Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Eye of the Storm -- YA Sci Fi

Fiction Young Adult Science Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
21 replies to this topic

#21 Kjcloutier19

Kjcloutier19

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 48 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:I have had a short story published in a school anthology, but my goal now is to publish the novel I have been working on for the past couple of years.

Posted 20 July 2017 - 11:48 PM

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. (Oh my gosh, I love this already) 

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor. Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After. (Again, this is great)
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it. 
 

But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. 

 

(Well, 25 year old Kim Cloutier can finally admit that she's found a query that she can't seem to critique. Seriously though, I really like this. I would read it in a heart beat. I honestly can't find anything that I didn't like. I suppose the only thing that made me pause was wondering if this was a book #2, only because it seemed like so much of the story had already happened in the query, while most queries start at the beginning of the story. But I don't think that's actually a problem, becaue I still think the query worked. I hope that made sense. Anyway, it was great, I think you've got it. Best of luck to you!)



#22 MICRONESIA

MICRONESIA

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 52 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted Yesterday, 07:56 AM

 

 

Well, seventeen-year-old Blake Bishop can finally admit that hijacking the Hulahoo may not have been her brightest idea. Okay, I'm gonna KINDA nitpick here. "Too many words." (Amadeus, anyone?) I think this is a nice hook, but it doesn't quite *pop* rhythmically. You REALLY want your hook to be the height of perfection, but I kinda stumble over this one. There's so much information crammed in here that I had to read it twice. Is there a way to convey the MAIN COMPONENTS here with fewer words? Or rearrange it so it works rhythmically?

 
Her mission was simple enough: steal a civilian starship by way of military-grade weapons and a bitching set of body armor. Great voice! Locate the Eye of the Storm: a legendary artifact that bequeaths the discoverer fame, fortune… and the rumored ability to cure any disease. Bring the Eye home to her dying sister. Poof! Happily Ever After. See what I mean? These sentences pop. Make your hook do this.
 
Except Zenthielutos, the charming alien captain of the Hulahoo, isn’t stepping down without a fight. And even after they strike a tenuous agreement, Blake still has to find the Eye—which would be quite the feat, considering most people don’t even believe it exists. What ensues is a galaxy-wide treasure hunt that concludes with a derelict starship listing in the asteroid belt. Except it’s not a benevolent artifact that awaits them. Turns out, the Eye is actually a sentient mass of tiny machines that survive in the bodies of organics… dead or alive. And now that Blake has (oh so helpfully) freed it, it’s going to consume all organic life so it’s never stranded again. A smart person would destroy it. 
 
But those tiny machines were originally created to stop illness and save lives, and Blake is pretty certain she can reset the Eye to its original (non-horrific, non-murdering) state. Of course, if she’s wrong, the Eye will destroy everyone in the galaxy, including Blake and her little sister. No pressure. 

 

 

 

Awesome query! This isn't really my genre, but I'm intrigued enough to check this out. That's a great sign. I think you're close, if not already there.

 

Now the real question is... is your NOVEL this pared down and precise? :)

 

 

Please have a look at my query as well (link in sig).







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Young Adult, Science Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users