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I am the Kraken: The Buccaneers' Relic (YA fantasy)


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#1 galaxyspinner

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Posted 03 August 2017 - 03:53 PM

Current version here.

 

 

This is probably a bit convoluted at this point, so I'm counting on y'all to tell me where, exactly, it breaks apart for you:

 

~~~

 

When DESTINY CURRY was ten years old, she was visited in the night by a mysterious hand emerging from the mug of water she kept beside her bed. The hand warned her that there was a monster in her room. Destiny managed to defeat the abominable creature with the help of her visitor, who left behind a golden coin.

 

Six years later, the coin remains Destiny's secret. She tells people the story of how she acquired it all the time, but only because she knows they'll never believe it. It's a fun diversion from her own life, which is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming girl bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

Soon afterward, a strange woman drops an anchor through her school's ceiling and makes off with Destiny's treasured coin. Destiny chases her as she flees to the girls' room, catching up in time to see her jump straight down a toilet. The girl jumps right in after her without stopping to think.

 

Destiny finds herself in a vast ocean dotted with tropical islands, and the path has closed behind her. She is pulled aboard a ship straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, save for its gigantic set of squid tentacles. This ship is the Rebecca, flagship of the Buccaneer fleet and pride of CAPTAIN HOBBES. Though Destiny is welcomed warmly, she persists to demand her coin back from the fierce and beautiful TANKINI MARLIN, Hobbes's first mate.

 

It becomes clear that it was Tankini who first appeared to Destiny through her mug six years ago. They explain that the coin is more than just a shiny trinket, representing a source of power that the pirate fleets of the Wild Blue need to wage their war against the Wyrd gods. Centuries ago, these eldritch abominations used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. They have lived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, living the lives of pirates as the serve as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

Unfortunately, the Buccaneer fleet is now hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. This means it'll take some time before they can send Destiny back home. This doesn't bother Destiny, though, since she doesn't intend to leave until she at least gets to pilot the tentacled ship.

 

It is thus that Destiny gets caught up in an encounter with NAUT, a ruthless creature of Kraken's design. Naut demands the Buccaneer's surrender, and the return of the Kraken Relic. They manage to repel Naut's fleet and send Destiny on her way, but not before the girl can attract a little too much of the creature's attention.

 

Destiny goes home, worried that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

All who visit the Maelstrom Market are there at the pleasure of the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice; she could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probably victory of the Wyrd gods, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When it becomes clear that the Kraken Relic has been compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. After a tangle with one of the Wyrd's minions, she retrieves the relic but accidentally swallows it.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees belowdecks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. The girl slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#2 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 02:35 AM

This is what happens when Alice in Wonderland meets Pirates of the Carribean in the lines of Stranger Things :)

This is probably a bit convoluted at this point, so I'm counting on y'all to tell me where, exactly, it breaks apart for you:

 

~~~

 

When DESTINY CURRY was ten years old, she was visited in the night by a mysterious hand emerging from the mug of water she kept beside her bed. The hand warned her that there was a monster in her room. Destiny managed to defeat the abominable creature with the help of her visitor, who left behind a golden coin.

 

Six years later, the coin remains Destiny's secret. She tells people the story of how she acquired it all the time, but only because she knows they'll never believe it. It's a fun diversion from her own life, which is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming girl bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic. -- I removed some parts which were not adding any value to the synopsis, but kept the parts that make it a narnia/alice kind of story.

 

Soon afterward, a strange woman drops an anchor (a literal anchor? Doesnt anyone else notice her? What about the school authorities?) through her school's ceiling and makes off with Destiny's treasured coin. Destiny chases her as she flees to the girls' room, catching up in time to see her jump straight down a toilet. The girl jumps right in after her without stopping to think.

 

Destiny finds herself in a vast ocean dotted with tropical islands, and the path has closed behind her. She is pulled aboard a ship straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, save for its gigantic set of squid tentacles. This ship is the Rebecca, flagship of the Buccaneer fleet and pride of CAPTAIN HOBBES. Though Destiny is welcomed warmly, she persists to demand her coin back from the fierce and beautiful TANKINI MARLIN, Hobbes's first mate.

 

It becomes clear that it was Tankini who first appeared to Destiny through her mug six years ago. They explain that the coin is more than just a shiny trinket, representsing a source of power that the pirate fleets of the Wild Blue (never mentioned before, never mentioned again) need to wage their war against the Wyrd gods. Centuries ago, these eldritch abominations used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. They have lived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, living the lives of pirates as the and(?) serve as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

Unfortunately, the Buccaneer fleet is now hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. This means it'll take some time before they can send Destiny back home. This part can be skipped, as they anyway send her home in the next para. This doesn't bother Destiny, though, since she doesn't intend to leave until she at least gets to pilot the tentacled ship. This one definitely has to go.

 

It is thus that Destiny gets caught up in an encounter with NAUT, a ruthless creature of Kraken's design. Naut demands the Buccaneer's surrender, and the return of the Kraken Relic. They manage to repel Naut's fleet and send Destiny on her way, but not before the girl can had attracted a little too much of the creature's attention.

 

Destiny goes home, worried that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steals the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

All who visit the Maelstrom Market are there at the pleasure of is run by (?) the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice; she could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probably victory of the Wyrd gods, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When it becomes clear that the Kraken Relic gets  has been compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. After a tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions, she retrieves the relic but accidentally swallows it.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees below decks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. The girl slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.

 

 

Brilliant concept and an excellent ending.

Good job.

 

Please have a look at my synopsis too :)



#3 galaxyspinner

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 03:00 AM

It's crazy; nobody commented on this synopsis for weeks, and then suddenly I discover that you posted while I was putting up a fresh draft. Thanks for that; here's a revised version:

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. They have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, living the lives of pirates as they serve as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' locker room, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that crawls about on a set of giant squid tentacles. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

The pirates send Destiny home, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

All who visit the Maelstrom Market are there at the pleasure of the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice; she could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probably victory of the Wyrd gods, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees belowdecks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. The girl slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#4 Ireth

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 11:02 AM

It's crazy; nobody commented on this synopsis for weeks, and then suddenly I discover that you posted while I was putting up a fresh draft. Thanks for that; here's a revised version:

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. They have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, living the lives of pirates as they serve as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for Destiny (why do you call her "the girl"? just use her name, or say "her") to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that crawls about on a set of giant squid tentacles. (Does it crawl on the surface of the ocean?) Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

The pirates send Destiny home (wait, I thought you said they wouldn't refuse her help? or is this after the ambush? And how does Destiny help?), leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place run by mermaids, where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

All who visit the Maelstrom Market are there at the pleasure of the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice(colon) she could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probable victory of the Wyrd gods, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees belowdecks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids. (Hah, nice!)

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. She falls unconscious, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. (This really comes out of nowhere. I had to reread about the four fleets before I figured out the Vikings were one of them.) The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#5 galaxyspinner

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 12:40 PM

Yikes; I still had a typo in there? That was boneheaded of me. Thanks for that; here's a polished draft.

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. They have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, living the lives of pirates as they serve as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that moves about on a set of giant squid tentacles. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

The battle is a harrowing but thrilling experience wherein Destiny discovers that she's got a surprising knack for piloting the Rebecca. Unfortunately, the pirates send her home as soon as the coast is clear, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

The Maelstrom Market is governed by the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything in the market can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice: She could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probable victory of the Wyrd gods, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees belowdecks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. The girl slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#6 Ireth

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 01:38 PM

Yikes; I still had a typo in there? That was boneheaded of me. Thanks for that; here's a polished draft.

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. They have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, living the lives of pirates as they serve as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for her to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship propelled by a set of giant squid tentacles. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

The battle is a harrowing but thrilling experience wherein During the ensuing battle, Destiny discovers that she's got a surprising knack for piloting the Rebecca. Unfortunately, the pirates send her home as soon as the coast is clear, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

The Maelstrom Market is governed by the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything in the market can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice: She could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probable victory of the Wyrd gods, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees belowdecks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. She slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. (Still think you should mention the Vikings earlier; otherwise they come off as a Deus Ex Machina) The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#7 galaxyspinner

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 02:27 PM

Thanks for continuing to offer feedback. I tried mentioning the Viking fleet earlier; my concern is that it might seem like just a little too much exposition in the first paragraph. Any thoughts?

 

Further, I'm reluctant to change that one instance of "the girl" to "her" in the second paragraph; I need to make it clear that I'm talking about Destiny, and not her mother.

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. The Buccaneers, the Corsairs, the Marauders, and the Vikings have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, serving as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that moves about on a set of giant squid tentacles. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

Destiny can't help but enjoy the ensuing battle, and discovers an aptitude for piloting the Rebecca. Unfortunately, the pirates send her home as soon as the coast is clear, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

The Maelstrom Market is governed by the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything in the market can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice: She could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probable victory of the Wyrd gods, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees belowdecks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. She slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#8 Ireth

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 02:51 PM

Thanks for continuing to offer feedback. I tried mentioning the Viking fleet earlier; my concern is that it might seem like just a little too much exposition in the first paragraph. Any thoughts? I think the best thing you can do is involve the Viking fleet more in the story, so they don't come out of nowhere at the end.

 

Further, I'm reluctant to change that one instance of "the girl" to "her" in the second paragraph; I need to make it clear that I'm talking about Destiny, and not her mother. then just use her name. It makes things way clearer.

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. The Buccaneers, the Corsairs, the Marauders, and the Vikings have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, serving as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for Destiny to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that moves about on a set of giant squid tentacles. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

Destiny can't help but enjoy the ensuing battle, and discovers an aptitude for piloting the Rebecca. Unfortunately, the pirates send her home as soon as the coast is clear, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

The Maelstrom Market is governed by the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything in the market can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice: She could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probable victory of the Wyrd gods, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees belowdecks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. She slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#9 9emilylime9

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 11:32 PM

Thanks for continuing to offer feedback. I tried mentioning the Viking fleet earlier; my concern is that it might seem like just a little too much exposition in the first paragraph. Any thoughts? I found it helpful to orient myself in your world.

 

Further, I'm reluctant to change that one instance of "the girl" to "her" in the second paragraph; I need to make it clear that I'm talking about Destiny, and not her mother.

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using these relics to form the four pirate fleets. The Buccaneers, the Corsairs, the Marauders, and the Vikings have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, serving as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup (I don't know if you need this detail). Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday (this phrasing feels awkward and too wordy), but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that moves about on a with a set of giant squid tentacles. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

Destiny can't help but enjoy the ensuing battle, and discovers an aptitude for piloting the Rebecca. Unfortunately, the pirates send her home as soon as the coast is clear, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and together they set about trying to concoct a way to defeat Naut. The only way to kill an immortal enemy, Hobbes tells her, is to find some mortality. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

The Maelstrom Market is governed by the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything in the market can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome lesson in this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice: She could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers and the probable victory of the Wyrd gods (I feel like you need to make it more clear how the world will end if Naut gets his hands on the relic-- those are the main stakes, after all. Also I am not sure how Hobbes figures into this. If they're working together, and have become friends, that's a further complication to Destiny's dilemma that's worth mentioning), or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, they have no reliable way of delivering it. Naut sees through their first ruse, taking the mortality and casting it overboard. Destiny flees belowdecks, where Naut engages her in battle.

 

She holds him off for as long as she can, but Naut is too strong for her. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. She slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother (How? I thought her mother had been turned into a coin. Was Naut just going to kill her? How would she get her back if she was imprisoned?).

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again. (So the fleets are all rival, but all are still responsible for protecting humanity? I feel like you can work in the Viking fleet earlier by mentioning the relationships between the different fleets)

 

There's a lot going on here. It took me two read-throughs to fully absorb the plot. I would suggest paring down as many of the fantastical elements as you can mostly so that you don't get caught up in going from event to event, but rather focus on the character arcs, decisions, and main conflict. That will ultimately keep a reader of this engaged and help them navigate (heh) what's happening in your world.



#10 galaxyspinner

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 03:10 AM

You raise some good points; I haven't addressed all of them here, but I'm going to think on them some more.

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using this power to form the four pirate fleets. The Buccaneers, the Corsairs, the Marauders, and the Vikings have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, serving as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that swims in the sea and walks across the land on a set of enormous squid tentacles. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

Destiny can't help but enjoy the ensuing battle, and discovers an aptitude for piloting the Rebecca. Unfortunately, the pirates send her home as soon as the coast is clear, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers. This relic represents the power that the Buccaneers stole from Kraken, without which the fleet would be lost.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection and explains that they can restore her mother if they kill Naut. Unfortunately, Naut is immortal, which means they'll have to find some mortality first. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

The Maelstrom Market is governed by the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything in the market can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome demonstration of this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice: She could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, Naut foils their plan to force it on him and casts it overboard. Destiny then goes to Plan B and flees belowdecks.

 

Naut pursues Destiny and traps her in a corner. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. She slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#11 Ireth

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 11:59 AM

You raise some good points; I haven't addressed all of them here, but I'm going to think on them some more.

 

~~~

 

Centuries ago, the eldritch abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using this power to form the four pirate fleets. The Buccaneers, the Corsairs, the Marauders, and the Vikings have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, serving as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that swims in the sea and walks across the land on a set of enormous squid tentacles. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, Kraken, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, So when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help.

 

Destiny can't help but enjoy the ensuing battle, and discovers an aptitude for piloting the Rebecca. Unfortunately, the pirates send her home as soon as the coast is clear, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers. This relic represents the power that the Buccaneers stole from Kraken, without which the fleet would be lost.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection and explains that they can restore her mother if they kill Naut. Unfortunately, Naut is immortal, which means they'll have to find some mortality first. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

The Maelstrom Market is governed by the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything in the market can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome demonstration of this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice: She could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, Naut foils their plan to force it on him and casts it overboard. Destiny then goes to Plan B and flees belowdecks.

 

Naut pursues Destiny and traps her in a corner. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. She slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother. (Reading through this again, I don't actually see where, when or how Destiny saved her mother. You should go into detail about that, since it's so important to Destiny.)

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed (again, how?) and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#12 galaxyspinner

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 03:39 PM

I understand your point about how it was unclear how Destiny's mother was saved; I actually realized this problem in the previous draft, and meant to correct it with the line "Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection and explains that they can restore her mother if they kill Naut." Did you not notice this new line, or is it simply not sufficient?


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#13 Ireth

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 03:52 PM

I understand your point about how it was unclear how Destiny's mother was saved; I actually realized this problem in the previous draft, and meant to correct it with the line "Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection and explains that they can restore her mother if they kill Naut." Did you not notice this new line, or is it simply not sufficient?

 

Ah, I didn't notice! Thanks for clearing it up. Though I think it might be better if you make it more defiinite: "...if they kill Naut, Destiny's mother will be freed."


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#14 smithgirl

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Posted 04 September 2017 - 05:09 PM

 

Centuries ago, the sinister eldritch gods abominations known as the Wyrd used to have free run of the mortal realm, spiriting away humans for their own unfathomable purposes. Some of these humans managed to escape their masters and steal portions of their power, using this power to form the four pirate fleets. The Buccaneers, the Corsairs, the Marauders, and the Vikings have survived ever since in the Wild Blue, an ocean that lies between the mortal realm and the realm of the Wyrd, serving as humankind's only line of defense against the dark gods. Your choice of abominations confuses me. It's just so vague. Can you use a word that conveys more information? Are they the dark gods? One other point is that I didn know the word eldritch (maybe most people do?) But that word in conjunction with the vague abominations term really tripped me up right at the beginning. I think that sinister gods would be much clearer.

 

In the modern day, sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY'S life is plagued with a banal high school faculty and an underwhelming bully who tries to get her to wear makeup. Nice. Her mother assures her that she will do something amazing someday, but advises that in the meantime she should keep her head down and stop getting into stupid fights with stupid people. It's almost demoralizing enough for the girl to give up hope that her name would ever stop feeling deeply ironic. I don't follow this last sentence.

 

When Destiny has a run-in with TANKINI MARLIN, a mysterious woman straight out of the Golden Age of Piracy, What is the Golden Age of Piracy? she sees a chance for adventure that she never thought she'd get. When Tankini jumps straight down a toilet in the girls' bathroom, Destiny jumps right after her without taking the time to wonder how she did it. She ends up in the Wild Blue, aboard the ship of the jovial CAPTAIN HOBBES.

 

Hobbes is the pirate king of the Buccaneer fleet and the head of the Rebecca, a ship that swims in the sea and walks across the land on a set of enormous squid tentacles. Cool. Unfortunately, the Buccaneers are hard up for resources; a recent ambush from the Wyrd god, KRAKEN, has reduced their roster to nothing but Hobbes, Tankini, and the Rebecca. Therefore, when a ruthless Wyrd captain by the name of NAUT ambushes the ship, they're in no position to turn down Destiny's help. How can Destiny help? Does she have fighting skills?

 

Destiny can't help but enjoy the ensuing battle, and discovers an aptitude for piloting the Rebecca. Unfortunately, the pirates send her home as soon as the coast is clear, leaving her to worry that she may never see the Wild Blue again. Why do they send her home after just recruiting her in the bathroom? Her fears are allayed in horrible fashion when Naut appears and transforms her mother into a golden coin. He informs her that she might get her mother back if she finds a way to steal a treasure known as the Kraken Relic back from the Buccaneers. This relic represents the power that the Buccaneers stole from Kraken, without which the fleet would be lost.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection and explains that they can restore her mother if they kill Naut. How does Hobbes know about the offer? Unfortunately, Naut is immortal, which means they'll have to find some mortality first. They therefore make haste to the Maelstrom Market, a place where absolutely anything can be bought or sold.

 

The Maelstrom Market is governed by the mermaids, eldritch creatures who deal in humanity as easily as they deal in apples and oranges. The mermaids have one rule: Everything in the market can be given, but nothing can be taken. Anyone who tries to take something that isn't being offered no longer enjoys the protection of the market, and everything they own is forfeit to the mermaids. Destiny gets a gruesome demonstration of this when a pirate from the rival Corsair fleet tries to kidnap her and immediately disintegrates into nothing.  I stopped making comments here.

 

The market doesn't have any mortality in stock, but they get pointed in the right direction. They strike out on the open ocean again, plundering ships, swindling rivals, and digging up buried treasure to eke out every advantage they can get. All the while, Destiny struggles with an unthinkable choice: She could save her mother, but in doing so assure the fall of the Buccaneers, or she could keep the world safe from the Wyrd and most likely never see her mother again.

 

When the Kraken Relic becomes compromised, Destiny is sent out by herself to retrieve it from its hiding place. She tangles with one of the Wyrd's minions and retrieves the relic, but accidentally swallows it in the process.

 

Things are looking bleak as the final showdown with Naut nears. The Rebecca is listing, Tankini is hobbled, and, though they managed to acquire a bottle of mortality, Naut foils their plan to force it on him and casts it overboard. Destiny then goes to Plan B and flees belowdecks.

 

Naut pursues Destiny and traps her in a corner. He pins her against the wall and reaches down her throat to reclaim the Kraken Relic. The moment he does, though, he begins to come apart. In a fury, he flies back up onto the deck to discover that the ship had pulled into the Maelstrom Market when he wasn't looking. Now, having broken the one rule of the market, he is ripe for salvage by the mermaids.

 

Destiny is carried along for the ride as Naut flies away, trying vainly to escape his doom. He ceases to exist miles above the ocean's surface, leaving Destiny to fall. She slips out of consciousness, content that she managed to save her mother.

 

Destiny wakes to find that she had been rescued by the airborne ships of the Viking fleet. The Viking queen delivers her back to the Buccaneers, pledging unity between the two fleets in the coming struggle against the Wyrd. With her mother freed and the Wyrd believing her to be dead, Destiny is able to return home to safety. However, the Kraken Relic has become fully bonded with her now, so it won't be long before the Buccaneers need to call upon her again.

 

Your synopsis is too long and complex. I completely understand because I always want to do the same thing. But it's just too much to follow. You need to cut back on the number of characters and names and events. Your synopsis should be 1 page single-spaced with 1 in margins and 12pt Times New Roman font. You can fudge the length a bit because these days you mostly paste your synopsis into the body of a query email, but this is too long. I pasted it into Word, and it was 1.5 pages single-spaced and 949 words. I would shoot for ~ 700 words.

 

You need to cut your synopsis down to the something that you can clearly convey within the one-page format. That means you'll have to cut a lot, but that's OK. Right now I just can't follow it. Once you cut out all the extra stuff, the real story will become clear. Can you please review my query when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...sion-in-post-8/



#15 galaxyspinner

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 09:13 PM

I took this back to the drawing board a bit; it's substantially shorter, and I hope easier to digest.

 

~~~

 

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. So great is her restlessness that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean that exists between our own world and the nightmare realm of the Wyrd gods. These eldritch entities once preyed freely upon humanity, spiriting shiploads of sailors away for their ineffable purposes. The descendants of their early captives, now live free as pirates as they serve as humanity’s only line of defense against the Wyrd.

 

Destiny’s first visit to the Wild Blue is everything she ever wanted; she meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. If Hobbes didn’t make her go home, she might have stayed forever.

Unfortunately, her presence attracts the attention of NAUT, a ruthless Wyrd creature who follows her home and abducts her mother. Naut wants Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so that she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Hobbes takes Destiny into his protection, and they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. All the while, Destiny struggles with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship; if Destiny betrays them, the Wild Blue will surely lose the Buccaneers, and the Wyrd may soon regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, shopping in a mermaid market, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. By the time she has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to be able to grow up to be. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. He then disintegrates into nothing as everything he owns and everything he is is forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back. Unfortunately, she has also bonded with the Kraken relic. She therefore returns home, knowing that soon the Buccaneer fleet will need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#16 Ireth

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 09:24 PM

I took this back to the drawing board a bit; it's substantially shorter, and I hope easier to digest.

 

~~~

 

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. So great is her restlessness that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean that exists between our own world and the nightmare realm of the Wyrd gods. These eldritch entities once preyed freely upon humanity, spiriting shiploads of sailors away for their ineffable purposes. The descendants of their early captives(no comma) now live free as pirates as they serve as humanity’s only line of defense against the Wyrd.

 

Destiny’s first visit to the Wild Blue is everything she ever wanted; she meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. If Hobbes didn’t (the tense feels off to me here) make her go home, she might have (see previous) stayed forever.

Unfortunately, her presence attracts the attention of NAUT, a ruthless Wyrd creature who follows her home and abducts her mother. Naut wants Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so that she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

When Destiny returns to the Wild Blue, Hobbes takes her into his protection, and they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. All the while, Destiny struggles with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship; if Destiny betrays them, the Wild Blue will surely lose the Buccaneers, and the Wyrd may soon regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, shopping in a mermaid market, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. By the time she has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to be able to grow up to be. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. He then disintegrates into nothing as everything he owns and everything he is is forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back, and the two go home together. Unfortunately, Destiny has also bonded with the Kraken relic, and she knows it won't be long before the Buccaneer fleet will need to call upon her again.


There's too much blood in my tea system. Time to put the kettle on.

 

~~~

 

All projects except WINTER'S QUEEN are currently on hiatus until further notice. Thank you!

 

Queries:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...e-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...orical-fantasy/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...sea-ya-fantasy/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing On Edges: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Bellringer: http://agentquerycon...ringer-fantasy/

 

Hooks:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...tasy-hook-help/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...k-epic-fantasy/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

Moonhunter: http://agentquerycon...ya-xenofiction/

Song of the Sea: http://agentquerycon...ong-of-the-sea/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/

Dancing on Edges: http://agentquerycon...asy-query-hook/

 

Synopses:

Winter's Queen: http://agentquerycon...een-ya-fantasy/

Tenth Realm: http://agentquerycon...ntasy-synopsis/

Low Road: http://agentquerycon...fantasyvampire/

My Soul to Keep: http://agentquerycon...porary-fantasy/


#17 galaxyspinner

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 09:32 PM

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. So great is her restlessness that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean that exists between our own world and the nightmare realm of the Wyrd gods. These eldritch entities once preyed freely upon humanity, spiriting shiploads of sailors away for their ineffable purposes. The descendants of their early captives now live free as pirates as they serve as humanity’s only line of defense against the Wyrd.

 

Destiny’s first visit to the Wild Blue is everything she ever wanted; she meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. If Hobbes hadn't made her go home, she might have stayed forever.

 

Unfortunately, her presence attracts the attention of NAUT, a ruthless Wyrd creature who follows her home and abducts her mother. Naut wants Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and Hobbes takes her into his protection. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. All the while, Destiny struggles with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship; if Destiny betrays them, the Wild Blue will surely lose the Buccaneers, and the Wyrd may soon regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, shopping in a mermaid market, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. By the time she has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to be able to grow up to be. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. He then disintegrates into nothing as everything he owns and everything he is is forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the two of them return home. Unfortunately, Destiny has also bonded with the Kraken relic. She therefore returns home, knowing that it will not be long before the Buccaneer fleet will need to call upon her again.


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Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#18 galaxyspinner

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Posted 19 November 2017 - 10:50 PM

Gonna give this another try:

 

~~~

 

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. So great is her restlessness that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted, and she returns home hoping for an excuse to go back one day.

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. The Wyrd gods were the ones who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue in the first place, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their masters' power to win their freedom. Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to enlist the girl's help. Destiny is gold to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and Hobbes takes her into his protection. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship; if Destiny betrays them, the Wild Blue will surely lose the Buccaneers, and the Wyrd may soon regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, shopping in a mermaid market, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. By the time she has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to be able to grow up to be. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. He then disintegrates into nothing as everything he owns and everything he is is forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the two of them return home. Unfortunately, Destiny has also bonded with the Kraken relic. She therefore returns home, knowing that it will not be long before the Buccaneer fleet will need to call upon her again.

 

21687480_10106010677096743_5607964074841


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#19 LeeAllan

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Posted 27 December 2017 - 10:52 PM

I think this synopsis is so good, that not much needs to be changed. However, I am new to writing a synopsis. Others may have better insights than mine.

 

I'd be grateful if you would critique my synopsis, for Love, Cats, and Assassins, at this link: http://agentquerycon...turn-critiques/

 

 

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything everyone around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to she doesn't know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. So great is her restlessness that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible. [I love this hook!]

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has everything she wanted, and she returns home hoping for an excuse to go back one day.

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of Kraken,[shouldn't you capitalize this word?] one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. The Wyrd gods were the ones who first to abducted humans into the Wild Blue in the first place, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those humans who pilfered a portion of their masters' power to win their freedom. Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to enlist the girl's help. He wants Destiny is gold to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and Hobbes takes her into his protection. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. [I love how she has to make a choice] To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship; [period here] Iif Destiny betrays them, the Wild Blue will surely lose the Buccaneers, and the Wyrd may soon regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, shopping in a mermaid market, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. By the time she has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to become able to grow up to be. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured She lures him into the mermaid market, hoping he'll try to take the relic from her. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market: E --everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. He then disintegrates into nothing as everything he owns and everything he is is [reword this sentence so you don't have a double "is"] forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the two of them return home. Unfortunately, Destiny has also bonded with the Kraken relic. She therefore returns home, knowing that it will not be long before the Buccaneer fleet will need to call upon her again.

 

Great job!



#20 robertguitar

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Posted 04 January 2018 - 12:10 PM

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. So great is her restlessness that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible. This is a great first paragraph. We really get a bead on Destiny. Also it's very funny that she jumps into the toilet after the mysterious woman.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted, and she returns home hoping for an excuse to go back one day. Again, it's funny that the toilet bowl portal leads her into the Wild Blue dimension. "Hoping for an excuse to go back one day" sounds a little open ended. Is there something more particular that might draw her back?

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. The Wyrd gods were the ones who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue in the first place, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their masters' power to win their freedom. Can't quite wrap my brain around this. I realize that the pirates are humans, so the Wyrd Gods abducted them into the Wild Blue (probably as slaves?) but then the pirates stole some of the Wyrd God's power and got free? Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to enlist the girl's help. Destiny is gold to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and Hobbes takes her into his protection. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship; if Destiny betrays them, the Wild Blue will surely lose the Buccaneers,that's a strange way to put it and the Wyrd may soon regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, shopping in a mermaid market, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. By the time she has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to be able to grow up to be. Nice Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her? Nice again

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. He then disintegrates into nothing as everything he owns and everything he is is forfeit to the mermaids. Is there a smooth way to introduce the mermaid market into the synopsis earlier. Otherwise it seems like a deus ex machina.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the two of them return home. Unfortunately, Destiny has also bonded with the Kraken relic. She therefore returns home, knowing that it will not be long before the Buccaneer fleet Buccaneer fleet was down to one ship. Was it re-populated or magically re-materialized? will need to call upon her again.

I would love a critique if you have the time: http://agentquerycon...shoes-synopsis/






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