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Shallow World: A Sunny-Thorned Seed for the Untold Stories (New Adult romantic dramedy)

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#41 dogsbody

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 02:51 AM

The Name of the Wind is fantasy; Jonathan Strange... is a doorstopper, yes, with illustrations, footnotes, and it's alt/history/fantasy. Both were also more than a decade ago. 

 

I did say they were both fantasy. 

 

TNOTW was not more than a decade ago, unless you are counting mere months. JSAMR was less than fifteen years ago. 

 

It's harder to name multiple titles under these circumstances that are more recent because they are so rare, but anything published after 2000 is still considered fairly recent in this market. 

 

 

 

The OP is attempting to sell an NA contemporary -- NA is barely hanging on as a category as it is. It's not supporting outliers.  

 

Possibly true! But your original statement was "You will not sell a 270,000 novel. Will not happen. Even a fantasy that won't fly." And I wanted to show that it was untrue.

 

 

 

 

In addition, what examples are there of trade publishers buying debut cliffhanger books? I don't know of anything even remotely close to that. It'd be hard to sell a non standalone from a known author. From an unknown? Not happening. I'm sorry. 

 

They're all over YA fantasy, and not unknown in fantasy and scifi in general. Again, not the author's genre. But you made a blanket statement which, again, I found to be... misleading.

 

 

 

 

I'm not trying to be discouraging -- I'm trying to help. Saying 'one time, this one thing in another category broke the rules,' doesn't suggest this, now, can break SEVERAL rules all at once and be successful.

 

I don't think I tried to suggest that at all. In fact, I believe if you read the rest of my comment, I went to pains to stress that this is not an approach I would encourage... but that doesn't mean it's doomed from the outset. Just a lot more difficult to pull off. 

 

I understand you're trying to be helpful. And I don't disagree with your general argument. But either you're fudging the facts in order to give weight to your argument, or you simply don't have all the facts at your disposal. Either way, I seek to correct misinformation when I see it. 

 

All we have to offer here is our opinions -- even different agents have differing opinions on how to write a good query letter, or what an appropriate wordcount per genre might be. (I can pull up three contradicting blog posts by three respected sources right now.) Which is hopefully very helpful, in that a variety of perspectives might assist a would-be author in figuring out which approach suits them best. 

 

But I do think it's dangerous to speak in absolutes, i.e. "this will NEVER happen" or "you MUST do this," etc. (Especially if those things have happened, or other people have NOT done those things and succeeded, etc.) Guidelines are helpful, but they are in no way a guarantee. 



#42 EMarie

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 01:23 PM

Jynnete and Katy, 20, have been best friends for over a decade—but after a racially-motivated shooting occurs at the Merson Valley, California college, they start to get pulled in opposing directions. (I would say "they are pulled in opposite directions"--leave out "start.") The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is emotional and energetic, free-spirited and sensitive, and looking to break into fashion (Katy is free-spirited and sensitive fashionista, while Jynette is a brooding chemistry major who thinks deeply about religion and politics--or something like that); Jynnete is a thinker with an angry streak pursuing a chemistry degree, and considers herself a Christian feminist. Their differences are perhaps nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, (end sentence here) with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her protector. And now, with Jynnete having just seethingly dumped her latest boyfriend, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever. (I would combine these sentences and really condense these ideas--"Katy, despite her string of breakups, is as much of a romantic as ever, but after her boyfriend leaves her, Jynette quickly loses patience with men and is pushed to the brink of forswearing dating forever"--you get the idea!)

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with their community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” very little can be taken for granted. (Have a stronger transition between this paragraph and the one before.) While a seemingly great guy falls into Jynnete's lap, Katy's newest boyfriend is practically the worst guy around—at least in Jynnete's eyes. For one of the first times in her life Jynnete feels powerless, watching as he leads Katy in almost every perilous direction that she had tried to help her avoid. (I would maybe include something about what is happening with the racial tensions in Merson Valley, and then end the query here. I would avoid telling too much in the query.)

 

Katy begins to contemplate marriage, while Jynnete struggles with increasing zeal to break Katy free, and soon tensions flare and accusations of prejudice fly. All around them schisms open up among the Merson Valley locals, with business boycotts, a mayoral recall election, and even riots just on the horizon. And in her own life, as Jynnete battles to retain stability and normalcy, she feels herself being driven away from her friends, her new boyfriend, her beliefs, and more, even as untold stories send them all careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is a fast-paced New Adult romance hybrid. In 2006 I was one of 12 candidates selected out of hundreds as a copywriter for a financial institution. After a year as a copywriter life led me down other paths, but I've now returned to my love of writing once more.

 

Be sure to mention word count. Also, I'd probably not stress the copywriting too much since this is a fiction project, that's my opinion though. Maybe just talk about what you have in common with your characters or other info about yourself--why you're best suited to tell this story.



#43 Springfield

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 02:49 PM

Thank you again to everyone who's responded today!  Tomorrow I plan on getting a new version of the query out.  It's really quite an experience being on this forum, hearing so many different viewpoints on my writing.  Definitely something new.  I think I'm growing as a writer for it.

 

secondstar87, thank you--yes, I've always been a pretty brave person.  I feel like literature can do so much in our world.  This book, if it does get published, might actually have a chance to fix some of the gridlock in our world, I think.  I'm glad you like the characters.  Hopefully the readers will feel the same :D

 

 

Now . . .

 

 

OK.  Perhaps it is time for me to address some of this.

 

First of all, Springfield, just because no one's ever done something before, that you're aware of, or even that I'm aware of, doesn't mean it's not going to work.  Nor does it necessarily mean it will work--but I think all I've experienced from you virtually from the moment I joined this forum is a stream of reasons why everything I've written is bad.  I don't mind constructive criticism, but really, how often do you actually make attempts to encourage writers out there--or, say, direct them toward useful resources that could actually help them increase their chances for publication?

 

I AM trying to increase your chances for publication. Telling you it'll be fine, or that you can do anything if you try hard enough, isn't helpful, imo. 

 

  Or is your primary intent on this site to check off a list with every possible reason a given book might fail, and discourage writers from even trying?  That's sure what it seems like.  How many blossoming writers have you torpedoed before they even had a chance to spread their wings and fly?

 

I don't know what 'a chance to spread their wings and fly' is supposed to mean. You, and everyone, are free to do whatever you wish, obviously. I'm trying to help you by keeping you from sending out queries that will just get autorejected and burn those agents. 

 

I appreciate your constructive criticism--I do--but maybe I ought to give you a little taste of it yourself.

 

I don't know you well, but just from my dealings with you within the last few days, you seem like an incredibly inflexible person.  Instead of looking for ways a book might succeed and be enjoyed by readers, all you seem to see are reasons for it to fail, based on all the requirements you've read out there.  Granted that this is from the very cursory contact I've had with you on this thread, but it's my suspicion that other writers would back me up.  Again, how many writers have you pushed away from the industry through your barrage of negativity, without ever catching sight of their potential?  Possibly it's none--apparently you've only been on the site about a year and a half, and there are plenty of others giving opinions on stuff.  But what I'm not understanding is, if you're so experienced and knowledgeable about how the industry works, why not give me some meaningful advice on publishers and agents that are exceptions to the commonly accepted rules you always bring up, instead of just telling me there's no way my book will sell?

 

You want me to tell you about the agents who want NA books 3x the normal length that are not standalone? I have never heard of such a thing. Why you think it's encouraging to say 'well, you never know, some miracle might happen,' instead of, 'there are ways to make it work -- here's how,'' I don't know, but that seems like perspective.

 

Beyond that: so far as NA goes, it's still a young genre.  I figure you know it only came to be considered a real genre about ten years ago, but since then, from what I've read it's grown quite a lot.  I first read about it around a year ago, and it fills a niche that neither YA nor Adult nor any other genre covers.  My (admittedly uninformed) opinion is that now that the genre has come into existence, it will never disappear.  It might wax and wane as the years go by as with many trends, maybe like disco or something, but it's a genre of writing that I think a lot more people would read, if they even knew it existed.

 

I don't know why you think it will never disappear, but ok. The only debate I hear about NA over the past 6 months to a year is whether it's actually dead or still vaguely a thing that exists. It started as romance, people figured it would grow to encompass other genres (NA, like YA, is a category, not a genre), and it sort of had some traction in paranormal and then dropped back to romance pretty much and then people sort of gave up. The number of agents requesting it has fallen off sharply; it's not really stocked as a thing most places. No one can tell the future,and maybe something will happen to revive interest in it, but nothing currently going on suggests it's going to be around much longer. 

 

In fact, maybe Shallow will even be the book that really puts the genre on the map.  But since--so far as I can tell--you've been exclusively looking for reasons why Shallow will fail, I suppose that's something that likely hasn't entered into the rather narrow requirements you seem to have concluded for how a book can be successful--in spite the various exceptions to those rules.

 

I'm looking for ways to help you get requests off your query. I didn't make up publishing conventions or the market. Agents get hundreds of queries a week. You have like 20 seconds to convince them to not hit delete. Same as an elevator pitch -- if you got into an elevator with your dream agent, and had the time between floors to sell your book, you'd need to be able to do it, in a sentence or two, not start explaining why the agent should wait 10 minutes because you're different. 

 

And as far as word count, yes, the 121,000 words for part 1 could probably be reduced by a few thousand and the ms would be tighter for it.  But frankly this is a different kind of book, and once it gets out there I think most of the fans will agree that the word count was much more than justified.

 

You don't have fans. To have fans, you have to have the book published. To do that.... see where I'm going with this? Also, you don't know how many, many, many people have told me their work just couldn't be cut. It can almost always be cut, substantially, and be the better for it. Occasionally that's not true, but ... it's really almost always true, and everyone thinks they're the exception, and then see their work is much better cut down.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to attempt to address all the points you've brought up throughout the course of this thread, seeing as I have a query to focus on.  I will simply say again that just because you've never seen something like I'm suggesting work, doesn't mean it can't.

 

Thank you for your comments, but I would appreciate it, and find it much more useful, if instead of solely pointing out possibilities for failure, you'd also use your energy to give me some pointers on who out there might be willing to pick up a book like mine.  That would probably help me a lot, and I'm guessing you likely have a lot more familiarity with the industry than I.

 

I probably do. No one I know of.I don't know of everyone, god knows, but I don't know why you'd want to limit yourself so severely, instead of making your work appealing to more people.

 

This is not said out of anger, only constructive criticism.  I hope you'll take some of it to heart.

 

 

 

Tomorrow I'll plan on the next version of my query, as well as giving out some more critiques--see you all then!

 

 

I read werelord series that had cliffhangers till the final book (number 6) was published. You can sell your huge book into two separate books. It's for the agent to decide if the first one will be a big success to guarantee  the need of a second one.

 

But it's a big risk.

 

Fair enough -- though that's MG, and by a very, very known quantity, not a debut adult author, so I do think that's different in substantial ways.

 

I did say they were both fantasy. 

 

TNOTW was not more than a decade ago, unless you are counting mere months. JSAMR was less than fifteen years ago. 

 

I was counting from submission.

 

It's harder to name multiple titles under these circumstances that are more recent because they are so rare, but anything published after 2000 is still considered fairly recent in this market. 

 

 

 

Possibly true! But your original statement was "You will not sell a 270,000 novel. Will not happen. Even a fantasy that won't fly." And I wanted to show that it was untrue.

 

I was speaking currently, but fair enough, those are examples.

 

 

They're all over YA fantasy, and not unknown in fantasy and scifi in general. Again, not the author's genre. But you made a blanket statement which, again, I found to be... misleading.

 

Fair enough, but genre.

 

I don't think I tried to suggest that at all. In fact, I believe if you read the rest of my comment, I went to pains to stress that this is not an approach I would encourage... but that doesn't mean it's doomed from the outset. Just a lot more difficult to pull off. 

 

I understand you're trying to be helpful. And I don't disagree with your general argument. But either you're fudging the facts in order to give weight to your argument, or you simply don't have all the facts at your disposal. Either way, I seek to correct misinformation when I see it. 

 

Again, totally fair, and likewise. I don't know fantasy particularly well, and so no, didn't know there were a lot of clifhangers sold there, so should have kept specifically to what I do know. I am fairly sure a debut NA contemp cliffhanger at that length will not sell, heh.

 

All we have to offer here is our opinions -- even different agents have differing opinions on how to write a good query letter, or what an appropriate wordcount per genre might be. (I can pull up three contradicting blog posts by three respected sources right now.) Which is hopefully very helpful, in that a variety of perspectives might assist a would-be author in figuring out which approach suits them best. 

 

But I do think it's dangerous to speak in absolutes, i.e. "this will NEVER happen" or "you MUST do this," etc. (Especially if those things have happened, or other people have NOT done those things and succeeded, etc.) Guidelines are helpful, but they are in no way a guarantee. 

 

You're probably right on the last; I have, as above, seen a lot of writers convinced their several-hundred-thousand-word debuts will break the mold, need every word, etc. I am trying to save the OP from burning through agents with something that likely (I obviously have no idea about the OP's writing) needs editing. 



#44 Sreid

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 04:33 PM

About a word count that's too long, you have three options, as I see it.

 

1. make a name for yourself as a writer in this genre, writing both award-winning short stories as well as award-winning, published novels, so an agent (and publisher) knows you are an attractive commodity worth their time and energy, or

 

2. be that one author in over a million, who writes an absolutely stunning, captivating, query, synopsis and brilliant first chapter (followed by a heart-wrenchingly perfect story) that makes both agent and publisher send your book to the printing presses without a second thought, or

 

3. edit, rewrite, cut, slash, hack, and dismember your story until it fits within the recommended word length for a novel in your genre and target age group.

 

For most of us, it's option 3 that we're stuck with. If that's the case with you, then writing a query now can help crystallize what is truly important in your story, but it's not something you should send to any agents before you've butchered your story, sewn the remains back together like some Frankenstein's monster, and edited it back into shape until it is once again a beautiful, but much shorter, story that is publishable.

 

Of course, if all else fails and you want to call yourself a published author, there's always option number 4, which is self-publishing.



#45 Iconian

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 02:33 AM

I've been pounding away, working at the query.  I feel it's come a long way, but there are definitely some things I'd still like to get some different viewpoints on.  One thing that I do want to point out though: I want to leave a fair amount of mystery about the story and characters.  I don't think it would serve me well to give out too many details, as I want potential agents to have curiosity about what's going to on in the book.

 

Here is the latest version:

 

 

 

Dear ____

Jynnete and Katy, 20, have been best friends for over a decade—but after a racially-motivated shooting occurs at their California college, their worlds begin to drift apart. The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is sensitive, a free spirit with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry. Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her protector. And now, with Jynnete having just seethingly dumped her latest boyfriend, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever.

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with the community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” Jynnete watches as everything changes quickly. While a seemingly great guy falls into her lap, Katy's newest boyfriend is practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes. For one of the first times in her life Jynnete feels powerless, watching as he leads Katy in almost every perilous and codependent direction that she had tried to help her avoid.

 

As Katy begins to contemplate marriage, Jynnete struggles with increasing zeal to break her free, and soon tensions flare and accusations of prejudice fly. All around them schisms open up among the locals, with business boycotts, a mayoral recall election, and even riots just on the horizon. As Jynnete battles to retain stability and normalcy through the chaos, she feels herself being driven away from her friends, her new boyfriend, her beliefs, and more, even as untold stories send them all careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

(Perhaps most of all, I'm trying to determine how best to shape this part of the query, so opinions and suggestions are especially welcome here):

 

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words. This duology is a fast-paced New Adult romance hybrid with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun. While the word count may seem daunting for a typical romance novel, Shallow is a different kind of book. No one is going to tell a 6'4”, 200-pound man that he needs to lose 100 pounds—even losing 50 pounds would probably be unhealthy for him. And so it is with Shallow: while I may well be able to shave off a few thousand words from part 1, possibly ten thousand even, it is a different nature of beast, and I am seeking a unique agent for this unique novel.

 

In the past I've worked as a copywriter, and have now returned to my love of writing once more.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#46 jaustail

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 02:47 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear ____

Jynnete and Katy, 20(maybe: twenty. words are easier to read.), have been best friends for over a decade(how about: Jynnete and Katy are childhood best friends. Don't mention age. I kinda figured out they're in 20's)—but after a racially-motivated shooting occurs at their California college, their worlds begin to drift apart. The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is sensitive, a free spirit with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry. Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her protector. And now(don't put backstory), with Jynnete having just seethingly dumped her latest boyfriend, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever.

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with the community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” Jynnete watches as everything changes quickly. While a seemingly great guy falls into her lap, Katy's newest boyfriend is practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes(why is he the worst choice? drug addict, crime record, a child, an old man?). For one of the first times in her life Jynnete feels powerless, watching as he leads Katy in almost every perilous and codependent direction that she had tried to help her avoid.

 

As Katy begins to contemplate marriage, Jynnete struggles with increasing zeal to break her free, and soon tensions flare and accusations of prejudice fly. All around them schisms open up among the locals, with business boycotts, a mayoral recall election, and even riots just on the horizon. As Jynnete battles to retain stability and normalcy through the chaos, she feels herself being driven away from her friends, her new boyfriend, her beliefs, and more, even as untold stories send them all careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

(Perhaps most of all, I'm trying to determine how best to shape this part of the query, so opinions and suggestions are especially welcome here):

 

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words. This duology is a fast-paced New Adult romance hybrid with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun. While the word count may seem daunting for a typical romance novel, Shallow is a different kind of book. No one is going to tell a 6'4”, 200-pound man that he needs to lose 100 pounds—even losing 50 pounds would probably be unhealthy for him. And so it is with Shallow: while I may well be able to shave off a few thousand words from part 1, possibly ten thousand even, it is a different nature of beast, and I am seeking a unique agent for this unique novel.

 

In the past I've worked as a copywriter, and have now returned to my love of writing once more.

 

I'm sorry but this didn't work for me. I felt like I was reading a review or newspaper article. There was too much information and it all felt cramped. Personally I prefer queries from 3rd person pov. Either Katy or Jynnete.

JMO


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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#47 dogsbody

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 02:51 AM

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words. This duology is a fast-paced New Adult romance hybrid with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun. While the word count may seem daunting for a typical romance novel, Shallow is a different kind of book. No one is going to tell a 6'4”, 200-pound man that he needs to lose 100 pounds—even losing 50 pounds would probably be unhealthy for him. And so it is with Shallow: while I may well be able to shave off a few thousand words from part 1, possibly ten thousand even, it is a different nature of beast, and I am seeking a unique agent for this unique novel.

 

Some technical stuff: a duology is two books, and as you should shop only one book at a time, this means you are shopping "the first book of an intended duology." Also, there is no hybrid in "New Adult romance." Romance is the genre, New Adult is the intended market; it works as all one piece, like YA fantasy. 

 

Now for the bolded part.

 

It's your query, and ultimately it represents you and so should reflect what you're comfortable with. But putting this kind of thing in your query letter screams defensiveness and says that you are not going to be pleasant to work with, that you are almost completely closed-down to revisions from the get-go. 

 

And I don't think a lot of people will want to work with you because of it.

 

Listen: you're a new author. That means you are still learning your craft, which means an agent or editor will be able to help you make your book better. They won't say "lose 20,000 words" and hand you a butcher knife -- they will walk through your novel and help you combine scenes, clean up language, and cut unecessary subplots. If they think it's necessary. They might not! 

 

But you can't go into the process -- like you do here -- with your dukes already up. If you end up in an editing process you dislike you can always walk away, but expecting to dislike it is a self-defeating prophecy. 



#48 Iconian

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 05:17 AM

Some technical stuff: a duology is two books, and as you should shop only one book at a time, this means you are shopping "the first book of an intended duology." Also, there is no hybrid in "New Adult romance." Romance is the genre, New Adult is the intended market; it works as all one piece, like YA fantasy. 

 

Now for the bolded part.

 

It's your query, and ultimately it represents you and so should reflect what you're comfortable with. But putting this kind of thing in your query letter screams defensiveness and says that you are not going to be pleasant to work with, that you are almost completely closed-down to revisions from the get-go. 

 

And I don't think a lot of people will want to work with you because of it.

 

Listen: you're a new author. That means you are still learning your craft, which means an agent or editor will be able to help you make your book better. They won't say "lose 20,000 words" and hand you a butcher knife -- they will walk through your novel and help you combine scenes, clean up language, and cut unecessary subplots. If they think it's necessary. They might not! 

 

But you can't go into the process -- like you do here -- with your dukes already up. If you end up in an editing process you dislike you can always walk away, but expecting to dislike it is a self-defeating prophecy. 

 

OK, thanks for the tip about the duology.  Knowing how to word these things . . . this the sort of "secret handshake" I talked about on the other thread, these kinds of standard conventions of the literary world.  That bit of ignorance alone probably wouldn't be enough to sink the query, but still.

 

I think what I'll do tomorrow is go through that list you gave me of successful queries.  The more I'm exposed to what works, hopefully the better my own writing will be.

 

As to the height and weight stuff, I pretty much knew it wouldn't fly.  I'll leave it in for now, to see if there are any suggestions for a good alternative, something I could say to make the word count a little more tolerable.  But ultimately I know I'm just going to have to cut it out.

 

Any comments as to the rest of the query, by the way?


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#49 dogsbody

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 04:28 PM

This isn't secret handshake stuff. All you need to do is google "duology" to understand what it is and how to use it. Using it wrong probably wouldn't sink your query, you're right, but it does show you don't know what you're talking about, which is... never a great sign. If you want to enter a new profession, you learn the terminology (again, you're a writer: how you use words will be noticed) and trade of that profession, right? Becoming a professional writer is no different. It's not all art, there's a business side to it as well. And if you're serious about being published you have to learn all that, eventually.

 

Like I said, though, we're lucky enough to live in times when this information is a mouse-click away. Writer's Digest is a great place to start learning about the profession you're trying to enter.

 

I don't advise trying to make the wordcount "more bearable." It is what it is. Did you ever see someone load up a perceived blemish on their face with concealer to the point where it was more noticeable? Yeah.

 

As for the query: I think it's too vague. I'm not sure what the actual plot looks like, or what the hoped-for outcome might be. In the mock query for Titanic there was a straightforward follow-through: Rose is rich and unhappy, Rose tries to suicide, Jack saves Rose, Rose and Jack fall in love and try to escape her fiance. It's a hugely simplified version of the main story, but you can get an idea of what the main story covers. Enough to go "hey, that sounds interesting, I'd like to take the time to see that story unfold in detail." (Hopefully.) Also, notice how each piece of that plot, after Rose's initial description, is made up of clauses that read [main character] + [does direct action]. 

 

Here I only know: there are two friends, Jynnete and Katy, Katy wants to get married, Jynnete thinks he's a bad guy and it's a bad idea. That's feels like the starting point to a story, not the story itself. What happens that's exciting and attention-grabbing? What's actual plot events, instead of descriptions of how the characters feel about things? I'd recommend a mix of the two. 



#50 Iconian

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 06:57 PM

dogsbody: It all definitely seems like a balancing act, I can say that for sure.  I really don't want to give too much away.  As it stands right now, do you think that the vagueness would significantly impact agent interest?

 

All through pretty much the middle of the book--mostly in part 2--Jynnete and Katy's boyfriend mentally joust about everything.  During this time I largely leave the readers in suspense as to what's going to happen so far as the main plot--this part of the story would really drag, except I have lots of subplots with a lot of action, as well as the gradual resolution of stories for some of the other characters, interspersed with the scenes of dialogue.  Then there are a few more surprises, and after that the final bits resolve themselves fairly swiftly.

 

But I'm not sure how much of that it would be wise to actually state in the query.  I could say that lots of subplots arise and lots of subplots conclude while Jynnete battles it out.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#51 dogsbody

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 07:22 PM

Yes, I think the vagueness works against you. Because as it stands, I have no idea what your book is about. 

 

I know the premise: two girls are best friends, one girl is planning to marry a guy the other girl thinks she shouldn't. But that's Act 1, scene 1. That's not a story, it's a starting point. That's equivalent to saying the story of Titanic is a girl with a fiance she hates is boarding a doomed shipIt's interesting, but the overwhelming question is: and then what



#52 Candace

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 10:29 PM

 

Dear ____

Jynnete and Katy, 20, have been best friends for over a decade—but after a racially-motivated shooting occurs at their California college, their worlds begin to drift apart. The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is sensitive, a free spirit with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry.(This is quite the mouthful. Can it be broken up?) Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her protector. And now, with Jynnete having just seethingly dumped her latest boyfriend, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever.

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with the community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” (I don't see how this part is relevant to the query.) Jynnete watches as everything changes quickly. While a seemingly great guy falls into her lap, Katy's newest boyfriend is practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes. For one of the first times in her life Jynnete feels powerless, watching as he leads Katy in almost every perilous and codependent direction that she had tried to help her avoid.

 

As Katy begins to contemplate marriage, Jynnete struggles with increasing zeal to break her free, and soon tensions flare and accusations of prejudice fly. All around them schisms open up among the locals, with business boycotts, a mayoral recall election, and even riots just on the horizon. As Jynnete battles to retain stability and normalcy through the chaos, she feels herself being driven away from her friends, her new boyfriend, her beliefs, and more, even as untold stories send them all as they all careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

(Perhaps most of all, I'm trying to determine how best to shape this part of the query, so opinions and suggestions are especially welcome here):

 

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words. This duology is a fast-paced New Adult romance hybrid with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun. While the word count may seem daunting for a typical romance novel, Shallow is a different kind of book. No one is going to tell a 6'4”, 200-pound man that he needs to lose 100 pounds—even losing 50 pounds would probably be unhealthy for him. And so it is with Shallow: while I may well be able to shave off a few thousand words from part 1, possibly ten thousand even, it is a different nature of beast, and I am seeking a unique agent for this unique novel.

 

In the past I've worked as a copywriter, and have now returned to my love of writing once more.

 

Just a few suggestions to tighten it up.



#53 Iconian

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Posted Yesterday, 04:03 AM

It's strange how when you're so close to something, it can sometimes be difficult to see it, when you've grown so used to it.  I thought the last version of the query was very good, but with this newest one I feel I've found even more ways to improve.  I hope this helps to reduce the previous vagueness, and tips the whole query off with a nice, sharp point.

 

 

 

 

Dear ____

Jynnete and Katy, 20, have been best friends for over a decade, and have just started their second semester at their California college—but just days after Winter Break, a racially-motivated shooting occurs on campus, setting their worlds to begin drifting apart. The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is sensitive, a free spirit with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry. Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her mentor and protector. And with Jynnete having seethingly dumped her own boyfriend shortly before, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever.

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with the community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” everything starts changing swiftly. Out of the blue a seemingly great guy falls into Jynnete's lap, while at the same time Katy's newest boyfriend is practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes. She and her friends soon hold an intervention to convince Katy to break up with him, but Katy chooses him despite their implorations, clinging to him still more tightly. As he leads Katy forward, Jynnete begins to feel powerless for one of the first times in her life, forced to watch her friend move in almost every perilous and codependent direction that Jynnete had tried to help her avoid.

 

While Katy begins to contemplate marriage Jynnete steels herself, struggling still more zealously to break her friend free, while tensions grow and she parries accusations of prejudice. But the mental jousts Jynnete initiates with her friend's new beau do little, except to begin distancing her from her friends, her own new boyfriend, and even her beliefs.

 

With their second semester of college drawing to a close, schisms, boycotts, a mayoral recall and riots threaten the whole city. Katy's future already seems decided, set on a path of bleakness, futility, and denial. Jynnete watches it all helplessly, and wonders how so many of her relationships have strained to the breaking point, and with so little to show for it. And at any moment everything might totally change or collapse, with untold stories sending everyone careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words, the first of an intended duology. It is a fast-paced New Adult romance with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, touching on current issues and propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun.

In the past I've worked as a copywriter, and have now returned to my love of writing once more.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#54 jaustail

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Posted Yesterday, 05:32 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear ____

Jynnete and Katy, 20, have been best friends for over a decade, and(how about using less words with: Childhood friends Jynnete and Katy have just started...) have just started their second semester at their California college—but just days after Winter Break, a racially-motivated shooting occurs on campus, setting their worlds to begin drifting apart(and their worlds drift apart.). The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is sensitive, a free spirit with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry. Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak(maybe heartbreaks. plural) and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her mentor and protector. And with Jynnete having seethingly dumped her own boyfriend shortly before, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever.

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with the (maybe add: college) community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” everything starts changing swiftly. Out of the blue a seemingly great guy falls into Jynnete's lap, while at the same time Katy's newest boyfriend is practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes. She and her friends soon hold an intervention to convince Katy to break up with him, but Katy chooses him despite their implorations, clinging to him still(remove 'still' . sentence doesn't read well with this word.) more tightly. As he leads Katy forward(where does he lead Katy?), Jynnete begins to feel powerless for one of the first times in her life, forced to watch her friend move in almost every perilous and codependent direction that Jynnete had tried to help her avoid.

 

While Katy begins to contemplate marriage Jynnete steels herself, struggling still more zealously to break her friend free, while tensions grow and she parries accusations of prejudice. But the mental jousts Jynnete initiates with her friend's new beau do little, except to begin distancing her from her friends, her own new boyfriend, and even her beliefs.

 

With their second semester of college drawing to a close, schisms, boycotts, a mayoral recall and riots threaten the whole city. Katy's future already seems decided, set on a path of bleakness, futility, and denial. Jynnete watches it all helplessly, and wonders how so many of her relationships have strained to the breaking point, and with so little to show for it. And at any moment everything might totally change or collapse, with untold stories sending everyone careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words, the first of an intended duology. It is a fast-paced New Adult romance with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, touching on current issues and propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun.

In the past I've worked as a copywriter, and have now returned to my love of writing once more.

 

 

I don't know what to say. It sounds like a huge project. I've read Edge of Eternity that was also a huge book. But that had many characters. The writing would have to be very strong. Maybe that would help since agents mostly ask for 1st three chapters or 10 pages. Instead of mentioning the chapters are colorful and mysterious, make sure they are equally colorful and mysterious in the sample chapters.


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

Link


#55 albarchs

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Posted Yesterday, 10:50 AM

Fantasy and science fiction you can get away with 100k-150k. There's plenty of novels in the past 5 years that are mini doorsteppers. 400 pages is the average length for debut fantasy now a days. 120k more or less. Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson was a nice 110k prepublished. His editor made revisions and he added 30k to make it a 140k novel. Your genre might not let you get away with that.

 

Still, I've read successful queries of books that were between 120-150k for debuts. There's also a difference between a series and a stand alone. Goblin Emperor clocked in at 448 pages. If you've shredded entire chapters, whittled down repetitive words, cut weak sentences, I think that's the best you can do. I was at 160k after adding a 10k 5 chapter subplot/few characters I needed to make my story flow better. I then cut it down to a 132k while I'm still going for 127-130k. You have to trust your gut while still weighing it against market trends.



#56 secondstar87

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Posted Yesterday, 08:56 PM

I definitely think you're improving. The thing is, I still don't see the connection between the events (shooting, etc) and what's happening in their personal lives. Right now, it feels like you're throwing that in to make it relatable to current events; for instance, how exactly does a shooting drive them apart? Wouldn't that tragedy make friends stick closer? I think you need to pick the major theme: either the social events, or their love lives. I'm not sure it works to have both going on in the query. 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

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#57 Iconian

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Posted Yesterday, 10:51 PM

Dear ____

Best friends Jynnete and Katy, 20, have just started their second semester at their California college—but after a racially-motivated shooting occurs on campus, their worlds begin drifting apart. The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is compassionate, a free spirit with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry. Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her mentor and protector. And with Jynnete having seethingly dumped her own boyfriend shortly before, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever.

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with the community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” everything starts changing swiftly. Out of the blue a seemingly great guy falls into Jynnete's lap; but at the same time, End Prejudice and Katy's native sensitivity draws her into the arms of a new boyfriend, a pariah that's practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes. She and her friends soon hold an intervention to convince Katy to break up with him, but Katy clings to him still more tightly. As he leads Katy forward, Jynnete begins to feel powerless for one of the first times in her life, forced to watch her friend move in almost every perilous and codependent direction that Jynnete had tried to help her avoid.

 

While Katy begins to contemplate marriage Jynnete steels herself, struggling still more zealously to break her friend free, while tensions grow and she parries accusations of prejudice. But the mental jousts Jynnete initiates with her friend's baffling new beau do little, except to begin distancing her from her friends, her own new boyfriend, and even her beliefs.

 

With their second semester of college drawing to a close, schisms, boycotts, a mayoral recall and riots threaten the whole city. Katy's future already seems decided, set on a path of bleakness, futility, and denial. Jynnete watches it all helplessly, and wonders how so many of her relationships have strained to the breaking point, and with so little to show for it. And at any moment everything might totally change or collapse, with untold stories sending everyone careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words, the first of an intended duology. It is a fast-paced New Adult romance with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, touching on current issues and propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun.

In the past I've worked as a copywriter, and have now returned to my love of writing once more.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#58 albarchs

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Posted Today, 09:28 AM

Dear ____

Best friends Jynnete and Katy, 20, have just started their second semester at their California college—but after a racially-motivated shooting occurs on campus, their worlds begin drifting apart. [This sentence is long. I'd remove the em-dash and just make it a new sentence.]The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is compassionate, a free spirit with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry.[ This is good. You contrast the characters well. Although, I'm not sure if you're trying to make the reader connect with them or just show their personalities.] Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her mentor and protector. And with Jynnete having seethingly [I'd use viciously or some stronger anger adverb. Seethingly seems kind of weird for an adverb.] dumped her own boyfriend shortly before, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever. [throw in the towel is kind of cliched. I'd use  "more frustrated than ever-she's ready to swear off dating forever. It's tighter but gives the same information as the previous sentence.]

 

But in the wake of the shooting, [This is sudden. I would say "in the wake of a a tragic/deadly/ shooting] with the community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” [This is kind of generic. It's a massive college protest. Stop the Hate, Love, not Hate, you'll see plenty of catchy names for anti-racism/prejudice campaigns.] everything starts changing swiftly. Out of the blue (While demonstrating on campus), [Are the girls participating in the protests? That's the general impression I get.] a seemingly great guy falls into Jynnete's lap.  But At the same time, End Prejudice and Katy's native sensitivity draws her into the arms of a new boyfriend. He's a pariah that's practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes. She and her friends soon hold an intervention to convince Katy to break up with him, but Katy clings to him still more tightly. [Maybe more detail about what he does. I imagine abuse or emotional manipulation.] As he leads Katy forwardFor the first time in her life, Jynnete begins to feel powerless. as she's for one of the first times in her life, forced to watch her friend move in almost every perilous and codependent direction that Jynnete had tried to help her avoid. [This is a mouthful. Short, punchy sentences are ok. Still, that's a writing choice.  Here's an example, "Powereless. Unable to help Katy, Jynnete is forced to watch Katy make toxic choice after toxic choice, the very choices Jynette desperately tries to avoid.

 

While Katy begins to contemplate marriage Jynnete steels herself. She struggles still more zealously to break her friend free [to free Katy from her boyfriend's grip],  all the while tensions grow and Jynette parries accusations of prejudice. But the mental jousts Jynnete initiates with her friend's baffling new beau do little, except to begin distancing her from her friends, her own new boyfriend, and even her beliefs. [Nice, this sets up the conflict/stakes of her decisions affecting her life.]

 

As their second semester of college draws to a close, schisms, boycotts, a mayoral recall, and riots threaten the whole city. Katy's future already seems decided, set on a path of bleakness, futility, and denial. [Don't need three nouns. I'd choose two.] Jynnete watches it all helplessly, and wonders how so many of her relationships have strained to the breaking point, and with so little to show for it. And at any moment everything might totally change or collapse, with untold stories sending everyone careening down still more uncertain paths. [This last sentence is good as it connects to the title. However, this completely contradicts the previous narration/buildup of Jynette and Katy's struggles. I'd change it to something else.]

 

This is a solid query. I don't think you need nearly as many transitional phrases as you use. Transitions are great for certain narrative styles, which I believe fits your writing style. But, cutting them out can make sentences stronger. Each sentence should logically follow the previous which doesn't necessitate using one.

 

I think others have said it, there's a slight disconnect between the shooting, the protests, and the girls' personal struggles. This is not my cup of tea, but it is engaging and I can see how it would appeal to others.

 

Good luck.



#59 JGettys7

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Posted Today, 11:16 AM



Dear ____

Inseparable [depending on how close they are] best friends Jynnete and Katy, 20, have just started their second semester at their California college—but begin to drift apart after a racially-motivated shooting occurs on campustheir worlds begin drifting apart. The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is a compassionate, a free spirited fashionista with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry. [Good descriptions of the girls.] Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her mentor and protector. And with Jynnete having seethingly [Perhaps "cruelly" or "remorselessly"] dumped her own boyfriend shortly before, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever. [I agree with Albarchs that this seems cliche and "she's ready to swear off dating forever" seems better.]

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with the community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” everything starts changing swiftly. Out of the blue a seemingly great guy falls into Jynnete's lap. but At the same time, End Prejudice and Katy's native sensitivity draws her into the arms of a new boyfriend, [Perhaps name him since he is important. A name or nickname that has a negative meaning could work well] a pariah that's practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes [Why does Jynnete feel this way about him?]. She and her friends soon hold an intervention to convince Katy to break up with him, but Katy clings to him still more tightly [Is there anything he does that make Katy see good in him or want to continue to be with him that the others don't see?]. As he leads Katy forward. As Jynnete helplessly watches her best friend head toward a terrible place from which she can't be deterred, she begins to feel as she never had before: Powerless for one of the first times in her life forced to watch her friend move in almost every perilous and codependent direction that Jynnete had tried to help her avoid.

 

While Katy begins to contemplate marriage, Jynnete steels herself to free Katy from her boyfriend's control as struggling still more zealously to break her friend free, while. tensions grow and she parries accusations of prejudice. But the mental jousts Jynnete initiates with her friend's baffling new beau do little, except to begin distancing her from her friends, her own new boyfriend, and even her beliefs. [I like that Jynnete is doubting herself and losing control because it makes her seem more real as opposed to constantly remaining strong-willed.]

 

As their second semester of college draws to a close, schisms, boycotts, a mayoral recall and riots threaten the whole city. Katy's future already seems decided, set on a path of bleakness, futility, and denial [perhaps "unvielding misery"]. Jynnete watches it all helplessly, and wonders how so many of her relationships have strained to the breaking point, and with so little to show for it. And at any moment everything might totally change or collapse, with untold stories sending everyone careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words, the first of an intended duology. It is a fast-paced New Adult romance with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, touching on current issues and propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun.

In the past I've worked as a copywriter, and have now returned to my love of writing once more.

 

 

This query seems pretty good to me, but could still use some minor tweaks. You have something good working here and I can see lots of potential. I would personally like to know the name of Katy's boyfriend as he is important and it could help with his character. Or if he had a nickname like "Crusher" or something.

 

Best of luck! 



#60 fernet

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Posted Today, 01:11 PM

 

Dear ____

Best friends Jynnete and Katy, 20, have just started their second semester at their California college—but after a racially-motivated shooting occurs on campus, their worlds begin drifting apart. The BFF's have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is sensitive, a free spirit with a flair for fashion, while Jynnete is a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry. This seems like a decent opening, but you could rearrange it a little and cut it down.

 

Best friends Jynnete and Katy have always been something of an odd couple: Katy is a free spirit with a flair for fashion; Jynnete a strong-willed Christian feminist studying chemistry. But after a racially motivated shooting on their college campus, they find their worlds beginning to drift apart.

 

Or something like that? I guess I made the first line pretty backstory-ish. Maybe best to switch it back around. On the other hand, you have to get a in quick line of backstory *somewhere*.

 

Their differences are nowhere more evident than in their dating lives, with Katy's regular heartbreak and tears pushing Jynnete toward the role of her mentor and protector. And with Jynnete having seethingly dumped her own boyfriend shortly before, she's feeling more frustrated than ever—ready to throw in the towel and swear off men forever. This is a lot of background right off the bat; I think omit it and say whatever you need to about their romantic lives in the next paragraph.

 

But in the wake of the shooting, with the community turned upside down and students turning out in droves to attend the college's “End Prejudice Campaign,” everything starts changing swiftly. Out of the blue a seemingly great guy falls into Jynnete's lap; but at the same time, End Prejudice and Katy's native sensitivity draws her into the arms of a new boyfriend, a pariah that's practically the worst choice around—at least in Jynnete's eyes. She and her friends soon hold an intervention to convince Katy to break up with him, but Katy clings to him still more tightly. As he leads Katy forward, Jynnete begins to feel powerless for one of the first times in her life, forced to watch her friend move in almost every perilous and codependent direction that Jynnete had tried to help her avoid.

 

I start to get a little lost here re: the connection between the shooting/the community's reaction to it and Katy's romantic choices. I think maybe if you leave out Jynnete's new boyfriend for now and tell us more about Katy's new guy and why Jynnete thinks he's so bad, it might work better. And I think you need more about the community's response to the shooting and what it means to Katy and Jynnete if you're going to try and use it as part of your hook -- you make brief reference to it but jump off pretty quickly into love interest stuff.

 

While Katy begins to contemplate marriage Jynnete steels herself, struggling still more zealously to break her friend free, while tensions grow and she parries accusations of prejudice. But the mental jousts Jynnete initiates with her friend's baffling new beau do little, except to begin distancing her from her friends, her own new boyfriend, and even her beliefs.

 

I think the query should stop after this section, but you need a better setup for Jynnete at the end of it. What does she have to do? What decision is she making? Whether or not to break up Katy and her boyfriend, or just give up on her friend? Whatever it is, make it clearer, with meaningful stakes, and end there.

 

With their second semester of college drawing to a close, schisms, boycotts, a mayoral recall and riots threaten the whole city. Katy's future already seems decided, set on a path of bleakness, futility, and denial. Jynnete watches it all helplessly, and wonders how so many of her relationships have strained to the breaking point, and with so little to show for it. And at any moment everything might totally change or collapse, with untold stories sending everyone careening down still more uncertain paths.

 

This part is all basically "and then a bunch of other stuff happens" which of course it does, but I don't think you need it in the query. We know there's more book in the book. Just stop after you set up Jynnete's conflicts in the previous paragraph.

 

Part 1 of SHALLOW WORLD: A SUNNY-THORNED SEED FOR THE UNTOLD STORIES is complete at 122,000 words, the first of an intended duology. It is a fast-paced New Adult romance with a cast full of colorful and mysterious characters, touching on current issues and propelling the reader alongside Jynnete and Katy—through adventure, heartbreak, discovery, and simple fun. A little of this sum-up seems ok but maybe cut it down? "...a fast-paced New Adult romance that touches on current issues as it journeys through adventure, heartbreak, and [self-?] discovery." Or something like that??

In the past I've worked as a copywriter, and have now returned to my love of writing once more.

 

 

 

I think I can see the bones of the story here -- at least how it gets going -- but I think the backstory needs to be pared down and some of the connections between events need to be clarified. I don't have any real opinions on how many words is "too many," -- if the story merits that word count, then it'll be fine. But I do think you have to include the word count so the agent knows!







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Chick Lit, New Adult, Romance, Womens Fiction, Offbeat/Quirky

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