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When Stars are Stolen: YA Sci-fi/fantasy

Science Fiction Young Adult Fantasy Adventure Romance

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#1 bkarperien

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Posted 10 July 2017 - 02:24 PM

Newest version in post #9. Will happily return the favour!

 

Ever since the Heart was stolen and their planet destroyed, the Kish have been scorned by the rest of the galaxy. Now, the people of this once-powerful, telekinetic race live as nomads, dreaming of the day when the Heart of Kish is found and they can return home.

AWILDA KOREEN, a seventeen-year-old Kish alone in space after her parents’ murder, longs to find a home on solid ground where she’ll have room to grieve. When a small mistake gets Awilda locked in a prison cell with her ship confiscated, she’s ready to give up on life. But RAZIN GALRIO, an infamous twenty-year-old pirate and captain of a massive fleet, offers Awilda rescue and riches, claiming he needs her telekinesis for a heist. Awilda declines, preferring prison to a ship full of strangers—criminals, no less. Refusing to take no for an answer, the pirates kidnap her.

On their ship, the Ammari, Awilda meets the rest of the crew, including VINNA, a wise young healer, who tries to no avail to make Awilda feel welcome. When the ship stops at a station for supplies, Awilda’s cat Zusa escapes. While searching for her, Awilda discovers Razin’s secret: his family was murdered, much like her own. Her perception of him as a cold, ruthless criminal changes when she sees his loyalty to their memory. They are interrupted by soldiers from THRAXA, a power-hungry tycoon who’s after the same treasure they are. The pirates escape, but Zusa is left behind. When Awilda panics over losing the only thing she has left of her parents, Razin risks his life to retrieve Zusa, earning Awilda’s trust and gratitude. Razin reveals that this heist is about more than just money; it’s about justice, and revenge. Feeling she owes him, Awilda agrees to help, becoming a full-fledged, if only temporary, member of the crew.

As the pirates travel towards their target, Vinna helps Awilda strengthen her telekinetic powers. Awilda grows closer to the crew, and begins to develop feelings for Razin, though she is afraid to reveal them. When Thraxa locates the Ammari, her army of cyborgs attacks. Realizing that these mindless soldiers were once Kish, Awilda believes that not only their mission, but her people are in danger. The crew manages to escape, but the race for the treasure is on. Curious why Thraxa wants it so badly, Awilda questions the nature of the treasure they seek, but Razin claims that whoever hired him for this job is very secretive.

When Awilda and the crew reach their destination, the planet Garivald, they take a small team to the surface in disguise. Their plan to steal the treasure runs smoothly, until Razin discovers that his sister, whom he believed dead, was raised by the man who murdered his family. Razin tries to bring her with them, but she resists, having been too young to remember what happened. The plan goes awry, and Awilda pushes her powers to the limit in order to save them. When Awilda reaches the treasure, she recognizes it as the Heart of Kish, and is overwhelmed by her discovery. The pirates escape with the Heart and the princess, but one of their crew, with whom Awilda has grown close, is captured.

With the power of the Heart, which amplifies her telekinetic abilities, Awilda is determined to confront Thraxa, and go back to save her captured crewmate, who faces certain death. But Razin stops her, explaining that if he loses the Heart, his reputation will be ruined, and he fears his employer will kill him. Swayed by her growing affection, Awilda hands over the Heart. But when they encounter a stretch of space littered with the corpses of Kish children, the wreckage of a dozen Kish ships left in Thraxa’s wake, Awilda has no choice but to betray Razin. However, before facing Thraxa, she is determined to rescue their crewmate, whose time is running out. She steals the Heart, and flees with Vinna’s help, bringing Razin’s sister, whom they plan to exchange for their captured crewmate.

Upon reaching Garivald, they find it under attack by Thraxa, who came looking for the Heart. A simple exchange no longer an option, they fight their way to the surface. As Thraxa tortures their crewmate, Awilda battles cyborgs, forced to kill her own people. When they reach Thraxa, Awilda faces her, using the Heart to amplify her abilities. But Thraxa, who has similar powers, is stronger. With Awilda weak, exhausted, and hopeless, Thraxa reveals her intention to annihilate the Kish and use the Heart to take over the galaxy. All seems lost, until Razin shows up, having chosen Awilda and his sister over his reputation and safety. Determined to protect him and her friends, she musters the strength to overpower Thraxa, but is unable to save Vinna, who sacrifices herself for Razin. Moments later, they are transported onto the Ammari and flee as the pirate fleet, which Razin had originally hoped to use to destroy Garivald, descends upon Thraxa’s ships.  

With Thraxa’s army decimated, the Kish are no longer in immediate danger, but it is clear that as long as Thraxa lives, they are not safe. Awilda resolves to become strong enough to overpower Thraxa, but knows she can’t do it alone. Razin, deeply impacted by Vinna’s sacrifice, swears to destroy Thraxa. With the support of the pirates, she plans to one day return and defeat Thraxa once and for all, then take the Heart to Kish and restore her people’s home. Saddened by Vinna’s death, but hopeful for the future, Awilda has found the home she was looking for among the pirates, and devotes herself to saving her people. 

 

Note: This is the first in a trilogy.


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#2 Sreid

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 04:24 AM

Hi bkarperien,

 

I like your story and, for the most part, your synopsis. It could do with some tightening at places (for which I give suggestions) as well as white spaces between paragraphs for readability.

I HATE SYNOPSES.....

Does this make any sense? Hellllp.

Will return the favor. After I stop banging my head on the desk and get a nice cup of a tea.

 

 

Ever since the Heart was stolen and their planet destroyed, the Kish have been scorned by the rest of the galaxy. Now, the people of this once-powerful, telekinetic race live as nomads, dreaming of the day when the Heart of Kish is found and they can return home. Might I suggest tightening this up as follows? Forced to live as the galaxy's most scorned nomads, the once powerful telekenetics, the Kish, dream of restoring their honour and finding the Heart, the essence of their destroyed planet.

 

AWILDA KOREEN, a seventeen-year-old Kish alone in space after her parents’ murder, longs to find a home on solid ground where she’ll have room to grieve. When a small mistake gets Awilda and her cat locked in a prison cell with her ship confiscated, she’s ready to give up on life. But RAZIN GALRIO, an infamous twenty-year-old (I'm sorry, but I just don't see a twenty-year-old being an infamous pirate with a massive fleet. Infamy takes a lot off effort and time. It'll be an uphill battle for you to convince me otherwise. Might I be so bold as to suggest you consider making him older--perhaps thirty-five--or maybe the son and heir of the infamous pirate fleet's recently deceased captain? That I would buy.) pirate and captain of a massive fleet, offers Awilda rescue and riches How, when she's locked in prison? Is he a fellow prisoner?, claiming he needs her telekinesis for a heist. Awilda declines, preferring prison to a ship full of strangers—criminals, no less. Refusing to take no for an answer, the pirates kidnap(s) her.

 

On their his ship, the Ammari, Awilda meets the rest of the crew, including VINNA, a wise young healer, who tries to no avail to make Awilda feel welcome. When the ship stops at a station for supplies, Awilda’s cat Zusa Zusa is a minor character and need not be named in my opinion. escapes. While searching for her, Awilda discovers Razin’s secret: his family was murdered, much like her own. Her perception of him as a cold, ruthless criminal changes when she sees his loyalty to their memory.

 

New paragraph. They pirates are interrupted by soldiers from THRAXA, a power-hungry female tycoon who’s after the same treasure they are. The(y) pirates escape, but Zusa Awilda's cat is left behind. When Awilda panics over losing the only thing she has left of her parents, Razin risks his life to retrieve Zusa her, earning Awilda’s trust and gratitude. Razin reveals that this heist is about more than just money; it’s about justice, and revenge. Feeling she owes him, Awilda agrees to help, becoming a full-fledged, if only temporary, member of the crew.

As the pirates travel towards their target, Vinna helps Awilda strengthen her telekinetic powers. Awilda grows closer to the crew, and begins to develop(s) feelings for Razin, though which she is afraid to dare not reveal them.

 

New paragraph. (T)hen Thraxa locates the Ammari, and her cyborg-army of cyborgs attacks. Realizing that these mindless soldiers were once Kish, Awilda believes that knows not only their mission, but her people are in danger. The crew manages to escape(s), but the race for the treasure is on. Curious why Thraxa wants it so badly, Awilda questions the nature of the treasure they seek their intended booty, but Razin claims that whoever hired him for this job is very secretive.

 

When Awilda and the crew the pirates reach their destination, the planet Garivald, they take a small team descends to the surface in disguise. Their plan to steal the treasure runs smoothly, until Razin discovers that his sister, whom he believed dead, was raised by the man who murdered his family. Razin tries to bring her with them, but she resists, having been too young to remember what happened. The plan goes awry, and Awilda pushes her powers to the limit in order to while sav(ing) them. When Awilda reaches is overwhelmed when she discovers the treasure, she recognizes it as is the Heart of Kish, and is overwhelmed by her discovery. The pirates escape with the Heart it and the princess Razin's sisterWho is the princess? I guess it's Razin's sister, but calling her a princess makes either Razin a prince (and probably heir-apparent to some throne), or the killer of Razin's parents a king. That's a bit much to explain in a synopsis, so I'd refrain from calling her princess., but one of their crew, with whom Awilda has grown close, is captured.

 

 

With The power of the Heart, which amplifies her Awilda's telekinetic abilities, and Awilda she is determine(s) to confront Thraxa, and go back to save her rescue the captured crewmate, who faces from certain death. B, but Razin stops her,(.) explaining that If he loses the Heart, his reputation will be ruined, and he fears his employer will kill him. Swayed by her growing affection, Awilda hands over the Heart. But when they encounter a stretch of space littered with the corpses of Kish children, and the wreckage of a dozen Kish ships left in Thraxa’s wake, Awilda has no choice but to betray Razin. However, before facing Thraxa, But first, she is determine(s) to rescue their captured crewmate, whose time is running out. She steals the Heart, and flees with Vinna’s help, bringing Razin’s sister, whom they plan to exchange for their captured crewmate as a ransom.

 

 

Upon reaching Garivald, they find it is under attack by Thraxa, who came looking for the Heart. A With a simple exchange no longer an option, they fight their way to the surface. As Thraxa tortures their crewmate, Awilda battles cyborgs, forced to kill her own people. When they reach Thraxa, Awilda faces her, using the Heart to amplify her abilities. But Thraxa, who has similar powers, is stronger. With Awilda weak, exhausted, and hopeless, Thraxa reveals her intention to enslave and annihilate the Kish and use the Heart to take over the galaxy. All seems lost, until Razin shows up, having chosen choosing Awilda and his sister over his reputation and safety. Determined to protect him and her friends, she musters the strength to overpower Thraxa, but is unable to cannot save Vinna, who sacrifices herself for Razin. Moments later, they are transported onto the Ammari and flee as the pirate fleet, which Razin had originally hoped to use to destroy Garivald, descends upon Thraxa’s ships.  

 

With Thraxa’s army decimated, the Kish are no longer in immediate danger, but it is clear that as long as Thraxa lives, they are not safe. Awilda resolves to become strong enough to overpower Thraxa, but knows she can’t do it alone. Razin, deeply impacted by Vinna’s sacrifice, swears to destroy Thraxa. With the support of the pirates, she plans to one day return and defeat Thraxa once and for all, then take the Heart to Kish and restore her people’s home. Saddened by Vinna’s death, but hopeful for the future, Awilda has found the home she was looking for among the pirates, and devotes herself to saving her people. 

 

Note: This is the first in a trilogy.

I enjoyed reading this and hope my humble opinions were helpful. If so, please take a look at my synopsis and tell me what you think (http://agentquerycon...-all-critiques/).



#3 bkarperien

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 08:16 AM

Thank you Sreid, for some very helpful suggestions! Just so you know, you hit the nail on the head about Razin, he is precisely that, the adopted son of the fleet's recently deceased captain. While this certainly lends him more credibility, I don't know that I should include it in the synopsis? I'll see. Thanks again!

 

Hi bkarperien,

 

I like your story and, for the most part, your synopsis. It could do with some tightening at places (for which I give suggestions) as well as white spaces between paragraphs for readability.

I enjoyed reading this and hope my humble opinions were helpful. If so, please take a look at my synopsis and tell me what you think (http://agentquerycon...-all-critiques/).

 

 


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#4 bkarperien

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Posted 11 July 2017 - 09:18 AM

Version two:

 

Forced to live as the galaxy's most scorned nomads, a once powerful telekinetic race, the Kish, dream of restoring their honour and finding the Heart, the essence of their destroyed planet.

 

AWILDA KOREEN, a seventeen-year-old Kish alone in space after her parents’ murder, longs to find a home on solid ground where she’ll have room to grieve. When a small mistake gets Awilda and her cat locked in a prison cell with her ship confiscated, she’s ready to give up on life. But RAZIN GALRIO, an twenty-year-old pirate who inherited command of a massive fleet, visits to offer Awilda rescue and riches, claiming he needs her telekinesis for a heist. Awilda declines, preferring prison to a ship full of strangers—criminals, no less. Refusing to take no for an answer, the pirate kidnaps her.

 

On their ship, the Ammari, Awilda meets the rest of the crew, including VINNA, a wise young healer, who tries to no avail to make Awilda feel welcome. When the ship stops at a station for supplies, Awilda’s cat escapes. While searching for her, Awilda discovers Razin’s secret: his family was murdered, much like her own. Her perception of him as a cold, ruthless criminal changes when she sees his loyalty to their memory.

 

The pirates are interrupted by soldiers from THRAXA, a power-hungry tycoon who’s after the same treasure they are. They escape, but the cat is left behind. When Awilda panics over losing the only thing she has left of her parents, Razin risks his life to retrieve her cat, earning Awilda’s trust and gratitude. Razin reveals that this heist is about more than just money; it’s about justice, and revenge. Feeling she owes him, Awilda agrees to help, becoming a temporary member of the crew.

 

As the pirates travel towards their target, Vinna helps Awilda strengthen her telekinetic powers. Awilda grows closer to the crew, and develops feelings for Razin, though she dare not reveal them.

 

Then Thraxa locates the Ammari, and her army of cyborgs attacks. Realizing that these mindless soldiers were once Kish, Awilda knows that not only their mission, but her people are in danger. The crew manages to escape, but the race for the treasure is on. Awilda questions the treasure’s nature, but is given little information.

 

When the pirates reach their destination, the planet Garivald, a small team descends to the surface in disguise. Their plan runs smoothly, until Razin discovers that his sister, whom he believed dead, was raised by the man who murdered his family. Razin tries to bring her with them, but she resists, having been too young to remember what happened. The plan goes awry, and Awilda pushes her powers to the limit saving them. Awilda is overwhelmed when she discovers the treasure is the Heart of Kish. The pirates escape with the Heart and Razin’s sister, but one of their crew, with whom Awilda has grown close, is captured.

 

With the Heart, which amplifies Awilda’s telekinetic abilities, she is determined to save her captured crewmate from certain death and confront Thraxa, but Razin stops her. If he loses the Heart, his reputation will be ruined, and his employer will kill him. Swayed by affection, Awilda hands over the Heart. But when they encounter a stretch of space littered with the corpses of Kish children, and the wreckage of a dozen Kish ships left in Thraxa’s wake, Awilda has no choice but to betray Razin. However, before facing Thraxa, she is determined to rescue their crewmate, whose time is running out. She steals the Heart, and flees with Vinna’s help, bringing Razin’s sister as ransom.

 

Garivald is under attack by Thraxa, who came looking for the Heart. With a prisoner exchange no longer an option, they fight their way to the surface. As Thraxa tortures their crewmate, Awilda battles cyborgs, forced to kill her own people. When they reach Thraxa, Awilda faces her, using the Heart to amplify her abilities. But Thraxa, who has similar powers, is stronger. With Awilda weak, exhausted, and hopeless, Thraxa reveals her intention to enslave and annihilate the Kish and use the Heart to take over the galaxy. All seems lost, until Razin shows up, choosing Awilda and his sister over his reputation and safety. Determined to protect him and her friends, she musters the strength to overpower Thraxa, but cannot save Vinna, who sacrifices herself for Razin. Moments later, they are transported onto the Ammari and flee as the pirate fleet, with which Razin had originally meant to destroy Garivald, descends upon Thraxa’s ships. 

 

With Thraxa’s army decimated, the Kish are no longer in immediate danger, but as long as Thraxa lives, they are not safe. Awilda resolves to become strong enough to overpower Thraxa, but knows she can’t do it alone. Razin, deeply impacted by Vinna’s sacrifice, swears to destroy Thraxa. With the support of the pirates, Awilda plans to one day return and defeat Thraxa once and for all, then take the Heart to Kish and restore her people’s home. Saddened by Vinna’s death, but hopeful for the future, Awilda has found the home she was looking for among the pirates, and devotes herself to saving her people. 


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#5 TheBest

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 12:04 PM

Forced to live as the galaxy's most scorned nomads, a once powerful telekinetic race, the Kish, dream of restoring their honour and finding the Heart, the essence of their destroyed planet. (This sentence is too long and bulky to open with. It's clever, and I love the concept, but maybe split it in two.)

 

AWILDA KOREEN, a seventeen-year-old Kish alone in space after her parents’ murder, longs to find a home on solid ground where she’ll have room to grieve. When a small mistake gets Awilda and her cat locked in a prison cell with her ship confiscated, she’s ready to give up on life. But RAZIN GALRIO, an twenty-year-old pirate who inherited command of a massive fleet, visits to offer Awilda rescue and riches, claiming he needs her telekinesis for a heist. Awilda declines, preferring prison to a ship full of strangers—criminals, no less. Refusing to take no for an answer, the pirate kidnaps her. (This pulls me in!)

 

On their ship, the Ammari, Awilda meets the rest of the crew, including VINNA, a wise young healer, who tries to no avail to make Awilda feel welcome. When the ship stops at a station for supplies, Awilda’s cat escapes. While searching for her, Awilda discovers Razin’s secret: his family was murdered, much like her own. Her perception of him as a cold, ruthless criminal changes when she sees his loyalty to their memory. (I sense chemistry...)

 

The pirates are interrupted by soldiers from THRAXA, a power-hungry tycoon who’s after the same treasure they are. They escape, but the cat is left behind. When Awilda panics over losing the only thing she has left of her parents, Razin risks his life to retrieve her cat, earning Awilda’s trust and gratitude. Razin reveals that this heist is about more than just money; it’s about justice, and revenge. Feeling she owes him, Awilda agrees to help, becoming a temporary member of the crew.

(This is interesting! I'd love if you included a little more about the cat earlier though, and maybe even tie it in.)

 

As the pirates travel towards their target, Vinna helps Awilda strengthen her telekinetic powers. Awilda grows closer to the crew, and develops feelings for Razin, though she dare not reveal them.

 

Then Thraxa locates the Ammari, and her army of cyborgs attacks. Realizing that these mindless soldiers were once Kish, Awilda knows that not only their mission, but her people are in danger. The crew manages to escape, but the race for the treasure is on. Awilda questions the treasure’s nature, but is given little information.

 

When the pirates reach their destination, the planet Garivald, a small team descends to the surface in disguise. Their plan runs smoothly, until Razin discovers that his sister, whom he believed dead, was raised by the man who murdered his family. Razin tries to bring her with them, but she resists, having been too young to remember what happened. The plan goes awry, and Awilda pushes her powers to the limit saving them. Awilda is overwhelmed when she discovers the treasure is the Heart of Kish. The pirates escape with the Heart and Razin’s sister, but one of their crew, with whom Awilda has grown close, is captured. (One of their crew? Maybe be more specific. You've got a lot of details that you could take out to include this.)

 

With the Heart, which amplifies Awilda’s telekinetic abilities, she is determined to save her captured crewmate from certain death and confront Thraxa, but Razin stops her. If he loses the Heart, his reputation will be ruined, and his employer will kill him. Swayed by affection, Awilda hands over the Heart. But when they encounter a stretch of space littered with the corpses of Kish children, and the wreckage of a dozen Kish ships left in Thraxa’s wake, Awilda has no choice but to betray Razin. However, before facing Thraxa, she is determined to rescue their crewmate, whose time is running out. She steals the Heart, and flees with Vinna’s help, bringing Razin’s sister as ransom.

 

Garivald is under attack by Thraxa, who came looking for the Heart. With a prisoner exchange no longer an option, they fight their way to the surface. As Thraxa tortures their crewmate, Awilda battles cyborgs, forced to kill her own people. When they reach Thraxa, Awilda faces her, using the Heart to amplify her abilities. But Thraxa, who has similar powers, is stronger. With Awilda weak, exhausted, and hopeless, Thraxa reveals her intention to enslave and annihilate the Kish and use the Heart to take over the galaxy. All seems lost, until Razin shows up, choosing Awilda and his sister over his reputation and safety. Determined to protect him and her friends, she musters the strength to overpower Thraxa, but cannot save Vinna, who sacrifices herself for Razin. Moments later, they are transported onto the Ammari and flee as the pirate fleet, with which Razin had originally meant to destroy Garivald, descends upon Thraxa’s ships. 

 

With Thraxa’s army decimated, the Kish are no longer in immediate danger, but as long as Thraxa lives, they are not safe. Awilda resolves to become strong enough to overpower Thraxa, but knows she can’t do it alone. Razin, deeply impacted by Vinna’s sacrifice, swears to destroy Thraxa. With the support of the pirates, Awilda plans to one day return and defeat Thraxa once and for all, then take the Heart to Kish and restore her people’s home. Saddened by Vinna’s death, but hopeful for the future, Awilda has found the home she was looking for among the pirates, and devotes herself to saving her people. 

 

I LOVE THIS SYNOPSIS! Everything clicked with me. However, it's not so much the voice, but the plot itself that pulled me in. Maybe add a little humor and tone to spice things up. Also, a few details can be added in to make things flow better. Trouble is, now I really want to read this. Could I maybe get a peek? I want to see how your novel compares to the synopsis.

 

Good luck!



#6 bkarperien

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 06:23 PM

Thanks for your inputs, TheBest! You live up to your username! You're totally right about voice. I made a few tweaks. How's this?

Latest version:

 

Once a powerful telekinetic race, the Kish are now the galaxy’s most scorned nomads. Scattered in ships across the stars, they dream of restoring their honour and finding the Heart, the essence of their destroyed planet.

 

AWILDA KOREEN, a seventeen-year-old Kish alone in space after her parents’ murder, is desperate for a home on solid ground, where she’ll have room to grieve. When she makes the tiny mistake of assaulting a security officer who threatened to eat her cat, she gets thrown into a prison cell. With no hope for escape, she’s ready to give up on life. But RAZIN GALRIO, a twenty-year-old pirate who inherited command of a massive fleet, visits to offer rescue and riches, claiming he needs her telekinesis for a heist. Awilda, preferring prison to a ship full of strangers—criminals, no less—declines. Refusing to take no for an answer, Razin kidnaps her.

 

On their ship the Ammari, Awilda meets the rest of the crew, including VINNA, a sagacious young healer, and PIET, a wisecracking young gunslinger. They try to make Awilda feel welcome, but she has a very low opinion of pirates and kidnappers. And people in general. When the ship stops at a station for supplies, Awilda’s cat escapes. While searching for her, Awilda discovers Razin’s secret: his family was murdered, much like her own. Her perception of him as a cold, ruthless criminal changes when she sees his loyalty to their memory.

 

They are interrupted by soldiers from THRAXA, a power-hungry tycoon after the same treasure as Razin. They escape, but the cat is left behind. When Awilda panics over losing the only thing she has left of her parents, Razin risks his life to retrieve her cat, earning Awilda’s trust and gratitude. He reveals that this heist is about more than just money: it’s about justice, and revenge. Feeling she owes him, Awilda agrees to help, becoming a temporary member of the crew. As the pirates travel towards their target, Vinna helps Awilda strengthen her telekinetic powers, and Piet encourages her to socialize. Awilda grows closer to the crew, and develops feelings for Razin, though she dare not reveal them.

 

Then Thraxa locates the Ammari, and her army of cyborgs attacks. Realizing that these mindless soldiers were once Kish, Awilda knows that not only their mission, but her people are in danger. The crew manages to escape, but the race for the treasure is on. Awilda questions the treasure’s nature, but is given little information, their mission veiled in secrecy.

 

When the pirates reach their destination, the planet Garivald, a small team descends to the surface in disguise. Their plan runs smoothly, until Razin discovers that his sister, whom he believed dead, was raised by the man who murdered his family. Razin tries to bring her with them, sending the plan awry, and Awilda pushes her powers to the limit saving them. They reach the treasure, and she discovers that it is the long-lost Heart of Kish. The pirates escape with the Heart and Razin’s sister, but Piet is captured.

 

With the Heart, which amplifies Awilda’s telekinetic abilities, she is determined to save Piet from certain death, and to confront Thraxa. However, Razin stops her. If he loses the Heart, his reputation will be ruined, and his employer will kill him. Swayed by her love for him, Awilda hands over the Heart.

 

But when they encounter a stretch of space littered with the corpses of Kish children, and the wreckage of a dozen Kish ships left in Thraxa’s wake, Awilda has no choice but to betray Razin. Before facing Thraxa, she is determined to rescue Piet, before his time runs out. She steals the Heart, and flees with Vinna’s help, bringing Razin’s sister as ransom.

 

Awilda finds Garivald under attack by Thraxa, who came looking for the Heart. As Thraxa tortures Piet, Awilda battles cyborgs, forced to kill her own people. Upon reaching Thraxa, Awilda faces her, using the Heart to amplify her abilities. But Thraxa, who has similar powers, is stronger. With Awilda weak, exhausted, and hopeless, Thraxa reveals her intention to enslave and annihilate the Kish and use the Heart to take over the galaxy. All seems lost, until Razin shows up, choosing Awilda and his sister over his reputation and safety.

 

Determined to protect him and her friends, Awilda musters the strength to overpower Thraxa. However, she is too late to save Vinna, who sacrifices herself for Razin. Moments later, they are transported onto the Ammari and flee, as the pirate fleet, with which Razin had originally meant to destroy Garivald, descends upon Thraxa’s ships. 

 

With Thraxa’s army decimated, the Kish are no longer in immediate danger, but as long as Thraxa lives, they are not safe. Awilda resolves to become strong enough to overpower Thraxa, but knows she can’t do it alone. Razin, deeply impacted by Vinna’s sacrifice, swears to destroy Thraxa. With the support of the pirates, Awilda plans to one day return and defeat Thraxa once and for all, then take the Heart to Kish and restore her people’s home. Saddened by Vinna’s death, but hopeful for the future, Awilda has found the home she was looking for among the pirates, and devotes herself to saving her people. 


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#7 kailam

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Posted 21 July 2017 - 12:40 PM

This is looking pretty solid, so I don't have much to add, sounds like a great read!

I was curious about why Thraxa hates the Kish though. Is there a particular reason? Why does she want to enslave the galaxy? The rest of the characters' motivations are nuanced and come across well, but at the moment it feels like Thraxa's mainly being evil for the sake of being evil? It would be nice to get more of a sense of how she's reached the point she has? Does she think things would be better if she was in charge of i.e. enslaves the galaxy? Or does she just want to cause pain, and if so, why?
 

Thanks for your inputs, TheBest! You live up to your username! You're totally right about voice. I made a few tweaks. How's this?

Latest version:

 

Once a powerful telekinetic race, the Kish are now the galaxy’s most scorned nomads. Scattered in ships across the stars, they dream of restoring their honour and finding the Heart, the essence of their destroyed planet. Great opening! Concise, I get the setup.

 

AWILDA KOREEN, a seventeen-year-old Kish alone in space after her parents’ murder, is desperate for a home on solid ground, where she’ll have room to grieve. When she makes the tiny mistake of assaulting a security officer who threatened to eat her cat, she gets thrown into a prison cell. (Perfect! For this line alone, I would read it. Love it! Great sense of personality and voice.) With no hope for escape, she’s ready to give up on life. But RAZIN GALRIO, a twenty-year-old pirate who inherited command of a massive fleet, visits to offer rescue and riches, claiming he needs her telekinesis for a heist. Awilda, preferring prison to a ship full of strangers—criminals, no less—declines. Refusing to take no for an answer, Razin kidnaps her.

 

On their ship the Ammari, Awilda meets the rest of the crew, including VINNA, a sagacious young healer, and PIET, a wisecracking young gunslinger. They try to make Awilda feel welcome, but she has a very low opinion of pirates and kidnappers (<- Is there a better way of saying 'but she has a very'? Doesn't quite flow as well as the rest?). And people in general. When the ship stops at a station for supplies, Awilda’s cat escapes. While searching for her, Awilda discovers Razin’s secret: his family was murdered, much like her own. Her perception of him as a cold, ruthless criminal changes when she sees his loyalty to their memory.

 

They are interrupted by soldiers from THRAXA, a power-hungry tycoon after the same treasure as Razin (has he been employed to conduct the heist, or is this for himself?). They escape, but the cat is left behind. When Awilda panics over losing the only thing she has left of her parents, Razin risks his life to retrieve her cat, earning Awilda’s trust and gratitude. He reveals that this heist is about more than just money: it’s about justice, and revenge. Feeling she owes him, Awilda agrees to help, becoming a temporary member of the crew. As the pirates travel towards their target, Vinna helps Awilda strengthen her telekinetic powers, and Piet encourages her to socialize. Awilda grows closer to the crew, and develops feelings for Razin, though she dare not reveal them.

 

Then Thraxa locates the Ammari, and her army of cyborgs attacks. Realizing that these mindless soldiers were once Kish, Awilda knows that not only their mission, but her people are in danger. The crew manages to escape, but the race for the treasure is on. Awilda questions the treasure’s nature, but is given little information, their mission veiled in secrecy. (Questions who, the crew? How does she feel if her new friends don't trust her enough to give her details? Or is it being stolen for a buyer, and the crew don't know either?)

 

When the pirates reach their destination, the planet Garivald, a small team descends to the surface in disguise. Their plan runs smoothly, until Razin discovers that his sister, whom he believed dead, was raised by the man who murdered his family. Razin tries to bring her with them, sending the plan awry, and Awilda pushes her powers to the limit saving them. They reach the treasure, and she discovers that it is the long-lost Heart of Kish. The pirates escape with the Heart and Razin’s sister, but Piet is captured. (Nice, can feel stakes and action are amping up)

 

With the Heart, which amplifies Awilda’s telekinetic abilities, she is determined to save Piet from certain death, and to confront Thraxa. However, Razin stops her. If he loses the Heart, his reputation will be ruined, and his employer will kill him (ahah, so it is being stolen on behalf of someone else). Swayed by her love for him, Awilda hands over the Heart.

 

But when they encounter a stretch of space littered with the corpses of Kish children, and the wreckage of a dozen Kish ships left in Thraxa’s wake, Awilda has no choice but to betray Razin. Before facing Thraxa, she is determined to rescue Piet, before his time runs out. She steals the Heart, and flees with Vinna’s help, bringing Razin’s sister as ransom.

 

Awilda finds Garivald under attack by Thraxa, who came looking for the Heart. As Thraxa tortures Piet, Awilda battles cyborgs, forced to kill her own people. Upon reaching Thraxa, Awilda faces her, using the Heart to amplify her abilities. But Thraxa, who has similar powers, is stronger. With Awilda weak, exhausted, and hopeless, Thraxa reveals her intention to enslave and annihilate the Kish (why does she hate the Kish? If they're already nomadic, they're not standing her way of getting to the Heart, so there must be something else fueling this?) and use the Heart to take over the galaxy. All seems lost, until Razin shows up, choosing Awilda and his sister over his reputation and safety.

 

Determined to protect him and her friends, Awilda musters the strength to overpower Thraxa. However, she is too late to save Vinna, who sacrifices herself for Razin. Moments later, they are transported onto the Ammari and flee, as the pirate fleet, with which Razin had originally meant to destroy Garivald, descends upon Thraxa’s ships. 

 

With Thraxa’s army decimated, the Kish are no longer in immediate danger, but as long as Thraxa lives, they are not safe. Awilda resolves to become strong enough to overpower Thraxa, but knows she can’t do it alone. Razin, deeply impacted by Vinna’s sacrifice, swears to destroy Thraxa. With the support of the pirates, Awilda plans to one day return and defeat Thraxa once and for all, then take the Heart to Kish and restore her people’s home (is this the first in a series?). Saddened by Vinna’s death, but hopeful for the future, Awilda has found the home she was looking for among the pirates, and devotes herself to saving her people. 



#8 secondstar87

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Posted 21 July 2017 - 07:48 PM

AWILDA KOREEN, a seventeen-year-old Kish alone in space after her parents’ murder, is desperate for a home on solid ground, where she’ll have room to grieve. When she makes the tiny mistake of assaulting a security officer who threatened to eat her cat, she gets thrown into a prison cell. With no hope for escape, she’s ready to give up on life. But RAZIN GALRIO, a twenty-year-old pirate who inherited command of a massive fleet, visits to offer rescue and riches, claiming he needs her telekinesis for a heist. Awilda, preferring prison to a ship full of strangers—criminals, no less—declines. Refusing to take no for an answer, Razin kidnaps her. I like the voice here, and it's easy to follow :) You might want to include a brief explanation of what Kish are (aliens? from a specific planet?). I think you could also say "her parents murder BY... or BECAUSE OF..." I crossed out the part about the guard eating the cat because it just raised a lot of questions (why? what kind of creature is the guard?) that I don't think you'd want to delve into in the synopsis. 

 

On their ship the Ammari, Awilda meets the rest of the crew, including VINNA, a sagacious young healer, and PIET, a wisecracking young gunslinger. They try to make Awilda feel welcome, but she has a very low opinion of pirates and kidnappers. And people in general. When the ship stops at a station for supplies, Awilda’s cat escapes. While searching for her, Awilda discovers Razin’s secret: his family was murdered, much like her own. Her perception of him as a cold, ruthless criminal changes when she sees his loyalty to their memory. Continuing to appreciate your tongue-in-cheek humor that comes through really well. I'd recommend skipping the part about the cat escaping; it keeps things simple if you avoid cluttering things up with unnecessary details. Although looking further down, it seems like the cat is important. Perhaps you could begin your first paragraph by saying that her beloved cat is aboard ship with her? 

 

They are interrupted by soldiers from THRAXA, a power-hungry tycoon after the same treasure as Razin. They escape, but the cat is left behind. When Awilda panics over losing the only thing she has left of her parents, Razin risks his life to retrieve her cat, earning Awilda’s trust and gratitude. He reveals that this heist is about more than just money: it’s about justice, and revenge. Feeling she owes him, Awilda agrees to help, becoming a temporary member of the crew. As the pirates travel towards their target, Vinna helps Awilda strengthen her telekinetic powers, and Piet encourages her to socialize. Awilda grows closer to the crew, and develops feelings for Razin, though she dare not reveal them. I could be wrong, but I think a "tycoon" usually refers to a single person. Is thraxa an organization? Also double check some of your commas, they're not always necessary if you're using "and." And since you bring up the murder and apparently resurrection of his family later, you should give more details in this paragraph (he reveals that he's seeking revenge against the man who...)

 

Then Thraxa locates the Ammari, and her army of cyborgs attacks. Realizing that these mindless soldiers were once Kish, Awilda knows that not only their mission, but her people are in danger. The crew manages to escape, but the race for the treasure is on. Awilda questions the treasure’s nature, but is given little information, their mission veiled in secrecy. I don't believe any mention of cyborgs was made before this... 

 

When the pirates reach their destination, the planet Garivald, planet a small team descends to the surface in disguise. Their plan runs smoothly, until Razin discovers that his sister, whom he believed dead, was raised by the man who murdered his family. Razin tries to bring her with them, sending the plan awry, and Awilda pushes her powers to the limit saving them. They reach the treasure, and she discovers that it is the long-lost Heart of Kish. The pirates escape with the Heart and Razin’s sister, but Piet is captured. So there are more pirates than you've named? That wasn't clear before. And wait, people can be raised from the dead? Does that have something to do with the cyborgs? This paragraph is confusing. What exactly is the Heart? A magic stone? This seems like you are skimming over some important plot points here -- how did he discover his sister? Why does she wreck the plan? Who is Awilda saving them from and how? Either spell these things out, or consider if you can skip them (for instance, the resurrection of his sister). 

 

With the Heart, which amplifies Awilda’s telekinetic abilities, she is determined to save Piet from certain death, and to confront Thraxa. However, Razin stops her. If he loses the Heart, his reputation will be ruined, and his employer will kill him. Swayed by her love for him, Awilda hands over the Heart. Up until this point I was under the impression Razin was working for himself, not an employer. 

 

But when they encounter a stretch of space littered with the corpses of Kish children, and the wreckage of a dozen Kish ships left in Thraxa’s wake, Awilda has no choice but to betray Razin. Before facing Thraxa, she is determined to rescue Piet, before his time runs out. She steals the Heart, and flees with Vinna’s help, bringing Razin’s sister as ransom. I'm getting pretty lost... who did she hand the heart over to? Thraxa promised to release Piet? I also think perhaps you need to have some more context/world building at the beginning, because I have no idea who else lives in this universe aside from the Kish. Why has Thraxa only been turning Kish into cyborgs? Is anyone else in the universe opposing it/him? Why did she bring Razin's sister? Honestly I think you could probably exclude the sister from this synop entirely. 

 

Awilda finds Garivald under attack by Thraxa, who came looking for the Heart. As Thraxa tortures Piet, Awilda battles cyborgs, forced to kill her own people. Upon reaching Thraxa, Awilda faces her, using the Heart to amplify her abilities. But Thraxa, who has similar powers, is stronger. With Awilda weak, exhausted, and hopeless, Thraxa reveals her intention to enslave and annihilate the Kish and use the Heart to take over the galaxy. All seems lost, until Razin shows up, choosing Awilda and his sister over his reputation and safety. So thraxa was a single woman? 

 

Determined to protect him and her friends, Awilda musters the strength to overpower Thraxa. However, she is too late to save Vinna, who sacrifices herself for Razin. Moments later, they are transported onto the Ammari and flee, as the pirate fleet, with which Razin had originally meant to destroy Garivald, descends upon Thraxa’s ships. I'm also wondering if you should leave Vinna out of the synop. I know that we get really attached to our characters, but I think it would be easier to follow this without her, and it doesn't seem like she's essential for a strictly-major-plotline synopsis. Try going through and just eliminating every sentence that references her and if it doesn't effect the overall synopsis, you know she's not necessary (to this, not the manuscript). 

 

I think you could skip some of the earlier details and flesh out this paragraph, which seems like the climax. How exactly does Awilda overpower Thraxa? Why aren't all the cyborgs overpowering them? Is it all the pirates fighting? Who transports them up to the ship? I'm not getting a clear picture of how things pan out. 

 

With Thraxa’s army decimated, the Kish are no longer in immediate danger, but as long as Thraxa lives, they are not safe. Awilda resolves to become strong enough to overpower Thraxa, but knows she can’t do it alone. Razin, deeply impacted by Vinna’s sacrifice, swears to destroy Thraxa. With the support of the pirates, Awilda plans to one day return and defeat Thraxa once and for all, then take the Heart to Kish and restore her people’s home. Saddened by Vinna’s death, but hopeful for the future, Awilda has found the home she was looking for among the pirates, and devotes herself to saving her people. :) Seems like you do a good job wrapping it up enough to be a stand-alone while obviously leaving room for a sequel. 

 

Thank you for your thoughts on mine! I hope this helps! 


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#9 bkarperien

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Posted 23 July 2017 - 10:17 AM

Alright, took some of all your guys' good advice. I tried to simplify things, but it somehow ended up being just as long...oh well, let me know what you think. I hope it's a little clearer now.

 

Once a powerful telekinetic race, the Kish are now the galaxy’s most scorned nomads. Scattered in ships across the stars, they dream of restoring their honour and finding the Heart, the essence of their destroyed planet.

 

AWILDA KOREEN, a seventeen-year-old Kish alone in space after her parents’ murder, is desperate for a home on solid ground where she can grieve in peace. When she makes the tiny mistake of assaulting the security officer who threatened to eat her cat, she’s thrown in prison. RAZIN GALRIO, a twenty-year-old pirate who inherited command of a massive fleet, visits to offer rescue and riches, claiming he needs her telekinesis for a heist. Awilda, preferring prison to a ship full of strangers—criminals, no less—declines. Refusing to take no for an answer, Razin kidnaps her.

 

On their ship the Ammari, Awilda meets the rest of the crew, including PIET, a wisecracking young gunslinger. They try to make her feel welcome, but she has a low opinion of pirates and kidnappers. And people in general. Meanwhile, Awilda hears stories of Kish disappearing for no apparent reason.

 

 When the ship stops at a station for supplies, Awilda discovers Razin’s secret: his family was murdered, much like her own. Her perception of him as a cold, ruthless criminal changes when she sees his loyalty to their memory. They are interrupted by soldiers sent by THRAXA, an ancient, powerful being after the same treasure as Razin. They escape, but Awilda’s cat is left behind.

 

Awilda panics over losing all that’s left of her family, and Razin risks his life to retrieve her cat, earning Awilda’s trust and gratitude. He reveals the heist to be about more than money: he wants revenge for his parents’ murder. Feeling she owes him, Awilda agrees to help. As the pirates travel towards their target, Awilda strengthens her telekinesis, and Piet encourages her to socialize. Awilda grows close to the crew, and develops feelings for Razin, but won’t admit it, even to herself.

 

Then Thraxa locates the Ammari, and sends cyborg soldiers to destroy them. Realizing these cyborgs are the missing Kish transformed into mindless soldiers, Awilda knows that not only their mission, but her people are in danger. The crew manages to escape, but the race for the treasure is on. Awilda questions the treasure’s nature, but learns little, as even Razin has been kept in the dark by his employer.

 

When the pirates reach their destination, the planet Garivald, a small team descends to the surface in disguise. Razin faces the treasure’s owner—the man who murdered his family—but his thirst for revenge distracts him from their mission. The plan is thrown awry, Piet is spotted, and Awilda pushes her powers to the limit trying to save them. They reach the treasure, and she discovers that it is the long-lost Heart of Kish. They escape with the Heart, but Piet is captured.

 

With the Heart, which amplifies telekinesis, Awilda is determined to save Piet from certain death, and to confront Thraxa. However, Razin stops her. If he loses the Heart, his reputation will be ruined, and his employer will kill him and the rest of the crew. Swayed by her love for him, Awilda gives Razin the Heart. But when they encounter a stretch of space littered with the corpses of Kish children and the wreckage of a dozen Kish ships left in Thraxa’s wake, Awilda has no choice. She betrays Razin, steals the Heart, and flees the Ammari to first rescue Piet, and eventually face Thraxa.

 

Awilda is surprised to find Garivald under attack by Thraxa, who came looking for the Heart. As Thraxa tortures Piet, Awilda battles cyborgs, forced to kill her own people. Upon reaching Piet, Awilda gets him out of harm’s way, but not before Thraxa blinds him. Thraxa, determined to take the Heart, battles Awilda, but seems infinitely powerful: she can do everything Awilda can, and more. With Awilda weak, exhausted, and hopeless, Thraxa reveals her intention to enslave and annihilate the Kish as punishment for the crimes of their warrior ancestors, then use the Heart to take over the galaxy. All seems lost, until Razin shows up, choosing Awilda over his reputation and safety.

 

Determined to protect him and her friends, Awilda musters the strength to overpower Thraxa. But Thraxa makes a comeback, unweakened, while Awilda is exhausted, her power depleted. Fortunately, Razin manages to get through to the Ammari, and the crew transports them aboard. They flee, as the pirate fleet, which Razin originally meant to destroy Garivald, descends upon Thraxa’s ships. 

 

With Thraxa’s army decimated, the Kish are no longer in immediate danger, but as long as Thraxa lives, they are not safe. Awilda resolves to become strong enough to overpower Thraxa, but knows she can’t do it alone. Razin and Piet swear to join her in destroying Thraxa. With the pirates’ support, Awilda plans to return and defeat Thraxa, then take the Heart to Kish and restore her people’s planet. Saddened by their failure, but hopeful for the future, Awilda has found the home she was looking for among the pirates, and devotes herself to saving her people. 


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#10 dogsbody

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Posted Yesterday, 03:42 PM

... I can't believe you managed to give me chills of anticipation over a synopsis, well done. (I'm so glad they saved the cat  :sad: ) 







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