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Help with a weird sounding sentence


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#1 edo14

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 05:02 PM

Hello, forum!

 

Like the title says, I have a sentence in the beginning of a story I'm writing... And it sounds wrong, (to me, no one has actually told me that is wrong...but I keep looking at it and something seems off) but I can't figure out WHY it sounds wrong. 

 

Here's the sentence:

 

"The soft clicking of the seconds melding with the hypnotic flickering of the torches produced a drowse-inducing aura around the place; Jane loved it."

 

A little context: Jane is inside a tower with a huge clock on the top floor, the clicking refers to that.

 

My question is: it's actually wrong somehow, hard to understand or poorly worded? or is it just me? 

 

Thanks in advance for your help!



#2 scb3

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 01:29 AM

HMM. The base of it isn't bad at all! But I see what you mean about it sounding wrong.

 

The semi-colon might be messing with the rhythm. If you simply connect the two sentences, it becomes:

 

"The soft clicking of the seconds melding with the hypnotic flickering of the torches produced a drowse-inducing aura around the place Jane loved."

 

"Drowse-inducing" might be too long a phrase in an already long sentence, so what if you shortened it to drowsy? I'm also unconvinced you need the phrase "around the place".

 

"The soft clicking of the seconds melding with the hypnotic flickering of the torches produced a drowsy aura Jane loved."

 

I DID also wonder if fiddling with your tenses would do anything:

 

A) "The soft clicking of the seconds melded with the hypnotic flickering of the torches, producing a drowsy aura Jane loved."

 
B) "The soft clicking of the seconds melded with the hypnotic flickering of the torches to produce a drowsy aura Jane loved."
 
These are just me fiddling, and obviously you can take the edits or leave them, but I hope they at least help serve as a good place to start!


#3 mwsinclair

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 11:43 AM

The issue is in the gerunds. Also, since I tend toward being literal, I'd also say that seconds aren't ticking; the clock is. That said, of the two versions scb3 provided, I'd lean toward A.

 

I would also find a way to show how Jane loved what was happening.

 

Perhaps something along this line...

Jane struggled against the comforting drowsiness she felt as the soft clicking of the clock melded with the hypnotic flickering of the torches.



#4 Michael Steven

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 01:51 PM

I agree with what MWSinclair said about the clicking was actually the mechanism and not the seconds.  I also agree with showing her emotion rather than simply telling it.  To do the telling would require reworking the entire effect on her.  What I see as the main culprit of the sentence, though, is your use of -ing verbs.  They tend to weaken rather than enhance unless used specifically for their purpose -- extending an action to an indefinite duration.

Example: Someone can be breathing (indefinite) or take a breath (fixed) but to say "the breathing was stopping" is a misuse of an -ing verb.  You stop or you don't. Stopping isn't indefinite.

The soft clicking of the seconds melding with the hypnotic flickering of the torches produced a drowse-inducing aura around the place; Jane loved it.

As to the sentence, the clicking can be indefinite as can the flickering.  Melding and drowse-inducing should be more in the moment.

The soft clicking of the gears melded with the hypnotic flicker of the torches to produce an aura of drowsiness.  Jane sighed as the effect soothed her.


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#5 RSMellette

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Posted 29 June 2017 - 11:56 PM

yep... it's the gerunds.


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by R.S. Mellette

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#6 Jrax16

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Posted 26 August 2017 - 06:40 PM

Maybe this:

 

"Jane fell into a drowsy enjoyment of the soft clicking gears melded with the hypnotic flickering of the torches."



#7 aki33

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Posted Today, 05:28 AM

What about this:

 

Soft ticking of the clock melded with the hypnotic flickering of torches produced a drowse-inducing aura around the place; Jane loved it

 

I think there are also too many the's. Well, personally I make mistakes with articles too; still, I took the liberty of deleting some of them






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