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Revision #6: A DARKNESS IN SPRING (horror); reciprocation guaranteed


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#1 MICRONESIA

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Posted 12 July 2017 - 02:44 PM

REVISION #6 (10/30):

Dear [agent]:
 

Reality contains holes just like the ozone layer—and one of them hovers over Jean’s new apartment complex.

 

Flutes trill within the walls. Dark figures watch her as she sleeps. Worst of all, she keeps seeing the ghost of the kid who wandered up a nearby mountain and died of exposure. It all reminds Jean of the “Fair Folk” legends—woodland spirits who steal children’s souls and take them to the Otherworld.

 

Like the old legends, Jean recognizes nature’s divinity. She ditched city comforts and moved to rural North Carolina to plant gardens, teach Wiccan spells, inspire a renewed devotion to the mountains and trees.

 

But when corpses start piling up at the apartment complex, Jean’s focus shifts indoors. Suddenly, she’s eyeing the other tenants suspiciously. There’s Miles, her roommate and sometimes-lover. There’s Devin, an adorable single father who convinced his wife to commit suicide. And there’s the Landlord—a spectral entity that begins tempting Jean with visions of a more vibrant world.

 

The Fair Folk are poised to reclaim the Earth from humanity, and Jean’s magic is desired. Her reward will be a permanent stay in the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by mystics and dreamers. If she resists, she will find herself among the billions of others sacrificed for Nature’s survival. She doesn’t have long to decide.

 

Because soon the mountain will open up. And the culling will begin.

 

A DARKNESS IN SPRING is a horror/fantasy novel of 71,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.



#2 BCVail

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Posted 12 July 2017 - 04:44 PM

BACKGROUND: Starting last January, I completely re-wrote my novel. If the character/situation seem similar from something you saw eight months ago, that's why! I will gladly critique your query if you critique mine, and vice-versa!

 

 

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

When Jean Miller ditches San Francisco for the North Carolina mountains, the worst she expects is a lack of internet cafes and Uber drivers. That’s fine, since this might be her last shot at living an authentic life, close to nature, and reclaiming something she and the world have lost. (Good opening, it tells us a lot about Jean and her voice comes through)

 

She wasn’t expecting the NC weed to be this potent. No strange force is drawing her into the woods at night—where local kids are known to get lost and die. No entity called “the landlord” is trying to contact her. That damn flute music is coming from another apartment, not between the walls. (While this sounds intriguing, I don't exactly know what this paragraph means. Are you saying the weed she smoked is what's drawing her into the woods and that the landlord entity is trying to contact her?)

 

But when a spectral attacker leaves Jean nearly dead in her new bedroom, she must come to terms with the “other” tenants residing at the apartment complex. Then again, they can’t be much worse than the slobberings of her real neighbors: the awkward Miles, the and possible-wife-murdering Devin.

 

Yes, Jean has her doubts. Because, on the verge of death (maybe connect this to the attacker just s its crystal clear), she is granted a glimpse of the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. It’s the most authentic life imaginable. The place where she remembers her true name (Not sure what's significant about true name, as we know its Jean Miller).

 

Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory—and Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution (This is cool, but it feels like it comes out of nowhere as the query felt like a ghost story up until this point). All she has to do is renounce the world and everyone in it. She must also keep in mind: that back in the Middle Ages, the word “fairy” meant something similar to “demon.” (I think the last line here reads like excess clutter.)

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror/fantasy novel that contains of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time.

 

I like the ideas here and you have some really good voice coming through. I just think there are a few spots that need to be clarified / connected with the rest of the query.

 

 

If you have a moment, I'd appreciate another set of eyes on my query. You can find the link here. Thank you.



#3 MICRONESIA

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Posted 12 July 2017 - 05:09 PM

Good calls! I'll clear up that weed line now (it's supposed to be a little joke).

 

Will also check out your query.



#4 booksbybrendan

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 07:28 AM

BACKGROUND: Starting last January, I completely re-wrote my novel. If the character/situation seem similar from something you saw eight months ago, that's why! I will gladly critique your query if you critique mine, and vice-versa!

 

 

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

When Jean Miller ditches San Francisco for the North Carolina mountains, the worst she expects is a lack of internet cafes and Uber drivers. That’s fine, since this might be her last shot at living an authentic life, close to nature, and reclaiming something she and the world have lost. There's no real conflict in this first paragraph, I think. You create the hints of conflict in your hook sentence (which is very well written, btw. I didn't think it was particularly hooking but I kept reading anyway- which I guess actually does make it a hook... good work lol) then erase them with the second sentence by saying everything is fine. "something she and the world have lost" is a little too vague to me, but that's just my opinion.

 

It must be this the NC weed. No strange force is drawing her into the woods at night—where local kids are known to get lost and die. No entity called “the landlord” is trying to contact her. That damn flute music is coming from another apartment, not between the walls. This is where it gets interesting. Maybe consider making a hook out of one of these sentences instead, or starting the query in NC instead of San Fran

 

But when a spectral attacker leaves Jean nearly dead in her new bedroom, she must come to terms with the “other” tenants residing at the apartment complex. Then again, they can’t be much worse than the slobberings of her real neighbors: the awkward Miles and the possible-wife-murdering Devin. I don't think knowing who Miles and Devin are really contributes to the query

 

Yes, Jean has her doubts. Because, on the verge of death, she is granted a glimpse of the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. It’s the most authentic life imaginable. 

 

Pagan, hostile I'd chose just one descriptor word, having two kind of weakens the sentence forces are reclaiming their earthly territory—and Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. All she has to do is renounce the world and everyone in it.

 

She must also keep in mind: that back in the Middle Ages, the word "fairy" meant something similar to "demon." very cool

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror/fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time.

 

I hope my advice is useful to you! Do with it what you may, my good sir. Good luck with your writing!



#5 jaustail

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 07:44 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

When Jean Miller ditches San Francisco for the North Carolina mountains, the worst she expects is a lack of internet cafes and Uber drivers. That’s fine, since this might be her last shot at living an authentic life, close to nature, and reclaiming something she and the world have lost(what is this that she had the world have lost?).

 

It must be this NC weed. No strange force is drawing her into the woods at night—where local kids are known to get lost and die. No entity called “the landlord” is trying to contact her. That damn flute music is coming from another apartment, not between the walls. (maybe write this in a simpler manner. imo a query should be easy to read, since it's a business letter)

 

But when a spectral attacker(what's a spectral attacker?) leaves Jean nearly dead in her new bedroom, she must come to terms with the “other” tenants(aliens/ghosts? but it's a good twist) residing at the apartment complex. Then again, they can’t be much worse than the slobberings of her real neighbors: the awkward Miles and the possible-wife-murdering Devin.

 

Yes, Jean has her doubts. Because, on the verge of death, she is granted a glimpse of the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers(this is good). It’s the most authentic life imaginable. 

 

Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory(does this mean animals and plants are going to fight with humans cause that's awesome?)—and Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. All she has to do is renounce the world and everyone in it(from above it's not like she's got any friends so the 'everyone in it' doesn't add much).

 

She must also keep in mind: that back in the Middle Ages, the word "fairy" meant something similar to "demon."

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror/fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time(and consideration....this is what i read somewhere...time and consideration).

 

 

I think you have an interesting story. I've never read something like this. Mother Nature trying to take the world back from humans, if I'm correct. Maybe reword the second, third, and four paragraphs. Or cut some information from there. Jump to the point instead of those sentences with 'not' and 'no' in italics.

JMO



#6 MICRONESIA

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 08:18 AM

Thanks for the great advice, y'all! I'll have a look at your queries here in a second.

 

booksbybrendan: I totally agree that the hook should be the "main" conflict. At the same time, I feel like the reader HAS to know Jean's motives for being there. Maybe there's an artful way to sneak it into the second paragraph? Anyone have any tips on this? As far as Miles and Devin go, I feel like they have to be included somewhere. If not, my query only has one character!

 

jaustail: A couple quick questions: 1) Can you clarify what about the second paragraph caused you to struggle? The italics or something more? 2) Did the "revelation" at the end -- that the antagonists are fairies/demons -- tie everything together? (Your comments seem to indicate you were wondering about this as you read the query.)



#7 jaustail

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 08:31 AM

Hi Micronesia:

 

About t

 

Thanks for the great advice, y'all! I'll have a look at your queries here in a second.

 

jaustail: A couple quick questions: 1) Can you clarify what about the second paragraph caused you to struggle? The italics or something more? 2) Did the "revelation" at the end -- that the antagonists are fairies/demons -- tie everything together? (Your comments seem to indicate you were wondering about this as you read the query.)

 

It must be this NC weed. No strange force is drawing her into the woods at night—where local kids are known to get lost and die. No entity called “the landlord” is trying to contact her. That damn flute music is coming from another apartment, not between the walls.

 

I don't know what's NC weed. From what I know NC means no clause or no conditions.

I wasn't able to understand: no strange force is drawing her into the woods at night.

Then what is drawing her. Maybe if you could elaborate on what's happening instead of busting the assumptions that would give a clearer picture of the book.

Example:

Will got a job that had no lunch breaks, no weekends off, no chatting with colleagues unless it's related to work.

vs

Will got a job where he's speaking with clients during lunch with one mobile on each ear, he has to skip meeting his friends over weekends to attend a meeting with a boss and two seniors who discard all his suggestions, an office where the coffee machine displays more emotions than his colleagues.

 

 

Like if the flute music is not coming from between walls, why mention 'not between walls'

 

JMO. hope it's not too harsh. I'm not an expert in queries.



#8 MICRONESIA

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 08:36 AM

Cool. I'll think about ways to clear it up. My idea with the italics (and general layout) is that she's trying to convince herself of these things ("These scary things aren't really happening. It's just the pot!" or whatever). NC = North Carolina.

 

Thanks!



#9 lyncfs

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 06:29 PM

BACKGROUND: Starting last January, I completely re-wrote my novel. If the character/situation seem similar from something you saw eight months ago, that's why! I will gladly critique your query if you critique mine, and vice-versa!

 

 

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

When Jean Miller ditches San Francisco for the North Carolina mountains, the worst she expects is a lack of internet cafes and Uber drivers. That’s fine, since this might be her last shot at living an authentic life, close to nature, and reclaiming something she and the world have lost. ​(This hook is sort of blah. I like your second sentence better)

 

It must be this NC weed. ​(the weed doesn't matter. It's what comes after. The way you have your next sentences worded makes it sound like Jean might thinks she is going crazy. I think you can mention that if that's the case, and bring the 2nd paragraph back to your MC) No strange force is drawing her into the woods at night—where local kids are known to get lost and die. No entity called “the landlord” is trying to contact her. That damn flute music is coming from another apartment, not between the walls.

 

But when a spectral attacker ​(do you mean ghost?) leaves Jean nearly dead in her new bedroom, she must come to terms with the “other” tenants residing at the apartment complex. Then again, they can’t be much worse than the slobberings ​(this is a strange word. It made me scratch my head. Replace) of her real neighbors: the awkward ​(what makes them awkward? add details) Miles and the possible-wife-murdering Devin. 

 

Yes, Jean has her doubts. Because, on the verge of death, she is granted a glimpse of the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. It’s the most authentic life imaginable. 

 

Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory—and Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. All she has to do is renounce the world and everyone in it. ​(wait, so the ghosts want her help to take over the world? You need to condense these two sentences into one. Choice X vs. Choice Y. What is left for her on earth that she would want to refuse the ghosts offer. I feel like we are missing something here. What is at stake, since she seemed to not like her old life?)

 

She must also keep in mind: that back in the Middle Ages, the word "fairy" meant something similar to "demon." ​ This sentence does nothing for me.

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror/fantasy ​ (choose a genre. Cannot be both) novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time  ​and consideration​(Where is your bio??)

 

I like some of your prose and you definitely get the chills and creeps from reading this query which is good. You need to clarify some of the plot points as a lot of it left me confused about how Jean fits into the world and what she has left to that she's holding dear. The spirit world seems much more appealing which doesn't leave her with much of a decision about what she should do.


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#10 Iconian

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 09:55 PM

Dear [agent]:

 

When Jean Miller ditches San Francisco for the North Carolina mountains, the worst she expects is a lack of internet cafes and Uber drivers. That’s fine, since this might be her last shot at living an authentic life, close to nature, and reclaiming something she and the world have lost.

 

It must be this NC weed.  [This is unclear.  If you're trying to appeal to a wide audience, I'd go for improved clarity by saying "It must be this North Carolina weed she's been smoking."  If clarity isn't as important and you're trying to appeal to a more hip, rapid-fire crowd, I'd say leave it be.]  No strange force is drawing her into the woods at night—where local kids are known to get lost and die. No entity called “the landlord” is trying to contact her. That damn flute music is coming from another apartment, not between the walls.

 

But when a spectral attacker leaves Jean nearly dead in her new bedroom, she must come to terms with the “other” tenants residing at the apartment complex.  [Here, I would give some brief hints and snippets about those "other" tenants.  For example: she must come to terms with the "other" tenants residing at the apartment complex.  The widow Hannity, herself ultimately extinguished by a fit of whooping cough some hundred years ago, the echoes of which still ring through the building's corridors.  The TV salesman, Bob Vickerson, who could never get by on his paltry income and still paces the floor in his room to this day, contemplating a better place to work--22 years after his death.  Even the long gray cat, Spotz, who one of her neighbors lost in a hit-and-run five years ago.]  Then again, they can’t be much worse than the slobberings of her real neighbors: the awkward Miles and the possible-wife-murdering Devin.

 

Yes, Jean has her doubts. [Doubts about WHAT?  About North Carolina?  If so, I'd say explicitly "Yes, Jean has her doubts about North Carolina."  If not North Carolina, then what?  The afterlife?  It's not clear.] Because, on the verge of death, she is granted a glimpse of the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. It’s the most authentic life imaginable. 

 

[I'd add, "She is also granted a glimpse of something else:] Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory—and Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. All she has to do is renounce the world and everyone in it.

 

She must also keep in mind: that back in the Middle Ages, the word "fairy" meant something similar to "demon."  [This sentence just doesn't fit or make sense.  I think it all hinges on the word "fairy."  Was Jean told she was a fairy at some point in the story?  Did she hear people talking about fairies, or did she hear ghosts talking about fairies?  If so, one of the two previous paragraphs is probably a good place to bring it up.  "She is granted a glimpse of the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers--a realm peopled by fairies and other fantastic beings."  Or, "Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory--and Jean, hailed as 'Queen of the Fairies,' has been selected to help lead the revolution."]

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror/fantasy novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#11 Sreid

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 04:28 AM

Hi Micronesia,

 

I'll just throw my two bits in here and repeat what so many others have said, that your first paragraph doesn't work well as a hook, but a reworking of what's in your second one might be better material for a hook.

 

Otherwise, I think you've gotten plenty of opinions and suggestions to write a new draft, which i will gladly critique.



#12 MICRONESIA

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 08:15 AM

Cool. Clearly specificity is an issue, along with the hook. I'll ruminate for a few days and come back with a second draft. 

 

Thanks, y'all!

 

Onto your queries....



#13 MICRONESIA

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 03:48 PM

Okay, I totally re-wrote it. See what y'all think. I tried to make the details/stakes more specific. Hopefully this hook works better as well.



#14 Iconian

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 08:11 PM

REVISION #1 (7/16):

 

 

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

Reality contains holes just like the ozone layer—and one of them lies over Jean’s new apartment complex.

 

Flutes trill within the walls. Dark shapes watch her as she sleeps. Worst of all, she keeps seeing the ghost of the kid who wandered up a nearby mountain and died of exposure (apparently a thing around here). Jean moved to rural North Carolina to commune with nature, but these locals take it a bit too far. She also can’t help but think of the “Fair Folk”—the woodland spirits of legend who steal children and take them to the Otherworld.

 

But when dead bodies start piling up, everyone at the apartment complex becomes a suspect. There’s Miles, her roommate, whose kindness seems a bit too… practiced; Devin, her adorable neighbor who is a suspect in his wife’s murder; and Crazy Mad, an elderly recluse who receives visions from a lump under her carpet. They, along with all other residents, have been collected for a much larger purpose—a purpose known only to the mysterious entity known as “the landlord.” [I'd capitalize "Landlord," or possibly "The Landlord," as a proper name.]

 

When the spirits of nature rise up against modern man, it’s impossible for Jean to choose a side. Because once a person is promised the Otherworld, the slaughter of the human race loses significance.

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time.

 

I like all of this, except for the last paragraph.  Your previous query had some really interesting stuff:

 

Because, on the verge of death, she is granted a glimpse of the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. It’s the most authentic life imaginable. 

 

Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory—and Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. All she has to do is renounce the world and everyone in it.

 

 

If I was in your shoes, I'd try to find a way to integrate those two lines back in.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#15 MICRONESIA

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 12:07 PM

You're right. That ending sucked. I've changed it. Thanks!



#16 galimatias

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 01:37 PM

REVISION #1 (7/17):

 

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

Reality contains holes just like the ozone layer—and one of them resides over Jean’s new apartment complex.

 

Flutes trill within the walls. Dark shapes watch her as she sleeps. Worst of all, she keeps seeing the ghost of the kid who wandered up a nearby mountain and died of exposure (apparently a thing around here). Jean moved to rural North Carolina to commune with nature, but these locals take it a bit too far. I'm assuming that the locals are the ones doing the flute-playing and sleep-watching. If this is the case, I'd start with the "these locals take it too far" sentence, then go into the specifics of their weird behavior. Then label them as Fair Folk.. She also can’t help but think of the “Fair Folk”—the woodland spirits of legend who steal children and take them to the Otherworld. 

 

But when dead bodies start piling up, everyone at the apartment complex becomes a suspect. There’s Miles, her roommate, whose kindness seems a bit toopracticed. You don't need ellipses here. Saying "a bit" conveys enough hesitation. There’s Crystal, an internet model dying of brain cancer. There’s Devin, Jean's adorable neighbor who convinced his wife to commit suicide. They, along with the complex’s other tenants, have been collected for a much larger purpose—a purpose known only to the mysterious entity called “the landlord.” This paragraph is great. The one-line bios are funny, unexpected, and memorable. I like how you tie them all together with the landlord. 

 

Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory. Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. The prize is a permanent stay in the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. Choosing a side will be critical. Because soon the mountain will open up. And the slaughter will begin. I don't know what the mountain is. I think of Lovecraft's Mountains of Madness, but I can't tell if I'm supposed to be reminded of that or not. I prefer the ending you had in a previous draft: Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory—and Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. All she has to do is renounce the world and everyone in it.

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time.

 

The plot setup is great, but I want to know more about Jean herself. Is she the kind of poet or dreamer that the Otherworld would attract? Did some existential crisis prompt her to commune with nature, or does Jean simply dislike being around people? If you give her the same attention you've given the other characters, this query will be great.



#17 ThatDan

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 01:37 PM

REVISION #1 (7/17):

 

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

Reality contains holes just like the ozone layer—and one of them resides over Jean’s new apartment complex. excellent hook

 

Flutes trill within the walls. Dark shapes watch her as she sleeps. Worst of all, she keeps seeing the ghost of the kid who wandered up a nearby mountain and died of exposure (apparently a thing around here). Jean moved to rural North Carolina to commune with nature, but these locals take it a bit too far. She also can’t help but think of the “Fair Folk”—the woodland spirits of legend who steal children and take them to the Otherworld.

 

But when dead bodies start piling up,-"piling up" seems to casual compared to the seriousness of the rest of the query. Maybe "bodies start appearing"? everyone at the apartment complex becomes a suspect. There’s Miles, her roommate, whose kindness seems a bit too… practiced. There’s Crystal, an internet model dying of brain cancer. There’s Devin, Jean's adorable neighbor- i don't think you need to specify that he's Jean's neighbor, as it's already indicated above. who convinced his wife to commit suicide. They, along with the complex’s other tenants, have been collected for a much larger purpose—a purpose known only to the mysterious entity called “the landlord.”

 

i feel there is an awkwardly jump between these paragraphs. I'll add a lead-in suggestion below

 

Discovering that Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory, Jean is shocked to learn that /she/ has been selected to help lead the revolution. The prize is a permanent stay in the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. But Choosing a side-the right side?- will be critical, because soon the mountain will open up, and the slaughter will begin. -"the slaughter" is a bit vague. I assume it's the hostile forces reclaiming the land, but it's not clear.

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror-possibly horror paranormal hybrid? novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time.

 

HUUUUUGE improvement. So much more enthralling than it used to be. Getting a lot of Alan Wake vibes (anyone else played that game or read the book adaptation?)



#18 ThatDan

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 01:41 PM

Agreeing with galimatias, we could use a bit more info on Jean, and what makes her special enough to be selected as the revolution leader.

 

But alas, we disagree on the hook. I guess it's up to you to decide which is a more important and effective hook; the MC or the setting.



#19 Iconian

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 04:06 AM

REVISION #1 (7/17):

 

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

Reality contains holes just like the ozone layer—and one of them resides over Jean’s new apartment complex.

 

Flutes trill within the walls. Dark shapes watch her as she sleeps. Worst of all, she keeps seeing the ghost of the kid who wandered up a nearby mountain and died of exposure (apparently a thing around here).  [galamatias doesn't seem to like your beginning.  But I think it's great.]  Jean moved to rural North Carolina to commune with nature, but these locals take it a bit too far. She also can’t help but think of the “Fair Folk”—the woodland spirits of legend who steal children and take them to the Otherworld.

 

But when dead bodies start piling up, everyone at the apartment complex becomes a suspect. There’s Miles, her roommate, whose kindness seems a bit too… practiced. There’s Crystal, an internet model dying of brain cancer. [Oh no, you took out Crazy Mad and her Lump?  But I liked that though!  I'd take her over Crystal--hopefully that doesn't make me a bad person.]  There’s Devin, Jean's adorable neighbor who convinced his wife to commit suicide. They, along with the complex’s other tenants, have been collected for a much larger purpose—a purpose known only to the mysterious entity called “the landlord.”  [Still think you should capitalize "Landlord."]

 

Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory, and Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. The prize is a permanent stay in the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. Choosing a side will be critical. [Waaaaait . . . do you mean choosing the Otherworld vs. the human world?  Or Otherworld vs. . . ?  If you want the exact nature of the choice to remain ambiguous, I'd go with, "Choosing a side will be critical.  And there are many sides."  Or some such.]

 

Because soon the mountain will open up. And the slaughter will begin.  [I'd give this nice little statement its own paragraph, for effect.]

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time.

 

Basically ready, I say.  You could tell us why Jean has been selected if you want, but I actually don't think it's necessary.  I'd mainly recommend the little bits of polish above.

 

Good luck!


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#20 Vio Liddell

Vio Liddell

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 06:49 AM

REVISION #1 (7/17):

 

 

 

Dear [agent]:

 

Reality contains holes just like the ozone layer—and one of them resides over Jean’s new apartment complex. Awesome hook.

 

Flutes trill within the walls. Dark shapes watch her as she sleeps. Worst of all, she keeps seeing the ghost of the kid who wandered up a nearby mountain and died of exposure (apparently a thing around here) ---> I don't get what you mean by that... . Jean moved to rural North Carolina to commune with nature, but these locals take it a bit too far. She also can’t help but think of the “Fair Folk”—the woodland spirits of legend who steal children and take them to the Otherworld.

 

But when dead bodies start piling up, everyone at the apartment complex becomes a suspect. There’s Miles, her roommate, whose kindness seems a bit too… practiced. There’s Crystal, an internet model dying of brain cancer. There’s Devin, Jean's adorable neighbor (comma here), who convinced his wife to commit suicide. I agree that Crazy Mad and her lump were so creepy & cool. Lol. But they're all really interesting. You have to make choices I guess! They, along with the complex’s other tenants, have been collected for a much larger purpose—a purpose known only to the mysterious entity called “the landlord.” There's a lot of supernatural stuff to take in. Is the Landlord connected in some way to the Fair Folk and the other events? I suppose he is, but it's not obvious from your query and it's a bit confusing. Also, how does Jean know that the Landlord is involved?

 

Pagan, hostile forces are reclaiming their earthly territory. Jean has been selected to help lead the revolution. Fascinating. But is there a particular reason? Why her and not somebody else? The prize is a permanent stay in the Otherworld: the paradise sought for centuries by poets and dreamers. Is Jean a poet or dreamer herself? Choosing a side will be critical. Why? Are there some people on earth she cares about? Friends, family? The stakes feel weak as we know nothing about that... Because soon the mountain will open up. And the slaughter will begin. It's not obvious either that the mountain is the epicenter of the pagan forces. We barely have a hint with the ghost of the kid.

 

IN DARKSOME SPRING is a horror novel of 84,000 words. Thank you for your time.

 

Wow. I'd. Definitely. Read this.

Reminds me of the mind-blowing Silent Hill 4: The Room. I don't know if you drew your inspiration from it, but your story sounds awesome with this vibe to it.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

I'd love your feedback on my query too: http://agentquerycon...fantasy-rev-36/






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