If you want comments on the query you'll have to post it in the query forum :)
In a world where magic is cursed and the gods are dying, MOWRO, the immortal Grey Lord, sees his chance. He’ll cover everything in the blood and ashes of all who oppose him. Is magic literally cursed, or do you mean illegal? So is the Grey Lord also a god? His chance to what -- world dominion?
It’s STAMM’s 20th birthday, and he dreams of making a name for himself beyond his grubby mountain village. However, he and with his blond haired younger brother KERION are shepherds, stuck in Goldome, until they’ve squeezed their father for the cash he owes them. Huh, interesting. I like "grubby mountain village."
That night, a wolf- pack kills Stamm's sheep and rips the life out of Kerion. Surrounded by snarling beasts in the dark, Stamm has a vision of ancient times. Then the pack leader bites him and someone knocks him out. So Kerion is dead? Just hard to tell if you're being literal there or figurative. By vision of ancient times, what do you mean? He suddenly sees the gods in their former glory, etc?
Stamm awakes days later with a festering wound. His rescuers, a dark haired scholar named NAYVEE, and WUDNON, her black male apprentice, take the shepherd to a dragon. It recognizes an ancient power in Stamm, before using the last of its magic to heal him, turning itself into a petrified corpse. Oh my. Is healing the dragon's job? Otherwise why would it be willing to die in order to save Stamm? Something of the pack leader remains in Stamm. He longs to hunt the beast, but instead becomes Nayvee’s apprentice, to learn of the power hidden inside him. Your sentence structure is pretty uniform. You might want to consider mixing up length, syntax etc to make for more interesting reading.
Stamm’s apprenticeship ends when seven of Mowro’s witches assault Nayvee. She wins the magical battle, but at a horrific price in lost memory. With her disguise gone, she reveals her true self, the queen of the gods, BLUE, and turns to stone. But first she sends her two apprentices to Livreshia, wisdom’s city. They must find YELLOW, the lost king of the gods, and mankind’s last hope against Mowro. Cool plot twist! So is there a battle going on between the gods and Grey Lord? That should definitely be stated clearly at the beginning.
In Livreshia’s library, with the city burning and Mowro’s soldiers slaughtering everyone, Stamm first recognizes DESTINY’s call, but it’s too late. A voice he’s always had in his head becomes audible, until the wolf, in human guise, kills a young woman. Laughing, he saying he’s freed Stamm from Destiny’s grasp. The voice in Stamm’s mind is silenced, and for the first time he is alone, with the wolf clawing at the edges of his mind. Stamm realizes the struggle for his soul mirrors the one for the world, and he must win both. He and Wudnon flee the city with a few survivors, including a beauty named VALIKRAN, who Stamm can’t take his eyes off. Injured and lost, they escape into the night. I think you've got way too many names introduced right now. I've read that five names max is typical for a synopsis, so you want to really distill it down to who's necessary. Is Destiny a god? Or are you just using the expression destiny's call?
They flee to the silver-skinned woodland folk love it, whose queen
, WRINELNO, knows nothing of Yellow, or the power in Stamm, and gives no military aid. She tells of the Grey Lord, and a way to defeat his army. Mowro is paranoid, having suffered countless defeats at the hands of the gods. He has four additional armies, like the one decimating Stamm’s land, but won’t commit until he is assured he can annihilate his enemies many times over. Therein lies hope. Stamm must unite his people and strike back, like a ghost in the night, chilling the enemy’s fervor and sending a cold message to paranoid Mowro. This is getting hard to follow, so I just cut some phrases as a suggestion for keeping things clear.
Stamm takes charge in a northern stronghold, but when the tattered remains of his army returns
from their first foray, on his and Valikran’s wedding night, their end is upon them. A messenger from Queen Wrinelno confirms it. Mowro’s five armies now unite. All who can carry a weapon must oppose him on the odd chance they can destroy Mowro's newfound courage.
Outnumbered and exhausted, Stamm and Wrinelno prepare for battle. A spy tells Stamm the wolf-spirit hides at the enemy’s rear. So it was a spirit not a literal wolf?
No one understands that Stamm’s fight is with the wolf. Before he can ride in pursuit, the legendary CHRONOLOGUE, neither good nor evil, distributes enchanted weapons to those with Stamm and Wrinelno. Armed with hope, the queen strikes Mowro’s front, while Stamm circles the enemy encampment. Mowro loses heart, but his retreat blocks Stamm’s way. In single combat, Stamm slays the Grey Lord, even as the long-silent voice in his head shrieks “NO!” Mortals cannot kill immortals without themselves becoming what they kill. The battle is won, but the wolf lives and Stamm’s only hope lies at death’s portal on the mythical isle, Abibel, in the western sea. Again, there's a ton going on here and it's hard to follow. I think (though I could be wrong) you're including too much plot minutiae; highlight the pivotal moments as if you were making a basic outline.
After a perilous voyage, Stamm awakes, healed. He and his rejoicing friends climb toward Abibel's wondrous portal. The voice in Stamm’s head now rings in his ears from the other side of Death’s Door. I know you mentioned the voice before, but if it's not important you should leave it out; if it is, bring it up and explain it towards the beginning.
There stands the spirit of the woman the wolf killed in Livreshia. She says, nothing is as it seems. He wasn’t destined to kill the Grey Lord, and Stamm's men should have lost. Yet there is hope, for now he will sleep on death’s doorstep until the cycle of eons repeats and evil once again rises to strike down all that is good. Oh dear! What do you mean by sleep on death's doorstep?
I hope all my comments don't seem overwhelming! I think getting the rough draft down is the hardest part and you're past that, so keep it up :) I'd appreciate any thoughts on my synopsis for TO SAIL THE STARS!