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JUPITER'S AMBITION (248 words)


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#1 jaustail

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Posted 04 August 2017 - 12:40 AM

Hi,

 

These are the first 248 words of my book.
Hope it's a smooth read.

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION

 

Doras saw through the telescope of his freeze gun. If only his engineers had made the provision for a red dot to appear where the beam would hit, it would’ve been easier to shoot the enemy. Nevertheless, he was confident he’d win. A seven-foot reptile standing on its hind legs. He wished his guards had brought two reptiles. The danger would then trigger his ice powers.

 

“Game over,” he said and pulled the trigger. A light blue beam launched from the nozzle and reached for the giant lizard, but the reptile jumped and the wall behind it froze.

 

The reptile crawled along the ceiling escaping Doras’s ice beams that left star-shaped ice patches wherever the beam struck.

 

“Stay still, you annoying zilla,” cried Doras and fired more beams, freezing more of the ceiling.

 

The zilla didn’t slow down even when it neared the wall and jumped to it. Doras looked in awe as the zilla’s head hit the wall and the animal fell to the ground. The giant lizard lay still.

 

“Sir,” came Ace’s voice into Doras’s headphone, “I wish to remind you that your freeze gun had twenty capsules in it. You’ve used thirteen already.”

 

Doras turned around and looked at the window high on the wall ahead. A glass pane separated him from the two guards who had orchestrated this fight. Doras wondered if the guards had purposely brought a weak opponent this time.

 

The zilla placed an open paw at its belly and caressed it.



#2 AB Thompson

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 05:48 PM

Hi,

 

These are the first 248 words of my book.
Hope it's a smooth read.

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION

 

Doras saw through the telescope of his freeze gun. If only his engineers had made the provision for a red dot to appear where the beam would hit, it would’ve been easier to shoot the enemy. Nevertheless, he was confident he’d win. A seven-foot reptile standing on its hind legs. He wished his guards had brought two reptiles. The danger would then trigger his ice powers.

 

“Game over,” he said and  [as he] pulled the trigger. A light blue beam launched from the nozzle and reached for the giant lizard, but the reptile jumped and the wall behind it froze.

 

The reptile crawled along the ceiling escaping Doras’s ice beams that left star-shaped ice patches wherever the beam struck.

 

“Stay still, you annoying zilla,” cried Doras and  [as he] fired more beams, freezing more of the ceiling.

 

The zilla didn’t slow down even when it neared the wall and jumped to it. Doras looked in awe as the zilla’s head hit the wall and the animal fell to the ground. The giant lizard lay still.

 

“Sir,” came Ace’s voice into Doras’s headphone, “I wish to remind you that your freeze gun had twenty capsules in it. You’ve used thirteen already.”

 

Doras turned around and looked at the window high on the wall ahead. A glass pane separated him from the two guards who had orchestrated this fight. Doras wondered if the guards had purposely brought a weak opponent this time.

 

The zilla placed an open paw at its belly and caressed it.

I made a few minor suggestions.

 

So far I adore the idea of the novel splashing immediately into action. It does leave me wondering about the context considering Dora and the zilla. 



#3 DJ McP

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 06:15 PM

JUPITER'S AMBITION

 

Doras saw through the telescope of his freeze gun. If only his engineers had made the provision for a red dot to appear where the beam would hit, it would’ve been easier to shoot the enemy. This previous sentence is a little wordy. Maybe just have him wish in his mind that he had a target scope on his gun.Nevertheless, he was confident he’d win. A seven-foot reptile standing on its hind legs. He wished his guards had brought two reptiles. The danger would then trigger his ice powers.This paragraph is fine but almost a bit too much ambiguous statements. What are ice powers for example and why would Doras have them? Maybe at this point just stick with the freeze gun.

 

“Game over,” he said and pulled the trigger. A light blue beam launched from the nozzle and reached for the giant lizard, but the reptile jumped and the wall behind it froze. The action here is good but you wanted to make it less wordy to make action more urgent for the reader. More words slow us down. Short sentences work good for action.

 

The reptile crawled along the ceiling escaping Doras’s ice beams that left star-shaped ice patches wherever the beam struck. 

 

“Stay still, you annoying zilla,” cried Doras and fired more beams, freezing more of the ceiling.

 

The zilla didn’t slow down even when it neared the wall and jumped to it. Doras looked in awe as the zilla’s head hit the wall and the animal fell to the ground. The giant lizard lay still. I'm a little unclear hear. Did Doras freeze the ceiling on purpose so the zilla would slip on it and hit its head against the wall or did the zilla do that all on accident?

 

“Sir,” came Ace’s voice into Doras’s headphone, “I wish to remind you that your freeze gun had twenty capsules in it. You’ve used thirteen already.”

 

Doras turned around and looked at the window high on the wall ahead. A glass pane separated him from the two guards who had orchestrated this fight. Doras wondered if the guards had purposely brought a weak opponent this time.

 

The zilla placed an open paw at its belly and caressed it.

 

Very nice start! Some parts are a little wordy which slows the action down. Try to have you sentence structure almost mimic and reinforce what's going on in the story. Intriguing opening!  Well done!



#4 jaustail

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 11:37 PM

Thanks a lot for the feedback. Very encouraging.



#5 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 20 August 2017 - 05:01 AM

Not much I can add beyond what DJ McP and AB Thomson said.

 

Nice!



#6 jaustail

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Posted 20 August 2017 - 05:15 AM

Thanks for this. Encouraging.



#7 kene

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Posted 31 August 2017 - 05:03 PM

This is good. I've read time and time again that agents have this thing about beginning a novel with a battle. It's along the lines of what DJ McP pointed out. "What are ice powers?" I know it's common sense. But Bobby's (Iceman in X-MEN) ice powers aren't the same style as Frozone's (African superhero best-friend of The Incredibles) ice powers. So it may rub some of them the wrong way because they see so many variations and explanations of powers/abilities, making your hard to imagine without you, the author's help. I think its a good beginning. But during your research on agents, try to find out about any instance where they may have said anything about it.



#8 jaustail

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Posted 01 September 2017 - 12:29 AM

Thanks for this. The ice power is like Bobby's from X-men. Doras can fire ice beams from his hands and freeze the target.

Thanks again for the feedback.



#9 Drift Island Specialist

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 12:00 AM

You've got a great beginning and a hook.  I like how it opens in action.  The previous comments are right though, parts are wordy.

 

 

Doras saw through the telescope of his freeze gun. If only his engineers had made the provision for a red dot to appear where the beam would hit, it would’ve been easier to shoot the enemy. Nevertheless, he was confident he’d win. A seven-foot reptile standing on its hind legs. He wished his guards had brought two reptiles. The danger would then trigger his ice powers.

 

Those last lines in the opening paragraph can be re-worded to make a little more sense.  Such as:

 

This time the enemy was a seven-foot reptile standing on its hind legs, which would trigger his ice powers.  If only the guards brought two reptiles, he would have twice the power.

 

   From what I experience in reading books is that often the opening paragraph should be a great hook. I won't edit the rest of the piece, since the previous comments before me are good and not much more can be said.  You have a great beginning of the story and I wish you the best.



#10 jaustail

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Posted 06 September 2017 - 12:14 AM

Thanks for this. It's encouraging to know the start is a good hook. Time for some editing which is so exhausting after four iterations.



#11 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 17 September 2017 - 08:40 AM

Took another look. I can't believe how much better my 1st chapter is because someone suggested changing ONE word! It caused me to rewrite the whole thing and my editor flipped. (From joy.)

Hi,

 

These are the first 248 words of my book.
Hope it's a smooth read.

 

JUPITER'S AMBITION

 

Doras saw (wouldn't 'peered through' sound better?) through the telescope of his freeze gun. If only his engineers had made the provision for a red dot to appear where the beam would hit, it would’ve been easier to shoot the enemy. Not sure it wouldn't have more impact if it said: it would’ve been easier to shoot the enemy if his engineers had made the provision for a red dot to appear where the beam would hit. Nevertheless, he was confident he’d win. A seven-foot reptile standing (stood?) on its hind legs. He wished his guards had brought two reptiles. colon? The danger would then trigger his ice powers.

 

“Game over,” he said and pulled the trigger. A light blue beam launched from the nozzle and reached for the giant lizard, but the reptile jumped and the wall behind it froze.

 

The reptile crawled along the ceiling escaping Doras’s ice beams that left star-shaped ice patches wherever the beam struck.

 

“Stay still, you annoying zilla,” cried Doras and fired more beams, freezing more of the ceiling.I think it should say - Doras cried out and fired more beams.

 

The zilla didn’t slow down even when it neared the wall and jumped to it. Doras looked in awe as the zilla’s head hit the wall and the animal fell to the ground. The giant lizard lay still.

 

“Sir,” came Ace’s voice into Doras’s headphone, “I wish to remind you that your freeze gun had twenty capsules in it. You’ve used thirteen already.”

 

Doras turned around and looked at the window high on the wall ahead. A glass pane separated him from the two guards who had orchestrated this fight. Doras wondered if the guards had purposely brought a weak opponent this time.

 

The zilla placed an open paw at its belly and caressed it.

I like it.  :smile:



#12 jaustail

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Posted 17 September 2017 - 08:49 AM

Thanks for the feedback. Made some changes now. Thanks :)






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