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Arendil: The eagle's egg, Fantasy

fantasy Arendil archeic

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#1 ruinerwarrior

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Posted 14 August 2017 - 06:34 AM

Here a piece of my first story.

 

It's about a meeting between a wolf and the main character who is hurt and passed out, when fleeing from the wolves.

But the wolves mean no harm and have the feeling they must help him.

 

I want to make the wolf as it is a animal of old. being wise and using old language.

 

Now is English not my foreign language and was curious of your opinions.

if you have better archeic words to describe something let me know!

 

Wake up, descendant of Araël.
Wake up, thy Peacebringer.

I will not hurt you as I would not hurt the race of green. Wouldn't it be unwise to destroy those we need?
Those who give us air to fill our longs? Those who feed on whom whe feed?
No I won't harm you as I sense you are the one I need.
No I won't harm you as I sense you are the one Aërtes needs.

I feel you have a touch of destiny over you. 
Who am I to question destiny? No, wake up and I will fare with you, towards your destiny. As it will concern all.



#2 anah+theshadowaccomplice

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Posted 14 August 2017 - 01:18 PM

Here a piece of my first story.

 

It's about a meeting between a wolf and the main character who is hurt and passed out, when fleeing from the wolves.

But the wolves mean no harm and have the feeling they must help him.

 

I want to make the wolf as it is a animal of old. being wise and using old language.

 

Now is English not my foreign language and was curious of your opinions.

if you have better archeic words to describe something let me know!

 

Wake up, descendant of Araël.
Wake up, thy Thy means "your", is this what you are going for? If not, and you want to keep the rhythm, perhaps try "o  Peacebringer" Thee and thou also mean "you" Peacebringer.

I will not hurt you as I would not hurt the race of green. Wouldn't it be unwise to destroy those we need? Absolutely! Love this line :)
Those who give us air to fill our longs I assume this is meant to be "lungs", but it could also be cool if it were "longings"? Those who feed on whom whe feed?
No I think a comma is needed after all these "No"s I won't harm you as I sense you are the one I need.
No I won't harm you as I sense you are the one Aërtes needs.

I feel you have a touch of destiny over you. 
Who am I to question destiny? No, wake up and I will fare with you, towards your destiny. As it will concern all.

This is actually really interesting sounding to me. I kind of like the rhythm of it. It's musical. I put in a few notes, but really, I quite liked it :)


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#3 ruinerwarrior

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Posted 14 August 2017 - 02:43 PM

Thank you so much! it is really great to hear someone likes this. Also thank you very much for the feedback. tomorrow will set the new version on here.

this is a part of the story I love writing as it gives some real interresting interaction with the wolf and the main player. 



#4 ruinerwarrior

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 06:01 AM

Here the new version.
I haven't changed the lungs to longings because he has it over oxygen, because the race of green are the plants and tree's. And longings, meaning desires doesn't quite fit in I gues

Wake up, descendant of Araël.
Wake up, o Peacebringer.

I will not hurt you as I would not hurt the race of green. Wouldn't it be unwise to destroy those we need?
Those who give us air to fill our lungs? Those who feed on whom we feed?
No, I won't harm you as I sense you are the one I need.
No, I won't harm you as I sense you are the one Aërtes needs.

I feel you have a touch of destiny over you.
Who am I to question destiny? No, wake up and I will fare with you, towards your destiny. As it will concern all.





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