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A HOLE IN A TREE (upper mg)


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#1 DJ McP

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Posted 04 August 2017 - 05:43 PM

A HOLE IN A TREE

 

Chapter 1

In Which Our Heroes Learn That Trees Have Feelings, Too

 

 

A voice in the tree whispered Jacob’s name. A rock smacked the tree six inches above his head. Jacob’s twin sister threw another rock and hit the exact same spot as before.

 

“You’re creeping me out the way you’re staring at that tree,” his sister said.

 

“You heard something call my name just now, didn’t you?”

 

“That would be a big fat no.” She straightened the purple thirteen on her baseball jersey and threw another near miss, her fifty-seventh in a row since the start of that summer. “You lie as much as other people breathe.”

 

“Snooglie--” he started to say.

 

“Melody. Only dad can call me Snooglie.”

 

A strand of strawberry blonde hair slipped from Melody’s ponytail. Her curveball hit the tree right in the strike zone. The tree’s old branches swayed towards their house. Their mom had already called someone to cut it down next week. Jacob searched his hand for a blank spot then wrote a ghost in a tree right below his thumb. Dozens of other story ideas colored his hand like tattoos.

 

The tree creaked and groaned. Not a single leaf had bloomed, and it was already midsummer.  

 

“Give me a chance to tell a story about dad before grandma gets here,” Jacob asked.

 

His sister kicked her leg high the way her hero Satchel Paige did and unleashed her fastball. Another blistering strike.

 

“Mom said you should let dad rest in peace already,” she said. 

 

 

Thanks for helping!  I will happily return the favor of critiquing.



#2 jaustail

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Posted 05 August 2017 - 06:50 AM

JMO:

 

 

Chapter 1

In Which Our Heroes Learn That Trees Have Feelings,(not sure you need this comma) Too

 

 

A voice in the tree whispered Jacob’s name. A rock smacked the tree six inches above his head. Jacob’s twin sister threw another rock and hit the exact same spot as before.

 

“You’re creeping me out the way you’re staring at that tree,” his sister(mention the name since Jacob would know her name) said.

 

“You heard something(someone) call my name just now, didn’t you?”

 

“That would be a big fat no.” She straightened the purple thirteen on her baseball jersey and threw another near miss(i don't think the earlier hit was a near miss. she hit the same spot as before), her fifty-seventh in a row since the start of that summer. “You lie as much as other people breathe.”

 

“Snooglie--” he started to say.

 

“Melody(maybe put this in italics. Melody). Only dad can call me Snooglie.”

 

A strand of strawberry blonde hair slipped from Melody’s ponytail. Her curveball hit the tree right in the strike zone. The tree’s old branches swayed towards their house. Their mom had already called someone to cut it down next week. Jacob searched his hand for a blank spot then wrote a ghost in a tree right below his thumb(not sure there'd be so much space below thumb to write 'a ghost in a tree'). Dozens of other story ideas colored his hand like tattoos.

 

The tree creaked and groaned. Not a single leaf had bloomed, and it was already midsummer.  

 

“Give me a chance to tell a story about dad before grandma gets here,” Jacob asked.

 

His sister kicked her leg high the way her hero Satchel Paige did and unleashed her fastball. Another blistering strike.

 

“Mom said you should let dad rest in peace already,” she said.

 

Very polished work. My first 250 words are also in this forum. So maybe if you could give it a look.

JUPITER'S AMBITION



#3 AB Thompson

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Posted 09 August 2017 - 03:55 AM

A HOLE IN A TREE

 

Chapter 1

In Which Our Heroes Learn That Trees Have Feelings, Too

 

 

A voice in the tree whispered Jacob’s name. A rock smacked the tree six inches above his head. Jacob’s twin sister threw another rock and hit the exact same spot as before.

 

“You’re creeping me out the way you’re staring at that tree,” his sister said.

 

“You heard something call my name just now, didn’t you?”

 

“That would be a big fat no.” She straightened the purple thirteen on her baseball jersey and threw another near miss, her fifty-seventh in a row since the start of that summer. “You lie as much as other people breathe.”

 

“Snooglie--” he started to say.

 

Melody. [WOULD put Melody in italics] Only dad can call me Snooglie.”

 

A strand of strawberry blonde hair slipped from Melody’s ponytail. Her curve-ball hit the tree right in the strike zone. The tree’s old branches swayed towards their house. Their mom had already called someone to cut it down next week. Jacob searched his hand for a blank spot then wrote a ghost in a tree right below his thumb.[Maybe better to write this on his forearm?] Dozens of other story ideas colored his hand like tattoos.

 

The tree creaked and groaned. [Creaks and groans shuddered from the tree.] Not a single leaf had bloomed, and it was already midsummer.  

 

“Give me a chance to tell a story about dad before grandma gets here,” Jacob asked.

 

His sister kicked her leg high the way her hero Satchel Paige did and unleashed her fastball. Another blistering strike.

 

“Mom said you should let dad rest in peace already,” she said. 

 

 

Thanks for helping!  I will happily return the favor of critiquing.

 

I adore what I've read so far. Along with seeing the relationship between the brother and sister,



#4 DJ McP

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 10:48 AM

Thanks for the comments. Very helpful!






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