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Hook: A PRACTITIONER'S GUIDE TO LOVE AND MAGICK - Will Critique Back! (Updated version in #6)

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#1 TheBest

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 06:51 PM

Here are three pitches for my new adult urban fantasy novel. I used these on #SFFPit and got a few responses. I'd like to use the best one (with some touching up) for pitch wars. Which do you like best, and how can I improve??

 

As always, critique me, and I'll brutally critique you!

 

Thanks!

 

1 - When a mysterious a demon appears on set, wizard and movie consultant, Jesse Demir, is dragged back into the world of the occult.

 

2 - Knee deep in soul-crushing debt to supernatural forces, occult master and movie consultant J. Demir is forced to take on an apprentice.

 
3 - Occult master and movie consultant Jesse Demir must uncover a witch and stop her from summoning his demon creditor, or he forfeits his soul. That is, assuming he still has one.


#2 kailam

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 07:05 AM

2 and 3 contain what seems to be the pivotal info i.e. that Jesse is in debt. Of 2 and 3, I think 2 works better, however I would suggest switching J. Demir to Jesse and adding the 'or he forfeits his soul' to outline the stakes. 

My hook can be found here: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-medieval/

Thanks!



#3 TheBest

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 06:35 PM

Okay, I combined 2 and 3, and here's what I got.

 

I took out the bit about being a movie consultant because it wasn't relevant. But how can I make it clear that it's URBAN fantasy and not regular fantasy?

 

As always, critique me, and I'll brutally critique you!

 

Deep in debt to supernatural forces, occult master Jesse Demir is forced to take on an apprentice. The duo must banish Jesse’s unholy creditors, or forfeit his soul. That is, assuming he still has one.



#4 Sreid

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Posted 20 July 2017 - 07:50 AM

I liked this version better. It presents the circumstances and problem at the start (debt to supernatural forces), as well as what Jesse must do about it (take on an apprentice and together banish the unholy creditors), as well as the stakes (forfeiting his soul) and a twist at the end (if he still has one). All that in just 35 words.

 

You could boil it down to 30 words if you write:

 

Deep in debt to demonic creditors, occult master, Jesse Demir, takes on an apprentice to help banish them before they demand his soul. That is, assuming he still has one.

 

I don't know if my version is any better, though I do like the alliteration of Deep, debt and demonic.

If you have time, take a look at the latest version of my first lines for my story. Hook in chapter 1 of my epic fantasy.



#5 kailam

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Posted 21 July 2017 - 08:01 AM

#SFFpit has hashtags for sub genres like urban fantasy, so if you're pitching on twitter, you could tag as follows:

Deep in debt to supernatural forces, occult master Jesse Demir is forced to take on an apprentice. The duo must banish Jesse’s unholy creditors, or forfeit his soul. That is, assuming he still has one #UF #SFFpit

My hook is in my sig :)



#6 TheBest

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Posted 22 July 2017 - 02:30 PM

Thanks for all the feedback!!!!

I put them together, and this is what I got. As for #SFFPit, it's been over for a while. I'm making this one for pitch wars, and whatever other twitter or pitch competitions I take part in. I think it's very close to being finished, but I'd like to know what you all think. Is 1 or 2 better?

As always, critique me, and I'll critique you!

 

Thanks!!

1) Deep in debt to demonic forces, occult master Jesse Demir takes on an apprentice to help banish his creditors before they demand his soul. That is, assuming he still has one. #UF

 
2) Deep in debt to supernatural forces, occult master Jesse Demir is forced to take on an apprentice. The duo must banish Jesse’s unholy creditors, or forfeit his soul. That is, assuming he still has one #UF


#7 JeffJustWrites

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Posted 24 July 2017 - 01:02 PM

Either hook is awesome. All I'd change is removing "that is," from the final line.


My Perpetually Metamorphosing Query

 

At vahrai u ihlókéon. At u Atavithion. 


#8 kailam

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Posted 25 July 2017 - 03:53 AM

Both read well. I think perhaps #1 for me, as it's slightly more succinct. If you're planning on twitter pitching, there's only 140 characters to get it all across. The other thing was maybe swapping the order of the last sentence to: Assuming he still has one, that is. But that's just personal preference. Good luck!

My hook is in my sig :)



#9 JGettys7

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Posted 25 July 2017 - 11:09 PM

I prefer the first hook and agree with JeffJustWrites that you can probably leave out "that is"







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