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A DARKNESS IN SPRING (dark fantasy); new draft (05/24), post #1


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#241 MICRONESIA

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Posted Yesterday, 02:18 PM

I hate to say it, Helia, but you're waaaayyyyy far back in the thread. That's my query from September.  :laugh: Thanks, though. I'll have a look at your query now.

 

Sad to think this thread is 13 pages... Where's my agent???


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#242 Heliagrey

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Posted Yesterday, 02:20 PM

I hate to say it, Helia, but you're waaaayyyyy far back in the thread. That's my query from September.  :laugh: Thanks, though. I'll have a look at your query now.

 

Sad to think this thread is 13 pages... Where's my agent???

LOL!!! I am on a ROLL today. That's like, the third time I've ended up on the wrong page. XD

 

Let me jump ahead, see how it's goin' now. Look at that, I'm time travelling.  :happy:



#243 Heliagrey

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Posted Yesterday, 02:26 PM

When nature worshiper Jean Miller moves to the Great Smoky Mountains, she hopes to revive her spirits (the phrase 'revive her spirits' sounds a little off to me- for some reason it feels literal, like there's a mystical element here. If that's what you intend, great!) and reconnect with the Earth. But after a local boy is found dead in the woods, Jean is shocked to learn he’s not the first victim. The town has a history of people wandering into the wilds to die in the elements.

 

Soon, Jean finds herself roaming the midnight woods, enticed by a springtime presence that sings with the voice of juniper and bristlemoss. (This sounds beautiful, but I don't know what it means.) None of the strangeness adds up—until she catches Miles, her roommate and lover, leaving protective offerings to something called “the Fair Folk.” (Okay, so here's my 2 cents... I don't see Jean's involvement in the story at all yet. She's roaming the woods, sure, but she feels more like a passenger in the story, or a narrator. I'd roll some of this information- that she catchers her roommate and lover in the woods shortly after a young boy was found dead- right up front. Even if it doesn't happen right up front in the book, I'd get the agent to see Jean as a key player.)

 

Desperate to end the killings, Jean scours the hollow hills for the truth about the Fair Folks’ motives. Dead locals, it seems, are only the beginning. But when she discovers the spirits’ ultimate goal—a lush, sustainable Earth—Jean must decide how much she’s willing to sacrifice for the planet she loves so dearly. (What about the dead kid(s)? I know you said it's only the beginning, but you hooked me on the murder, and now it's like you're switching gears and saying, but more than the murder- look at this! I need a little more tie in to what's going on with what the book turns into.)

 

She doesn’t have long. Because soon the hills will open up, and the culling will begin. (I'd roll this into the last paragraph- and I'd cut out the 'planet she loves so dearly'- this is stronger.)

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. Within, the elemental demons of The Ocean at the End of the Lane stalk the whispering backwoods of Universal Harvester. In 2010, I received an MFA in Writing from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration.

Here's hoping I quoted the right one, eh? ;) 



#244 Denisa

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Posted Yesterday, 05:12 PM

OMG! I just realized I didn't critique back! I'm so sorry! Will return the favor first thing tomorrow! Thank you for your input, and sorry again! 



#245 Denisa

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Posted Today, 05:27 AM

When nature worshiper Jean Miller moves to the Great Smoky Mountains, she hopes to revive her spirits and reconnect with the Earth. But after a local boy is found dead in the woods, Jean is shocked to learn he’s not the first victim. The town has a history of people wandering into the wilds to die in the elements.

 

Soon, Jean finds herself roaming the midnight woods, enticed by a springtime presence that sings with the voice of juniper and bristlemoss. you need to find a way to rephrase this, or try a different approach, because I don't really grasp what you're saying here.   None of the strangeness adds up—until she catches Miles, her roommate and lover, leaving protective offerings to something called “the Fair Folk.”

 

Desperate to end the killings, Jean scours the hollow hills for the truth about the Fair Folks’ motives. Dead locals, it seems, are only the beginning. But when she discovers the spirits’ ultimate goal—a lush, sustainable Earth—Jean must decide how much she’s willing to sacrifice you need to be more specific here; jane must decide is she's willing to risk her life, or someone else's life, maybe her boyfriend's. be specific. what does she need to sacrifice? for the planet she loves so dearly.

 

Your query is good. the main problem is that Jean's stakes aren't clear. You need to spill them out. As someone pointed out above, we need to see Jean is the key player, and you do that to some degree, but not with enough specifics.

 

She doesn’t have long. Because soon the hills will open up, and the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. Within, the elemental demons of The Ocean at the End of the Lane stalk the whispering backwoods of Universal Harvester. In 2010, I received an MFA in Writing from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration.






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