Thanks for the comment. Prince/King/Queen of Planet = Guardian of the Planet. Commander of Planet = Army head.
When Pluto's commander returns from Jupiter as a mutilated corpse, all hopes of peace vanish Okay, okay. This is good. I'm interested. With war imminent, seventeen-year-old Prince Doras of Pluto scurries how do you scurry through space? to Saturn to seek help from long-time ally, Queen Nyla Still interested. But when Doras arrives, so does King Jupiter Bummer... he has the same name as his planet :p, with giant muscles amused and still interested, an army of hooligans, and a "the" body odor of wet garbage wait... is this a middle grade book?.
Using his power of ice beams While ice can indeed be a pretty cool power... I do have to say it sounds a little underwhelming when someone says "With the power of ice beams!", Doras battles the hooligans, while Nyla unleashes a lightning storm that burns through the King's muscles what? How?? And what would that even mean?. Unfortunately, Doras accidentally shoots an ice beam at Nyla, freezing her in a block of ice This is pretty specific, and reads more like a synopsis to me. I'd say you could leave it along the lines of "Unfortunately, Doras actually freezes Nyla in the chaos" or something like that. Of course, using your own voice. A little lost...
Like a battering ram, King Jupiter smashes through the ice walls But... all his muscles were burnt through Doras builds between them and captures Nyla. To prevent Doras from doing further damage, the new commander of Pluto transports him to the desolate plains of Mars How?? Also, why didn't he just do that to begin with? And who is this fight against anyway? Is Jupiter mad at Saturn or at Pluto. Definitely a little lost on the point here.... Maybe there is none?
Guilt fuels Doras to boost his power beyond its limit, so he can save his home planet from King Jupiter and rescue Nyla Maybe move this sentence up a paragraph. Little does he know he isn't alone on Mars Oh?? things may be getting interesting once more!. As Doras refines his power to shoot ice beams, predators of Mars prowl
toward their new prey"threatening" to devour the only hope the people of Pluto and Saturn have against King Jupiter hmmmm... interested once again!.
WALL OF ICE is a 95,000-word Space Opera that will appeal to fans of Wereworld Series. I have been published in Foliate Oak Literary Magazine and Literary Orphans Magazine, and have been accepted by Spadina Literary Review Magazine for their upcoming issue.
So... I did something I don't usually do. The green comments above are pretty much my train of thought as I was reading through this, while the blue comments are just comments on the query. Overall, I'd say that the general concept of it definitely sounded interesting to me. But I was interested at the very beginning, the query completely lost me in the middle, then interested once again at the end. That could all just be personal preference. I feel like the middle of the query was just too specific to a single scene so there wasn't enough time to really get me interested in Doras, or in what he was facing, or why King Jupiter is such a threat (and a meanie, and smells like garbage). I feel like the inciting incident can be condensed and you would have a lot more space to bring some of those aspects out for the reader. Like when you really caught my interest by pointing out the hero is stuck on a strange world being hunted by monsters, and he's gotta survive long enough to save his own world!
It really does sound like a MG book to me, and if it is, then I don't really see a problem with the gist of the query at all. Since Wereworld is a kids book, I feel this is as well, but you may want to mention that in the query. Cause the voice for it is right.