critique me, and I'll brutally critique you. lol That's exactly what I need. Brutal. XD (But to get brutal, I must be brutal myself. : P)
Dear agent's name,
As a master of the magical arts, Jesse Demir, has turned his talents to Hollywood. (It already sounds great. Just don't make the first sentence too long; that'll overwhelm the agent.) He gives creative advice on
the kinds of horror movies that you can’t watch sober. Selling out isn’t as glamorous as monster slaying, but the pay is good, and the free coffee is even better.
But when a demon appears on the set of Jesse's
Christmas horror flick, “Ho Ho Hell 2,” the wizard (What wizard? Is Jesse the wizard?) is pulled back into the chaotic world of the occult (What's the occult? Where is it? Parallel universe or so?). As a sorcerer (Does sorcerer = wizard? If not, who's the wizard?), Jesse makes deals with supernatural entities he thinks he’ll never have to pay back (Watch tenses. Also, what deal?). With a mysterious witch summoning his demonic creditor, Jesse must find the sorceress and banish her demon, or he forfeits his soul. (Explain more. Where did the witch come from? How did Jesse find out about the witch? Is the witch a sorceress? Keep the same terms. If they're witches, call them witches. If they're sorcerers, call them sorcerers. Not both, because that makes me think there's more characters. "Summoning" says she hasn't summoned the demon yet and "banish her demon" makes me think she already did summon the demon. Which is it? - Why would he have to forfeit his soul?) That is, assuming he still has one.
To get an extension on his debt (Wait. We're back to the deals? I thought we were on the witch. Is the deals and the witch connected?),
lone-wolf Jesse takes on an apprentice. Unfortunately, his new apprentice, Donny, is an awkward teen more concerned with getting a date than getting a wand. (lol) Struggling to be a mentor and hunt ing the black witch (Wait. Now it's a black witch? Is this the same witch as before?), Jesse turns to “A Practitioner's Guide” for help, a compilation of tips and tricks to make it as a sorcerer when the chips are down. The last part kind of turned the plot down a few notches. I thought it was about to talk about some serious decision Jesse would have to make, not a book. I'd change that part to match the tone. If you don't change that part, add "which is" after "help,".
On this noir (noir? Do you mean black?) romp (romp? Do you mean ramp?) through the supernatural underbelly of Los Angeles, the duo meets modern werewolves, wiccans, nosferatu, and terrifying ghouls. And doves. There are lots of doves. If you fix the last half of the last sentence to the paragraph before, that's where you should end your query. This paragraph doesn't add anything for me. If anything at all, it makes me lose all the intensity from the paragraph before.
A PRACTITIONER’S GUIDE TO LOVE AND MAGICK is an
new adult urban fantasy novel ("fantasy novel" is a phrase that can land you straight into the rejection pile. Just saying. I know an agent who won't accept anything with that phrase.) complete at 75,000 words. Picture Blackmoore's “Dead Things” meets “A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,” with a sprinkle of “Fight Club” on top. That last sentence sounds too unprofessional to me. Also, what if the agent doesn't know all those things? Like I only know one of them well. I don't know what Blackmoore's is at all.
I currently study at Cornell University, with a focus on creative writing. Please enjoy my first [xx] pages. Giving where you study, doesn't add anything to the query. If you add something, say where you work as a writer or editor, or perhaps mention some of your published pieces. Nothing else. Don't say "please enjoy" because that sounds weird. Perhaps just say "I attached ___ to this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon."
Overall, I know that's a lot of red, but your novel sounds interesting. : ) Just a few more touch ups and I think you'll be good to go. You can do it!