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Broken Marvels

Science Fiction Mystery

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#1 yumaseven

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 01:33 PM

​Updated query on post #17.

 

 

First time user. I would love some constructive criticism on how this plays. Thanks in advance.

 

 

Dear Agent

When his assignment to develop the world's most powerful decryption program began 8 years ago, Foster Evers never once thought the solution would draw his attention towards the stars.

But when a message from the deep space falls into his lap, this brilliant yet myopic scientist cannot help but repurpose his highly classified program and half of the government’s computer infrastructure into a tool to crack the mysterious signal.

Then, on the eve of the answer, NSA director Edgar Fitz Hume decides that Foster’s flights of fancy have gone on long enough. He sees his friend’s musings on extra-terrestrial life as an unfortunate side effect of his genius. He decides that the creator of the most valuable spy tool ever designed should not be roaming the halls of Langley talking about little green men. 

The director’s solution: Lock Foster away for the good of himself and the country.

And so he remained until a mysterious event occurs outside of Elmira NY. An event impossible to explain, but somehow shares an ominous connection to those so-called aliens from 8 years prior.

Now, forced to work alongside a gun-slinging justice-bringing FBI agent and her partner who is really getting to old for this kind of thing, Foster will seek out the final piece of this puzzle armed with a few high-tech gadgets of his own design and not so broken Blackberry. All the while avoiding vicious killers, partners who don’t trust him and a shadowy group of people who may not be of this world.

The journey awaiting Foster and his companions will span the gulf between the woods outside Elmira to the edge of a black hole and beyond. And in the end, they just might discover the answer to a question that presents itself every time humanity stares up into the starry night sky.

What is our place in this great big universe?

 

Broken Marvels is a science fiction adventure/mystery novel. The story mainly stands alone but it is the beginning of a trilogy.  



#2 Springfield

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 02:17 PM

First time user. I would love some constructive criticism on how this plays. Thanks in advance.

 

 

Dear Agent

When his assignment to develop the world's most powerful decryption program began 8 years ago, Foster Evers never once thought the solution would draw his attention towards the stars.

But when a message from the deep space falls Tense  into his lap, this brilliant yet myopic scientist cannot help but repurpose his highly classified program and half of the government’s computer infrastructure into a tool to crack the mysterious signal.

Then, on the eve of the answer, NSA director Edgar Fitz Hume decides that Foster’s flights of fancy have gone on long enough. Wait, the government isn't part of this? I'm confused. He sees his friend’s musings on extra-terrestrial life as an unfortunate side effect of his genius. He decides that the creator of the most valuable spy tool ever designed should not be roaming the halls of Langley talking about little green men. 

The director’s solution: Lock Foster away for the good of himself and the country. 

And so he remained Tense until a mysterious event occurs Tense, geez and heck. outside of Elmira NY. An event impossible to explain, but somehow shares an ominous connection to those so-called aliens from 8 years prior. This is not a sentence.

Now, forced to work alongside a gun-slinging justice-bringing FBI agent and her partner who is really getting to old for this kind of thing, Foster will seek out the final piece of this puzzle armed with a few high-tech gadgets of his own design and not so broken Blackberry. All the while avoiding vicious killers, partners who don’t trust him and a shadowy group of people who may not be of this world.

The journey awaiting Foster and his companions will span the gulf between the woods outside Elmira to the edge of a black hole and beyond. And in the end, they just might discover the answer to a question that presents itself every time humanity stares up into the starry night sky.

What is our place in this great big universe?

 

Broken Marvels is a science fiction adventure/mystery novel. The story mainly Mainly? stands alone but it is the beginning of a trilogy.  

 

I'm super confused by the basic plot here, as it seems to make no sense as it's presented. 

 

In additon, there are no stakes and no problem really -- you kind of gloss over the whole kidnapped and imprisoned for eight years thing so I'm presuming that's backstory, but dunno. Dunno what the hell FBI agents have to do with this, or where the rest of the world is, or, again, his problem or the stakes. 

 

Also ... mainly? There's no wordcount either, which makes me suspicious, heh.



#3 yumaseven

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 02:30 PM

Yeah. I'm in the middle of deciding whether of not to break the book up into two different sections. It's possible, but as written its the story I've envisioned.

 

As for this query, it was simply an off shoot of the one I've been tinkering with. I was just afraid it was a little stale.

 

Thank you for the tips. Here was my original pitch.

 

 

Eight years ago, a brilliant yet myopic scientist discovered something while working on a secret government project that could completely change our perception of the world. His reward? A one-way ticket to a psychiatric hospital courtesy of that very same government.

 

Until… a mysterious event occurs outside of Elmira, NY that no one could have possibly foreseen.

 

But someone did see it coming… Foster Evers.

 

Highly trained and driven, Justine Rushing is an FBI agent with an infamous reputation for getting into trouble. So, when she and her soon to be retired partner are unexpectedly dispatched on a mission to retrieve a low-level prisoner from a cage in southern Pennsylvania. She can’t help but wonder if NSA Sub Director Edgar Fitz Hume is punishing her.

 

He’s not. Because what Justine does not know is that that best researchers in the world are failing at every turn to explain the event. And the only person who can help is Foster. There’s just one problem. Eight years ago, Fitz Hume put him in that cage.

 

And Foster knows it.

 

Guilt ridden and desperate for answers, the sub director reluctantly green lights a cobbled together team of scientists and field operatives with one mission:  Keep a careful watch over Foster while helping him solve the disturbing mysteries engulfing the small town.

 

Now, armed with a few high-tech gadgets of his own design and a broken Blackberry that isn’t quite broken, Foster must contend with vicious killers, partners who don’t trust him and a clandestine group of people who may not be of this world.

 

The journey awaiting Foster and Justine will span the gulf between the woods outside of Elmira to the edge of a black hole and beyond. When its over, nothing will ever be the same.

 [cl1]Highly trained?



#4 Springfield

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 02:35 PM

 

Yeah. I'm in the middle of deciding whether of not to break the book up into two different sections. It's possible, but as written its the story I've envisioned.

 

As for this query, it was simply an off shoot of the one I've been tinkering with. I was just afraid it was a little stale.

 

Thank you for the tips. Here was my original pitch.

 

 

Eight years ago, a brilliant yet myopic scientist discovered something while working on a secret government project that could completely change our perception of the world. His reward? A one-way ticket to a psychiatric hospital courtesy of that very same government.

 

Until… a mysterious event occurs outside of Elmira, NY that no one could have possibly foreseen.

 

But someone did see it coming… Foster Evers.

 

Highly trained and driven, Justine Rushing is an FBI agent with an infamous reputation for getting into trouble. So, when she and her soon to be retired partner are unexpectedly dispatched on a mission to retrieve a low-level prisoner from a cage in southern Pennsylvania. She can’t help but wonder if NSA Sub Director Edgar Fitz Hume is punishing her.

 

He’s not. Because what Justine does not know is that that best researchers in the world are failing at every turn to explain the event. And the only person who can help is Foster. There’s just one problem. Eight years ago, Fitz Hume put him in that cage.

 

And Foster knows it.

 

Guilt ridden and desperate for answers, the sub director reluctantly green lights a cobbled together team of scientists and field operatives with one mission:  Keep a careful watch over Foster while helping him solve the disturbing mysteries engulfing the small town.

 

Now, armed with a few high-tech gadgets of his own design and a broken Blackberry that isn’t quite broken, Foster must contend with vicious killers, partners who don’t trust him and a clandestine group of people who may not be of this world.

 

The journey awaiting Foster and Justine will span the gulf between the woods outside of Elmira to the edge of a black hole and beyond. When its over, nothing will ever be the same.

 [cl1]Highly trained?

 

 

This isn't better -- it's got less information. 



#5 yumaseven

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 02:42 PM

Thanks. I really appreciate the honest criticism. I'll work on tweaking the first pitch with more focus on plot explanation.



#6 kene

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 04:40 PM

Hi, Yumaseven

First time user. I would love some constructive criticism on how this plays. Thanks in advance.

 

 

Dear Agent

When his assignment to develop the world's most powerful decryption program began 8 years ago, Foster Evers never once thought the solution would draw his attention towards the stars.

But when a message from the deep space falls into his lap, this brilliant yet myopic scientist cannot help but repurpose his highly classified program and half of the government’s computer infrastructure into a tool to crack the mysterious signal.

Then, on the eve of the answer, NSA director Edgar Fitz Hume decides that Foster’s flights of fancy have gone on long enough. He sees his friend’s musings on extra-terrestrial life as an unfortunate side effect of his genius. He decides that the creator of the most valuable spy tool ever designed should not be roaming the halls of Langley talking about little green men. 

The director’s solution: Lock Foster away for the good of himself and the country.Isn't he his friend? I thought he was.

And so he remained until a mysterious event occurs outside of Elmira NY. An event impossible to explain, but somehow shares an ominous connection to those so-called aliens from 8 years prior.The structure of this sentence is strange. 

Now, forced to work alongside a gun-slinging justice-bringing FBI agent and her partner who is really getting to old for this kind of thing, Foster will seek out the final piece of this puzzle armed with a few high-tech gadgets of his own design and not so broken Blackberry. All the while avoiding vicious killers, partners who don’t trust him and a shadowy group of people who may not be of this world.

The journey awaiting Foster and his companions will span the gulf between the woods outside Elmira to the edge of a black hole and beyond. And in the end, they just might discover the answer to a question that presents itself every time humanity stares up into the starry night sky.

What is our place in this great big universe?

 

Broken Marvels is a science fiction adventure/mystery novel. The story mainly stands alone but it is the beginning of a trilogy.  

The query contains a lot of fluff: Eg, the blackberry, "a partner who is getting too old for this kind of stuff", etc. Clean it up and give only information which is relevant to the general plot. Also, no word count.

Good Luck!



#7 yumaseven

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 05:05 PM

Thanks. I am working on a new draft now. I appreciate everyone's feedback.



#8 yumaseven

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 08:15 PM

Thanks beforehand. I appreciate all the insight. I will return in kind.

 

Updated Query:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Foster Evers has been languishing in a maximum security psychiatric hospital because he created a computer program capable of cracking any kind of encryption. Well… he also might have told everyone at the NSA a signal from outer space contained the exact day the world was going to end.

 

Either way, it wasn’t until he threatened to go public with his research that his fate was sealed.   

 

Then today happened.

 

In upstate New York, a park ranger observes a pulsing white light momentarily explode in the distance before vanishing completely. Curious, he moves in for a closer look. Only to freeze in horror as he comes across dozens of dead animals.

 

At the same time, a bank of ancient computers nestled deep inside a top-secret NSA listening post whir to life and begin to record the same event. Confused by their findings, the technicians on duty remember a curious email had recently gone division wide. It read: REPORT ANY UNUSUAL FINDINGS THAT HAPPEN ON SATURDAY IMMEDIATELY TO THE DIRECTOR.

 

Minutes later, that same director awakes to a phone call. On the other end, a confused voice rapidly reports that an anomaly has been recorded near Elmira NY that defies all logical explanation. Dreading this call for the last eight years, the director screams “Foster” so loudly it wakes up his wife.

 

Seemingly vindicated, Foster soon finds himself free from prison and given explicit instructions to quietly investigate the strange events taking place in Elmira.

 

Once there, a resentful Foster must find a way to temper the antics of an adrenaline-fueled FBI agent and a wise cracking artificial intelligence. While trying his best to fend off a vicious killer, a paranoid medical examiner, and a shadowy group of people who may not be of this world.

 

 

Broken Marvels (125,000 words) is a science fiction adventure/mystery.



#9 Springfield

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 08:51 PM

Thanks beforehand. I appreciate all the insight. I will return in kind.

 

Updated Query:

 

Dear Agent,

 

Foster Evers has been languishing in a maximum security psychiatric hospital because he created a computer program capable of cracking any kind of encryption. Well… he also might have told everyone at the NSA a signal from outer space contained the exact day the world was going to end. I like this, though I think you can tighten it up and combine it for much better impact.

 

Either way, it wasn’t until he threatened to go public with his research that his fate was sealed.   

 

Then today happened.

 

In upstate New York, a park ranger observes a pulsing white light momentarily explode in the distance before vanishing completely. Curious, he moves in for a closer look. Only to freeze in horror as he comes across dozens of dead animals.

 

At the same time, a bank of ancient computers nestled deep inside a top-secret NSA listening post whir to life and begin to record the same event. Confused by their findings, the technicians on duty remember a curious email had recently gone division wide. It read: REPORT ANY UNUSUAL FINDINGS THAT HAPPEN ON SATURDAY IMMEDIATELY TO THE DIRECTOR.

 

Minutes later, that same director awakes to a phone call. On the other end, a confused voice rapidly reports that an anomaly has been recorded near Elmira NY that defies all logical explanation. Dreading this call for the last eight years, the director screams “Foster” so loudly it wakes up his wife.

 

None of that, until the end, has anything to do with your MC, and it reads like a blurb tease that's trying way too hard not to say 'he was right.'

 

Seemingly vindicated, Foster soon finds himself free from prison and given explicit instructions to quietly investigate the strange events taking place in Elmira.

 

Once there, a resentful Foster must find a way to temper the antics of an adrenaline-fueled FBI agent and a wise cracking artificial intelligence. While trying his best to fend off a vicious killer, a paranoid medical examiner, and a shadowy group of people who may not be of this world.

 

Again, no problem, no stakes. 

Broken Marvels (125,000 words) is a science fiction adventure/mystery. That's long -- and the query suggests why, heh. 



#10 yumaseven

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 09:18 PM

Ok. Wrong direction. Duly noted.

#11 yumaseven

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Posted 20 August 2017 - 06:42 PM

Writing a query is hard.

 

Dear Agent,

Why is an eccentric genius like Foster locked away in a psychiatric prison in PA? Because he discovered a signal from outer space. Then, he ignored the head of the NSA by obsessively pursuing the signal’s meaning. But, it wasn’t until he began screaming “Little Green Men” that national security was ever brought up.

Years later, the signal occurs again. Only this time, the problem isn’t theoretical. People are dying. And with time slipping away, Foster’s intimate knowledge suddenly makes him invaluable.

Desperate for answers, the person who placed him in prison dispatches Justine. Shoot first and ask question later, the FBI agent and her partner’s orders are very clear: keep an eye on Foster, discover the truth behind the signal, and stop anyone else from dying.

During their investigation, Justine and Foster butt heads constantly. Each confronting the same problem but with very different goals. Foster looking for the cause. While Justine simply wants to save people.

Along the way, others join the team for assorted reasons. Each with their own special set of skills. Each shedding light on how immense their problem really is.

But everything changes when an unassuming deputy comes forward. A person whose confessions lead them beyond the stratosphere to explore fantastical ideas like beaming technology, rickety spaceships, and alien arbiters.

More surprising: The deputy claims the earth is nothing more than a prison. One so remote, that only the worst criminals in the universe are sent there.

Satisfied, Foster takes his answers and resigns himself to move on. To look past the years in prison toward a life before the signal. However, Justine’s unrelenting need to protect the innocent proves too much for him to ignore. Eventually, he’s swept away by her conviction on a journey to save the planet from an invasion no one knew was happening.

Broken Marvels (125,000 words) is a science fiction adventure/mystery.

 

Thanks. Leave your link and I will reciprocate.



#12 Dharshaini

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Posted 21 August 2017 - 09:47 AM

Writing a query is hard. Haha writing the book was the easy part. 

 

Dear Agent,

Why is an eccentric genius like Foster locked away in a psychiatric prison in PA? I've read before that some agents don't like starting with rhetorical questions so I would reword this Because he discovered a signal from outer space. Then, he ignored the head of the NSA This is going to show my complete ignorance, but I have no idea what NSA lol. Maybe put in the full name? by obsessively pursuing the signal’s meaning. But, it wasn’t until he began screaming “Little Green Men” that national security was ever brought up.

Years later, the signal occurs again. Only this time, the problem isn’t theoretical. People are dying. And with time slipping away I'd like to know more about why there is a countdown. What do people suspect is going to happen?, Foster’s intimate knowledge suddenly makes him invaluable.

Desperate for answers, the person who placed him in prison dispatches Justine. Shoot first and ask question later, the FBI agent and her partner’s orders are very clear: keep an eye on Foster, discover the truth behind the signal, and stop anyone else from dying.

During their investigation, Justine and Foster butt heads constantly. Each confronting the same problem but with very different goals. Foster looking for the cause. While Justine simply wants to save people.

Along the way, others join the team for assorted reasons. Each with their own special set of skills. Each shedding light on how immense their problem but I still don't have a clear idea on what the problem is so far - I've just got that there's a signal from outerspace and people are dying. really is.

But everything changes when an unassuming deputy deputy of what? comes forward. A person whose confessions you need to say what those confessions are lead them beyond the stratosphere to explore fantastical ideas like beaming technology, rickety spaceships, and alien arbiters.

More surprising: The deputy claims the earth is nothing more than a prison. One so remote, that only the worst criminals in the universe are sent there.

Satisfied, Foster takes his answers and resigns himself to move on. To look past the years in prison toward a life before the signal. However, Justine’s unrelenting need to protect the innocent proves too much for him to ignore. Eventually, he’s swept away by her conviction on a journey to save the planet from an invasion no one knew was happening. This is starting to feel like a synopsis, only you've not included the ending. You need to get rid of certain aspects of your query. For example - you don't need to mention the others who join Justine and Foster's team. You don't even need to mention the deputy. From my understanding, your plot summed up is: 'Justine and Foster butt heads constantly as they try to save people targeted by aliens. They soon learn that an alien invasion is coming. But while Justine is going to do everything she can to stop it, Foster is tempted to watch the invasion unfold' Sorry if i've made too many stretches lol. You've got an obviously very complex story but I would advice you to whittle it down to the main plot for the query. 

Broken Marvels (125,000 words) is a science fiction adventure/mystery.

 

Thanks. Leave your link and I will reciprocate.

 

Thank you for your feedback! I hope my points might help you! It looks like a great story. Good luck with it!



#13 Bluelight

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Posted 21 August 2017 - 11:42 AM

Writing a query is hard. Mm-hmm.

 

Dear Agent,

Why is an eccentric genius [Seems like there are a lot of geniuses who are eccentric. What other unique traits has Foster got going for him that you could mention? What's his occupation, or something like that?]  like Foster locked away in a psychiatric prison in PA? [I wouldn't begin with a question. It's everyone's first instinct (mine too), but it seldom plays well. Tell us what the situation is.]  Because he discovered a signal from outer space. Then, he ignored the head of the NSA by obsessively pursuing the signal’s meaning. But, it wasn’t until he began screaming “Little Green Men” that national security was ever brought up.

Years later, the signal occurs again. Only this time, the problem isn’t theoretical. People are dying. And with time slipping away, Foster’s intimate knowledge suddenly makes him invaluable. [These two paragraphs could probably be condensed into a nice hook. Yes, it's interesting that he heard a signal from space and was arrested. But it's even more interesting that the signal recurred. Seems like a hook there.]

Desperate for answers, the person who placed him in prison dispatches Justine. Shoot first and ask question later, the FBI agent and her partner’s orders are very clear: keep an eye on Foster, discover the truth behind the signal, and stop anyone else from dying.

During their investigation, Justine and Foster butt heads constantly [If you mention this at all, be specific. What do they butt heads about ? What sort of consequences are there that figure into the story? Does it prevent them from cracking the mystery?]. Each confronting the same problem but with very different goals. Foster looking for the cause. While Justine simply wants to save people.

Along the way, others join the team for assorted reasons. Each with their own special set of skills. Each shedding light on how immense their problem really is. [You don't need this, especially if you're not telling us what these "reasons" are. Keep the focus on Foster.]

But everything changes when an unassuming deputy comes forward. A person whose confessions lead them beyond the stratosphere to explore fantastical ideas like beaming technology, rickety spaceships, and alien arbiters. [Do they go up into space?]

More surprising: The deputy claims the earth is nothing more than a prison. One so remote, that only the worst criminals in the universe are sent there. [Ah! Now THAT's interesting! You would know better than me, but this sounds like the heart of your story. Guy hears a mysterious signal from space. He's alternately persecuted and consulted about it. Signal shows that Earth itself isn't what it seems. If I've got this right, that's what your query should be about.]

Satisfied, Foster takes his answers and resigns himself to move on [Wait. What? Earth is just a prison and Foster is okay with this? Where's the final conflict/showdown/race to the truth? I'm sure it's in your novel, but it's not coming through here. That's got to come out. You've got an interesting premise. What are the specific consequences of finding out the truth?]. To look past the years in prison toward a life before the signal. However, Justine’s unrelenting need to protect the innocent proves too much for him to ignore. Eventually, he’s swept away by her conviction on a journey to save the planet from an invasion no one knew was happening.

Broken Marvels (125,000 words) is a science fiction adventure/mystery.

As I said above, I like the story idea and premise. But (as others have said), the main thread of the story is getting lost in this. I've made a guess at what the story is, but you know best what you were trying to do in the novel. Bring that out in the query. Foster discovered all this groovy stuff (alien signals, Earth not being what it seems). Okay, now what? What does he do about it? What happens now  that he's discovered all this. That's got to come through in the query.
Also, give much thought to specifics. Phrases like 'everything changes,' and 'swept away by her conviction' don't tell us (or show us) what's actually happening. WHAT happens? WHAT effects does it have on the story? That's what has to come out in a query. (I get where these vague phrases come from, because I've used a few of them myself. Queries have to be short. 'Everything changes' is two words. Describing what actually happens takes up many more words. But if those many more words better convey your story, then you're doing the right thing.)

Finally, focus on Foster as much as is practicable. In a 125,000 word novel, I'm sure a lot of things happen, there are many characters and more than a few interesting subplots. You can't talk about most of that in a 300-ish word query. What's the overall point of the novel? What does Foster do that's most important to the story's main purpose? How do his actions succeed (or fail) in bringing about a solution to the story's most significant conflict?   
 

 

 

Thanks. Leave your link and I will reciprocate.



#14 yumaseven

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Posted 21 August 2017 - 12:24 PM

Thanks, I appreaciate the feedback Dharshaini and Bluelight. I think it will help me drill further down into the heart of the book.



#15 yumaseven

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 09:43 PM

Once more...

 

Dear Agent,

Foster sometimes forgets why he’s in a maximum security psychiatric hospital.

It could be because he created a computer program capable of cracking any kind of encryption. It could be because he discovered a signal from outer space. Or maybe… he just trusted the wrong person.

Whatever the reason, his fate seems sealed. At least, until the signal reappears as a bright light outside of Elmira, NY. Suddenly, the head of the NSA is apologizing for his mistakes. Now, the director is promising anything and everything to secure Foster’s help investigating the signal.

Reluctantly, he agrees and his government mandated team soon arrive in town to discover a series of animal deaths and bizarre suicides. To Foster, these events are directly related to the signal. While, the others see these connections as leaps of logic, maybe even byproducts of an insane mind.

But, things get even weirder when Foster starts listening to an unassuming sheriff’s deputy. He claims earth is an intergalactic prison. And the signal is simply a transportation device used for depositing the worst criminals in the universe. More surprising: he hints at a world beyond the stratosphere. Where things like rickety spaceships and alien arbiters hold even greater truths.

Foster realizes the signal has existed long before his original discovery. Worse, it will continue to wreak havoc unless someone stops it.

Now, Foster’s theories and convictions are put to the test. He must follow the signal back to its origin. All while trying to guide a group of misfit adventurers on a journey that could kill them. But if he succeeds, he just might save the planet from an invasion that already happened.

Broken Marvels (125,000 words) is a science fiction adventure/mystery.



#16 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 03:56 AM

Heck. I like it.

I'll have to leave the critiquing to those better to judge.

My one BIG problem is the word count, but who knows?

Thumbs up from me.



#17 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 04:23 AM

 

Once more...

 

Dear Agent,

Foster sometimes forgets why he’s in a maximum security psychiatric hospital.

It could be because he created a computer program capable of cracking any kind of encryption. It could be because he discovered a signal from outer space. Or maybe he just trusted the wrong person.

Whatever the reason, his fate seems sealed. At least, until the signal reappears as a bright light outside of Elmira, NY. (I think this should be your hook. The current one works as well, but it is not as gripping for me, unless you include these sentences too)

Suddenly, the head of the NSA is apologizing for his mistakes. Now, the director (choose one term - director/head) is promising anything and everything to secure Foster’s help in investigating the signal.

Reluctantly, he agrees and his the (?) government mandated team soon arrives in town to discover a series of animal deaths and bizarre suicides. To Foster, these events are directly related to the signal. While, the others see these connections his conclusions as leaps of logic, maybe even byproducts of an insane mind.

But, things get even weirder when Foster starts listening to an unassuming sheriff’s deputy. He claims that Earth is an intergalactic prison. And the signal is simply a transportation device used for depositing the worst criminals in the universe. More surprising: he hints at a world beyond the stratosphere. Where things like rickety spaceships and alien arbiters hold even greater truths.(This part reads weird and unnatural. try rewording it and replacing some details)

Foster realizes the signal has existed long before his original discovery. Worse, and it will continue to wreak havoc unless someone stops it.

Now, Foster’s theories and convictions are put to the test. He must follow the signal back to its origin. All the while trying to guide a group of misfit adventurers on a journey that could kill them. But if he succeeds, he just  or might save the planet from an invasion that already happened.

Broken Marvels (125,000 words) is a science fiction adventure/mystery.

 

 

Hope it helps.

Please also check for grammar as a lot of words like "That","The", etc. seem missing.

 

Please have a look at my query too



#18 yumaseven

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Posted 05 September 2017 - 04:29 PM

After another few hundred edits...

Foster sometimes forgets why he’s in a maximum security psychiatric hospital.

It could be because he created a computer program capable of cracking any encryption. It could be because he discovered a signal from outer space. Or maybe, he just trusted the wrong person.

Whatever the reason, his fate seems sealed. At least, until the signal reappears outside of Elmira, NY.

Suddenly, the head of the NSA is apologizing for his mistakes. Now, he’s promising anything and everything to secure Foster’s help investigating the signal. Reluctantly, he agrees. 24 hours later, Foster and his government babysitters arrive in a town besieged by a series of animal deaths and bizarre suicides. To Foster, these events are directly related to the signal. While the others see these connections as leaps of logic, maybe even byproducts of an insane mind.

Things get weirder when Foster starts listening to an unassuming sheriff’s deputy. He claims the earth is an intergalactic prison. And the signal is simply a transportation device used for depositing the worst criminals in the universe. He even hints at a realm beyond the stratosphere. One where an abandoned space station, rickety spaceships and alien arbiters hold even greater truths.

Eventually, Foster realizes the signal has existed long before his original discovery. Worse, it will continue to wreak havoc unless someone stops it.

Now, Foster must follow the signal’s origins back to the beginning. All the while guiding a smartass Artificial Intelligence, a trigger-happy FBI agent, and a near suicidal alien on a journey that could get them killed. Now, this team of broken marvels must learn to trust each other or face risking the planet to an invasion that already happened.

BROKEN MARVELS (125,000 words) is a light science fiction novel. I am currently working on the second book. It is entitled: The Consciousness Protocols.

Thanks. I will edit in return.



#19 Cryuff14

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Posted 09 September 2017 - 11:08 AM


Foster sometimes forgets why he’s in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. (I see this a lot. It's become a cliche. How about he's in jail, prison, under a prison, he's locked up somewhere)

It could be because he created a computer program capable of cracking any encryption. It could be because he discovered a signal from outer space. (and didn't share this with anyone? Shared it with everyone, shared it with the wrong person; people think he's crazy?) Or maybe, he just trusted the wrong person.


Whatever the reason, his fate seems sealed. (another cliche; how so? He's doomed, They're not going to let him go. He'll die there (it's clear) At least, until And then the signal reappears outside of Elmira, NY. 


Suddenly, the head of the NSA is apologizing for his (Foster's?) mistakes. Now, And he’s promising anything and everything to secure Foster’s help investigating the signal. Reluctantly, he (who?) agrees and 24 hours later, Foster and his government babysitters arrive in a town besieged by a series of animal deaths and bizarre suicides. To Foster, these events are directly related to the signal. While the others see these connections as leaps of logic, maybe even byproducts of an insane mind. (Hmmm. Wandering here for lack of clarity, which is not good. Foster guided them to the town because the events are related to the signal. The others may not understand or are skeptical but the Feds believe in the signal, they're promising anything and so on.)


Things get weirder (they're already weird???? Things begin to get weird, maybewhen Foster starts listening to an unassuming sheriff’s deputy. He claims the earth is an intergalactic prison. And the signal is simply a transportation device used for depositing the worst criminals in the universe. He even hints at a realm beyond the stratosphere. One where an abandoned space station, rickety spaceships and alien arbiters hold even greater truths.

 

(Some interesting ideas here. But again, lack of clarity. I'm impressed with how you've responded to earlier critiques and brought this along. Well done. I also think that you're putting the cart before the horse because I have to wonder about your writing, your book; likely you have the same problems there that you're dealing with in this query. If your intent is to put this out to agents when it's in good shape, make sure your book is in really good shape as well. You can't fake that; it takes a lot of time and work. I think you have talent and your ideas, better than most. But I see room for improvement throughout. )

 


Eventually, Foster realizes the signal has existed long before his original discovery. Worse, it will continue to wreak havoc unless someone stops it. 

Now, Foster must follow the signal’s origins back to the beginning. All the while guiding a smartass Artificial Intelligence, a trigger-happy FBI agent, and a near suicidal alien on a journey that could get them killed. Now, this team of broken marvels must learn to trust each other or face risking the planet to an invasion that already happened.

BROKEN MARVELS (125,000 words) is a light science fiction novel. I am currently working on the second book. It is entitled: The Consciousness Protocols. 



#20 yumaseven

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Posted 11 September 2017 - 05:26 PM

Thanks for the critique. The problem with my query has also been focus. My book has multiple protagnists and a query really needs to focus on one in particular. That has been a struggle to correct.







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