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PSYCHS-The Hunt for Plas(YA,SCI FI,FANTASY,ROMANCE) -250 word excert from chapter 3

YA SCIENCE FICTION FANTASY ROMANCE

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#1 Qnique Sincere

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Posted 15 August 2017 - 06:42 PM

"Lei you're thinking too hard.  What I meant is one day I won’t be around and it will be up to y’all to take care of each other. I want you to understand that Kara and Keefe are not yet mentally stable enough to survive out there.  It will be up to you to look after them.  Lead them in the right direction.  You must keep the family in order.”  

“I understand but what I don't understand is why we have these powers.  I mean why us?  What's so special about us?  Why have them if we aren't allowed to use them?  I'm confused, did we get them from our parents?  It's just a bunch of questions that I don't have the answers to.  It bothers me',' Lei said in a sincere voice.

“I don't know why we can do the things we can.  I always thought we were here for a higher purpose than others.  And I honestly don't know about your parents.  Maybe they were Psychs and passed the genes down from them to you.  What I do know is that I've raised you since you all were small.  I've seen y'all grow from stubborn kids to responsible young adults.  Everyone's here for reason.  Everyone's path is already laid out.  It just hasn't been walked yet.  Be careful what you wish for.  The excitement that you three ask for may not be wanted when you receive it,” Masi explained.



#2 agriba

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Posted 15 August 2017 - 10:21 PM

Bad news, maybe good news sort of opinion here.

 

It seems like some bland teen melodrama with the standard YA supernatural hook thrown in.  Take your middle paragraph for example.  Why us, why me, why them: why, why, why, why.  Teens are whiny, that is true.  And these sorts of questions are often addressed in YA novels to some extent.  However,  there is a difference between touching on themes, and creating a grocery list of annoying tropes to cram into the smallest amount of space possible.

 

Let's break it down by paragraph.  1: Look after your younger siblings (or whoever it is), you are the leader now  2: Why?  3:  'You are SPECIAL', joined by what amounts to flimsy exposition masquerading as insightful dialogue.  Even with a young audience, this just feels weak.

 

The good news?  Tropes are there for a reason.  I've read stories that are nothing but tropes, but they are done so well that I can't help but think: "oh, that's why these ideas are popular in the first place."  At the end of the day it's all about presentation.  

 

It may be that your first two chapters are super strong and you've bought enough good will to earn this.  If this is just an extremely weak passage you are working on, then it is okay.   If this is the tone and feel of the entire work. . .  then you need to rebuild it from the ground up.  

 

I would leave you with this closing thought: whiny characters aren't inherently bad with enough character building supporting them.  Exposition is often needed.  Common place ideas are present in any book.  But when you mix them all together and condense them into a 250 word snippet, it's the difference between a pric to the finger and a punch to the face.  I can tolerate one but not the other.



#3 Qnique Sincere

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 02:24 PM

Hey thanks a lot for the time and input. I'm very grateful for this. Yes, my novel is centered around the teen, young adult direction but its so much more layered than you think. I'm here to get critiqued so I'm guess I'm bias when I say I think the first two chapters are pretty strong but who am I. I'm new at this. I think its challenging trying to convince the world that this isn't just another teenage plot. soooo much drama when your building a plot around teenage characters its a fine line bwt interesting and boring.



#4 agriba

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 04:52 PM

I would encourage you to visit the Wanted Ads section of the site if you want some more thorough in depth feedback.



#5 jaustail

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 01:36 AM

"Lei(comma) you're thinking too hard.  What I meant is one day I won’t be around and it will be up to y’all to take care of each other. I want you to understand that Kara and Keefe are not yet mentally stable enough to survive out there.  It will be up to you to look after them.  Lead them in the right direction.  You must keep the family in order.”  

“I understand but what I don't understand is why we have these powers.  I mean why us?  What's so special about us?  Why have them if we aren't allowed to use them?  I'm confused, did we get them from our parents?  It's just a bunch of questions that I don't have the answers to.  It bothers me','(replace ',' with ," ) Lei said in a sincere voice.

“I don't know why we can do the things we can.  I always thought we were here for a higher purpose than others.  And I honestly don't know about your parents.  Maybe they were Psychs and passed the genes down from them to you.  What I do know is that I've raised you since you all were small.  I've seen y'all grow from stubborn kids to responsible young adults.  Everyone's here for reason.  Everyone's path is already laid out.  It just hasn't been walked yet.  Be careful what you wish for.  The excitement that you three ask for may not be wanted when you receive it,” Masi explained.

 

 

I know this is too small to give a strong feedback, but it felt like talking heads. Maybe intersperse the dialogue with small actions.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: YA, SCIENCE FICTION, FANTASY, ROMANCE

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