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The Age of Mind Control

Fiction Mystery Science Fiction Thrillers/Suspense

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#1 david_a99

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 12:21 PM

David Addo

Toronto, ONTARIO M9M 3B5

david_a.99@hotmail.com

To whom it may concern,

  
  

A lethal mind-altering technology, the mindseal transforms the mind of Donovan Merlyn's least favorite person the school bully Kim. Donovan witnesses the sight of Kim sprawled on the ground, and for no apparent cause unable to move with a rare look of torture on his face. This tells Donovan that something he can't see must be at work here.   Fifteen-year-old Donovan Merlyn doesn’t expect to save the school bully's life. But when a lethal mind-altering technology attacks him, Donovan reluctantly takes actions to break him free of the mindseal.    

 Matthew Freeman can hardly blame his best friend Don when their efforts to learn more about mindseals is noticed by their enemies who will stop at nothing to keep their secret hidden, even killing.  The man in possession of these mind-altering seals is none other than Don’s own father. From showing loyalty to family, and bringing a criminal with technology with the ability to be extremely destructive to justice, Don is at war with himself. He must combat his inward feelings, highly trained criminals as well as keeping the tech out of his own head when his father decides he must join his cause.

 

 Robert Merlyn plans to render the major politicians of Derrydown City useless to lead the city with his powerful mindseals. This would leave only one politician available for him to use as his own puppet to gain control over the city as Derrydown's mayor. The challenge is for Don to oppose his own father, decide whether Rob’s view of justice is right or wrong. This decision that will either save his city or allow it to be ruined stands unflinchingly in his way. If Robert’s plan works out, the city will be enslaved by a ruthless dictator who has his own warped perception of justice after experiencing many injustices himself.

 

   The Age Of Mind Control" is a 40,000 word, sci-fi book with slight themes of mystery. The setting is set in a busy city of Ontario. Very similar to that of Toronto, Derrydown has a busy atmosphere. I have published a sci-fi short story, entitled “The Art of Deception.” The url is: https://www.fictionm...r-vol-04-no-05/.



#2 Iconian

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Posted 14 July 2017 - 05:26 PM

I think you should maybe reread your query a couple times and then rewrite it, with an eye to greatly improving readability. 

 

David Addo

Toronto, ONTARIO 

david_a.99@hotmail.com

To whom it may concern,

  
 

  
  

A lethal mind-altering technology changes ["changes" seems too weak here--I'd try to find a stronger word] the mind of Donovan Merlyn's least favorite person the school bully, Kim. Donovan witnesses the sight of Kim sprawled on the ground, and for no apparent cause unable to move with a rare look of torture on his face. This tells Don that something he can't see must be at work here.   Fifteen-year-old Donovan Merlyn doesn’t expect to save the school bully's life. But when a lethal mind-altering technology attacks him, Don reluctantly takes actions to break him free of the mindseal.  [I would rewrite this paragraph something like so:

 

A lethal mind-altering technology clasps the mind of 15-year-old Donovan Merlyn's least favorite person--the school bully, Kim.  At the sight of Kim sprawled on the ground with a rare look of torture on his face and with no apparent cause, Don realizes that something he can't see must be at work.  And even though he doesn't expect to save the bully's life, he reluctantly sets about trying to break him free of the mindseal.]

 

 

 Matthew Freeman can hardly blame his best friend Don when their efforts to learn more about mindseals- a headset installed into the brain controlled by a specially adapted remote control-is noticed by their enemies whom [who] will do anything possible to interfere with their process even if it means wiping their minds.  Don feels that this may be his own personal mess, due to the fact that the man who has fifty lethal mind-altering mindseals in his possession is his own father.

 

 

 Robert Merlyn plans to render the major politicians of Derrydown City useless with mindseals, leaving only one politician available for him to use as his own puppet to gain control over the city as Derrydown's mayor. The challenge for Don to oppose his own father and betray him for the greater good of the city stands unflinchingly in the way. If Robert’s plan works out, the city will be enslaved  by a ruthless dictator who has his own warped perception of justice.

 

   The Age Of Mind Control" is a 4 word, [is this really a FOUR word book?  You made a mistake here, right?]  sci-fi book with slight themes of mystery. The setting is set in a busy city of Ontario. Very similar to that of Toronto, Derrydown has a busy atmosphere. I have published a sci-fi short story, entitled “The Art of Deception.” The url is: https://www.fictionm...r-vol-04-no-05/.

 

.  As I said at the start, if I were in your shoes I would reread your query a few times and heavily edit it to improve readability.  The query doesn't flow well--I think you'll need to make structural alterations, moving sentences and groups of words around until they fit better.  Read the whole query out loud, in fact, and if you find that it sounds disjointed and difficult to understand, go back over it again and again, until the flow has improved.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#3 david_a99

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 12:39 PM

Thank you for the feedback



#4 Iconian

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Posted 16 July 2017 - 08:54 PM

You're welcome, I hope it helps you out.


My query, open to critiques:   http://agentquerycon...mantic-dramedy/


#5 jaustail

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 02:01 AM

JMO:

 

 

David Addo

Toronto, ONTARIO 

 

To whom it may concern,

(replace this with Dear Mr./Ms. (Agent's surname)    )
 

  
  

A lethal mind-altering technology changes the mind of Donovan Merlyn's least favorite person the school bully, Kim. Donovan witnesses the sight of Kim sprawled on the ground, and for no apparent cause unable to move with a rare look of torture on his face. This tells Don that something he can't see must be at work here.   Fifteen-year-old Donovan Merlyn doesn’t expect to save the school bully's life. But when a lethal mind-altering technology attacks him, Don reluctantly takes actions to break him free of the mindseal.    

 

 Matthew Freeman can hardly blame his best friend Don when their efforts to learn more about mindseals- a headset installed into the brain controlled by a specially adapted remote control-is noticed by their enemies whom will do anything possible to interfere with their process even if it means wiping their minds.  Don feels that this may be his own personal mess, due to the fact that the man who has fifty lethal mind-altering mindseals in his possession is his own father.

 

 

 Robert Merlyn plans to render the major politicians of Derrydown City useless with mindseals, leaving only one politician available for him to use as his own puppet to gain control over the city as Derrydown's mayor. The challenge for Don to oppose his own father and betray him for the greater good of the city stands unflinchingly in the way. If Robert’s plan works out, the city will be enslaved  by a ruthless dictator who has his own warped perception of justice.

 

   The Age Of Mind Control" is a 4 word(typo alert), sci-fi book with slight themes of mystery. The setting is set in a busy city of Ontario. Very similar to that of Toronto, Derrydown has a busy atmosphere. I have published a sci-fi short story, entitled “The Art of Deception.”

 

Maybe don't mention URL unless agent asks for it.

I suggest reading a few queries, especially the successful ones. That could give an idea on structuring part of query.

 

JMO


JUPITER'S AMBITION

Revised on Post#70

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