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I am the Kraken: The Buccaneers' Relic (YA fantasy)


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#21 galaxyspinner

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Posted 09 January 2018 - 01:23 PM

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. Her restlessness reaches a point that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted. Hobbes makes her go home for her own protection, but she hopes and prays that she'll get to return one day.

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. It was these Wyrd gods who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their old masters' power to win their freedom. Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to enlist the girl's help. He instructs Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and Hobbes takes her into his protection. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship. If Destiny betrays them, the Buccaneers will surely be wiped out, and the Wyrd may quickly regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. Even a visit to a mermaid market proves to be a treacherous venture; the mermaids are a curious and covetous people, as capable of dealing in traits and qualities as they are trading apples and oranges. Their market has one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Destiny witnesses the implications of this rule when a pirate from a rival ship tries to abscond with her, and he immediately dissolves into nothing as the mermaids plunder him down to his essences.

 

By the time Destiny has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to be able to grow up to be. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market. He then disintegrates into nothing as everything he owns and everything he is becomes forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the two of them return home. Unfortunately, Destiny has also bonded with the Kraken relic. She therefore returns home, knowing that it will not be long before the buccaneers will need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#22 smithgirl

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Posted 09 January 2018 - 06:45 PM

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. Her restlessness reaches a point that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

I like your first paragraph! It really pulled me in.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted. Hobbes makes her go home for her own protection, but she hopes and prays that she'll get to return one day. Why does she have to leave for her own protection? Is it dangerous on the ship?

 

Years later? Months? What's the timeframe? Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. It was these Wyrd gods who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their old masters' power to win their freedom. Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, When did Kraken lose power? and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to enlist the girl's help. Why does Naut need Destiny's help? He instructs Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and Hobbes takes her into his protection. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship. If Destiny betrays them, the Buccaneers will surely be wiped out, and the Wyrd may quickly regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. Even a visit to a mermaid market proves to be a treacherous venture; the mermaids are a curious and covetous people, as capable of dealing in traits and qualities as they are trading apples and oranges. Their market has one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Destiny witnesses the implications of this rule when a pirate from a rival ship tries to abscond with her, and he immediately dissolves into nothing as the mermaids plunder him down to his essences. I think you can cut this whole paragraph.

 

By the time Destiny has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to be able to grow up to become. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to ensnare trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into a mermaid trap. the mermaid market. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market. He then disintegrates into nothing. as everything he owns and everything he is becomes forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the two of them return home. Unfortunately, Destiny has also bonded with the Kraken relic. She therefore returns home, knowing that it will not be long before the buccaneers will need to call upon her again.

 

Hi Galaxyspinner. I think I saw an earlier version of this synopsis, and it's gotten much better! There were still some things I was unclear about, and I marked them in the body of the synopsis. I think you should skip the details of the mermaid/market stuff. It's just too complicated. It's OK to just indicate that Destiny lured Naut into some kind of trap. If something is too complex to clarify in the synopsis, then just leave it out. Can you please look at my synopsis when you can? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...revised-post-4/



#23 TheBest

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Posted 25 January 2018 - 09:58 PM

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. Her restlessness reaches a point that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious (Vague) woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

(Really Great First Paragraph!)

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. (NICE! I'm thoroughly thoroughly hooked.) She meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted. Hobbes makes her go home for her own protection, but she hopes and prays that she'll get to return one day.

 

(Love your characters.)

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. It was these Wyrd gods who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their old masters' power to win their freedom. Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to enlist the girl's help. He instructs Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

(I'm very confused about the Kraken. Elaborate on that. Also, elaborate on dangers that you stated earlier.)

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and Hobbes takes her into his protection. (Awk) Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship. If Destiny betrays them, the Buccaneers will surely be wiped out, and the Wyrd may quickly regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. Even a visit to a mermaid market proves to be a treacherous venture; the mermaids are a curious and covetous people, as capable of dealing in traits and qualities as they are trading apples and oranges. Their market has one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Destiny witnesses the implications of this rule when a pirate from a rival ship tries to abscond with her, and he immediately dissolves into nothing as the mermaids plunder him down to his essences.

 

By the time Destiny has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to be able to grow up to be. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her? (GREAT!)

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, Destiny concocts a plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. Once he grasps it, he breaks the cardinal law of the market. He then disintegrates into nothing as everything he owns and everything he is becomes forfeit to the mermaids. (This interesting, but a little convoluted. You can definitely simplify it.)

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the two of them return home. Unfortunately, Destiny has also bonded with the Kraken relic. She therefore returns home, knowing that it will not be long before the buccaneers will need to call upon her again. (AWK. This last sentence needs rephrasing. Also, cut therefore.)

 

(This is a really top notch summary! You could make it even better by cutting down on some of the excess details, while expanding on Naut. Also, some sentences are awkward. Go through and rephrase a couple, and you'll have something special on your hands. Seafaring books are amazing BTW. Yours seems especially interesting to me. Good luck!)



#24 galaxyspinner

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 06:48 PM

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. Her restlessness reaches a point that, when she crosses paths with a mysterious woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the fun-loving CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted. Hobbes makes her go home after a brief skirmish with an undead fleet, but she hopes and prays that she'll get to return one day.

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of the Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. It was these Wyrd gods who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their old masters' power to win their freedom. Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to press the girl into his service. He instructs Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and signs on with Hobbes and his ship. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship. If Destiny betrays them, the Buccaneers will surely be wiped out, and the Wyrd may quickly regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. Even a visit to a mermaid market proves to be a treacherous venture; the mermaids are a curious and covetous people, as capable of dealing in traits and concepts as they are trading apples and oranges. Their market has one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Destiny witnesses the implications of this rule when a pirate from a rival ship tries to abscond with her, and he immediately dissolves into nothing as the mermaids plunder him down to his essences.

 

By the time Destiny has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to become. Unfortunately, the weight of the world is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, the ship is listing and the crew is on the ropes. Destiny concocts a desperate plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. He breaks the market's cardinal law by taking the relic from her and disintegrates into nothing, every aspect of his being forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the pirates get ready to send them home. However, they find that the damaged Kraken relic has reacted with Destiny's injured body, and the two have become fused. Destiny returns to the mortal realm, secure in the knowledge that it will not be long before the pirates need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#25 galaxyspinner

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 11:05 AM

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. Her restlessness reaches a point that, after an encounter with a mysterious pirate woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the whimsical CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted. Hobbes sends her home for her own safety, but she hopes and prays that she'll get to return one day.

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of the Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. It was these Wyrd gods who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their old masters' power to win their freedom. Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to press the girl into his service. He instructs Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and signs on with Hobbes and his ship. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship. If Destiny betrays them, the Buccaneers will surely be wiped out, and the Wyrd may quickly regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. Even a visit to a mermaid market proves to be a treacherous venture; the mermaids are a curious and covetous people, as capable of dealing in traits and concepts as they are trading apples and oranges. Their market has one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Destiny witnesses the implications of this rule when a pirate from a rival ship tries to abscond with her, and he immediately dissolves into nothing as the mermaids plunder him down to his essences.

 

By the time Destiny has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to become. Unfortunately, the weight of the world and his shattered fleet is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, the ship is listing and the crew is on the ropes. Destiny concocts a desperate plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. He breaks the market's cardinal law by taking the relic from her and disintegrates into nothing, every aspect of his being forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the pirates get ready to send them home. However, they find that the damaged Kraken relic has reacted with Destiny's injured body, and the two have become fused. Destiny returns to the mortal realm, secure in the knowledge that it will not be long before the pirates need to call upon her again.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#26 punitrastogi

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 01:25 PM

I loved your story then

I love your story now.

 

Let me know when you have it published.

I will definitely buy a copy, even though I know the synopsis :)

 

My only issue with this version is that it is still too long.

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her. Her restlessness reaches a point that, after an encounter with a mysterious pirate woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible. (This sounds like a hook of a query instead of a synopsis. Which is not a bad idea, if the agent/publisher has asked for only one of the two things.)

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extra-dimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the whimsical CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship - the Buccaneer, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of its gigantic squid tentacles. It all seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted (she was mentioned to be an extremely intelligent girl, but here she is shown as a lover of fantasy stories. Both can be true, but never highlighted before). But Hobbes sends her home for her own safety, but She hopes and prays that she'll get to return one day.

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of is visited(or attacked?) by a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of the Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. It was these Wyrd gods who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their old masters' power to win their freedom.

 

Naut is tasked with restoring wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to press the girl into his service. He instructs Destiny to steal something called the Kraken relic from get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; . i If she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and signs on with convinces Hobbes and his ship. Together, they to set out on a mission to defeat Naut. All the while, Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly risking never seeing her mother again. To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship (does this happen before or after Destiny joins them? The grammar would depend on it). If Destiny betrays them, the Buccaneers will surely be wiped out, and the Wyrd may quickly regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. Even a visit to a mermaid market proves to be a treacherous venture; the mermaids are a curious and covetous people, as capable of dealing in traits and concepts as they are trading apples and oranges. Their market has one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Destiny witnesses the implications of this rule when a pirate from a rival ship tries to abscond with her, and he immediately dissolves into nothing as the mermaids plunder him down to his essences.

 

By the time Destiny has the Kraken relic in hand, she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to become. Unfortunately, the weight of the world and his shattered fleet is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all, if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, the ship is listing and the crew is on the ropes. Destiny concocts a desperate plan to trap the creature. He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market. He breaks the market's cardinal law by taking the relic from her and disintegrates into nothing, every aspect of his being forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the pirates get ready to send them home. However, they find that the damaged Kraken relic has reacted and fused with Destiny's injured body, and the two have become fused. Destiny returns to the mortal realm, secure in the knowledge that it will not be long before the pirates need to call upon her again.

 

 

Hope it helps.

 

Would really appreciate if you look at my synopsis too :)



#27 cmmg

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Posted Today, 01:21 PM

Sixteen-year-old DESTINY CURRY is stifled by everything around her. She’s too smart for her teachers, too boyish for her friends, and too immature to know how to deal with a world that can’t keep up with her(after reading more this is just backstory but originally I thought this was contemporary because her problems were her friends and teachers. I think this gives the wrong impression because it's so long, but trimming it might help.). Her restlessness reaches a point that,(usually I feel like the phrasing is "her X reaches a point when" or something, I feel like this could be improved) after an encounter with a mysterious pirate woman who escapes down a toilet, she jumps right in after her without even pausing to wonder how such a feat was possible.

 

Now Destiny has passed through a portal into the Wild Blue, an extradimensional ocean full of pirates and monsters. She meets the whimsical CAPTAIN HOBBES and is given a chance to pilot his ship, a remarkable vessel that walks about on land and swims through the sea on a set of gigantic squid tentacles. It seems like everything Destiny has ever wanted. Hobbes sends her home for her own safety, but she hopes and prays that she'll get to return one day.

 

Her wish comes cruelly true when she attracts the attention of a creature called NAUT. Naut is an agent of the Kraken, one of the abominable Wyrd gods waging an endless war against the pirates of the Wild Blue. It was these Wyrd gods who first abducted humans into the Wild Blue, and the pirate fleets are the descendants of those who pilfered a portion of their old masters' power to win their freedom. Naut wants to take Kraken's power back, and he abducts Destiny's mother in order to press the girl into his service. He instructs Destiny to get close to Hobbes and his Buccaneer fleet so she can steal something called the Kraken relic from them; if she does this, she might get her mother back.

 

Destiny returns to the Wild Blue and signs on with Hobbes and his ship. Together, they set out on a mission to defeat Naut. Destiny struggles all the while with the choice of either betraying her new friends to save her mother, or trusting Captain Hobbes and possibly never seeing her mother again(this seems a little too on the nose for me. Especially because you already introduced these options even just "struggles with the choice of betraying the captain" or something short might help.). To make matters worse, a recent skirmish with the Wyrd has reduced the Buccaneer fleet to a single ship. If Destiny betrays them, the Buccaneers will surely be wiped out, and the Wyrd may quickly regain a foothold in the mortal realm.

 

Destiny’s adventures have her raiding a faerie ship, barging into the pirate council of New Atlantis, and digging for buried treasure in a volcanic island. Even a visit to a mermaid market proves to be a treacherous venture(the even here sort of implies the previous things were also dangerous but they don't come across that way, they come across as fun); the mermaids are a curious and covetous people, as capable of dealing in traits and concepts as they are trading apples and oranges. Their market has one rule: Everything can be given, but nothing can be taken. Destiny witnesses the implications of this rule when a pirate from a rival ship tries to abscond with her, and he immediately dissolves into nothing as the mermaids plunder him down to his essences.

 

By the time Destiny has the Kraken relic in hand(what Kraken relic? she was looking for a relic? Wait, it's the Kraken relic that Naut wants? I forgot she was looking for this to be honest I think there's a large gap where she's having fun and worrying just about Hobbes that the relic fades to the background), she has come to know Captain Hobbes well enough to see the kind of adult that she hopes to become. Unfortunately, the weight of the world and his shattered fleet is breaking down Hobbes’s usually free spirit, and Destiny takes it upon herself to pull him out of that funk. After all(what does this have to do with the relic? The paragraph starts with it and then it moves to Destiny trying to cheer him up? But she's not like, conflicted about the relic? I think if you cut this part out and connect the previous sentence and the following sentence to the idea of the relic, it would work well, because the next sentences is sort of implying something about her motivation for not giving the relic but that could stand to be more explicit), if there’s no hope for Hobbes, how could there be any hope for her?

 

When the final showdown with Naut comes, the ship is listing and the crew is on the ropes. Destiny concocts a desperate plan to trap the creature(What creature? Naut? There's a lot of creatures here). He attempts to take the relic from her, not realizing that she has lured him into the mermaid market (this is clever). He breaks the market's cardinal law by taking the relic from her and disintegrates into nothing, every aspect of his being forfeit to the mermaids.

 

Destiny gets her mother back and the pirates get ready to send them home. However, they find that the damaged Kraken relic has reacted with Destiny's injured body, and the two have become fused. Destiny returns to the mortal realm, secure in the knowledge that it will not be long before the pirates need to call upon her again.

 

I think there's a few little things to clear up but other than that I really liked this!


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synopsis





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