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Streams in the Wasteland - YA Fantasy


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#21 dizzywriter

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Posted 22 July 2017 - 05:36 PM



 

 

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ claim [the nuns' belief that he a saint, worthy of seeking the Holy Grail. [Describe what it is] The holy chalice of Christ [if not, what is it?] he must seek the Holy Grail, a task inherited through his father's line. Though the Grail would restore God’s favor and deliver the [which, whose?] kingdom from [brutal, bad,] Saxon invaders. [But instead of performing miracles as expected] Galahad questions the Abbess’ conviction he is a saint worthy of a divine calling. Instead of performing miracles, Galahad dreams of fighting beside his illustrious father as a soldier of the king. In[an escape from his] defiance he evades [what kind of lessons?] lessons and [endless, boring] prayers[, Galahad] and runs off into the woods thunting deer [goes deer hunting] with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa.

 

After a Saxon attack results in his friend’s death [Saxons kill his friend], Galahad surrenders his will to God and prays for a vision of the Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he receives [[passive. try to rephrase the sentence with active verbs].a visit from Gwyn, a prince of the Lordly Ones, [an] ancient beings [demon? something more specific maybe?] who demand[s] worship and human sacrifice.

 

[I think you need to develop your third paragraph from this]. When Gwyn hints he is none other than Galahad's true father, casting doubt on his identity as the Grail-seeker, Galahad sets out to confirm his nature and destiny. [Stakes? What happens if he doesn't?]

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince.

I am liking it. I think a little more detail in the third paragraph will help. Otherwise it is a little short and it needs some more specificity.

Thank you for your great help on mine. I took a lot of your suggestions in the newest version.



#22 EMarie

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Posted 24 July 2017 - 02:43 PM

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ conviction he must seek the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of Artorius, the legendary King Arthur, from Saxon invaders.

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he dreams of fighting beside his warrior father to drive out the Saxons. In an escape from the convent’s endless rules and prayers, Galahad runs off hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa.

 

After the Saxons kill his friend, Galahad surrenders his will to God and prays for the vision to come. When Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, instead appears to Galahad with a startling claim—he is Galahad’s true father—the revelation overturns Galahad’s conceptions about his nature and destiny. With Galahad’s ability to restore peace to the Britons in question, he must revisit the pain of his past and face his fear that he is unfit to the seek the Grail. But as he confronts his weakness and need, he finds hope and mercy in places he never expected.

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince.



#23 Sataris

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Posted 24 July 2017 - 02:54 PM

 

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ claim he must seek the Holy Grail, a task inherited through his father's line. Though the Grail would restore God’s favor and deliver the kingdom from Saxon invaders, Galahad questions the Abbess’ conviction doesn't believe he's is a saint worthy of a divine calling. Instead of performing miracles, Galahad dreams of fighting beside his father as a soldier of the king- not of performing miracles. In defiance he evades lessons and prayers and runs off into the woods hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa.

 

while we definitely need info on his friend - if not more than we already have here - and I think telling us he evades lessons to hunt shows us a lot about the character, telling us that he does this seems to imply that it's a major plot point; for example, I was thinking his friend would die on one of these hunting trips after reading this. maybe it just needs to be phrased a little differently?

 

After a Saxon attack results in his friend’s death, Galahad surrenders his will to God and prays for a vision of the Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead, he receives a visit from Gwyn, a prince of the Lordly Ones, ancient beings who demand worship and human sacrifice. When Gwyn hints he is none other than Galahad's true father - casting doubt on his identity as the Grail-seeker - Galahad sets out to confirm his nature and destiny.

 

The pronouns in that last sentence are confusing to me- I wasn't sure what was referring to whom at a glance, though it's clear on a second or third reading. might just be me though.

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince.

thanks for taking a look at my query!


No current query!


#24 albarchs

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Posted 24 July 2017 - 03:31 PM

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ conviction he must seek the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of Artorius, the legendary King Arthur, from Saxon invaders.  [Works fine. Don't see any real issues.]

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he dreams of fighting beside his warrior father to drive out the Saxons. In an escape from the convent’s endless rules and prayers, Galahad runs off hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa. [Is this the inciting incident? It sounds like it]

 

After the Saxons kill his friend, Galahad surrenders his will to God and prays for the vision to come.[ Slight disconnect here. Did the Saxon kill him during the hunt?] When Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, instead appears to Galahad with a startling claim—he is Galahad’s true father—the revelation overturns Galahad’s conceptions about his nature and destiny. [This is really odd and sending off huge warning bells in my head. This isn't a critique per say but Gwyn and Lordly Ones makes me think of Dark Soul's  Gywn and the Great Lords. I could be wrong but you might want to be careful with names and concepts.] With Galahad’s ability to restore peace to the Britons in question, he must revisit the pain of his past and face his fear that he is unfit to the seek the Grail. But as he confronts his weakness and need, he finds hope and mercy in places he never expected.

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince.

 

I don't know if it needs more revision. Could be wrong but I think it's solid.



#25 dogsbody

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Posted 24 July 2017 - 04:20 PM

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ conviction he must seek the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of Artorius, the legendary King Arthur, from Saxon invaders.

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he dreams of fighting beside his warrior father to drive out the Saxons. In an escape from the convent’s endless rules and prayers, Galahad runs off hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa.

 

 

I would recommend combining and re-shuffling these paragraphs to cut down on repetitive concepts and create a clear, logical follow-through, like this:

 

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ conviction he must seek the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ. As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of Grail to lead him on his quest. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of Artorius, the legendary King Arthur, from Saxon invaders. But instead or being a martyr [?], he Galahad dreams of fighting beside his warrior father to drive out the Saxons. [and then just to be fancy, I'd perhaps suggest "driving them out WITH" something -- something that contrasts with miracles and visions, just to establish Galahad's conflict of how he's being raised with who he wants to become.

 

In an escape from the convent’s endless rules and prayers, Galahad runs off hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa.

 

If you do keep the detail of the friend and his death, we don't need his personality and origin because none of that factors in the rest of the query. (As he dies in the next sentence.)

 

After the Saxons kill his friend, Galahad surrenders his will to God and prays for the vision to come.

 

I would recommend cutting this sentence, and the one prior, and replacing it with something like "But Galahad's feelings change when a friend from a neighboring villa dies at the hands of the Saxons." (Or something much better than that, but same gist.) Yeah, I know I just told you to cut the friends origin, but when we take out the rest the fact it happened so close lends an urgency to the situation, I feel. And when you condense it like this, it gives you room to unpack the rest, which is where I really believe you need it:

 

When Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, instead appears to Galahad with a startling claim—he is Galahad’s true father—the revelation overturns Galahad’s conceptions about his nature and destiny. (How so? Is he still a Grail-seeker or no?) With Galahad’s ability to restore peace to the Britons in question ("the Britons in question" sounds like select Britons; not all Britons? if not, which ones?), he must revisit the pain of his past (what pain?) and face his fear that he is unfit to the seek the Grail (but what actions does he take, specifically, to do so?). But as he confronts his weakness and need (ditto), he finds hope and mercy in places he never expected (ditto: specifics would lend more interest to the story, I feel).

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. This young adult novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince(I love both of these books, but here's the thing: I read both of them when I was in the target audience for YA, and I am definitely no longer that. The market has changed significantly in twenty years, so replacing one with or adding a more current book may help show that you are aware of current trends and marketability.) 

 

It's the latter half of the query where I feel like I get lost among vague statements and unclear conflict and stakes. You do a bang-up job of introducing Galahad and the forces push-pulling him at the convent, and despite the historical setting it's a very sympathetic, relateable character. 

 

But then -- well, I'm not sure what. Galahad wants to find the Grail? (I'm unclear even on this) What's in his way, exactly, what specifically will he have to fight against to get it? And while we have the external stakes in place (protecting Arthur's kingdom vs. the deaths of peolple Galahad cares for), the internal stakes -- or how this book will show Galahad growing and changing as a person -- are unclear. That's not always necessary, but it's usually a very big factor in YA books. Take Medraut in The Winter Prince -- externally his journey is about saving Lleu's life, but internally it's about finding his place in a family which isn't so unbelievably toxic and abusive as the unit of him and his mother (although his father's family is hardly perfect). I can see you're trying to bring Galahad's internal journey to the query, but I really believe you would benefit by talking about concrete specifics: choices he has to make, challenges he has to face, etc. 

 

Hope this was in some way helpful.



#26 Iconian

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Posted 24 July 2017 - 06:02 PM

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ conviction he must seek the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of Artorius, the legendary King Arthur, from Saxon invaders.

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he dreams of fighting beside his warrior father to drive out the Saxons. In an escape from the convent’s endless rules and prayers, Galahad runs off hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa.

 

After the Saxons kill his friend, [I'd say, "But after the Saxons kill his friend," etc.]  Galahad surrenders his will to God and prays for the vision to come. When Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, instead appears to Galahad with a startling claim—he is Galahad’s true father—the revelation overturns Galahad’s conceptions about his nature and destiny. With Galahad’s [his] ability to restore peace to the Britons in question, he must revisit the pain of his past and face his fear that he is unfit to the seek the Grail. But as he confronts his weakness and need, he finds hope and mercy in places he never expected.

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince.

 

I've now read a few people pointing out that some queries ought to begin in a different spot--I made that very change to my own query, and I feel it's far better for it.  I think this might also apply to yours, Emarie.  The opening paragraphs seem a little slow.  If in the opening paragraph Galahad runs away from the convent and you introduce him some as well, I think it would make the query stronger.  But overall I think it's looking quite good.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#27 janeald

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Posted 24 July 2017 - 09:04 PM

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I'll be returning critiques on everyone's queries very soon.

I've been thinking a lot about the feedback--and it has consistently been that I need to do better job explaining my plot and what's at stake for the characters. I also read back through comments on former versions--and I tried to bring back some of the parts of the query that people liked. Believe me, I understand the struggle!
 

 

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ claim he must seek the Holy Grail, a task inherited through his father's line. Though the Grail would restore God’s favor and deliver the kingdom from Saxon invaders, Galahad questions that the Abbess’ conviction he is a saint worthy of a divine calling. Instead of performing miracles, Galahad dreams of fighting beside his father as a soldier of the king. In defiance, he evades lessons and prayers, and runs off into the woods to hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villaThis last sentence gets wordy.

 

After a Saxon attack results in his friend’s death, Galahad surrenders his will to God and prays for a vision of the Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he receives a visit from Gwyn, a prince of the Lordly Ones, ancient beings who demand worship and human sacrifice. This last sentence gives away too much. Consider saving for the synopsis. Suggestion: "The prince makes Galahad doubt his identity, so he sets out to confirm his true nature and destiny. When the prince Gwyn hints he is none other than Galahad's true father, casting doubt on his identity as the Grail-seeker, Galahad sets out to confirm his nature and destiny.

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince.

 

I feel like you have a good, unique plot here. However, this query is somewhat confusing. I feel like you have too many side plots in the query and need to focus on the main one. I hope my suggestions can help. 

 

I hope my few suggestions help, but I would love to get your feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...spec-fic/page-2



#28 TheBest

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Posted 25 July 2017 - 12:24 AM

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ conviction that he must seek the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of Artorius, the legendary King Arthur, from Saxon invaders. 

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he dreams of fighting beside his warrior father to drive out the Saxons. In an escape from the convent’s endless rules and prayers, Galahad runs off hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa. 

 

After the Saxons kill his friend, Galahad surrenders his will to God (Awkward) and prays for the vision to come. When Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, instead appears to Galahad with a startling claim—he is Galahad’s true father—the revelation overturns Galahad’s conceptions about his nature and destiny. (Too long, and awkward) With Galahad’s ability to restore peace to the Britons in question, he must revisit the pain of his past and face his fear that he is unfit to the seek the Grail. But as he confronts his weakness and need, he finds hope and mercy in places he never expected. 

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince. (Too many commas for such a simple sentence  Reword it to 'my 79,000 word novel' or 'the novel is complete at 79,000 words, and will appeal'.)

 

This is a really interesting idea. I like the way you've structured your query too. However, some of the language is awkward. Cut it down, and you'll be in phenomenal shape. Good luck!!!

You can find my query here: http://agentquerycon...-fantasy/page-2



#29 epercak

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Posted 27 July 2017 - 11:40 AM

Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ conviction he must seek the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ. Save the words. We are familiar with the Holy Grail, anyhow.  If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of Artorius, (and? as it's written, it sounds like the kingdom and the king are the same thing.) the legendary King Arthur, from Saxon invaders.

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he dreams of fighting beside his warrior father to drive out the Saxons. In an To escape from the convent’s endless rules and prayers, Galahad runs off to hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa. 

 

After the Saxons kill his friend, (it sounds like this is the inciting event and everything previous is background. I'd try to thin out the setup substantially) Galahad surrenders his will to God and prays for the vision to come. When Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, instead appears to Galahad instead with a startling claim—he is Galahad’s true father—the revelation overturns Galahad’s conceptions about his nature and destiny. With Galahad’s ability to restore peace to the Britons in question, he must revisit the pain of his past and face his fear that he is unfit to the seek the Grail. But as he confronts his weakness and need, he finds hope and mercy in places he never expected. These last few sentences lapse into the abstract (which I've highlighted). You want to stay specific and really set up the stakes and conflict. What exactly must Galahad do? What is preventing him from doing it?

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince.

 

 

 

You're getting better with the revisions, but I feel like you're trying to cram too much in. It's hard to resist putting in all the subplots and details you think are important to the story, but really you want to distill it to one central conflict. I think it could also benefit from a bit more character detail for the protagonist. Some odd quirks or personality traits will make him stand out. 

 

Keep at it!



#30 Theo A. Gerken

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Posted 28 July 2017 - 07:08 AM

Newest version in #19

 

---------------------------------

 

Hi writers,

 

I've attached part of a query letter for a novel, and I'll exchange critiques with anyone who is currently working on one on the forum. Thanks in advance!

 

Left by his mother at Amesbury Convent in the care of the Abbess, young Galahad loses the only parent he has ever known. More than anything else, Galahad longs to meet his father, Bedivere, the famous soldier of King Artorius. But the Abbess has other plans. Because of Galahad’s lineage as the son of Bedivere, she orders him to remain at the convent, preparing his mind and heart to seek the Holy Grail.

 

Despite the Abbess’ assurance of his sainthood, Galahad believes he is unnatural, less than human, and unfit to search for the Grail. He rebels against the Abbess’ efforts to force him to learn Latin and attend prayers and runs off into the woods hunting deer with his high-spirited friend Aeric.

 

An unexpected tragedy deprives Galahad of Aeric’s companionship and forces him to surrender to his calling, but Galahad’s prayers for a vision of the Grail go unanswered. Instead he receives a visitation from the mysterious, otherworldly Brisen who hints that Galahad’s father is not Bedivere, but Gwyn ap Nudd, one of the Lordly Ones who lived in the province before the Britons and, in the Grail’s absence, demand human sacrifices. Brisen’s claims cause Galahad to question the Abbess’ often-rehearsed stories, impelling him to embark on a quest, not in search of the Grail, but to discover the identity of his father and understand the truth about his own nature and destiny.

 

My 79,000 word YA novel, Streams in the Wasteland, tells the story of Galahad, one of the most misunderstood heroes of the Arthurian canon, in his own words. Fans of Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince and Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred should enjoy the book.

 

The first paragraph isn't working at all. Too many names, it's impossible to take in. Feels like a spiders web.

 

I found the whole query messy and confusing actually. Fantasy queries are hard this way, but you don't need to tell us about the whole world for us to understand the plot. Focus on the plot, and fade everything else into the background. That's my tip.

 

That's my honest opinion, sorry if it's harsh.


Return the favour?? Link my query here.


#31 dizzywriter

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Posted 28 July 2017 - 07:30 PM



Abandoned by his mother at Amesbury Convent, young Galahad rebels against the Abbess’ conviction he must seek the Holy Grail, the chalice of Christ. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of Artorius, the legendary King Arthur, from Saxon invaders. 

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of Grail to lead him on his quest. Instead he dreams of fighting beside his warrior father to drive out the Saxons. In an escape from the convent’s endless rules and prayers, Galahad runs off hunting deer with his high-spirited friend from a neighboring villa.  [backstory except how it affects his choices after the Saxon conflict.

 

After the Saxons kill his friend, Galahad surrenders   [I would open it in the middle of this conflict, and weave the back story into it] his will to God [here, you can fit in his abandonment and expectations of him] and prays for the vision to come. [here you can insert why he's torn because of his father's legacy and example] When Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, instead appears to Galahad with a [the] startling claim [that] he is Galahad’s true father—the revelation overturns Galahad’s conceptions about his nature and destiny. With Galahad’s ability to restore peace to the Britons in question, he must revisit the pain of his past and face his fear that he is unfit to the seek the Grail. But as he confronts his weakness and need, he finds hope and mercy in places he never expected.

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel, complete at 79,000 words, will appeal to fans of Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred and Elizabeth Wein’s The Winter Prince.

So, I'd start with the Saxon attack and his best friend's death.

He prays, this lets you bring in a sentence about being abandoned and the saintly expectations of him because of his legendary warrior father.

Bam, Darth Vader shows up and says "wrong" (just kidding ;)

Galahad faces his choice. I think the alternative to finding his father should be worse than just lazing away in a convent with nuns.

Keep at it. But I think starting with action would be good.

YOu're getting there. 

Please take a look at my newest.



#32 EMarie

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Posted 29 July 2017 - 03:44 AM

Thanks so much for all your comments! I really appreciate everyone's opinions. I found your advice really helpful, dogsbody, and I appreciate your time critiquing my query. Also, thank you dizzywriter for your consistent feedback. I'm going to be returning critiques soon.

 

I've rewritten trying to take people's advice of starting with more action and cutting down on names.

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, young Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of the Grail to lead him on his quest. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of the legendary King Arthur from Saxon invaders.

 

When a Saxon attack kills Galahad’s closet friend, he surrenders his dream of fighting beside his warrior father as a soldier and prays to seek the Grail as revenge against the Saxons. But instead of a vision, Galahad receives a visit from Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, who appears to Galahad with a startling claim—he is Galahad’s true father

 

Driven by his fear that he is the son of a demon and unfit to seek the Grail, Galahad visits the warrior who abandoned him years ago, the man he is no longer certain he can call his father. There Galahad uncovers a clue that takes him even further away from home—deep into the heart of Gwyn’s realm and face-to-face with the dark power of the druids . . . and the secrets of his past.

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel is complete at 79,000 words and will appeal to fans of Lisa Ann Sandell’s Song of the Sparrow and Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred.



#33 dizzywriter

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Posted 29 July 2017 - 08:06 PM

 

As the Grail-seeker of prophecy, young Galahad is expected to display saint-like virtue and perform miracles while he waits for a vision of the Grail to lead him on his quest. If recovered, the Grail would deliver the kingdom of the legendary King Arthur from Saxon invaders. [This is still background. Can you open with him escaping to go hunting with his friend and weave the prophecy and saintliness into it?]

 

When a Saxon attack kills Galahad’s closet friend, he surrenders [not sure you can surrender a dream, maybe "abandons"] his dream of fighting beside his warrior father as a soldier and prays [for a sign, or something. Praying to seek doesn't really work.] to seek the Grail as revenge against the Saxons. But instead of a vision, Galahad receives a visit from Gwyn, a prince of the otherworldly, menacing Lordly Ones, who appears to Galahad with [makes the startling] claim [—] [that]he is Galahad’s true father

 

Driven by his fear  [Afraid, Fearful] that he is the son of a demon [it's not entirely clear from the previous that Gwyn or the Lordly Ones are demons.] and unfit to seek the Grail, [So, now he wants to seek the Grail?] Galahad visits the warrior who abandoned him years ago, the man he is no longer certain he can call [too many junk words, try to tighten this up] his father. There [Where? You mentioned a person not a place.] Galahad uncovers a clue that takes him even further away from home—deep into the heart of Gwyn’s realm and face-to-face with the dark power of the druids [this is the first mention of druids]. . . and the secrets of his past [vague and cliche. Be specific].

 

Streams in the Wasteland takes place in a historic Roman British world infused with Arthurian fantasy elements. The novel is complete at 79,000 words and will appeal to fans of Lisa Ann Sandell’s Song of the Sparrow and Nancy Springer’s I am Mordred.

Except for the first paragraph, which is background and needs to be woven into the action, I liked it a lot. The flow is good and I understand where you're going. But after weaving in the background in the first paragraph, tighten it up and be more specific. I think you're getting close. Good luck. I have a new revision up if you can take a look.






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