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Connecting With Infinity


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#1 AB Thompson

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 05:42 PM

My toes froze silently in the blackness of eternity. White tendrils of thought, like snaking lashes of burning light, fluttered through the abyssal sea of darkness as living paint splatter. I felt no sense of weight or center—a floating bag of breath cut from the nails of time or place. As I paddled my legs, swimming to nowhere, my brain was licked by a soothing polyphony of voices. Ideas, memories, debates, tragedies, jolted like boiled lightning as multi-colored pinpoints of soul searing light slit about me.

            This is pink on infinity.



#2 jaustail

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 11:53 PM

JMO:

 

I found this very literary and a bit difficult to understand.

 

My toes froze silently(i guess freezing would always be silent. maybe use 'slowly') in the blackness of eternity. White tendrils of thought, like snaking lashes of burning light, fluttered through the abyssal sea of darkness as living paint splatter. I felt no sense of weight or center(this line was simple and easy to understand. but remaining was hard to follow)—a floating bag of breath cut from the nails of time or place. As I paddled my legs, swimming to nowhere, my brain was licked by a soothing polyphony of voices. Ideas, memories, debates, tragedies, jolted like boiled lightning as multi-colored pinpoints of soul searing light slit about me.

            This is pink on infinity.



#3 AB Thompson

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Posted 09 August 2017 - 07:58 AM

So for context, one of my characters has plunged into virtual reality.

 

I would like for his experience to seem disjointed & alien.



#4 jaustail

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Posted 09 August 2017 - 09:12 AM

Okie. But here:

 

White tendrils of thought, like snaking lashes of burning light, fluttered through the abyssal sea of darkness as living paint splatter.

 

You're already comparing thought to wild tendrils so maybe don't compare that to snaking lashes of light as well. That requires too much effort on the reader's mind to think.

 

JMO






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