It def reads a lot smoother now and I could get the whole picture from the QL, so great job. I think you retained a large amount of your style, even after cutting down a lot of excess meat. As I said last time: feel free to make the query just a little longer than it is now, after all, you have a very long novel, so it shouldn't really put off your target agents to see that your letter is longer than 2 tweets...
After his father’s death, Quinlan Crow VI inherited a title, magic, and a war. Generations of Crows have kept the creatures of Nightmare at bay at the cost of their lives. Quinlan takes up the mantle to delay the inevitable one more generation.
But his prospects look dismal at best. Not only must he ensure there is another generation to take the fight should he fail, the Nightmare creatures have become desperate to claim his world This phrasing kind of implies that the nightmares have been reluctant to win and I'm sure there's some sort of a motivational shift in their ranks but I don't think it's a very good way of expressing it. you might just want to go ahead and introduce the idea that so far they've been losing their battles but they came up with a plan that will completely change the landscape of this war. Hoping to leave no survivors, they declare a new king – a monster with no morality, the cunning of a human the word "monster" could be a human and I remember from before that it's an actual monster but this feels weird this way. you should either add mythical before the word monster and/or you should remove/replace the word human, and control over the most dangerous being ever to breathe this sounds vague and not useful at all. it's not unclear what you mean here but I think you could have much more out of "in this world". or you might reconsider briefly reintroducing this nightmarish creature. His attacks are organized and devastating either elaborate (you have space for that) or reword in a fashion similar to this: "He attacks Quinlan and overpowers him with his organized and stronger army" (obviously you should do it with style, don't actually use this phrasing), driving Quinlan to the brink of exhaustion and cutting the town off from all outside help. I think you could explain it by saying they have the town under siege and surrounded or something like that. it could serve as a good culmination in their conflict
By the time a plague of invisible rats devour
s the town’s grain store, as well as a number of its citizens this here is not very organic. either think of a way to introduce the rats, since they seem to be very important to you, or just do away with them (maybe note this issue like "Adding to Quinlan's long list of problems, the town's overrun by so and so), Quinlan’s relative impotence it's not very clear for me what you mean by this becomes clear. For the first time in generations, the townsfolk begin to doubt and detest Quinlan for all his failures this is really great. I'd only change that they don't detest Quinlan for the first time in generations, as that suggests he's been the ruler for all those generations. you could put it like "Quinlan is the first Crow in generations, who the townsfolk have lost their trust in" (again, it's awkward wording but I'm sure you get the idea)--none so much as Quinlan himself is this adding any information? I'm not completely sure what you mean by it but it doesn't seem to be important. you could probably cut it.. For years, the Crows have been the only ones who can could (?) keep nightmares truly at bay ,. and Quinlan suspects he could be the last I get what you're trying to say here but you could probably find a more powerful way of expressing the same idea. "Quinlan is fighting an uphill battle. The nightmares' new offensive is overwhelming and he needs to find some sort of a mcguffin to upset the odds" (again, just the idea, quotation marks are used liberally).
A far more passionate and realistic portrayal than previous essays published by such historians as Linen Torrel, KILLING CROW (120,000 words) intertwines elements of the supernatural and fairytale.
Thank you very much for your consideration,
I don't think you're missing stakes. It's clearly impossible to have higher ones: everyone's life seems to be in danger. What you might want to consider is somehow bringing in the thing that will help them win, or at least something that gives them a chance at winning or some kind of way of action they can take. Your stakes fall flat because they simply appear as an inevitable tragic end. You have to show that the protagonist has some kind of agency in this story and isn't just the weakling that brings upon himself the end of his bloodline by failing at literally every task he's put to--even if he actually loses on every front in the story.
I'm convinced you're on the right track and it shows that you know what you're doing. I'm positive you will get there pretty soon. Just be confident because the way you write has some very unique gravitas and you should build on that.