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Sacrifice of Female


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#1 AB Thompson

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 05:51 PM

“Her favorite music— Chlapowska’s Symphony. Her favorite author—Jasily Balerkova. Boya Norlwerva, a young—brave woman not even twenty, held dreams of rebuilding her home, of sipping from sour cherry kompot with her grandmother, of one day raising a proud Taaj family—they were cut short by the Cursed Horde. She was very brave, very strong—to the end. Even as they tied a noose about her neck—punishment for her bravery, her sacrifice for our nation, our people—she remained determined, shouting, ‘Farewell, my kin. Etro bless you all. Fight! Do not be afraid! The Archon is with us! She will come!’.”

-       Archon Yucki Iota, on the Sacrifice of Female 



#2 DJ McP

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 06:09 PM

I like what you are doing here. My main question is that since it ends with the name of Archon Yucki Iota On the Sacrifice of the Female, it almost feels as if it were a quote from the work by Archon.  If that's the effect you were going for, then well done! I like the details within your paragraph which are very specific though unfamiliar to me. For example mentioning cherry kompot (sour a that) makes me kind of understand what that is even though I've never heard of it before. This makes me wonder if what comes next will be about the person who was just executed or the story of the Archon. I'm betting on the story of the Archon though they would both be interesting.

 

Very intriguing opening.  If you would like to take a look at my first words, I'd really appreciate it. Good luck!

 

A Hole in a Tree (first 250)



#3 jaustail

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Posted 08 August 2017 - 11:44 PM

Maybe here:

brave woman not even twenty

 

You can change to: brave woman, three years/months away from turning twenty.

 

This gives a clearer idea of her age.



#4 AB Thompson

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Posted 09 August 2017 - 07:55 AM

Thank you for the suggestions.

 

For context-- The Archon is the leader of a nation known as Taa-Ju. She participated in a war against a nation known as the Sum of Commons, led by a warlord known as Mad Mammoth. This was a world war with many different nations involved, but essentially The Archon and Mammoth were the leaders of their alliances. Known as the Winter War, this is the background history to my story, which takes place a few generations after the conclusion of the war. 

 

This is speculative fiction but inspired by historical realities. In WW2 the Soviet Union mobilized around a million women to fight on the front lines. Unfortunately, many of them suffered, were tortured, or died as horrifically as the men in addition to facing sexism. Mad Mammoth is inspired by Ivan the Terrible, a very cruel Tsar, even for the standards of his time, of Russia who went mad with syphilis (most likely). 



#5 Springfield

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Posted 13 August 2017 - 12:26 AM

“Her favorite music— Chlapowska’s Symphony. Her favorite author—Jasily Balerkova. Boya Norlwerva, a young—brave What's with the ital? woman not even twenty, held dreams of rebuilding her home, of sipping from sour cherry kompot w ith her grandmother, of one day raising a proud Really; it's very oddTaaj family—they were cut short by the Cursed Horde. What? In the future? This is so disjointed. She was very brave, So you said; details would be better. very strong—to the end. Even as they tied a noose about her neck—punishment for her bravery, oy. her sacrifice for our nation, our people—she remained determined, shouting, ‘Farewell, my kin. Etro bless you all. Fight! Do not be afraid! The Archon is with us! She will come!’.”

-       Archon Yucki Iota, on the Sacrifice of Female 

 

 

There's kind of no there there. This doesn't really say anything --- it's like a caricature, not talking about a person. There's no character to grab on to. It's also very scattered, without any clear function or details, though I admit I'm not sure what the point of it is.






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