11 replies to this topic

[AB Thompson]

A twenty-nine-year-old skin-drink guzzling virgin depressed over her career as a pink peeler & embarrassed at her lack of relationship experience, a dueling-scar wolf of a free-pawn mother pained with widowhood, a butterfly of a beautiful boy terrified & ashamed of his sexual awakening- the very thought of a woman’s touch brings tears to his gorgeous eyes.

Their world is imaginary, a sum of chemical-trickery. Lunch-bag babies are grown in labs, mass sterilization has grown an unquestionable norm; memory & emotion may be licked away like melting ice-cream.

 

By Her-Memory, the Totemkin family are a trio of adoration glued by a mutual squid-ink cloud of love, loneliness, & alienation. Together, with the addition of a few friends & allies, they form Halo Cupcake, a polyglot- a cross-functional team of professionals formatted from a diverse spectrum of expertise, ranging from micro-machine nursing, cybersecurity, to neurology. They compete for free-pawn gigs on the trade-sea, a partition of a web-sticky indulgence known as the Image-Sea, a tickling of pink- a full submergence of all five senses into a universe of infinite possibilities. Enter the 14^th Deck, a leader-null & global assembly of infinite rebellion parsed from a boiling pool of contradictory muzhiks united under the notion of upsetting the corruption of consolidation- of power, of money, of prestige. Their personalities range from Grabs a Yeti, a Kulan lady who adores to remind the world that ‘big sister fakes her orgasms as often as little sister’ through clever-jelly pranks that shame & embarrass the prestigious & high, to the bloodthirsty Taaj Originalist Zyzka Gutsk, who’s sickly green banners of dripping intestines are left sunk in the wake of oil fires, rape threats, & babies boiled alive in hatchery soup.

 

Who could protect our beloved Community from the infinite rebellion of endless robbery, disruption, & dirty anarchy?!

 

A demonic daughter of an angelic mother.

 

Molly Radziwill, faith-birth of adored Alphanik Jadwiga Radziwill, is designated the vodoliva of the vanguard polyglot under the Primes- enigmatic Katuma Shroud & Broken Pax veteran Sleepy Devlet, to defend the Community’s stability from the tides of eternal chaos. The Totemkin family will find themselves in their most cheesecake-punching transmigration yet, when their expertise is summoned for to stop the undefinable nebulous huff of 14^th, & aid the Radziwills in accomplishing the impossible goal of extinguishing infinite rebellion.

 

Shrift is a didactic & philosophical sci-fi/speculative fiction, told from a vast & diverse range of perspectives that vary eminently in ethnicity, sexuality, age, spiritual beliefs, & political positions. My novel’s inspirations range from Brave New World to Sex & the City, Marina & the Diamonds, the Wire, Ghost in the Shell, & Catherine the Great. I aim to expose the pink of my readers to boiled lightning- leaving them questioning the fundamental building blocks of the beautiful cry-brain tragic human experience that we take for granted. My word count for the series sums to a glorious 237,491, but my story is partitioned into four movements, seen through the perspectives of four characters. It is split into two novels of 113,681 words & 123,810 words. My goal for the next decade is to complete a seven-novel series, with Prophetic Virgins & Infinite Rebellion, being the first two written. 

[Springfield]

A twenty-nine-year-old skin-drink guzzling What does that mean? virgin depressed over her career as a pink peeler ?? & embarrassed at her lack of relationship experience, a dueling-scar wolf of a free-pawn You're throwing in too many terms that don't mean anything to your reader. mother pained with widowhood, a butterfly of a beautiful boy terrified & ashamed of his sexual awakening- the very thought of a woman’s touch brings tears to his gorgeous eyes.

Their world is imaginary, a sum of chemical-trickery. You should probably look up how to hyphenate; you're not using them correctly all the time. Lunch-bag babies are grown in labs, mass sterilization has grown an unquestionable norm; memory & emotion may be licked away like melting ice-cream. None of this makes any sense to me -- a query should start with a protagonist, their problem and plot.

 

By Her-Memory, the Totemkin family are a trio of adoration glued by a mutual squid-ink cloud of love, loneliness, & alienation. Together, with the addition of a few friends & allies, they form Halo Cupcake, a polyglot- a cross-functional team of professionals formatted from a diverse spectrum of expertise, ranging from micro-machine nursing, cybersecurity, to neurology. They compete for free-pawn gigs on the trade-sea, a partition of a web-sticky indulgence known as the Image-Sea, a tickling of pink- a full submergence of all five senses into a universe of infinite possibilities. Enter the 14^th Deck, a leader-null & global assembly of infinite rebellion parsed from a boiling pool of contradictory muzhiks united under the notion of upsetting the corruption of consolidation- of power, of money, of prestige. Their personalities range from Grabs a Yeti, a Kulan lady who adores to remind the world that ‘big sister fakes her orgasms as often as little sister’ through clever-jelly pranks that shame & embarrass the prestigious & high, to the bloodthirsty Taaj Originalist Zyzka Gutsk, who’s sickly green banners of dripping intestines are left sunk in the wake of oil fires, rape threats, & babies boiled alive in hatchery soup.

 

Who could protect our beloved Community from the infinite rebellion of endless robbery, disruption, & dirty anarchy?!

 

A demonic daughter of an angelic mother.

 

Molly Radziwill, faith-birth of adored Alphanik Jadwiga Radziwill, is designated the vodoliva of the vanguard polyglot under the Primes- enigmatic Katuma Shroud & Broken Pax veteran Sleepy Devlet, to defend the Community’s stability from the tides of eternal chaos. The Totemkin family will find themselves in their most cheesecake-punching transmigration yet, when their expertise is summoned for to stop the undefinable nebulous huff of 14^th, & aid the Radziwills in accomplishing the impossible goal of extinguishing infinite rebellion.

 

Shrift is a didactic & philosophical sci-fi/speculative fiction, told from a vast & diverse range of perspectives that vary eminently in ethnicity, sexuality, age, spiritual beliefs, & political positions. My novel’s inspirations range from Brave New World to Sex & the City, Marina & the Diamonds, the Wire, Ghost in the Shell, & Catherine the Great. I aim to expose the pink of my readers to boiled lightning- leaving them questioning the fundamental building blocks of the beautiful cry-brain tragic human experience that we take for granted. My word count for the series sums to a glorious 237,491, but my story is partitioned into four movements, seen through the perspectives of four characters. It is split into two novels of 113,681 words & 123,810 words. My goal for the next decade is to complete a seven-novel series, with Prophetic Virgins & Infinite Rebellion, being the first two written. 

 

This is way too long for a query, and that word count is way too long for a book. You have to query ONE book at a time, and that book has to stand alone -- it must be complete, with an arc that has a satisfying ending. 

 

A query should present, clearly and simply, a character, the character's problem and the stakes for the character. 

[AB Thompson]

Dear, (Agent)

 

            The pull of penis licks her blue- she’s a virgin nearly thirty, a sister to a wolf of a widow & a butterfly of a beautiful boy. Politicians are praised for their submergence into orgasmic & infinite harems, identity & memory may be scrape away like fungus, babies are raised in labs, while the public drinks in a sea of sterilization. Amid this, Prophet Totemkin most overcome her depression, & with the support of her loving family, struggle to find a sense of humanity in a world devoid of any.

 

I planned for Shrift to be a character-driven series, with the first book, Prophetic Virgins, clocked in at 110,000 words.

 

 ( personal comment relevant to Agent) 

 

Is this better? Also, my first novel is a self-contained arc- its just that I wrote a second novel as well. They're both at around 110,000 words a piece. Should I only mention the first novel?

[Springfield]

Dear, (Agent)

 

            The pull of penis licks her blue- she’s a virgin nearly thirty, a sister to a wolf of a widow & a butterfly of a beautiful boy. Politicians are praised for their submergence into orgasmic & infinite harems, identity & memory may be scrape away like fungus, babies are raised in labs, while the public drinks in a sea of sterilization. Amid this, Prophet Totemkin most overcome her depression, & with the support of her loving family, struggle to find a sense of humanity in a world devoid of any.

 

I planned for Shrift to be a character-driven series, with the first book, Prophetic Virgins, clocked in at 110,000 words.

 

 ( personal comment relevant to Agent) 

 

Is this better? Also, my first novel is a self-contained arc- its just that I wrote a second novel as well. They're both at around 110,000 words a piece. Should I only mention the first novel?

 

Well, it's shorter, but it still doesn't tell me anything. The first sentence makes no sense. A sister to a wolf of a widow and a butterfly of a boy? What does that mean? 

 

A character, a PROBLEM, and stakes. There is absolutely no sense of plot I can grasp from this. Clarity is your friend.

[Iconian]

A twenty-nine-year-old skin-drink guzzling What does that mean? virgin depressed over her career as a pink peeler ?? & embarrassed at her lack of relationship experience, a dueling-scar wolf of a free-pawn You're throwing in too many terms that don't mean anything to your reader. mother pained with widowhood, a butterfly of a beautiful boy terrified & ashamed of his sexual awakening- the very thought of a woman’s touch brings tears to his gorgeous eyes.

Their world is imaginary, a sum of chemical-trickery. You should probably look up how to hyphenate; you're not using them correctly all the time. Lunch-bag babies are grown in labs, mass sterilization has grown an unquestionable norm; memory & emotion may be licked away like melting ice-cream. None of this makes any sense to me -- a query should start with a protagonist, their problem and plot.

 

By Her-Memory, the Totemkin family are a trio of adoration glued by a mutual squid-ink cloud of love, loneliness, & alienation. Together, with the addition of a few friends & allies, they form Halo Cupcake, a polyglot- a cross-functional team of professionals formatted from a diverse spectrum of expertise, ranging from micro-machine nursing, cybersecurity, to neurology. They compete for free-pawn gigs on the trade-sea, a partition of a web-sticky indulgence known as the Image-Sea, a tickling of pink- a full submergence of all five senses into a universe of infinite possibilities. Enter the 14^th Deck, a leader-null & global assembly of infinite rebellion parsed from a boiling pool of contradictory muzhiks united under the notion of upsetting the corruption of consolidation- of power, of money, of prestige. Their personalities range from Grabs a Yeti, a Kulan lady who adores to remind the world that ‘big sister fakes her orgasms as often as little sister’ through clever-jelly pranks that shame & embarrass the prestigious & high, to the bloodthirsty Taaj Originalist Zyzka Gutsk, who’s sickly green banners of dripping intestines are left sunk in the wake of oil fires, rape threats, & babies boiled alive in hatchery soup.

 

Who could protect our beloved Community from the infinite rebellion of endless robbery, disruption, & dirty anarchy?!

 

A demonic daughter of an angelic mother.

 

Molly Radziwill, faith-birth of adored Alphanik Jadwiga Radziwill, is designated the vodoliva of the vanguard polyglot under the Primes- enigmatic Katuma Shroud & Broken Pax veteran Sleepy Devlet, to defend the Community’s stability from the tides of eternal chaos. The Totemkin family will find themselves in their most cheesecake-punching transmigration yet, when their expertise is summoned for to stop the undefinable nebulous huff of 14^th, & aid the Radziwills in accomplishing the impossible goal of extinguishing infinite rebellion.

 

Shrift is a didactic & philosophical sci-fi/speculative fiction, told from a vast & diverse range of perspectives that vary eminently in ethnicity, sexuality, age, spiritual beliefs, & political positions. My novel’s inspirations range from Brave New World to Sex & the City, Marina & the Diamonds, the Wire, Ghost in the Shell, & Catherine the Great. I aim to expose the pink of my readers to boiled lightning- leaving them questioning the fundamental building blocks of the beautiful cry-brain tragic human experience that we take for granted. My word count for the series sums to a glorious 237,491, but my story is partitioned into four movements, seen through the perspectives of four characters. It is split into two novels of 113,681 words & 123,810 words. My goal for the next decade is to complete a seven-novel series, with Prophetic Virgins & Infinite Rebellion, being the first two written.

 

 

Wow.  I have to say this sounds quite intriguing.  I am immediately reminded of Dan Simmon's Hyperion.  Even the title--Shrift--calls to mind the Shrike from Hyperion.

 

I enjoyed Hyperion quite a lot myself, after I got through the first chapter.  That first chapter is actually what reminds me of your letter here.  You even have four different stories from four different perspectives--Hyperion had seven.  But I also found Hyperion kind of slow and difficult to read.

 

But I suspect you're not going to find many people that want to read this.  Maybe some hardcore sci-fi or fantasy fans.  If you can find the right niche to send this to, I suppose your query could work.

 

Unless you already know of two or three publishers that put out this sort of thing, I think you're going to have a very hard time selling it.  My suggestion would be that if you end up being unable to sell it to a hardcore publication, I'd try to make the query--and the book itself--more appealing and relatable to mainstream audience.  Consider trying to ease the readers into it, instead of dropping a pile of bricks on them all at once.  I just don't think it's likely to succeed much otherwise.  Though I'm kind of guessing you're OK with not selling many copies.

[secondstar87]

This query is super confusing. Truthfully I have no idea what is happening! I don't think it's typical to use "&" instead of "and."  A lot of the phrases make no sense -- "cheesecake punching transmigration?" "faith-birth?" "trio of adoration?" "Mutual squid-ink cloud of love?" 

 

I'd strongly suggest reading some successful queries and following the typical outline: hook, characters/setting/, goal and problem. 

[AB Thompson]

A virgin nearly thirty embarrassed of her purity, a mother pained by widowhood, a beautiful boy ashamed of his sexual awakening. They are the Totemkin, a family of three that pulls together in a freelance business known as Halo Cupcake. Prophet Totemkin, frighten by her power to rewrite minds, depressed by the lack of love in her personal life, is challenged by the contracts negotiated by her widowed sister in a nation known as the Community. In the Community, babies are conceived and grown in labs, poverty is fought through mass sterilization, and multiculturalism, a love of diversity in race, religion, and sexuality, is championed while classism continues quietly unopposed. In this context, Grabs a Yeti launches a campaign of theft and public shaming against the cherished leadership of the Community.

 

Prophet and her beloved family will be called upon to stop Grabs a Yeti, while they figure out their own sense of humanity in a world devoid of any.

 

Does this work better? Here's my challenge, Shrift is in an incredibly strange futuristic world in which everything we take for granted is turned upside down. (I think this realistic, our world, though normal to us, would be something straight out the Twilight Zone to people born a thousand years ago, let alone even a mere century) With that in mind, I want to convey quickly this + Prophet faces the external challenge of overcoming the agents of chaos that threaten her Community, and dealing with her internal problems. (I think objectively, regardless of time period, most people will not be very happy to not be in a major relationship by thirty. Ironically, as odd as Prophet's personal situation is, the relationships in Shrift are probably the most relatable portion of my alien world.)  

[Iconian]

A virgin nearly thirty embarrassed of her purity, a mother pained by widowhood, a beautiful boy ashamed of his sexual awakening. They are the Totemkin, a family of three that pulls together in a freelance business known as Halo Cupcake. Prophet Totemkin, [What?  How is Prophet Totemkin related to the Totemkin family, beyond sharing the same name?  This sounded like a completely new and separate individual, until I made the connection with the last name.] frightened by her power to rewrite minds, depressed by the lack of love in her personal life, is challenged by the contracts negotiated by her widowed sister in a nation known as the Community. In the Community, babies are conceived and grown in labs, poverty is fought through mass sterilization, and multiculturalism, a love of diversity in race, religion, and sexuality, is championed while classism continues quietly unopposed. In this context, Grabs a Yeti [And who's Grabs a Yeti?  How is this individual related to these nations or individuals?  You should give us some description about who this is.]  launches a campaign of theft and public shaming against the cherished leadership of the Community.

 

Prophet and her beloved family will be called upon to stop Grabs a Yeti, while they figure out their own sense of humanity in a world devoid of any.

 

Does this work better? Here's my challenge, Shrift is in an incredibly strange futuristic world in which everything we take for granted is turned upside down. (I think this realistic, our world, though normal to us, would be something straight out the Twilight Zone to people born a thousand years ago, let alone even a mere century) With that in mind, I want to convey quickly this + Prophet faces the external challenge of overcoming the agents of chaos that threaten her Community, and dealing with her internal problems. (I think objectively, regardless of time period, most people will not be very happy to not be in a major relationship by thirty. Ironically, as odd as Prophet's personal situation is, the relationships in Shrift are probably the most relatable portion of my alien world.)  

 

 

 

 

 

I'm glad to see you post another query here--I'd been looking forward to what you would do with it, and wasn't sure if we'd see you again.

 

But unfortunately, I think I honestly prefer your very first query to this.  At least the first one was ferociously uncompromising in its willingness to confuse.  This one sounds like you're now making an attempt to give the reader an idea about what's going on, but you're doing it kind of clumsily.  I think you should either make a strong effort to make the story and characters understandable to a wider range of potential agents, in hopes of getting some interested . . . or go back to your original query, in hopes of happening upon just the perfect agent that goes for that kind of thing.

[AB Thompson]

 

A virgin nearly thirty embarrassed of her purity, a mother pained by widowhood, a beautiful boy ashamed of his sexual awakening. They are the Totemkin, a family of three that pulls together in a freelance business known as Halo Cupcake. Prophet Totemkin, [What?  How is Prophet Totemkin related to the Totemkin family, beyond sharing the same name?  This sounded like a completely new and separate individual, until I made the connection with the last name.] frightened by her power to rewrite minds, depressed by the lack of love in her personal life, is challenged by the contracts negotiated by her widowed sister in a nation known as the Community. In the Community, babies are conceived and grown in labs, poverty is fought through mass sterilization, and multiculturalism, a love of diversity in race, religion, and sexuality, is championed while classism continues quietly unopposed. In this context, Grabs a Yeti [And who's Grabs a Yeti?  How is this individual related to these nations or individuals?  You should give us some description about who this is.]  launches a campaign of theft and public shaming against the cherished leadership of the Community.

 

Prophet and her beloved family will be called upon to stop Grabs a Yeti, while they figure out their own sense of humanity in a world devoid of any.

 

Does this work better? Here's my challenge, Shrift is in an incredibly strange futuristic world in which everything we take for granted is turned upside down. (I think this realistic, our world, though normal to us, would be something straight out the Twilight Zone to people born a thousand years ago, let alone even a mere century) With that in mind, I want to convey quickly this + Prophet faces the external challenge of overcoming the agents of chaos that threaten her Community, and dealing with her internal problems. (I think objectively, regardless of time period, most people will not be very happy to not be in a major relationship by thirty. Ironically, as odd as Prophet's personal situation is, the relationships in Shrift are probably the most relatable portion of my alien world.)  

 

 

 

 

 

I'm glad to see you post another query here--I'd been looking forward to what you would do with it, and wasn't sure if we'd see you again.

 

But unfortunately, I think I honestly prefer your very first query to this.  At least the first one was ferociously uncompromising in its willingness to confuse.  This one sounds like you're now making an attempt to give the reader an idea about what's going on, but you're doing it kind of clumsily.  I think you should either make a strong effort to make the story and characters understandable to a wider range of potential agents, in hopes of getting some interested . . . or go back to your original query, in hopes of happening upon just the perfect agent that goes for that kind of thing.

 

 

Thank you for your opinion. I think my original query is too long & a little too confusing. 

 

Then there's the book itself. 

 

Honestly, I wrote Shrift knowing its not this mainstream novel that follows conventional tropes for characters, setting, ect. (a previous comment brought up this will be a more difficult sell to publications- which I agree) I don't want it to have the same broad appeal as Harry Potter or Hunger Games. But, I think for the few people who do get it, they may really fall in love with it, and I'm hoping I could pull together more a cult following from that. I do think there is an audience for this, even if its more niche. SO, I don't want a query so confusing that it may scare off even the perfect agent that you brought up (which I think the original will to be honest, upon looking at a few of the comments), but I do agree with you that I should embrace the oddity of my story even if it does scare off some people.  

[AB Thompson]

Another stab, 

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Prophet Totemkin is a whirlwind slap of modesty and insanity- I’m afraid most women would rather choke to death on their favorite dildo than wait till thirty to lose their virginity, yet Miss Totemkin blinks not an eye at attending an orgy, enjoying a glass of milk and a cookie, while a toothless old man and an ebony stallion wrestle on a pillow. Her sexuality, like most women, is a complex ball of wet wrangling snakes, their venoms equal parts hope, shame, triumphs, and regrets. Her responsibilities? Stripping people of their free will. How? By rewriting their pink, or brains, to an acceptable cognitive state. Why? To support her beloved Community. The Community is a pinwheel dictatorship that numbs its citizens with accessible comforts and infinite pleasure as much as intrusive surveillance and thought police. Her world, the seven great powers of Eos, are a slurp slush of Brave New Word and 1984. Politicians seem more pop star than professional. If Beyoncé were two feet taller, a devoted believer of Northern Orthodoxy, and had a pet woolly mammoth, you would have Empress Penguin- a former opera singer adored by all, while she quietly amasses her fortunate.

 

In an alien world that endorses volunteer genocide and babies grown in labs, Prophet and her siblings, a snarling widow and a beautiful boy, work together in a freelance business called Halo Cupcake. Their professions range from medical to computer manipulation, a diverse polyglot of ability and talent. When Grabs a Yeti, a paper mask wearing lady pissed at the infinite stupidity that drowns the sedated masses, wages a campaign of baby theft and oily shame against the adored leaders of the Community, Halo Cupcake will be put to their greatest challenge yet in snuffing out her infinite rebellion.

 

Prophetic Virgins is the first novel of an epic series known as Shrift. It clocks in at 110,000 words and fits into the speculative genre, relatable to novels like Brave New World or We by Yevgeny Zamyatin. More modern works may be Bitch Planet or East of West. I hope to upset established tropes, as much as bring old familiarity drawn from Russian and Polish cultural history, or tickle on modern issues that affect today’s society, such as automation, multiculturalism, or gender relations.

 

Thank you for your consideration, (Agent)    

[Iconian]

Another stab, 

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Prophet Totemkin is a whirlwind slap of modesty and insanity- I’m afraid most women would rather choke to death on their favorite dildo than wait till thirty to lose their virginity.  [End sentence.]  Yet Miss Totemkin blinks not an eye at attending an orgy, enjoying a glass of milk and a cookie, while a toothless old man and an ebony stallion wrestle on a pillow. Her sexuality, like most women, is a complex ball of wet wrangling snakes, their venoms equal parts hope, shame, triumphs, and regrets. Her responsibilities? Stripping people of their free will. How? By rewriting their pink, or brains, to an acceptable cognitive state. Why? To support her beloved Community.

 

[New paragraph.]

 

The Community is a pinwheel dictatorship that numbs its citizens with accessible comforts and infinite pleasure as much as intrusive surveillance and thought police. <<<<<<[Perhaps this should be the first sentence of your query, the hook that leads into the tales about your characters.]  Her world, the seven great powers of Eos, are a slurp slush of Brave New Word and 1984. Politicians seem more pop star than professional. If Beyoncé were two feet taller, a devoted believer of Northern Orthodoxy, and had a pet woolly mammoth, you would have Empress Penguin- a former opera singer adored by all, while she quietly amasses her fortunate.  [Do you mean "her fortune?"]

 

[This actually sounds quite a bit like the society in Hunger Games.  Also, I think I've read before that it's usually best to put comparisons to other books at the bottom of the query.]

 

In an alien world that endorses volunteer genocide and babies grown in labs, Prophet and her siblings, a snarling widow and a beautiful boy, work together in a freelance business called Halo Cupcake. Their professions range from medical to computer manipulation, a diverse polyglot of ability and talent. When Grabs a Yeti, a paper mask wearing lady pissed at the infinite stupidity that drowns the sedated masses, wages a campaign of baby theft and oily shame against the adored leaders of the Community, Halo Cupcake will be put to their greatest challenge yet in snuffing out her infinite rebellion.

 

Prophetic Virgins is the first novel of an epic series known as Shrift. It clocks in at 110,000 words and fits into the speculative genre, relatable to novels like Brave New World or We by Yevgeny Zamyatin. [Is Prophetic Virgins itself standalone?  If it is, I'd state so.]  More modern works may be Bitch Planet or East of West. I hope to upset established tropes, as much as bring old familiarity drawn from Russian and Polish cultural history, or tickle on modern issues that affect today’s society, such as automation, multiculturalism, or gender relations.

 

Thank you for your consideration, (Agent)    

 

 

In previous versions of your query, I felt like you gave a very good sense of the setting and characters in your books--but no idea about the plot.  Now, you also have the plot in there.  I think perhaps focusing on that even more in future queries would be best.

 

And as far as this query, I think it might benefit from rearranging.  And getting some opinions from others.  Actually, I would suggest that you begin critiquing others' queries, and ask them to critique yours.  So far, it doesn't look like too many people are voluntarily stepping forward to give you critiques . . .

 

Which, by the way, I ought to ask: please leave a critique for my query when you have a chance.  Thanks!

[Sataris]

Another stab, 

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Prophet Totemkin is a whirlwind slap of modesty and insanity- I’m afraid most women would rather choke to death on their favorite dildo than wait till thirty to lose their virginity, yet Miss Totemkin blinks not an eye at attending an orgy, enjoying a glass of milk and a cookie, while a toothless old man and an ebony stallion wrestle on a pillow. Her sexuality, like most women, is a complex ball of wet wrangling snakes, their venoms equal parts hope, shame, triumphs, and regrets. 

 

I'd consider getting rid of this. It seems much more likely to offend an agent/reader than to intrigue them. The idea that women need sex so badly that they'd commit suicide rather than wait until 30 is particularly troubling.