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Wall Of Ice (revised post#197)

Fiction Adventure Fantasy Science Fiction

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#201 anah+theshadowaccomplice

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Posted 01 November 2017 - 03:58 PM

Thanks for the comment. Prince/King/Queen of Planet = Guardian of the Planet. Commander of Planet = Army head.

 

Dear Agent,

 

When Pluto's commander returns from Jupiter as a mutilated corpse, all hopes of peace vanish Okay, okay. This is good. I'm interested. With war imminent, seventeen-year-old Prince Doras of Pluto scurries how do you scurry through space? to Saturn to seek help from long-time ally, Queen Nyla Still interested. But when Doras arrives, so does King Jupiter Bummer... he has the same name as his planet :p, with giant muscles amused and still interested, an army of hooligans, and a "the" body odor of wet garbage wait... is this a middle grade book?.

 

Using his power of ice beams While ice can indeed be a pretty cool power... I do have to say it sounds a little underwhelming when someone says "With the power of ice beams!", Doras battles the hooligans, while Nyla unleashes a lightning storm that burns through the King's muscles what? How?? And what would that even mean?. Unfortunately, Doras accidentally shoots an ice beam at Nyla, freezing her in a block of ice This is pretty specific, and reads more like a synopsis to me. I'd say you could leave it along the lines of "Unfortunately, Doras actually freezes Nyla in the chaos" or something like that. Of course, using your own voice. A little lost...

 

Like a battering ram, King Jupiter smashes through the ice walls But... all his muscles were burnt through Doras builds between them and captures Nyla. To prevent Doras from doing further damage, the new commander of Pluto transports him to the desolate plains of Mars How?? Also, why didn't he just do that to begin with? And who is this fight against anyway? Is Jupiter mad at Saturn or at PlutoDefinitely a little lost on the point here.... Maybe there is none?

 

Guilt fuels Doras to boost his power beyond its limit, so he can save his home planet from King Jupiter and rescue Nyla Maybe move this sentence up a paragraph. Little does he know he isn't alone on Mars Oh?? things may be getting interesting once more!. As Doras refines his power to shoot ice beams, predators of Mars prowl toward their new prey "threatening" to devour the only hope the people of Pluto and Saturn have against King Jupiter hmmmm... interested once again!.

 

 

WALL OF ICE is a 95,000-word Space Opera that will appeal to fans of Wereworld Series. I have been published in Foliate Oak Literary Magazine and Literary Orphans Magazine, and have been accepted by Spadina Literary Review Magazine for their upcoming issue.

So... I did something I don't usually do. The green comments above are pretty much my train of thought as I was reading through this, while the blue comments are just comments on the query. Overall, I'd say that the general concept of it definitely sounded interesting to me. But I was interested at the very beginning, the query completely lost me in the middle, then interested once again at the end. That could all just be personal preference. I feel like the middle of the query was just too specific to a single scene so there wasn't enough time to really get me interested in Doras, or in what he was facing, or why King Jupiter is such a threat (and a meanie, and smells like garbage). I feel like the inciting incident can be condensed and you would have a lot more space to bring some of those aspects out for the reader. Like when you really caught my interest by pointing out the hero is stuck on a strange world being hunted by monsters, and he's gotta survive long enough to save his own world!

 

It really does sound like a MG book to me, and if it is, then I don't really see a problem with the gist of the query at all. Since Wereworld is a kids book, I feel this is as well, but you may want to mention that in the query. Cause the voice for it is right. 


My Query Letter: Killing Crow

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#202 jaustail

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Posted 02 November 2017 - 11:13 AM

Thanks for the feedback. It's not really MG. One beta said it's YA, while the other said it's Adult. There's no single main character as such. Yeah there's Doras but the other characters are equally important.

King Jupiter's name in the book is King Rostoria. But if I mention that in the query, there'll be too many names in the Query.

They don't send Doras to Mars in the beginning, cause they didn't expect him to freeze his own team.

 

I'll revise this again. Thanks again.



#203 b.katona

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Posted 02 November 2017 - 12:14 PM

When Pluto's commander returns from Jupiter as a mutilated corpse, all hopes of peace vanish. With war imminent, this is the same as all hopes of peace vanish seventeen-year-old Prince Doras of Pluto scurries to Saturn to seek help from long-time ally, Queen Nyla. But when Doras arrives, so does King Jupiter, with giant muscles, an army of hooligans, and a body odor of wet garbage. I have previously mentioned I think this sentence is off. could you explain to me why you kept it in as is? I'm really curious to know the reasoning behind this, so that I can give you proper feedback.

 

Using his power of ice beams, Doras battles the hooligans, while Nyla unleashes a lightning storm that burns through the King's muscles. Unfortunately, Doras accidentally shoots an ice beam at Nyla, freezing her in a block of ice. while this paragraph can work, it needs pretext. the query doesn't offer much familiarity with these powers and characters, so it's a stretch in this shape and form. you could preface it with something along the lines of "Doras, one of the most powerful beings in the universe, must step in his dead father's shoes, as commander of the Pluto army. Only one problem: he hasn't finished his training and his powers of freezing pose a serious threat to both sides if they aren't properly tamed...." (you get the idea, this is just a clumsy example)

 

Like a battering ram, King Jupiter smashes through the ice walls Doras builds between them and captures Nyla. To prevent Doras from doing further damage, the new commander of Pluto transports him to the desolate plains of Mars. I like this paragraph. maybe you could join it together with other parts, so that your query won't seem this fragmented. it organically follows from the previous one, so it's a fit

 

Guilt fuels Doras to boost his power beyond its limit to me it seems it's not the limitedness of his power that's a problem, rather its uncontrollable nature or Doras' lack of experience. find consistency, so he can save his home planet from King Jupiter and rescue Nyla. Little does he know he isn't alone on Mars. As Doras refines his power to shoot ice beams, predators of Mars prowl toward their new prey to devour the only hope the people of Pluto and Saturn have against King Jupiter. this closing sentence is fine but it's not a good finish. it doesn't seem to be a bigger deal than king J, so you should probably lose this part and just return to the original conflict and end on a similar note to this: "Doras will have to try and see in action if he has mastered his own abilities well enough to face off with King Jupiter."

 

I see you've mentioned that you struggle to show someone as MC, since there are too many important characters. That's not the same as not having a protagonist of some sort. Of course many characters are important, it should be the case but it appears to be very clear to me that Doras is the one going on the heroic journey, of battling his own limitations and prevailing as a noble warrior in the end. This isn't a synopsys, don't worry too much about having an improportionate amount of focus on Doras. Also, you seem to have struggled with identifying the target audience's age range. My impression is, especially from the diction of the query, that this is geared more toward younger audiences. Obviously, I haven't read the manuscript but I'm only ever offering my two cents...



#204 smoskale

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Posted 05 November 2017 - 04:47 PM

Dear Agent:

 

If Prince Doras of Pluto doesn’t must learn his power to generate ice beamsor Pluto loses its status as a planet. Not that Doras caresIf their prince does not care, the agent surely won't.  but he fears the bad king why is he bad? show, don't tell? Has he massacred people? raped his siblings? devoured newborns? of Jupiter, Rostoria, will take over Pluto. ​not at all obvious why that would be bad. With Doras so nonchalant, perhaps it is better for Pluto to have Rostoria as their ruler?

 

Doras runs to Saturn to complain. ​What is he--five? He runs to complain? Make your MC someone a reader can care about, not a wimp and a tattle-tale. His aunt-cum-best Ouch, my eyes! Aunt-turned-best friend? I know it's legit. But in a query, better to avoid moments of confusion like the one I just had. friend Queen Nyla assures support. Doras is enjoying Nyla’s hospitality I want to re-emphasize getting rid of "cum" above, in light of him enjoying her hospitality in her super luxurious mansion when sirens disturb him blast. (avoid limp phrasing like "disturb him") Giant objects are heading towards Saturn, and a smaller fleet wait, are they objects or ships? "a smaller fleet" is as compared to what? towards Pluto.

 

No one can pass through the electric storm around Saturn’s rings without Nyla’s permission. But as the rings get destroyed one by one, Doras hopes Nyla can fight the enemy. either she must give permission for the enemy to enter, or she must fight. It can't be both. How much power does she have? You have me confused. Oh, I see from the following paragraph that the enemy is surprisingly strong. You should make that obvious here. 

 

Dependent on the rings, for what? food? shelter? Consider: Nyla never had a strong army, relying on the rings' power to stop intruders. Nyla never had a strong army. Rostoria's soldiers dispose the small opposition and take over the planet. More fleet arrives from Jupiter. Nyla enters the battle and fires lightning bolts at Rostoria. Rostoria's raw strength isn't enough, and he faces defeat as the lightning burns through his armor.

 

Watching the battle from some distance, Doras does the victory dance and ,unintentionally, fires his first ice beam. Hurray!! Time to teach Rostoria a lesson. Doras runs to the battleground and generates a giant ice beam to fire at Rostoria. But Doras trips midway, and the beam hits everyone-- freezing friends and foes. While Rostoria smashes his way out, Nyla is caged in an ice berg.

 

A friend helps Doras escape the King of Jupiter. Other planets sign a Peace Treaty with Rostoria where he gets Saturn and Pluto. But Doras frowns. He wants Nyla back, but with no one to plead with, the former Prince of Pluto will have to lead the battle against the King of Jupiter.

 

Sorry: I could not read through the previous two paragraphs. It's too detailed (victory dance, frowns, ice beam), in contrast to previous paragraphs. There is too much going on, you give a blow-by-blow description of a battle, and that's not what a query needs. 

Jupiter's Ambition capitalize the book's name is Young-Adult/Children's pick one  Sci-Fi/Fantasy pick one novel they know it's a novel and not a poem--this is a pet peeve for many agents complete at **** words.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. As per the requirements mentioned in your website, I've pasted the first three chapters of the manuscript to this email. They know what their requirements are, you just have to follow them, you don't have to announce when you do so. 

 

 

Regards,

 

You have work to do. query writing is a separate genre. You may have a good book, but that does not mean your query will turn out just as good on a first, or a second, or a tenth try. First, start with a hook. Right now, even your MC does not care in the first lines. Then describe a dilemma he faces. What are the stakes? What bad thing will happen if he chooses X? What worse thing will happen if he chooses Y? Why should we care? Your MC is not looking attractive: a limp wimp who runs to his auntie and hopes she can fight his fight for him, then watching from a distance as she gets frozen to death. WTH? Make him someone interesting--not necessarily good, but interesting, intriguing, captivating.

Good luck.

It's not easy, but it gets better!

 

I would be grateful for help with mine:

 

http://agentquerycon...st-13/?p=348641







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