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Hook: A PRACTITIONER'S GUIDE TO LOVE AND MAGICK - Will Critique Back!

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#1 TheBest

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 06:51 PM

Here are three pitches for my new adult urban fantasy novel. I used these on #SFFPit and got a few responses. I'd like to use the best one (with some touching up) for pitch wars. Which do you like best, and how can I improve??

 

As always, critique me, and I'll brutally critique you!

 

Thanks!

 

1 - When a mysterious a demon appears on set, wizard and movie consultant, Jesse Demir, is dragged back into the world of the occult.

 

2 - Knee deep in soul-crushing debt to supernatural forces, occult master and movie consultant J. Demir is forced to take on an apprentice.

 
3 - Occult master and movie consultant Jesse Demir must uncover a witch and stop her from summoning his demon creditor, or he forfeits his soul. That is, assuming he still has one.


#2 kailam

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 07:05 AM

2 and 3 contain what seems to be the pivotal info i.e. that Jesse is in debt. Of 2 and 3, I think 2 works better, however I would suggest switching J. Demir to Jesse and adding the 'or he forfeits his soul' to outline the stakes. 

My hook can be found here: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-medieval/

Thanks!



#3 TheBest

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Posted 18 July 2017 - 06:35 PM

Okay, I combined 2 and 3, and here's what I got.

 

I took out the bit about being a movie consultant because it wasn't relevant. But how can I make it clear that it's URBAN fantasy and not regular fantasy?

 

As always, critique me, and I'll brutally critique you!

 

Deep in debt to supernatural forces, occult master Jesse Demir is forced to take on an apprentice. The duo must banish Jesse’s unholy creditors, or forfeit his soul. That is, assuming he still has one.



#4 Sreid

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Posted Today, 07:50 AM

I liked this version better. It presents the circumstances and problem at the start (debt to supernatural forces), as well as what Jesse must do about it (take on an apprentice and together banish the unholy creditors), as well as the stakes (forfeiting his soul) and a twist at the end (if he still has one). All that in just 35 words.

 

You could boil it down to 30 words if you write:

 

Deep in debt to demonic creditors, occult master, Jesse Demir, takes on an apprentice to help banish them before they demand his soul. That is, assuming he still has one.

 

I don't know if my version is any better, though I do like the alliteration of Deep, debt and demonic.

If you have time, take a look at the latest version of my first lines for my story. Hook in chapter 1 of my epic fantasy.







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