Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

YOUNG ADULT BOOK - MAX VISION - THRILLER


  • Please log in to reply
17 replies to this topic

#1 Preston Copeland.Biz

Preston Copeland.Biz

    Preston Copeland

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 287 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I am a self-published author at www.pcopeland2345.com.

Posted 01 August 2017 - 08:16 PM

Hello Guys, I wll return a synopsis critique. Please leave your link.

Thanks

 

NEWEST SYNOPSIS AT- http://agentquerycon...iller/?p=345740

 

SYNOPSIS OF MAX VISION

15-year-old MAX JACOB’s father dies and his mother loses her business, leading their family to move to a broken-down trailer park in Florida. Max adjusts to the town, while dealing with his mother working a low-income job and her new boyfriend who bullies him. Upon visiting an abandoned house in the woods, he takes an object and a voice begins speaking in his mind that revenge is good for the boyfriend.

Max is a timid kid, who would not commit vengeance on a flower. On the first day of tenth grade, Max has an accident in his pants. The mysterious voice influences him that the incident was the teacher’s fault.

As tenth grade continues, Max obsesses over a gorgeous girl named ISABELLA. She befriends him (but only to make GINO, her hoodlum boyfriend, jealous). When he discovers that his girlfriend has been spending time with the laughing stock of the school, Gino is furious. He drags Max out of the gym shower and dumps him naked into a crowded school hallway.

The voice grows louder in Max’s mind, urging him to use the object to take revenge. Still, violence is not an option for Max. He talks with a school counselor, but finds her answers do not solve his problems. While visiting a local hardware store, he runs into CHIP, a cryptic figure, who seems to be assisting him behind the scenes.

After the third day of school, Max discovers his mother’s boyfriend sitting in his bedroom, while his dead rabbit swings from a shoe string. He grabs his dead rabbit and cradles him in tears. Max decides to put on the mysterious object for protection. The object is revealed to be the voice’s dress, who is Dartha, a malevolent spirit. She once suffered abuse from a sadistic husband when she lived in the abandoned house. When Max wears the dress, he becomes his alter ego, MAXI, a vigilante who exacts vengeance on the abusive men in his own life.

Max steals the boyfriend’s truck at nightfall—the school bully, the boyfriend, and the teacher soon all find themselves imprisoned in Dartha’s house. As Maxi analyzes his captured subjects, the detectives open an investigation.

Surprising Maxi at the abandoned house, Max’s one true friend is horrified to meet Maxi, along with the captives. She argues with her friend that Dartha is a demonic entity who must be destroyed. Maxi, momentarily convinced, torches the object of his possession, the evil dress.

After the dress is destroyed, the boyfriend manages to stab Max, and severely injures Chip, who came to the abandoned house to help Max. Only Max’s best friend manages to stab the murderous boyfriend in self-defense and save his friend.

Weeks later in the hospital, his best friend explains that the hoodlum Gino did not snitch on him for kidnapping because it goes against his street code. The teacher did not say a word because he understood it was a possession. Meanwhile, the ex-boyfriend runs his mouth about suing Max’s mother for her son’s role in the kidnapping. Yet criminal charges lead his voice to fall on dead ears. The FBI takes over the investigation.

In the hospital, Max and Chip are recovering from the incident at the abandoned house, and Max notices his mother seems happy. The boyfriend is out of her life and she found a good paying job. Max is happy that he no longer has to live with a bully, and he believes that after everything, the school bully and the teacher will bother him no more. He goes into the hospital bathroom, feeling liberated, as he looks in the mirror. Then he hears her voice. It’s quite the same, just as kind, just as sweet; only it reminds him that Dartha had never existed.

 


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#2 Sreid

Sreid

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 97 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:None, except for querying a sci-fi thriller and a previous version of book 1 in my fantasy series (didn't secure representation).

Posted 02 August 2017 - 10:03 AM

Thanks so much Preston for your insightful comments on my synopsis. I've revised as a result, and if you'd care to read it and comment with either "better" or "worse" that would be fantastic.

 

Now to my critique.

 

I enjoyed the gist of your story. The concept of being possessed by an object belonging to someone who suffered may not be particularly new, but I found your take on it refreshing. I feel sorry for Max, who undergoes a lot of setbacks and hardship in a short amount of time. That comes across loud and clear, as does his progression toward taking on his vengeful alter ego. Nice.

 

There are a few changes I'd suggest. I suggest you not name ISABELLA since she seems to be there primarily to introduce her hoodlum boyfriend, GINO. She is only mentioned once. On the other hand, MAX's best friend remains nameless, though he/she appears several times. I suggest you change that. His/her gender is also ambiguous. That would be cleared up if you named him/her from the start. Also, I think your synopsis flows better without anything about CHIP, who doesn't seem to push the plot threads you've mentioned forward in any way. In my opinion, he's only unnecessary clutter as an added victim.

 

My comments are in red, and my suggested changes are in blue for clarity. There is a lot of red and blue here, but I tend to be picky, since queries really must be top notch if they're to succeed.

Hello Guys, I wll return a synopsis critique. Please leave your link.

Thanks

 

 

SYNOPSIS OF MAX VISION

15-year-old MAX JACOB’s father dies and his mother loses her business, leading their family to move to a broken-down trailer park in Florida. This isn't a particularly strong hook in my opinion, though I did continue reading. I don't know if a busy agent would. A haunted or possessed(?) object in your first sentence might better serve your purposes. You might consider abbreviating this opening as follows:  When 15-year-old MAX JACOB moves into a broken down trailer-park in Florida following his father's death, he discovers an abandoned house in the woods and takes a dress he finds there, little knowing its former owner may still haunt it. As you see, I mention the dress up front, since I'm sure you do in your book, since there in no real "aha" experience on its revelation later on. All the delayed revelation did for me was to take me out of the story, wondering why you weren't revealing "the object's" nature. Max adjusts to the town, while dealing coming to terms with his mother working a low-income job and her new boyfriend who bulliesying him. Upon visiting an abandoned house in the woods, he takes an object and a The beginning of this sentence I've included in your hook to strengthen it, and suggest moving the following to later on for a better flow. voice begins speaking in his mind that revenge is good for the boyfriend.

Max is a timid kid, who would not commit vengeance on a flower., but a woman's voice begins speaking in his mind that revenge is good for the boyfriend. On the first day of tenth grade, Max has an accident in his pants. All right, this mysterious "accident" in his pants bothered me as I kept reading, though you enlighten me as to what it was. It made me think of one of three things. 1. Max ejaculates on being aroused by the teacher's sexual appeal, or 2. he defecates or 3. urinates in his trousers (both 2. and 3. indicate some possible medical problem for your protagonist). I can see option 1. being blamed on the teacher, but since Max shows an interest in girls, and the teacher is revealed to be a "he" later on, this seems a less likely scenario. In any case, some clarification as to the nature of the accident and how it can plausibly be blamed on the teacher would help tie down this loose thread. The mysterious voice influences convinces him that the incident was is the teacher’s fault.

As tenth grade continues, (This makes me think of a far greater passage of time than the three days you state later on.) Max obsesses over a gorgeous girl named ISABELLA. She who befriends him ( I suggest you replace the parenthesis with a comma, since what you say here is vital to the plot and not just "nice to know".(,) but only to make GINO, her hoodlum boyfriend, jealous). When he discovers that his girlfriend has been spending(s) time with the school's laughing stock of the school, Gino is furious. He drags Max out of the gym shower and dumps him naked into a crowded school hallway.

The voice grows louder in Max’s mind, urging him to use the object her dress (By revealing that the object is a dress and belongs to the voice in his head, it adds some tantalizing questions in my opinion, rather than making the reader ask why Preston Copland is keeping its identity secret.) to take revenge. Still, violence is not an option for Max. He talks with a school counselor, but finds her answers do not solve his problems. While visiting a local hardware store, he runs into CHIP, a cryptic figure, who seems to be assisting him behind the scenes.

After the third day of school, So let me get this straight. Within three days of starting at a new school, Max has a mysterious "accident" in his pants making him the school's laughing stock, which he blames on his teacher, after which a gorgeous girl befriends him, only to use him to make her boyfriend jealous, who in turn drags Max, naked, into a busy school corridor. Max discovers his mother’s boyfriend sitting in his bedroom, while his dead rabbit swings from a shoe string. He grabs his dead rabbit and cradles him in tears. Max decides to put on the mysterious object for protection. The object is revealed to be the voice’s dress, who is Dartha, a malevolent spirit. She tells him she (Without these added words, the sentence comes across as POV-ambiguous and "telling".) once suffered abuse from a sadistic husband when she lived in the abandoned house. When Max wears the dress, he becomes his alter ego, MAXI, a vigilante who exacts vengeance on the abusive men in his own life.

Max steals the boyfriend’s truck at nightfall—the school bully, the boyfriend, and the teacher soon all find themselves imprisoned in Dartha’s house. As Maxi analyzes his ​Isn't Maxi a female entity who should be referred to as "her"? captured subjects, the detectives open an investigation. It seems all this happens quite quickly, but police are reputed to be slow on opening missing persons investigations, and I presume that's the case in your story too. Perhaps you might consider changing the "soon" in this paragraph's first sentence to something showing a greater passage of time?

Surprising Maxi at the abandoned house, Max’s one true friend, [NAME], is horrified to meet Maxi, along with the captives. She (Max's friend?) argues with her friend that Dartha is a demonic entity who must be destroyed. Maxi, (Isn't it Max, rather than altar ego Maxi who is convinced?) momentarily convinced, torches the object of his possession, the evil dress.

After the dress is destroyed, the boyfriend manages to stab Max, and severely injures Chip, who came to the abandoned house to help Max. Only Max’s best friend [Name] manages to stab the murderous boyfriend in self-defense and save his ??? In the previous paragraph you call Max's "one true friend" a "she". If Max has just one friend, that friend is also by definition his best friend, but now suddenly the "she", who was his one true friend, becomes a "he" as his best friend.  Did "she" undergo a sex change operation in the intervening time? friend.

Weeks later in the hospital, his best friend [Name] Not naming this person after three mentions is starting to irritate me. explains that the hoodlum Gino did not snitch on him for kidnapping because it goes against his street code. The teacher did not say a word because he understood it was a possession. Meanwhile, the ex-boyfriend runs his mouth about suing Max’s mother for her son’s role in the kidnapping. Yet criminal charges lead his voice to fall on dead ears. The FBI takes over the investigation.

In the hospital, Max and Chip are while recovering from the incident at the abandoned house, and Max notices his mother seems happy. The boyfriend is out of her life and she found a good paying job. Max is happy that You just used "happy" in the previous sentence. relieved he no longer has to live with a bully, and he believes that after everything, the school bully and the teacher will bother him no more. He goes into the hospital bathroom, feeling liberated, as he looks in the mirror. Then he hears her voice. It’s quite the same, just as kind, just as sweet as ever; only it(,) reminds For him to be reminded of Dartha's non-existance, he must first be convinced of that fact, but at this point, he still believes Dartha is "a demonic entity". Therefore I suggest you write something like: informing him that Dartha had never existed. I like the twist at the end. Very nice.

 

I liked your story, and hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. I enjoyed reading your synopsis, and wish you all the best on your publishing adventure.



#3 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 870 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 02 August 2017 - 10:06 AM

Hello Guys, I wll return a synopsis critique. Please leave your link.

Thanks

 

 

SYNOPSIS OF MAX VISION

15-year-old MAX JACOB’s father dies and his mother loses her business, leading their family to move to a broken-down trailer park in Florida. Max adjusts to the town, while dealing with his mother working a low-income job and her new boyfriend who bullies him. Upon visiting an abandoned house in the woods, he takes an object specify and a voice begins speaking in his mind that revenge is good for the boyfriend. Specify

Max is a timid kid, who would not commit vengeance on a flower. On the first day of tenth grade, Max has an accident in his pants. Specifics The mysterious voice influences him that the incident was the teacher’s fault.

As tenth grade continues, Max obsesses over a gorgeous girl named ISABELLA. She befriends him (but only to make GINO, her hoodlum boyfriend, jealous). When he discovers that his girlfriend has been spending time with the laughing stock of the school, Gino is furious. He drags Max out of the gym shower and dumps him naked into a crowded school hallway.

The voice grows louder in Max’s mind, urging him to use the object to take revenge. Still, violence is not an option for Max. He talks with a school counselor, but finds her answers do not solve his problems. While visiting a local hardware store, he runs into CHIP, a cryptic figure, who seems to be assisting him behind the scenes. The names, the situations, this all feels very old -- like it's from the 60s or 70s or something. Is this meant to be a period piece? 

After the third day of school, Max discovers his mother’s boyfriend sitting in his bedroom, while his dead rabbit swings from a shoe string. You have a perpetual antecedent problem. He grabs his dead rabbit and cradles him in tears. Max decides to put on the mysterious object for protection. The object is revealed to be the voice’s dress, who is Dartha, Also a modifier problem. a malevolent spirit. She once suffered abuse from a sadistic husband when she lived in the abandoned house. When Max wears the dress, he becomes his alter ego, MAXI, a vigilante who exacts vengeance on the abusive men in his own life. 

 

Max steals the boyfriend’s truck at nightfall—the school bully, the boyfriend, and the teacher soon all find themselves imprisoned in Dartha’s house. As Maxi analyzes his eh? captured subjects, the detectives open an investigation.

Surprising Maxi at the abandoned house, Max’s one true friend is horrified to meet Maxi, along with the captives. She ANTECEDENT argues with her friend that Dartha is a demonic entity who must be destroyed. Maxi, momentarily convinced, torches the object of his possession, the evil dress.

After the dress is destroyed, the boyfriend manages to stab Max, and severely injures Chip, who came to the abandoned house to help Max. Only Max’s best friend manages to stab the murderous boyfriend in self-defense and save his friend.

Weeks later in the hospital, his best friend explains that the hoodlum Gino did not snitch on him for kidnapping because it goes against his street code. Oy. The teacher did not say a word because he understood it was a possession. WHAT? NO. Meanwhile, the ex-boyfriend runs his mouth about suing Max’s mother for her son’s role in the kidnapping. Yet criminal charges lead his voice to fall on dead ears. The FBI takes over the investigation. I am so confused. What the hell is wrong with the cops? Why is the FBI involved??

In the hospital, Max and Chip are recovering from the incident at the abandoned house, and Max notices his mother seems happy. The boyfriend is out of her life and she found a good paying job. Max is happy that he no longer has to live with a bully, and he believes that after everything, the school bully and the teacher will bother him no more. He goes into the hospital bathroom, feeling liberated, as he looks in the mirror. Then he hears her voice. It’s quite the same, just as kind, just as sweet; only it reminds him that Dartha had never existed.

 

Aside from the basic issues I've mentioned before, with the conceit, which I think are hugely problematic, this has errors all through it and it sounds from the beginning like he's schizophrenic, or what have you, but no one ever seems to suggest anything like this, or do anything about it.



#4 kathleenq

kathleenq

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 77 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 23 August 2017 - 04:29 PM

There's a lot going on here, and to be honest, it's a bit confusing. First of all, there are a lot of names mentioned. It's hard to keep track of so many characters in such a short synopsis. Also, I feel like the most important name - the best friend who saves Max at the end - is missing. Who is this friend? Where did she come from? I thought it may have been Isabella, but if it is, there's no connection. Also, it may be less confusing if the ex-boyfriend has a name as well. Initially, I thought it was referring to Isabella's boyfriend until I reread it and found out Gina was Isabella's boyfriend. (See what I mean about all the characters?) If possible, try to take some of them out, like Chip.

 

There are also plot points that don't connect for me:

1. He takes an object from the abandoned house - is this the dress that he puts on later? If so, specify in the beginning. Why did he take the dress? And if not, where did this dress come from?
2. What makes it seem like Chip is helping him? There's not really a lot of talking about Chip, so who is he?

3. The third day of school the mom's boyfriend kills the rabbit? It really seems like more time has passed than just three days, unless the time line is day 1, he pees his pants. day 2, he gets beaten up by Gino and talks to counselor, day 3, boyfriend kills rabbit

4. When did the mom's boyfriend become the ex? Under what circumstances? (Max kidnapped him, so it would seem like Max did the wrong thing in mom's eyes)

5. Why would the teacher not talk? Is she that superstitious?

6. The FBI? That's an extreme jump. Also, what happened with the investigation? Or is the conclusion just not important?


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#5 Preston Copeland.Biz

Preston Copeland.Biz

    Preston Copeland

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 287 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I am a self-published author at www.pcopeland2345.com.

Posted 26 August 2017 - 01:52 PM

Thank you, KathleenQ, and Sreid and Springfield. I'll return the favors tomorrow morning.

 

I narrowed my synopsis down to one page with your help and the help of a critique group.

 

Hopefully, it is more clear.

 

Synopsis of Max Vision

 

NEWEST VERSION AT http://agentquerycon...iller/?p=346012

 

 

 

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses and tempts Max to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her boyfriend pushes Max around when the slug is not watching daytime TV.

 

 

As tenth grade begins, Max avoids the school bully by sitting on the other side of the cafeteria, or walking in different hallways to class. However, the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out his chick is talking with Max, he throws him naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral.

 

 

 

At nightfall in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he does, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and he feels physically stronger. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, he delivers the body to the abandoned house. He zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and his pet rat bites his victim’s leg. Max reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while he tells him to repent for his sins.

 

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control at nightfall, educating her prisoner through physical violence and psychological torment. In the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the prisoner’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes, sometimes, remain darker when he transforms back to Max. Emily understands something is wrong with her friend, but she does not understand he’s possessed. One day after school, she discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three captives. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues, screaming that he is only Max, her friend. But realizing he’s possessed, she disappears frightened into the woods.

 

 

 

In a final attempt to free her friend from demonic possession, Emily visits the abandoned house and begs Max not murder the victims and fight the demon’s control. With Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily uses his steak knife to cut the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are lit on fire, Max watches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys feeling free, a prisoner escapes and stabs him.

 

 

 

In the hospital, Emily tells Max that two of his prisoners did repent, but the third prisoner who stabbed him, did not repent. A nurse enters and tells Max that Emily is not at the mental hospital today. She says he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the mental hospital for his own safety, until he goes to court for his crimes. Noticing his strait jacket and the barred windows, Max finally realizes that the spirit never existed.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#6 starwriter

starwriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 139 posts
  • Literary Status:published, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:25 published magazine articles
    Book of Poetry
    Ezines
    Anthologies

Posted 26 August 2017 - 02:12 PM

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses and tempts Max to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her boyfriend pushes Max around when the slug is not watching daytime TV. You mention that the spirit never existed at the end So what makes the character realize here there is a spirit? How do you know the boyfriend is mentally unstable? Show us that. Don't tell. What makes Max claim a costume? Secret desire to dress like that? Might be worth exploring.

 

 

As tenth grade begins, Max avoids the school bully by sitting on the other side of the cafeteria, or walking in different hallways to class. However, the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out his chick is talking with Max, he throws him naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral. Ouch this sounds like Carrie and yet is unique

 

 

 

At nightfall in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he does, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and he feels physically stronger. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, he delivers the body to the abandoned house. He zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and his pet rat bites his victim’s leg. Max reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while he tells him to repent for his sin You show the effect of it all here

 

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control at nightfall, educating her prisoner through physical violence and psychological torment. In the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the prisoner’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes, sometimes, remain darker when he transforms back to Max. Emily understands something is wrong with her friend, but she does not understand he’s possessed. One day after school, she discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three captives. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues, screaming that he is only Max, her friend. But realizing he’s possessed, she disappears frightened into the woods. The conflict deepens and develops the story. Where are the captives held? How long have they been held captive? You do have interesting story.

 

 

 

In a final attempt to free her friend from demonic possession, Emily visits the abandoned house and begs Max not murder the victims and fight the demon’s control. With Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily uses his steak knife to cut the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are lit on fire, Maxwatches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys feeling free, a prisoner escapes and stabs him. How does Emily realize he is possessed.

 

Ho

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the hospital, Emily tells Max that two of his prisoners did repent, but the third prisoner who stabbed him, did not repent. A nurse enters and tells Max that Emily is not at the mental hospital today. She says he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the mental hospital for his own safety, until he goes to court for his crimes. Noticing his strait jacket and the barred windows, Max finally realizes that the spirit never existed. Why the need for the prisoners/ captives to repent? Also are they captives or prisoners? Say one or the other. What else makes Max realize the spirit never existed?I am not convinced its not enough. This sounds though like a clearer version.

 

Good job just needs more work



#7 kathleenq

kathleenq

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 77 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 28 August 2017 - 01:19 PM

This is so much better! Much clearer, and makes so much more sense.

 

A few notes:

1. Max starts out avoiding the bully, does he already have a history of being bullied?

2. How does Emily realize that Max is possessed? You go from saying that she doesn't know, then she sees him in drag and that clicks for her? It's a bit of a leap.

3. From your earlier version, I know where all 3 victims come from, but it's not clear in this version. The bully is obvious, but at what point are the other two victims taken, and for what reason? Just a brief sentence or two to describe why they were also taken prisoner would be enough.

4. In the last paragraph, you talk a lot about repenting. What's the significance of this? What does it mean that 2 repented and 1 didn't? What's going to happen with that?


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#8 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 536 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 29 August 2017 - 12:49 PM


 

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses Max and tempts him Max to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her boyfriend pushes Max around when the slug is he's not watching daytime TV. I feel like the slug is makes this sentence clunky, and not sure it's necessary.

 

 

As tenth grade begins, Max avoids the school bully by sitting on the other side of the cafeteria, or walking in different hallways to class. However, the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out, his chick is talking with Max, he throws Max naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral. Yeah, that's why I'm glad I was in high school pre-Internet!

 

 

At nightfall in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he does, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and he feels physically stronger. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully Your synopsis would read more smoothly if you used the bully's name instead of having to write the bully over and over. from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, he delivers the body to the abandoned house. He zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and his pet rat bites his victim’s leg. Max reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while he tells him to repent for his sins.

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control every day at nightfall. She keeps the bully prisoner in the house, educating him her prisoner through physical violence and psychological torment.  In the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the prisoner’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes, sometimes, remain darker when he transforms back to Max. Emily understands something is wrong with her friend, but she does not understand he’s possessed. One day after school, she discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three captives. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues, screaming that he is only Max, her friend. But Emily finally realizes he's possessed and realizing he’s possessed she disappears frightened into the woods.

 

In an final She had other previous attempts? attempt to free her friend from demonic possession, Emily visits the abandoned house and begs Max not to murder his captives the victims and to fight the demon’s control. With Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily uses his steak knife to cut the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are burned lit on fire, Max watches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys the sensation of freedom feeling free, a prisoner escapes and stabs him.

 

In the mental hospital, Emily tells Max that two of his prisoners did repent, but the third prisoner who stabbed him, did not repent. Why do the prisoners need to repent? After all, they were taken prisoner and tortured by a crazy person? A nurse enters and tells Max that Emily is not at the mental hospital today. Wait, is it Max or Emily that's in the hospital? She says he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the mental hospital for his own safety, until he goes to court for his crimes. Noticing his strait jacket and the barred windows, Max finally realizes that the spirit never existed. Oh, good twist!

 

​I think this is really good overall. I just made some comments. I was clear on the story until the last paragraph. At first I thought Max was in a regular hospital, because he was stabbed. But when the nurse comes I think he is in a mental hospital, but the sentence makes it sound like he's visiting Emily in the hospital. Also, maybe you could say what his actual crimes were? Did he murder someone? Maybe just clarify the very last paragraph. When you can, can you please look at my synopsis? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...-and-how-to-qs/



#9 Preston Copeland.Biz

Preston Copeland.Biz

    Preston Copeland

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 287 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I am a self-published author at www.pcopeland2345.com.

Posted 30 August 2017 - 04:00 PM

    

                                               Thank you Smithgirl, Kathleen, and Starwriter for the wonderful help. 

​I've added your suggested changes below. ​I'm going right now to return the favors, and let me know if you want me to look at anything else.

 

Synopsis of Max Vision

 

NEWEST QUERY BELOW AT - http://agentquerycon...iller/?p=346161

 

 

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses Max and tempts him to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her boyfriend pushes Max around when he’s not watching daytime TV.

 

 

As tenth grade begins, Max falls asleep in math class. Agitated with Max, his alcoholic teacher calls him to the board, where he rushes Max to solve a difficult equation. While Max’s stomach irritates him that morning, he has an accident in his pants. As students devise shameful nicknames for him, Max does his best to avoid the school bully who’s bullied him since ninth grade. He sits on the other side of the cafeteria and walks in different hallways to class. However, the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is probably using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since he moved to Florida during ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out, he throws Max naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral.

 

 

At nightfall in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he dresses, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and his voice becomes creepy. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, Maxi delivers the body to the abandoned house. She zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and her pet rat bites the prisoner’s leg. Maxi reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while she tells him to repent for his sins.

 

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control every day at nightfall. She keeps the bully in the abandoned house, educating him through physical violence and psychological torment. After Max’s math teacher takes his classroom humiliations too far, and Max’s mother’s boyfriend kills his pet rabbit, Maxi kidnaps and imprisons them both in the abandoned house. The spirit tells Maxi that they must repent for their sins and then Maxi is to murder the prisoners.

 

 

 

During the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the school bully’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes, sometimes, remain darker when he transforms back to Max. Emily understands something is wrong with her friend, but she does not understand he’s possessed. One day after school, she discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three captives. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues removing her wig and screaming that she is only Max, her friend, who’s been possessed by an evil spirit. As Emily finally realizes Max is possessed, she disappears terrified into the woods.

 

 

In an attempt to free her friend from demonic possession, Emily returns to the abandoned house and begs Max not to murder the prisoners and to fight the demon’s control. With Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily uses his steak knife to cut the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are burned, Max watches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys the sensation of freedom, a prisoner escapes and stabs him.

 

 

A few weeks later in the psychiatric hospital, a nurse walks in the room and finds Max talking to himself. While Max believes he’s speaking with Emily, the nurse reminds him that he’s actually in a psychiatric hospital and that Emily has not visited once since he’s been imprisoned for his kidnapping crimes. As Max reflects on his crimes, the nurse adds that he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the hospital for his own safety and evaluation, until he goes to court. After understanding that Emily is not in the room and seeing his strait jacket and the barred windows, Max finally realizes that the spirit was only a voice inside his mind.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#10 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 536 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 31 August 2017 - 11:02 AM


 

 

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses Max and tempts him to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her boyfriend pushes Max around when he’s not watching daytime TV.

 

 

Tenth grade begins, and Max sleeps in falls asleep in math class. Frustrated, Agitated with Max, his alcoholic teacher calls him to the board, where he rushes Max to solve a difficult equation. While Max’s stomach irritates him that morning, he has an accident in his pants. Initially I thought the incident resulted from the stress of the math problem. This sentence seemed out of place. As students devise shameful nicknames for him, Max does his best to avoid the school bully who’s bullied him since ninth grade. He sits on the other side of the cafeteria and walks in different hallways to class. However, the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is probably using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since he moved to Florida during ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out, he throws Max naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral.

 

 

This paragraph feels disorganized. I would try to tie things together and make it flow better.

 

Tenth grade begins and things are worse than ever. Max's alcoholic math teacher humiliates him at the chalkboard, students call him shameful nicknames, he's exhausted and sleeps in class. The anxiety causes him to have an incident in his pants. Then there's the bully who's tormented him since ninth grade. Max tries to avoid him...

 

 

One night At nightfall in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he dresses, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and his voice becomes creepy. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, Maxi delivers the body to the abandoned house. She zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and her pet rat bites the prisoner’s leg. Maxi reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while she tells him to repent for his sins.

 

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control every day at nightfall. She keeps the bully in the abandoned house, educating him through physical violence and psychological torment. After Max’s math teacher takes his classroom humiliations too far, and Max’s mother’s boyfriend kills his pet rabbit,  Oh! :-(  Maxi kidnaps and imprisons them both in the abandoned house with the bully. The spirit tells Maxi's spirit tells him that they must repent for their sins comma and then she tells Maxi he should murder all three.  is to murder the prisoners.

 

 

 

During In the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the school bully’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes, sometimes, remain darker when he transforms back to Max. Emily understands something is wrong with her friend, but she does not understand he’s possessed. One day after school, she discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three captives. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues removing her wig and screaming that she is only Max, her friend, who’s been possessed by an evil spirit. As Emily finally realizes Max is possessed, she disappears terrified into the woods.

 

 

In an attempt to free her friend from demonic possession, Emily returns to the abandoned house and begs Max not to murder the prisoners and to fight the demon’s control. With Because of  Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily uses his steak knife to cut the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are burned, Max watches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys the sensation of freedom, a prisoner escapes and stabs him.

 

 

A few weeks later in the psychiatric hospital, a nurse walks into the room and finds Max talking to himself. While Max believes he’s speaking with Emily, the nurse reminds him that he’s actually in a psychiatric hospital and that Emily has not visited once since he’s been imprisoned for his kidnapping crimes. As Max reflects on his crimes, the nurse adds that he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the hospital for his own safety and evaluation, until he goes to court. After understanding that Emily is not in the room and seeing his strait jacket and the barred windows, Max finally realizes that the spirit was only a voice inside his mind. So much better!

 

 

​I think this new version add some new information that makes your synopsis richer. The ending is also very clear. The new info got a little jumbled in the second paragraph, but it just needs to be smoothed out a bit. Good job! And thanks for reviewing my query. Need to work on it some more.



#11 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 536 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 31 August 2017 - 01:34 PM

Hey Preston, I revised my query if you look at it when you get a chance. Thanks! http://agentquerycon...ost-4/?p=345915



#12 Preston Copeland.Biz

Preston Copeland.Biz

    Preston Copeland

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 287 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I am a self-published author at www.pcopeland2345.com.

Posted 03 September 2017 - 11:29 AM

Thanks Smithgirl! Great feedback!

 

Synopsis of Max Vision

 

​NEW SYNOPSIS DOWN BELOW AT http://agentquerycon...iller/?p=346532

 

 

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses Max and tempts him to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her boyfriend pushes Max around when he’s not watching daytime TV.

 

 

As tenth grade begins, Max’s alcoholic math teacher humiliates him at the markerboard for sleeping in class. While Max’s classmates laugh, the anxiety and his stomach problem cause him to have an accident in his pants. As if things couldn’t become worse, Max tries to avoid the school bully who’s tormented him since ninth grade. He sits on the other side of the cafeteria and walks in different hallways to class. However, the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is probably using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since he moved to Florida during ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out, he throws Max naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral.

 

 

One night in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he dresses, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and his voice becomes creepy. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, Maxi delivers the body to the abandoned house. She zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and her pet rat bites the prisoner’s leg. Maxi reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while she tells him to repent for his sins.

 

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control every day at nightfall. She keeps the bully in the abandoned house, educating him through physical violence and psychological torment. After Max’s math teacher takes his classroom humiliations too far, and Max’s mother’s boyfriend kills his pet rabbit, Maxi kidnaps and imprisons them both in the abandoned house with the bully. Maxi’s spirit tells her they must repent for their sins, and then she tells Maxi she should murder all three.

 

 

In the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the school bully’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes, sometimes, remain darker when he transforms back to Max. Emily understands something is wrong with her friend, but she does not understand he’s possessed. One day after school, she discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three captives. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues removing her wig and screaming that she is only Max, her friend, who’s been possessed by an evil spirit. As Emily finally realizes Max is possessed, she disappears terrified into the woods.

 

 

 

In an attempt to free her friend from demonic possession, Emily returns to the abandoned house and begs Max not to murder the prisoners and to fight the demon’s control. Because of Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily uses his steak knife to cut the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are burned, Max watches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys the sensation of freedom, a prisoner escapes and stabs him.

 

 

A few weeks later in the psychiatric hospital, a nurse walks in the room and finds Max talking to himself. While Max believes he’s speaking with Emily, the nurse reminds him that he’s actually in a psychiatric hospital and that Emily has not visited once since he’s been imprisoned for his kidnapping crimes. As Max reflects on his crimes, the nurse adds that he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the hospital for his own safety and evaluation, until he goes to court. After understanding that Emily is not in the room and seeing his strait jacket and the barred windows, Max finally realizes that the spirit was only a voice inside his mind.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#13 kathleenq

kathleenq

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 77 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 03 September 2017 - 07:13 PM

 

​Thanks Smithgirl! Great feedback!

 

Synopsis of Max Vision

 

 

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses Max and tempts him to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her boyfriend pushes Max around when he’s not watching daytime TV.

 

 

As tenth grade begins, Max’s alcoholic math teacher humiliates him at the markerboard for sleeping in class. While Max’s classmates laugh, the anxiety and his stomach problem cause him to have an accident in his pants. As if things couldn’t become worse, Max tries to avoid the school bully who’s tormented him since ninth grade. He sits on the other side of the cafeteria and walks in different hallways to class. However, the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is probably using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since he moved to Florida during ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out, he throws Max naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral.

 

 

One night in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he dresses, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and his voice becomes creepy. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, Maxi delivers the body to the abandoned house. She zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and her pet rat bites the prisoner’s leg. Maxi reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while she tells him to repent for his sins.

 

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control every day at nightfall. She keeps the bully in the abandoned house, educating him through with physical violence and psychological torment. After Max’s math teacher takes his classroom humiliations too far, and Max’s mother’s boyfriend kills his pet rabbit, Maxi kidnaps and imprisons them both in the abandoned house with the bully. Maxi’s spirit tells her they must repent for their sins, and then she tells Maxi she should murder all three. I'm confused about this spirit - I thought Maxi was the spirit? Or is the spirit talking to Max when he's dressed as Maxi? Either way, this needs a bit of clarification.

 

 

In the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the school bully’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes, sometimes, remain darker when he transforms back to Max. Emily understands something is wrong with her friend, but she does not understand he’s possessed. One day after school, she Emily discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three captives. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues comma removing her wig and screaming that she is only Max, her friend, who’s been possessed by an evil spirit. As Emily finally realizes Max is possessed, she disappears terrified into the woods.

 

 

 

In an attempt to free her friend from demonic possession, Emily returns to the abandoned house and begs Max not to murder the prisoners and to fight the demon’s control. Because of Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily uses his steak knife to cuts the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are burned, Max watches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys the sensation of freedom, a prisoner escapes and stabs him.

 

 

A few weeks later in the psychiatric hospital, a nurse walks in the room and finds Max talking to himself. While Max believes he’s speaking with Emily, the nurse reminds him that he’s actually in a psychiatric hospital and that Emily has not visited once since he’s been imprisoned for his kidnapping crimes. As Max reflects on his crimes, the nurse adds that he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the hospital for his own safety and evaluation, until he goes to court. After understanding that Emily is not in the room and seeing his strait jacket and the barred windows, Max finally realizes that the spirit was only a voice inside his mind.

 

This is great! Very clear, I get the story and understand completely what's going on. You're almost there :)


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#14 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 536 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 07 September 2017 - 02:37 PM

 

 

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses Max and tempts him to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her boyfriend pushes Max around when he’s not watching daytime TV.

 

As tenth grade begins, Max’s alcoholic math teacher humiliates him at the markerboard for sleeping in class. While Max’s classmates laugh, the anxiety and his stomach problem cause him to have an accident in his pants. To  make things worse, As if things couldn’t become worse, Max also has tries to avoid the school bully who’s tormented him since ninth grade. He sits on the other side of the cafeteria and walks in different hallways to class. However, this gets harder when the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is probably using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since he moved to Florida during ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out, he throws Max naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral.

 

One night in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he dresses, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and his voice becomes creepy. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, Maxi delivers the body to the abandoned house. She zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and her pet rat bites the prisoner’s leg. Maxi reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while she tells him to repent for his sins.

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control every day at nightfall. She keeps the bully in the abandoned house, educating him through physical violence and psychological torment. After Max’s math teacher takes his classroom humiliations too far, and Max’s mother’s boyfriend kills his pet rabbit, Maxi kidnaps and imprisons them both in the abandoned house with the bully. Maxi’s spirit tells her they must repent for their sins, and then she tells Maxi she should murder all three.

 

In the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the school bully’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes, sometimes, remain darker when he transforms back to Max. Emily understands something is wrong with her friend, but she does not understand he’s possessed. One day after school, she discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three captives. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues comma removing her wig and screaming that she is only Max, her friend, who’s been possessed by an evil spirit. As Emily finally realizes Max is possessed, she disappears terrified into the woods.

 

In an attempt to free her friend from demonic possession, Emily returns to the abandoned house and begs Max not to murder the prisoners and to fight the demon’s control. Because of Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily uses his steak knife to cut the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are burned, Max watches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys the sensation of freedom, a prisoner escapes and stabs him.

 

A few weeks later in the psychiatric hospital, a nurse walks in the room and finds Max talking to himself. While Max believes he’s speaking with Emily, the nurse reminds him that he’s actually in a psychiatric hospital and that Emily has not visited once since he was ’s been imprisoned for his kidnapping crimes. As Max reflects on his crimes, the nurse adds that he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the hospital for his own safety and evaluation, until he goes to court. After he comes to understand that Emily is not in the room and seeing that he's in a straight jacket, After understanding that Emily is not in the room and seeing his strait jacket and the barred windows, Max finally realizes that the spirit was only a voice inside his mind. This last part is just a personal issue, because it feels passive to begin your very last sentence with the "understanding" construction.

 

I just had a few minor comments, mostly related to that one paragraph you recently. As if things couldn't get worse doesn't seem to fit. I also think you can omit the example sentence where he's walking around the school. Overall the story is very clear to me, and there were just these few tiny tiny things. It's looking good to me. Good luck!

 

 



#15 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 536 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 07 September 2017 - 02:46 PM

I wanted to say that I just looked at Kathleen's comment, and I agree with her confusion re this sentence:

 

Maxi’s spirit tells her they must repent for their sins, and then she tells Maxi she should murder all three.

 

It tripped me up a bit also, but then I moved on. I think it's harder to critique when you get so familiar with a story. But it really is a bit unclear when you break it apart.

 

Maxi's spirit tells her....  But Maxi's spirit is her...right? So spirit telling itself? At the same time, Max has become Maxi's spirit, so I see how you could refer to Max as her, but it gets confusing here.

 

Maybe reword: Maxi's spirit tells Max they must repent for their sins, and then she tells Max to murder all three.



#16 Preston Copeland.Biz

Preston Copeland.Biz

    Preston Copeland

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 287 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I am a self-published author at www.pcopeland2345.com.

Posted 16 September 2017 - 12:13 PM

​Thank you so much Smithgirl & KathleenQ. Your help has been tremendously helpful.

​I will go and check out your projects now. Let me know if you need me to look at anything in particular.

​Thank you again....

​Here's my newest version with your changes.

 

Synopsis of Max Vision

 

 

When fifteen-year-old MAX JACOB and his best friend, EMILY, explore a dead woman’s abandoned house, the woman’s spirit possesses Max and tempts him to wear a costume to become MAXI, a vengeful drag queen who punishes bullies. Max takes the costume to his run-down trailer park where he lives with his mother and her mentally unstable boyfriend. While Max’s mother works double-shifts to pay rent, her alcoholic boyfriend pushes Max around. 

 

As tenth grade begins, Max’s alcoholic math teacher publicly humiliates him for sleeping in class. While Max’s classmates laugh, the anxiety along with his stomach problem that morning cause him to have an accident in his pants. To make things worse, Max also has to avoid the school bully who’s tormented him since ninth grade. However, this becomes harder when the bully’s girlfriend begins to flirt with Max. Emily warns Max the girl is probably using him, but she’s been Max’s crush since ninth grade. When her boyfriend finds out, he throws Max naked into a crowded hallway. Already suffering from low self-esteem, Max is devastated when students upload pictures and his naked image goes viral.

 

 

One night in his trailer, Max decides to put on Maxi’s dress, wig, and heels. As he wears the costume, his eyes slowly darken, his nails lengthen, and his voice becomes creepy. In the darkness, Maxi uses a stolen truck to kidnap the bully from his house. After knocking the bully unconscious with a bat, Maxi delivers the body to the abandoned house. Maxi zip-ties the bully in a bedroom and her pet rat bites the prisoner’s leg. She reminds the bully of how pain and humiliation feels, while she tells him to repent for his sins.

 

 

 

Over the next few weeks, Maxi takes full-control every day at nightfall. She keeps the bully in the abandoned house, educating him with physical violence and psychological torment. After Max’s math teacher takes his classroom humiliations too far, and Max’s mother’s boyfriend kills his pet rabbit, Maxi kidnaps and imprisons them both in the abandoned house with the bully. The evil spirit tells Maxi the prisoners must repent for their sins, and then she tells Maxi to murder all three.

 

 

In the daytime, Max gains popularity and self-respect at school by dating the school bully’s hot girlfriend. However, Max notices that his body is thinning and his eyes remain darker when he transforms back to Max. One day after school, Emily discovers Maxi standing in the abandoned house with a bloody steak knife and three prisoners. She runs for her life. Maxi pursues, removing her wig and screaming that she is only Max, her friend, who’s been possessed by an evil spirit. As Emily realizes Max is possessed, she disappears terrified into the woods.

 

 

 

In an attempt to free her friend from possession, Emily returns to the abandoned house and begs Max not to murder the prisoners and to fight the demon’s control. Because of Emily’s pleas, Max decides to burn the costume, hoping it will free him of the possession. But the betrayed spirit uses the dress to suffocate Max. As he falls to the floor, Emily cuts the dress off his shaking body. After the dress, wig, and heels are burned, Max watches his nails shrink and he feels the heavy spirit leave his body. While Max enjoys the sensation of freedom, a prisoner escapes and stabs him.

 

 

A few weeks later in the psychiatric hospital, a nurse walks in the room and finds Max talking to himself. While Max believes he’s speaking with Emily, the nurse reminds him that he’s in a psychiatric hospital and that Emily has not visited once since he was imprisoned for his crimes. As Max reflects on his crimes, the nurse adds that he had a brief-psychotic disorder, and he’s in the hospital for his own safety and evaluation. After he comes to understand that Emily is not in the room and seeing that he's in a straight jacket, Max finally realizes that the spirit was only a voice inside his mind.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#17 kathleenq

kathleenq

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 77 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 24 September 2017 - 10:35 PM

I think it's great! The only thing I have with this is this sentence: "The evil spirit tells Maxi the prisoners must repent for their sins, and then she tells Maxi to murder all three."

 

So I get that when Max dresses up in the dress, he becomes Maxi, a different person with different thoughts, etc. But I thought that Maxi is the other spirit, because it's a possession? Maybe it would be clearer if you explain that Max is fighting back against Maxi, but Maxi/spirit insists that Max kill the bullies?

 

But if the spirit is a different thing than Max or Maxi, then the way you have it now does make the most sense. Or just cut out the evil spirit bit, so "Maxi tells the prisoners they must repent for their sins or they will be killed."


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#18 jaustail

jaustail

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 465 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Foliate Oak Literary Magazine, Literary Orphans Magazine.

Posted 29 September 2017 - 01:29 AM

I like this. The ending put me off. I wish the spirit had actually possessed Max. Maybe you could make it like: Max has pictures of the three hostages so they make a deal. The hostages will remain silent as to who kidnapped them and Max/Maxi won't show their pictures to anyone.

 

The mental asylum was a big turn off. It's like ending the story with 'It was all a dream'

Of course this is just my opinion.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users