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Eye of the Storm -- YA Sci Fi

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#1 Novelarnia

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 04:31 AM

Hi, folks! You guys helped me immensely with my last query back in March. I got a lot of interest, and got SO close to getting an agent! Hoping this next book gives me that final push. 

 

Let me know if I can help you with any of your queries! :D 

 

I'll post the most recent draft on this post, with strikethroughs of old versions. :) 

 

----------------------------------

 

Version 4

 

[ Mostly the same, but I made a few tweaks. You guys are awesome. :D ]

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor. Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it. 
 
But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. 

 

-----------------------------------

 

Version 3

 

[ God, you guys are good. How you even see shit like this, I'll never know. <3 I know a lot of people advocated removing the "loose morals" part, but I feel like that's a piece of Blake's voice. I'm stupidly attached to it. Deleting it was too tough this go-around, but if you guys really think it should go, tell me again and I'll see what I can do... T.T

 

I appreciate the feedback! You guys rock. ]

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 
 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian ship by way of military-grade weapons (and very loose morals). Locate the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye (a feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists). What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. 
 

 

But those tiny machines were actually created to stop illness in its tracks, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including her little sister. No pressure. 

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

Version 2

 

[Special thanks to all of you awesome contributors! Especially Iconian--your edits were awesome!]

 

On March 1st, 3052, stranded in the asteroid belt, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo for a galaxy-wide treasure hunt may not have been her brightest idea. 
 
The mission was simple enough: an ex-soldier (and current badass) armed with military-grade weapons and very loose morals steals a civilian ship. Ex-soldier locates the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Ex-soldier takes the Eye home to her dying sister, and poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye, something no one’s ever managed. The treasure hunt is brimming with cryptic clues and inherent danger (Blake’s favorite!), but they finally tracking the Eye of the Storm to a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except when they board, it’s not a healing artifact that awaits them—the Eye is actually an intelligent, writhing mass of machines and corpses… and it’s going to destroy all organic life now that Blake has set it free.
 
But when Blake discovers the Eye used to be a collection of nanites that could, in fact, stop illness in its tracks, she’s faced with a decision: destroy the Eye and save all organic life in the galaxy… or preserve it to save the one life that matters most? 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

Version 1

 

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass) regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them.

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm. Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously captaining the Hulahoo. 
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumble on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. 


#2 jaustail

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 04:48 AM

JMO:

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass(Normally I'm not in favor of brackets but I like this)) regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them.

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way)(the information in bracket is distracting) was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm(is this some relic?). Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor)(remove part in brackets), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously captaining the Hulahoo. 
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumble on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries(this got my interest), a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. 
 
 
I found the first and last paragraphs most interesting.
 
Maybe instead of mentioning the ex, the bounty hungers, and the Zenthielutos... mention how Blake defeats them.
Also if you could mention why she is an ex from military, that could add to her character. Like why was she removed from military.


#3 BCVail

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 09:17 AM

 

Hi, folks! You guys helped me immensely with my last query back in March. I got a lot of interest, and got SO close to getting an agent! Hoping this next book gives me that final push. 

 

Let me know if I can help you with any of your queries! :D 

 

I'll post the most recent draft on this post, with strikethroughs of old versions. :) 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

Version 1

 

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass) regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them. (I always thought parenthesis read odd in a query, maybe try an em dash... --ex-military, current badass--)

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm. Nothing will impede her search—not the (her?) cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously captaining the Hulahoo. 
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying (I am unsure if this would work better or not if the sister part was mentioned earlier... there is something just a little off with it as is but I can't put my finger on it), Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos (unsure who this is, and there are quite a few formal names so far) stumble on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. (I think you may need to clarify how the eye can either save her sisters life or devour the galaxy... will it devour the galaxy as the cost of saving her sister life? But this is a great way to work in high stakes)

 

I like the concept and there is good voice in here.

 

 

If you have a moment, I'd appreciate another set of eyes on my query. You can find the link here. Thank you.



#4 bkarperien

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 09:35 AM

 

Hi, folks! You guys helped me immensely with my last query back in March. I got a lot of interest, and got SO close to getting an agent! Hoping this next book gives me that final push. 

 

Let me know if I can help you with any of your queries! :D 

 

I'll post the most recent draft on this post, with strikethroughs of old versions. :) 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

Version 1

 

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass (LOL!)) regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them.

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm. Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien who ran the Hulahoo before Blake took over. Because whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune, and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Considering her sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumbles on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. 
Man, do those stakes pack a punch.
I'd read this in a heartbeat. However, there were a couple times when I felt you sacrificed clarity and plot for voice. The voice is fantastic, but you could balance it a little better.
All in all, though, I loved this.

 


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#5 JoQwerty

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 10:02 AM

@Novelarnia, take my two-cents for what it's worth:

 

I had to read the second paragraph three times after tripping up over the pronouns. "Blake Bishop" sounds like a man's name. I never knew "Blake" could be used as women's first name, but I was enlightened by a quick visit to a baby naming site. Nevertheless, you might want to rewrite the query without so many proper names. Some query-writing-advice sites suggest not using any proper names in a query, while other's suggest not naming anyone or anything other than the MC. At the moment you have five names (Blake Bishop, Hulahoo, Zenthielutos, Kiera, Eye of the Storm ). This is too many. Some of them like "Kiera" are easy to get rid of: "And considering his sister is terminally ill, he needs that ability." Eliminating the other names require a bit more work, but it can be done.

 

Good luck!

 



#6 Cengel

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 01:48 PM

Hey there! Thanks for taking a look at my query. In my most recent draft, I tried a new approach to it, and your comments helped point out a couple things that I took for granted that need to be explained a bit better. I hope my comments are also helpful.

 

 

Hi, folks! You guys helped me immensely with my last query back in March. I got a lot of interest, and got SO close to getting an agent! Hoping this next book gives me that final push. 

 

Let me know if I can help you with any of your queries! :D 

 

I'll post the most recent draft on this post, with strikethroughs of old versions. :) 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

Version 1

 

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass) the parenthesis and info inside doesn't bother me - I think it communicates voice. There might be some agents who are turned off by it, but those agents might not be a good fit for your story in that case anyway regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them. I think this is an effective hook. 

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, I don't think you need the "in Blake's humble opinion." Based on how you used the parenthesis in the last paragraph, you are communicating Blake's voice within them. Getting rid of it also helps cut a few words from the sentence, which is somewhat long just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm. Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously captaining the Hulahoo.  Why is her ex tasked with dragging her home? Is he one of the bounty hunters? It seems like they would be the ones tasked with capturing her.
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. I put finds in red because you used it twice in the same sentence. I would try to replace one of them with a different word. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumble on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. Good twist. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. I think these last two sentences need a little work. They Eye of the Storm becomes a little unclear - a writing mass of machines and corpses sounds creepy., but why is it devouring her solar system? Did Blake somehow trigger this, or has it already been happening? Also, you mentioned that it isn't her saving grace, but then the last sentence seems to imply that she can choose to use it to save Kiera somehow (if this isn't what you mean, that's unclear).
 
Overall, I actually think you have a really strong first draft here, particularly with the first and second paragraphs. I like that the stakes are laid out in the last paragraph, but I think it could be reworked in order to make things more clear.  Also, I agree with others that your query might be a little too name heavy. Thanks again for your feedback on my query! 

 


Please take a look at my query.


#7 rewrighter

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 06:01 PM

Seventeen-year-old veteran Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass) regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them.

 
After all, securing the  Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) ,suggest: ​cantankerous pain in her ass that it is, was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm,  insert what this is, i.e., the lost ship said to be worth bazillions of credits, etc. Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously ​do you mean it was the previous captain? is it hooked up to the ship? suggest making this clear, so it makes sense why she keeps it around captaining the Hulahoo. 
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumble on a derelict ship so guessing from your mention later in this sentence, the derelict ship IS the Eye of the Storm? Why not just say that right away?  listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system,all by itself? What started this now? it was there for centuries and all of a sudden it starts devouring things? Did Blake turn it on? suggest making this clear Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. this sounds pat, but its a bit of a plot hole. This thing can devour solar systems yet it's also possible she can take it home and save her sister's life....? you have more words you can use in this Q before you hit the 250 limit. Suggest fleshing this out a bit so it isn't nonsensical. 
 
Otherwise, this sounds like a fun story. Best of luck and if you can, take a look at my Q on the forum. Thanks!


#8 Iconian

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Posted 13 July 2017 - 08:56 PM

[Consider starting off with something like in the year 2xxx, seventeen-year-old etc., to give a sense of setting right off the bat.  For added oomph, if possible, try to pinpoint the exact moment when Blake is feeling this regret, to enhance flavor and really bring it home for the reader.  For example:]

 

In the year 2525, marooned on planet Diphtheria with no food or water and barely enough fuel for an orbit-hop, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass) regrets a lot of things.  But hijacking that starship is not one of them . . . [Your opening sentence is so abrupt that I would then follow up with ellipses, to help ease the reader into the rest of the query.  You could even add still more context.  ". . . regrets a lot of things.  Like flushing half the air out of the ship, and the previous tactical officer with it.  Or damaging the navigational array in the firefight just before that.  Or asking said tactical officer for information on security checkpoints, just prior to THAT.  But hijacking that starship is not one of those regrets . . .]

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) [This would sound better to me as, "just the worst little starship in the Milky Way, in Blake’s humble opinion" ] was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm. [Maybe a few quick words here on what the "Eye" is--"an ancient prism of startling opulence--and power," etc.]  Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (and her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously captaining the Hulahoo.  [The last part of this sentence is unclear to me.  Is Zenthielutos the name of a single alien, or a race of aliens?  If it's a single alien, it would be clearer if it said "certainly not Zenthielutos."  And if everyone always calls it "the Zenthielutos," then capitalizing "the" would be clearer--"certainly not The Zenthielutos."]
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. [I'd remove the comma.]  But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumble on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, [should be "star system," or "the Solar system."  Sol is the specific name of Earths' sun; the Solar system is the star system in which Sol is located.] Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most.
 
 
Overall I think I like the query.  I'd mostly just consider beefing it up a little.  Seems perhaps a tad short, but I think a lot of it will come down to the preferences of the agent.  But either way I figure the query should do a good job of interesting an agent.

My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#9 lyncfs

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 05:55 PM

 

Hi, folks! You guys helped me immensely with my last query back in March. I got a lot of interest, and got SO close to getting an agent! Hoping this next book gives me that final push. 

 

Let me know if I can help you with any of your queries! :D 

 

I'll post the most recent draft on this post, with strikethroughs of old versions. :) 

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

Version 2

 

[Special thanks to all of you awesome contributors! Especially Iconian--your edits were awesome!]

 

On March 1st, ​In 3052, stranded in the asteroid belt, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo for a galaxy-wide treasure hunt may not have been her brightest idea. ​(This a cute hook, but is the date important? Is the place where she is stranded? I would start with the protagonist's name or else I don't know who you are talking about. I think you can shorten the sentence with my above edits.)
 
The mission was simple enough: an ex-soldier (and current badass) armed with military-grade weapons and very loose morals steals a civilian ship. Ex-soldier locates the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Ex-soldier takes the Eye home to her dying sister, and poof! Happily Ever After. ​You keep mentioning ex-soldier but I have no idea who this is. Do you mean Blake? If so, just state her name. Is this what happened? Seems like backstory and I would cut it. You might just want to have one sentence about what is at stake for Blake. I assume, it is her sister is dying and she's set out to find the Eye of the Storm to cure her.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien ​(lots of adjectives here, pick one) captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye, something no one’s ever managed ​(why? what makes it so difficult to find?). The treasure hunt is brimming with cryptic clues and inherent danger. ​(this is a bit vague can you give more details) (Blake’s favorite!), But ​when they finally tracking the Eye of the Storm to a derelict starship listing in ​a the asteroid belt, Except when they board, it’s not a healing artifact that awaits them—the Eye is actually  ​but an intelligent, writhing mass of machines and corpses ​(I'm confused how it could be a machine and corpse all at once? Is the eye an organic lifeform or a robot? You might just want to simply the description)… and it’s going to destroy all organic life.  now that ​And Blake has set it free. ​(Ok, you get the point of my editing but you are cramming too much information into one sentence. I would cut and condense)
 
But when Blake discovers the Eye used to be a collection of nanites that could, in fact, stop illness in its tracks, she’s faced with a decision: destroy the Eye and save all organic life in the galaxy… or preserve it to save the one life that matters most? ​(Wait, you just said above it's can't heal people and now it can? You need to clarify this as it's confusing).

 

--------------------------------------------

 

Version 1

 

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass) regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them.

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm. Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously captaining the Hulahoo. 
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumble on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. 

 

 

Interesting premise and I like the voice. Just work on clarifying the plot and shortening your sentences.


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#10 rewrighter

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 05:58 PM

​Unlike Iconian, I'm not sure starting with a date works. It does get across the sci fi vibe right away but it's kinda meh. The phrase: "After months stranded on an asteroid belt" gets across the same idea w/o stumbling over a date.  On March 1st, 3052, stranded in the asteroid belt, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally must admit that hijacking the Hulahoo for a galaxy-wide treasure hunt  don't think you need this clause. it makes your first sentence way too long and you address it in the next sentence anyway. Also, I think the hijacking and the setting is a good enough hook. may not have been her brightest idea. 

 
The Her mission was simple enough: an ex-soldier (and current badass) armed with military-grade weapons and very loose morals again, you're going for voice but the sentence is sooooo long. also, the loose morals are implied in the hijacking steals a civilian ship. Ex-soldier locates the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Ex-soldier takes the Eye home to her dying sister, and poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye, something no one’s ever managed. The treasure hunt is brimming with cryptic clues and inherent danger (Blake’s favorite!), but they finally tracking the Eye of the Storm to a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except when they board, it’s not a healing artifact that awaits them. The Eye is actually an intelligent, writhing mass of machines and corpses… and it’s going to destroy all organic life now that Blake has set it free.I think you still have words to play with here. why would it destroy organic life just because? is it mad it was stuck in the asteroid belt? (assuming this is the same asteroid belt you mentioned earlier.) and what about the fame and fortune promised earlier? where did Blake get that idea?
 
But when Blake discovers the Eye used to be a collection of nanites that could, in fact, stop illness in its tracks, she’s faced with a decision: destroy the Eye and save all organic life in the galaxy… or preserve it to save the one life that matters most? OK, - good enough stakes but still a little meh. I'm getting a Guardians of the Galaxy vibe without enough of the humor. 
 
Speaking of...what about the idea that Bryce negotiates with The Eye and somehow they both win? You've got a good start on Blake's voice here, and the potential for humor is huge and something I know agents really like, esp. in this genre bc it's so rare.  I'm hoping that Blake's bad assery extends to wicked negotiation skills and she pulls off a Guardians of the Galaxy-type win. (which you could totally use as a comp title if that was true.) That would be SO COOL.  But that's just me. 
Otherwise, this is a much better version of your Q.


#11 bkarperien

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 06:21 PM

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Version 2

 

[Special thanks to all of you awesome contributors! Especially Iconian--your edits were awesome!]

 

(I agree what was said, I didn't feel like the date worked here. Other than that, this is a great hook.)
On March 1st, 3052, stranded in an asteroid belt, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo for a galaxy-wide treasure hunt may not have been her brightest idea. 
 
The mission was simple enough: an ex-soldier (and current badass) armed with military-grade weapons and very loose morals steals a civilian ship. Ex-soldier locates the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Ex-soldier takes the Eye home to her dying sister, and poof! Happily Ever After. (I love the voice here. 
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye, something no one’s ever managed. The treasure hunt is brimming with cryptic clues and inherent danger (Blake’s favorite!), but they finally track the Eye of the Storm to a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except when they board, it’s not a healing benevolent artifact that awaits them. The Eye is actually an intelligent (sentient, maybe? Intelligent didn't seem quite right), writhing mass of machines and corpses, and it’s going to destroy all organic life now that Blake has set it free.
 
But when Blake discovers the Eye used to be a collection of nanites that could, in fact, stop illness in its tracks, (this is too backstory-ish at this point. Something like: Blake discovers that the eye is indeed capable of saving her sister...)
she’s faced with a decision: destroy the Eye and save all organic life in the galaxy, or preserve it to save the one life that matters most. 

(Now that doesn't sound like much of a decision, because all organic life in the galaxy would include her and her sister, so what would be the point in saving her if she's just gonna get killed? The stakes could use a little clearing up)

 

Mostly just nit-picky changes here, it's definitely a lot better than the first version, and more focused! Voice is still fabulous. 

 


Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#12 Iconian

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 07:35 PM

A lot has happened with this thread very quickly.  Alright, another go it is. 
 
 
 
 
 
Well, [Starting with "Well" does not strike me as a good idea--it sounds much too informal to me.  But if you really like it, then I'd try to follow it with something even more humorous or ironic.  And the entire paragraph doesn't give even a vague sense of time or place--it's supposed to be the distant future, but Blake Bishop could easily be hijacking an old wooden ship in 1752.  I still stand by the idea of giving the reader a year, and perhaps an asteroid name or planet name, right off the bat.  I don't think that giving an exact date is a good idea, but at least the year will give your prospective agent an idea of what kind of book you're pitching them--a futuristic sci-fi adventure.]
 
seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 
 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian ship by way of military-grade weapons (and very loose morals). [I think of two ways to make that last bit work better.  I think it would sound better if you simply removed the parentheses.  While it still doesn't quite sound great, I do think it would sound better.  Better still though, make the whole line even more poignant, something like, "steal a civilian ship by way of military-grade weapons, and sex, and murder, and pretty much anything else necessary."]   Locate the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.  [I wouldn't say "Poof!  Happily Ever After."  Not in a query.  But that could just be me.]
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And [even] after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye (a feat, ["a true feat" or "quite a feat" or [a feat itself"] considering most people don’t even believe it exists). What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. 
 

 

But those tiny machines were actually created to stop illness in its tracks, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including her little sister. No pressure.
 
 
 
It sounds like even more of a fast, fun adventure than before.  I'd probably go for a more formal tone myself, but if you want your book to be more of a quick snack than a meal, I'll bet you can find an agent that will as well.

My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#13 bkarperien

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 07:45 PM

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop is finally forced to admit that hijacking the starship Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 

 

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian ship by way of military-grade weapons (and very loose morals) (I like the cheekiness, but it doesn't flow. One can't use loose morals to steal a ship :( Kill your darlings. ) Locate the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After. (Nice!)
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. (Good improvement) And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye, which would be a feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. (I felt that the brackets minimized the importance of this)  What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again.  (Nice, this gives me just enough information. But I felt like this needed a link to the next para: E.G. The smart thing to do would be to destroy it.
But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives. Blake is pretty sure she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. 
 
I love it even more now :)

Check out my query :)

Or, if you're really awesome, check out my synopsis.

 


#14 Rbevin17

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 09:46 PM

Love your query! I can really hear the voice.  I could only think of minor word changes. 

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor. Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And Even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is A galaxy-wide treasure hunt ensues that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines (like nanomachines? smaller?) that survive (stronger, more horrific word? like feed off of?) in the organic bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going (stronger word? planning to? programmed to?) to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it. 
 
But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. 


#15 ThatDan

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Posted 15 July 2017 - 04:59 AM

A brief note on "Poof!"

I'm no magician, but this just stood out as the wrong word. To me, poof is the onomatopoeia for when a magician makes something disappear in a cloud of smoke. Poof! - Gone!

I immediatley imagined Blake's sister vanishing instead of being cured. :/ oops...

Maybe consider something like "Ta da!" or "Voila!"

 

Also, fwiw, I liked "loose morals"



#16 lyncfs

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 05:43 PM

 

Hi, folks! You guys helped me immensely with my last query back in March. I got a lot of interest, and got SO close to getting an agent! Hoping this next book gives me that final push. 

 

Let me know if I can help you with any of your queries! :D 

 

I'll post the most recent draft on this post, with strikethroughs of old versions. :) 

 

----------------------------------

 

Version 4

 

[ Mostly the same, but I made a few tweaks. You guys are awesome. :D ]

 

Well, ​(I don't like starting the sentence with this word. It made me pause.) ​Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the ​starship (agents are going to wonder what this is? I only know, cause I read your last query) Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching ​(ha this made me laugh) set of body armor. Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After. ​(great voice)
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics (again, I still find this confusing. Could you simpfly? I don't think it's critical we know how the Eye lives)… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it.​(I don't really like this last sentence)
 
But those tiny machines were  ​The Eye was originally ​(tweak this so it's not an adverb and passive but you can see how easily you could simplify) created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. ​(Good stakes!)

 

-----------------------------------

 

Version 3

 

[ God, you guys are good. How you even see shit like this, I'll never know. <3 I know a lot of people advocated removing the "loose morals" part, but I feel like that's a piece of Blake's voice. I'm stupidly attached to it. Deleting it was too tough this go-around, but if you guys really think it should go, tell me again and I'll see what I can do... T.T

 

I appreciate the feedback! You guys rock. ]

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 
 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian ship by way of military-grade weapons (and very loose morals). Locate the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye (a feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists). What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. 
 

 

But those tiny machines were actually created to stop illness in its tracks, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including her little sister. No pressure. 

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

Version 2

 

[Special thanks to all of you awesome contributors! Especially Iconian--your edits were awesome!]

 

On March 1st, 3052, stranded in the asteroid belt, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo for a galaxy-wide treasure hunt may not have been her brightest idea. 
 
The mission was simple enough: an ex-soldier (and current badass) armed with military-grade weapons and very loose morals steals a civilian ship. Ex-soldier locates the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Ex-soldier takes the Eye home to her dying sister, and poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye, something no one’s ever managed. The treasure hunt is brimming with cryptic clues and inherent danger (Blake’s favorite!), but they finally tracking the Eye of the Storm to a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except when they board, it’s not a healing artifact that awaits them—the Eye is actually an intelligent, writhing mass of machines and corpses… and it’s going to destroy all organic life now that Blake has set it free.
 
But when Blake discovers the Eye used to be a collection of nanites that could, in fact, stop illness in its tracks, she’s faced with a decision: destroy the Eye and save all organic life in the galaxy… or preserve it to save the one life that matters most? 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

Version 1

 

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass) regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them.

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm. Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously captaining the Hulahoo. 
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumble on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. 

 

 

Great query and voice. Your book sounds hilarious and fun. You just need to condense some of the words so it's easier to understand. I revised my query, if you have a chance to take a second look. And thanks for your kind comments!


THE IMMORTAL GUARD. Link to my query. Please critique, if I have reviewed yours.

#17 EMarie

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 12:58 PM

I'm late in the game to an already polished piece of work, but I'll try to chip in too. 

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor. Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor. Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it. 
 
But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. 
 
I really like your voice. Phrases like "well" I think at the end of the day are probably up to the author's discretion. For me "no pressure" might sound a little cliched, but again, the tone is right. Author's discretion. I would probably not overuse colons, and I think there are two in one paragraph, which might be one too many.
 
I think the phrase "a smart person would destroy it" belongs in the last paragraph because it's the same idea as what your exploring in the final paragraph--whether or not Blake is going to destroy the Eye. I also would cut the first time you mention the Eye destroying everyone in the universe since the same idea appears in the last paragraph. 
 
Example:
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive.
 
A smart person would destroy the Eye. But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister.
 
No pressure. 


#18 BCVail

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 12:34 PM

 

Hi, folks! You guys helped me immensely with my last query back in March. I got a lot of interest, and got SO close to getting an agent! Hoping this next book gives me that final push. 

 

Let me know if I can help you with any of your queries! :D 

 

I'll post the most recent draft on this post, with strikethroughs of old versions. :) 

 

----------------------------------

 

Version 4

 

[ Mostly the same, but I made a few tweaks. You guys are awesome. :D ]

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo (I wouldn't know what the Hulahoo is without having read a previous version... maybe try the starship Hulahoo or just hijacking a starship) may not have been her brightest idea. (Otherwise, great hook)

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor. Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths (maybe just me, but this seems flowery... maybe grants) the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After. (Great voice here)
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive (this seems like a big description to take in at once but I don't have any suggestions how to simplify). And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it. (Not sure if I like this last line or not.)
 
But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. (Great place to finish, stakes set up nicely)

 

-----------------------------------

 

I like this better than your laster version. The stakes are good and your voice is coming through quite nicely.

 

 

 

If you have a moment, I'd appreciate another look at my latest revision. You can find the link here. Thank you.



#19 eric balson

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 05:42 PM

As already pointed out by the other users, you nail the voice in your query. However, i don't think you should start your query with well, and i have no idea what Hulahoo is when i first encounter the word. Otherwise, you have a great query on your hands.

Hope this helps. Please review my own query here (post #62): 

 

Hi, folks! You guys helped me immensely with my last query back in March. I got a lot of interest, and got SO close to getting an agent! Hoping this next book gives me that final push. 

 

Let me know if I can help you with any of your queries! :D 

 

I'll post the most recent draft on this post, with strikethroughs of old versions. :) 

 

----------------------------------

 

Version 4

 

[ Mostly the same, but I made a few tweaks. You guys are awesome. :D ]

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor. Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it. 
 
But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. 

 

-----------------------------------

 

Version 3

 

[ God, you guys are good. How you even see shit like this, I'll never know. <3 I know a lot of people advocated removing the "loose morals" part, but I feel like that's a piece of Blake's voice. I'm stupidly attached to it. Deleting it was too tough this go-around, but if you guys really think it should go, tell me again and I'll see what I can do... T.T

 

I appreciate the feedback! You guys rock. ]

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. 
 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian ship by way of military-grade weapons (and very loose morals). Locate the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye (a feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists). What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. 
 

 

But those tiny machines were actually created to stop illness in its tracks, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including her little sister. No pressure. 

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

Version 2

 

[Special thanks to all of you awesome contributors! Especially Iconian--your edits were awesome!]

 

On March 1st, 3052, stranded in the asteroid belt, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo for a galaxy-wide treasure hunt may not have been her brightest idea. 
 
The mission was simple enough: an ex-soldier (and current badass) armed with military-grade weapons and very loose morals steals a civilian ship. Ex-soldier locates the Eye of the Storm—a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Ex-soldier takes the Eye home to her dying sister, and poof! Happily Ever After.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye, something no one’s ever managed. The treasure hunt is brimming with cryptic clues and inherent danger (Blake’s favorite!), but they finally tracking the Eye of the Storm to a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except when they board, it’s not a healing artifact that awaits them—the Eye is actually an intelligent, writhing mass of machines and corpses… and it’s going to destroy all organic life now that Blake has set it free.
 
But when Blake discovers the Eye used to be a collection of nanites that could, in fact, stop illness in its tracks, she’s faced with a decision: destroy the Eye and save all organic life in the galaxy… or preserve it to save the one life that matters most? 

 

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Version 1

 

Seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop (ex-military, current badass) regrets a lot of things, but hijacking that starship is not one of them.

 
After all, securing the Hulahoo (in Blake’s humble opinion, just the worst little starship in the Milky Way) was merely step one in a galaxy-wide treasure hunt for the ultimate prize: the Eye of the Storm. Nothing will impede her search—not the cheating ex tasked with dragging her home, not the bounty hunters after her head (or her ultra-rare, stolen body armor), and certainly not the Zenthielutos, the charmingly dangerous alien previously captaining the Hulahoo. 
 
After all, whoever finds the Eye of the Storm finds fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. And considering Blake’s sister Kiera is dying, Blake really needs that ability. 
 
Crazy exes and bounty hunters, she can handle. But when Blake and Zenthielutos stumble on a derelict ship listing in the asteroid belt, they quickly realize the Eye of the Storm isn’t Kiera’s saving grace. It’s a horror kept secret for centuries, a writhing mass of machines and corpses that threatens to destroy everything. When the Eye begins devouring her solar system, Blake has to decide between saving all life… or just the one that matters most. 

 



#20 Sataris

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 11:01 PM

 

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been wasn't her brightest idea.

 

The well did jar me a bit at first, but I think it's probably worth it. Imparts a good amount of voice.

 
Her mission was seemed simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor, then use the ship to locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After.
 
My edit here makes the first sentence a bit long so you probably don't want to use it, but it might help to join the two ideas a bit better. otherwise it seems like her mission is simple; hijack a ship. then we get introduced to another separate mission
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. Is there a time jump here? From the first line, I assumed that she had actually already hijacked the ship And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes ends with a derelict starship listing in the an asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive or in their remains. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to "consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it. It seems like you could work some more self-deprecating humor in here in place of "a smart person"
 
But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. love this ending

 

 

Overall this looks really good. The voice is really engaging and humorous. It ends on a great note too. I hope that was helpful. if you've got a moment, my query is in my signature


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