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A DARKNESS IN SPRING (dark fantasy); revision post #1


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#121 dizzywriter

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Posted Yesterday, 10:26 AM

When modern witch Jean Miller flees to rural North Carolina with twenty-grand in cash, she hopes to start a new life closer to nature. But none of her Wiccan spells can ward off the Landlord, a warlock who moves through the walls of her new apartment complex. He entices her with visions of a greener, more sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. But in order for it to come about, hordes of people must die on a burning mountain.

 

Ravenous for this lush future, yet horrified by the cost, Jean investigates the secrets in the woods and walls. Her discovery of pagan cults and missing children call to mind legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits with a deep hatred for modern man. Maybe this explains why the Landlord keeps buying property on these so-called “fairy portals.” And why luminol tests reveal bloodstains under the carpets.

 

Nature itself is staging a revolution, and Jean will play a starring role. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven for the most ambitious conjuration ever attempted. If he’s successful, the Fair Folk will reclaim the dying Earth from humanity. But in order for the portal to open, thousands of innocents must be sacrificed. If Jean refuses to help, she will join them.

 

She doesn’t have long to decide. Because soon the mountain will open up, and the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. It is partially inspired by the real-life Missing 411 mystery, which involves strange deaths in rural settings. In 2010, I received an MFA from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration.

Thanks for your input on mine and for the reminder to look at yours. It's unclear to me if this is the newest version. The comment below it seem to refer to a different text. Can you clarify? I guess you replaced your original post with the rewrite. If you did, can you say so at the top of the query? Otherwise it is very confusing. I like the idea of the eco-fantasy and the writing but don't want to spend any time on it until I'm sure it's the most recent revision.



#122 MICRONESIA

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Posted Yesterday, 10:59 AM

Revision is always post #1. Thanks. Yeah, it's easy to lose track of who's critiqued yours.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#123 Artsnerd

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Posted Yesterday, 11:18 AM

When modern witch Jean Miller flees to rural North Carolina with twenty-grand in cash, she hopes to start a new life closer to nature. (While I am intrigued by the first part of this sentence--her fleeting with the cash--I feel like some previous hooks you've had or others have suggested were a bit stronger than this one). But none of her Wiccan spells can ward off the Landlord, a warlock who moves through the walls of her new apartment complex. He entices her with visions of a greener, more sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. But in order for it to come about, hordes of people must die on a burning mountain.  (Now this is where I really start to get interested in the query.)

 

Ravenous (good word choice) for this lush future, yet horrified by the cost, Jean investigates the secrets in the woods and walls. Her discovery of pagan cults and missing children call to mind legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits with a deep hatred for modern man. Maybe this explains why the Landlord keeps buying property on these so-called “fairy portals.” And why luminol tests reveal bloodstains under the carpets.

 

Nature itself is staging a revolution, and Jean will play a starring role (I love that sentence). For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven for the most ambitious conjuration ever attempted. If he’s successful, the Fair Folk will reclaim the dying Earth from humanity. But in order for the portal to open, thousands of innocents must be sacrificed. If Jean refuses to help, she will join them.

 

She doesn’t have long to decide. Because soon the mountain will open up, and the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. It is partially inspired by the real-life Missing 411 mystery, which involves strange deaths in rural settings. In 2010, I received an MFA from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration (I feel as though this should be its own paragraph, separate from credentials).

 

I typically don't read Fantasy, but I found myself rather interested in this story -- it seems very unique, so kudos! :) There's not much more I think I would really fix with this query, as it seems pretty solid besides the few things I mentioned, but I hope this helped!


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

―Maya Angelou

 

The query for my current WIP can be found here.


#124 Sataris

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Posted Yesterday, 11:25 AM

When modern witch Jean Miller flees to rural North Carolina with twenty-grand in cash, she hopes to start a new life closer to nature. But none of her Wiccan spells can ward off the Landlord, a warlock who moves through the walls of her new apartment complex. He entices her with visions of a greener, more sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. But in order for it to come about, hordes of people must die on a burning mountain.

 

the modern witch thing works pretty well - makes the Wiccan stuff less jarring

 

Ravenous for this lush future, yet horrified by the cost, Jean investigates the secrets in the woods and walls with how tight the start of the query is, this seems like an odd thing to do - can you tie it more into the Landlord? Jean investigates the Landlord's past or something like that. Her discovery of pagan cults and missing children call to mind legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits with a deep hatred for modern man. Maybe this explains why the Landlord keeps buying property on these so-called “fairy portals.” And why luminol tests reveal bloodstains under the carpets.

 

Nature itself is staging a revolution, and Jean will play a starring role. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven for the most ambitious conjuration ever attempted. If he’s successful, the Fair Folk will reclaim the dying Earth from humanity. But in order for the portal to open, thousands of innocents must be sacrificed. If Jean refuses to help, the Landlord will make sure she will joins them.

 

She doesn’t have long to decide. Because soon the mountain will open up, and the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. It is partially inspired by the real-life Missing 411 mystery, which involves strange deaths in rural settings. In 2010, I received an MFA from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration.

I like how much you've simplified this. I'd say it's about ready to start sending out.


No current query.


#125 dizzywriter

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Posted Yesterday, 02:16 PM

When modern witch Jean Miller flees to rural North Carolina with twenty-grand in cash, she hopes to start a new life closer to nature. But none of her Wiccan spells can ward off the Landlord, a warlock who moves through the walls of her new apartment complex. He entices her with visions of a greener, more sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. But in order for it to come about, hordes of people must die on a burning mountain.

 

Ravenous for this lush future, yet horrified by the cost, Jean investigates the secrets in the woods and walls. Her discovery of pagan cults and missing children call to mind legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits with a deep hatred for modern man. Maybe this explains why the Landlord keeps buying property on these so-called “fairy portals.” And why luminol tests reveal bloodstains under the carpets.

 

Nature itself is staging a revolution, and Jean will play a starring role. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven for the most ambitious conjuration ever attempted. If he’s successful, the Fair Folk will reclaim the dying Earth from humanity. But in order for the portal to open, thousands of innocents must be sacrificed. If Jean refuses to help, she will join them.

 

She doesn’t have long to decide. Because soon the mountain will open up, and the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. It is partially inspired by the real-life Missing 411 mystery, which involves strange deaths in rural settings. In 2010, I received an MFA from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration.

Excellent concept. It reminds me a bit of Orson Scott Whatshisname's The Lost Boys. But I"m still confused. The person above me commented on a different version. Is this the correct one?



#126 dizzywriter

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Posted Yesterday, 02:45 PM

WTF happened to my revised post??? I had line notes throughout. Geez. This has happened to me on this site several times. It's free so I'm not complaining. I will try to do it again once I recover. Sorry. In general, I thought you need to be more specific about what exactly is going to happen to the mountain and the people. You use "culling" only at the end and I think it needs explaining that the Landlord is planning some sort of decimation of the population in an angry mountain -- or whatever the details are. I think you need to make that more clear -- and what your MC's role is specifically. Otherwise, it seems a bit too vague to me. But I like the concept and the writing and you'll get there.



#127 MICRONESIA

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Posted Yesterday, 02:53 PM

Yeah, I don't know what's going on with this site. Sataris somehow got hold of a slightly older version. It's cool.

 

It's also cool if you don't want to plow through line-edits again. Your suggestion to make the "big event" more specific is helpful enough in itself.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#128 Wayfarer

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Posted Yesterday, 04:30 PM

When modern witch Jean Miller flees to rural North Carolina with twenty-grand in cash, she hopes to start a new life closer to nature. But none of her Wiccan spells can ward off the Landlord, a warlock who moves through the walls of her new apartment complex. He entices her with visions of a greener, more sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. But in order for it to come about, hordes of people must die on a burning mountain.

 

Ravenous for this lush future, yet horrified by the cost, Jean investigates the secrets in the woods and walls. [The apartments walls? What's the significance with this?] Her discovery of pagan cults and missing children call to mind legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits with a deep hatred for modern man. Maybe this explains why the Landlord keeps buying property on these so-called “fairy portals.” And why luminol tests reveal bloodstains under the carpets.

 

Nature itself is staging a revolution, and Jean will play a starring role. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven for the most ambitious conjuration ever attempted. If he’s successful, the Fair Folk will reclaim the dying Earth from humanity. But in order for the portal to open, thousands of innocents must be sacrificed. If Jean refuses to help, she will join them.

 

She doesn’t have long to decide. Because soon the mountain will open up, the inferno will ignite, and the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. It is partially inspired by the real-life Missing 411 mystery, which involves strange deaths in rural settings. In 2010, I received an MFA from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration.

It's a really solid query as is. I was only confused about the walls thing, and then thought it more cyclical if you mentioned the "burning" of the mountain in some way in the closing sentence.



#129 VSChapman

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Posted Yesterday, 04:35 PM

When modern witch Jean Miller flees to rural North Carolina with twenty-grand in cash, she hopes to start a new life closer to nature. But none of her Wiccan spells can ward off the Landlord, a warlock who moves through the walls of her new apartment complex. He entices her with visions of a greener, more sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. But in order for it to come about, hordes of people must die on a burning mountain. (nice opening)

 

Ravenous for this lush future, yet horrified by the cost, Jean investigates the secrets in the woods and walls. Her discovery of pagan cults and missing children call to mind legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits with a deep hatred for modern man. Maybe this explains why the Landlord keeps buying property on these so-called “fairy portals.” And why luminol tests reveal bloodstains under the carpets.

 

Nature itself is staging a revolution, and Jean will play a starring role. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven for the most ambitious conjuration ever attempted. If he’s successful, the Fair Folk will reclaim the dying Earth from humanity. But in order for the portal to open, thousands of innocents must be sacrificed. If Jean refuses to help, she will join them.

 

She doesn’t have long to decide. Because soon the mountain will open up, and the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. It is partially inspired by the real-life Missing 411 mystery, which involves strange deaths in rural settings. In 2010, I received an MFA from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration.

I wish I had some advice but this seems good to me. The only thing that I was curious to have more info on was what/who was Jean fleeing from? It's not a big deal and wasn't sure if it would add anything else to the query. I saw in an earlier post that you were going to send some out. Have you heard back on any of those yet? Good luck!



#130 Sataris

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Posted Yesterday, 06:56 PM

Yeah, I don't know what's going on with this site. Sataris somehow got hold of a slightly older version. It's cool.

 

It's also cool if you don't want to plow through line-edits again. Your suggestion to make the "big event" more specific is helpful enough in itself.

 

wow that's bizarre, i literally read your post about how the first one was always the latest so I clicked there. ill throw up another shortly


No current query.


#131 Sataris

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Posted Yesterday, 07:19 PM

When modern witch Jean Miller flees to rural North Carolina with twenty-grand in cash, she hopes to start a new life closer to nature. But none of her Wiccan spells can ward off the Landlord, a warlock who moves through the walls of her new apartment complex. He entices her with visions of a greener, more sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. But in order for it to come about, hordes of people must die on a burning mountain.

 

Ravenous for this lush future, yet horrified by the cost, Jean investigates the secrets in the woods and walls. Her discovery of pagan cults and missing children call to mind legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits with a deep hatred for modern man. Maybe this explains why the Landlord keeps buying property on these so-called “fairy portals.” And why luminol tests reveal bloodstains under the carpets.

 

Nature itself is staging a revolution, and Jean will play a starring role. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven for the most ambitious conjuration ever attempted. If he’s successful, the Fair Folk will reclaim the dying Earth from humanity. But in order for the portal to open, thousands of innocents must be sacrificed. If Jean refuses to help, she will join them.

 

She doesn’t have long to decide. Because soon the mountain will open up, and the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a dark fantasy novel of 70,000 words. It is partially inspired by the real-life Missing 411 mystery, which involves strange deaths in rural settings. In 2010, I received an MFA from the University of San Francisco. Thank you for your consideration.

I think my feedback is generally the same as it was - thought i do like what you did with the first paragraph. It isn't quite as hooky as some of the previous versions, but it's cleaner, and it gives us a lot of information that we need right off the bat.

 

The only part that jumps out at me is the woods and walls thing, since we haven't heard about the secrets ahead of time, so I still feel like if you can wedge the landlord in there somehow it'll read a little smoother. I don't have much of an issue with it though - it seems pretty minor.

 

TLDR: still looks really good


No current query.





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