarperien

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 12:22 PM

Dear Agent:

 

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his ten-year-old son Doras takes the throne along with the power to generate ice beams. (I agree with what was said, the ice beam thing doesn't make sense with this wording) However, his inability to create ice beams makes the other planets question whether Doras is the rightful heir. They lobby to dethrone Doras, remove Pluto’s status as a planet, and colonize it. (Nice hook!)

 

Queen Nyla, the Guardian of Saturn, supports Doras but she has trouble of her own as three planets attack Saturn. Wielding her power of lightning, Nyla holds the line. As the battle rages on, Doras unleashes his powers. He fires a giant ice beam at the Guardian of Jupiter but ends up freezing everyone in the battle including Nyla. With his power of raw strength, the Guardian of Jupiter, smashes his way out of the ice berg and punches a frozen Nyla in the face rendering her incapacitated. Jupiter's army invades Saturn and Pluto.

There was a big jump between these two. You go from talking about Pluto's status to a completely different conflict, Saturn being attacked. And then, you've told us Doras can't make ice beams but then he magically does? And if Jupiter was invading Pluto as well, why was the focus on Saturn?

 

The Guardian of Neptune convinces and helps Doras to go in hiding in a dead planet. The Guardian explains why Doras' powers were dormant before. Doras doesn't care that his father wasn’t dead until now and has least concern for that mystery.   (This reads like a synopsis. It's not necessary here.)

 

To rescue Nyla, Doras is willing to give his power to Jupiter in exchange. The Guardian of Jupiter refuses the bargain and proposes a duel. It's Doras' ice beams versus the Guardian of Jupiter who now enjoys the powers of water and thunder to complement his brute strength.

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION is a **-word YA  (it's not YA if the protagonist is ten, it's MG) sci-fi/fantasy novel. I've added the first 3 chapters to this email

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I completely agree with Speedchuck's feedback. I'd focus less on recounting events, and more on the characters and the central conflict.

Thanks for your feedback on my query, btw!


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#37 jaustail

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 12:48 PM

I don't know how to explain why Jupiter attacks Saturn. It's a long logic as to why he does that, and will take three paragraphs in itself.

 

Also why Dexter realizes his powers suddenly also has another arc behind it.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

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#38 jaustail

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 01:10 PM

How about this:

 

Dear Agent,

 

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his ten-year-old son Doras inherits the throne and the power to generate ice beams. But no matter how hard he tries, he isn't able to shoot any beams. If that wasn’t enough, the Guardian of Jupiter sends a notice that Pluto will no longer remain a planet of the solar system, if Doras isn’t able to prove that he’s inherited the power.

 

Doras flies to Saturn to seek help from Queen Nyla, the Guardian of Saturn and his best friend. Unfortunately, he finds himself in the middle of a war when Jupiter attacks Saturn. Fortunately, with her power of lightning, Nyla succeeds in defeating the Guardian of Jupiter.

 

Enter Doras. He runs to Nyla to congratulate her and accidentally fires his first ice beam at her creating an ice hill around Nyla. The Guardian of Jupiter seizes the chance and punches a frozen Nyla, rendering her unconscious, and later taking over the planet.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty, but Doras refuses to comply. His quest to free Nyla and find new allies leads him to the dead planet of Mars and the unknown planets that lie closer to the Sun.

 

***

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION in an 80k Middle Grade, Space Fantasy Novel. The first three chapters...


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#39 callalilly

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 01:39 PM

After the Guardian of Pluto dies, his ten-year-old son Doras inherits the throne and the power to generate ice beams. But no matter how hard he tries, he isn't able to shoot any beams. If that wasn’t enough, Doras is told by the Guardian of Jupiter that if he isn't able to prove that he’s inherited the power to shoot beams, Pluto will no longer remain a planet of the solar system. (I re-worded this paragraph with your sentences. Hoping it reads more fluid.)

 

Doras flies to Saturn to seek help from Queen Nyla, the Guardian of Saturn and his best friend. Unfortunately, he finds himself in the middle of a war when Jupiter attacks Saturn. Fortunately, with her power of lightning, Nyla succeeds in defeating the Guardian of Jupiter.

(I feel a bit confused between the above paragraph and below paragraph. You state she defeats Jupiter, but then you say he punches her. I know there must be a flow in your book, but I'm not reading that here because it feels to jump from one to another and does not explain how you got there.)

Enter Doras. He runs to Nyla to congratulate her and accidentally fires his first ice beam at her -freezing her in a ice hill around Nyla . The Guardian of Jupiter seizes the chance and punches a frozen Nyla, rendering her unconscious and taking over the planet.

 

The other planets sign a Peace Treaty, but Doras refuses to comply. His quest to free Nyla and find new allies leads him to the dead Planet of Mars and the unknown planets that lie closer to the Sun.

 

(This is a big improvement I feel. I still feel maybe if you explain a bit more it would help and also focusing on certain areas. The query covers Doras' inability to shoot ice beams and Nyla's fight with Jupiter, Doras' unlocking his ice beams, the other planets peace treaty, and his quest to free Nyla etc. That feels like a lot of info to cover, so i think it kinda jumps around. If you choose to focus on maybe 2-3 of these issues and expanded on them I think your query could read more fluid. BUT as I said before, these are suggestions and you may of course ignore them all :) Good luck!)


#40 jaustail

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 01:43 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to clarify the Jupiter and Saturn battle in the next revision.

Glad to know it's a big improvement.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

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