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THE ORPHAN'S INHERITANCE - Please help. I'll return all critiques

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#1 kene

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 06:11 PM

Thank you for any help rendered.

 

REVISED POST ON #32.  LINK->: http://agentquerycon...iques/?p=346071

 

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

Dr. Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a blocked phone call suggests otherwise.

 When Alexandre accepts a call from the adopted Papa who abandoned him, he’s incapable of refusing a meet. Papa’s directions lead him to the border of the U.S Naval base in frigid North Dakota, where he witnesses the scheduled tests of illegal aircrafts. Alexandre shoots them down to encounter both Man and bi-pedal Alien in the debris. Per Papa’s instructions, Alexandre rushes into surgery on the victims.

 

Despite his aptitude, he is taken into custody by the U.S military. Suddenly, human rights are formalities that no longer apply to him. A game of mental chess ensues between Alexandre and the General of the garrison; a game that guarantees Alexandre’s death if he cannot explain the source of his information. Upon trying to escape, a starved Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes an intellectual struggle for life.

 

THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. Having grown up on three continents and with a father who held high levels of government clearance in a foreign country, I am also a medical student. These have informed my work. <Personalization per agent> My complete manuscript is available at your request.



#2 Springfield

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 07:19 PM

Thank you for any help rendered.

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

Dr. Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a blocked phone call suggests otherwise. I don't understand what this is meant to mean. It's not working for me at all.

 When Alexandre accepts a call from the adopted Papa who abandoned him, Do we need all this info? What's an adopted papa, anyway? he’s incapable of refusing a meet. Papa’s directions lead him to the border of the U.S Naval base in frigid North Dakota, where he witnesses the scheduled tests of illegal aircrafts. I don't know what that means, or why or how he'd know. Alexandre shoots them down  Wait, what? to encounter both Man Why's that capped? and bi-pedal Alien same in the debris. Per Papa’s instructions, Alexandre rushes into surgery on the victims. What? I'm so confused. Where's the, er, navy? Why there's magically a navy base in landlocked ND is another pressing question, but I'm focusing on what's before me.

 

Despite his aptitude, he is taken into custody by the U.S military. I'D THINK! Suddenly, human rights are formalities that no longer apply to him. Well, duh? A game of mental chess ensues between Alexandre and the General of the garrison; Sorry? Is this an alt reality thing?  a game that guarantees Alexandre’s death if he cannot explain the source of his information. What information? How he got onto the base isn't the problem? Upon trying to escape, a starved Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes an intellectual struggle for life. I don't understand the focus.

 

 

THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. Having grown up on three continents and with a father who held high levels of government clearance in a foreign country, I am also a medical student. These have informed my work. <Personalization per agent> My complete manuscript is available at your request.

As above, I don't understand the focus. This is kind of all over the place -- he's got some father who abandoned him, or guy he met who abandoned him. then he finds aliens on a magical abandoned naval base, then he starts performing surgery, gets busted, and we drop the whole alien and father thing and it seems like his problem is escaping military prison. 

 

I'm confused.



#3 kene

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 08:04 PM

As above, I don't understand the focus. This is kind of all over the place -- he's got some father who abandoned him, or guy he met who abandoned him. then he finds aliens on a magical abandoned naval base, then he starts performing surgery, gets busted, and we drop the whole alien and father thing and it seems like his problem is escaping military prison. 

 

I'm confused.

I'll address your critiques as they appear. "Why do we need info that he was abandoned?" Because if informs his decision of agreeing to meet.

"How would he know about the aircrafts?" It says Papa gave him directions in the same sentence.

"Where's the navy?" The sentence states that he rushes into surgery prior to their arrival

"What is there a magical base?" I don't recall ever mentioning a magical base. I looked again. There isn't any mention of such

"I'D THINK" You'd think what, that he would be taken in? Good, but it needs to be stated. I can't jump to him being in captive

Human right no longer apply to him. You said "Well duh" So do people who are arrested automatically have their human rights taken from them? What does the "Well duh" mean exactly?

 

Thank you for taking the time, Springfield. But criticisms that aren't constructive do little to help. 



#4 Springfield

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 08:15 PM

O...k. Oy, vey.

 

I'll address your critiques as they appear. "Why do we need info that he was abandoned?" Because if informs his decision of agreeing to meet. How is that relevant to the query in any way?

"How would he know about the aircrafts?" It says Papa gave him directions in the same sentence. I mean how does he know, from, according to the query, arriving at a naval base and looking up, that an aircraft is "illegal" again, whatever that means.

"Where's the navy?" The sentence states that he rushes into surgery prior to their arrival He's at a naval base -- I presume thus, that the navy is, you know, there, and don't exactly have to get a bus. Also, I kind of presumed he was doing surgery in some kind of surgical setup ON the base, as what is the other option, his car?

"What is there a magical base?" I don't recall ever mentioning a magical base. I looked again. There isn't any mention of such I said why, and it's magical because there's no naval base in ND.

"I'D THINK" You'd think what, that he would be taken in? Good, but it needs to be stated. I can't jump to him being in captive Oy.

Human right no longer apply to him. You said "Well duh" So do people who are arrested automatically have their human rights taken from them? What does the "Well duh" mean exactly? People who break into military facilities and start messing with what one would presume would be top-secret things are not brought to civilian court and arraigned. Is that supposed to be a shocking surprise? It's not.

 

Thank you for taking the time, Springfield. But criticisms that aren't constructive do little to help. 

You're not going to be there to explain to an agent what doesn't make sense from the query itself. That's the point of the questions. 



#5 kene

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 09:45 PM

You're not going to be there to explain to an agent what doesn't make sense from the query itself. That's the point of the questions. 

Thank you for your help, Springfield. I looked on your profile to return the favour of a critique, but you haven't started any topics. If you do, do let me know so I can keep my word. I appreciate every feedback. Thank you. 



#6 kene

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 03:28 PM

Revised:

P.S:  I wanted to get feedback from others on the hook prior before changing it. But I revised the others

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

Dr. Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a blocked phone call suggests otherwise.

 When Alexandre accepts a call from the adopted Papa who abandoned him, he’s incapable of refusing a meet. Papa’s directions lead him to the border of a U.S Naval black site in frigid North Dakota, where he witnesses the scheduled test of a saucer aircraft. Alexandre shoots it down to encounter men and bi-pedal alien in the debris. Per Papa’s instructions, Alexandre rushes into surgery on the victims prior to the Navy’s arrival.

 

Despite his aptitude, he is taken into custody by the U.S Navy. Suddenly, human rights are formalities that no longer apply to him. A game of mental chess ensues between Alexandre and the Commander of the black site; a game that guarantees Alexandre’s death if he cannot explain who leaked the information to him. Upon trying to escape, a starved Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes an intellectual struggle for life.

 

THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. Having grown up on three continents and with a father who held high levels of government clearance in a foreign country, I am also a medical student. These have informed my work. <Personalization per agent> My complete manuscript is available at your request.



#7 Vio Liddell

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 04:12 PM

Thank you for any help rendered.

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

 

Dr. Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American history--until a phone call... [insert some clue about the phone call here. Don't reveal too much, but just a hint so that we can get your premise].

 

When Alexandre gets back in touch with the adopted (adoptive?) papa who abandoned him (when exactly did he abandon him?), he just can't refuse a meeting. Papa’s directions lead him to the border of the U.S naval base in frigid North Dakota, where he witnesses the scheduled tests for illegal aircrafts (how does he know that these aircrafts are "illegal"?). Alexandre shoots them down (wait, is he carrying a weapon? Did he find one on the base?) to encounter both a man and a bi-pedal (humanoid?) alien in the debris (wreckage?). Following Papa’s instructions, Alexandre rushes into surgery on the victims (why and how does he "rush into surgery"? We have absolutely no sense of Alexandre's character so far. Why does he blindly obey Papa's orders? What are his personal motives?)

 

Despite his aptitude (status?), he is taken into custody by the U.S navy. Suddenly, human rights are formalities that no longer apply to him. A game of mental chess (this is too vague) ensues between Alexandre and the general of the garrison (who is this general? Introduce him with a few more details so that we can have a better grasp of his character); a game that guarantees Alexandre’s death if he cannot explain the source of his information (so Alexandre's dad has been dealing with the navy/has something to do with them in some way? I don't understand how it's all connected). Upon trying to escape, a starved Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes an intellectual struggle for life.

 

THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. Having grown up on three continents and with a father who held high levels of government clearance in a foreign country, I am also a medical student. These have informed my work. <Personalization per agent> My complete manuscript is available at your request.

 

These are all just suggestions to try to give your sentences more sense and improve the presentation of your query (spaces between paragraphs). Anyway your query is too vague and confusing. You have to give us more about Alexandre and his dad because, as it is, we can't get any sense of their actions and motives. You may have a good idea but I don't understand the way your plot unfolds. Also, Alexandre sounds too passive. He's your MC but your query just introduces him as his dad's puppet and the navy's toy. Only your last sentence makes him sound more active with the stakes.

 

Hope this helps. Thanks for your review on my own query!

 

Good luck!



#8 kene

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 04:23 PM

These are all just suggestions to try to give your sentences more sense and improve the presentation of your query (spaces between paragraphs). Anyway your query is too vague and confusing. You have to give us more about Alexandre and his dad because, as it is, we can't get any sense of their actions and motives. You may have a good idea but I don't understand the way your plot unfolds. Also, Alexandre sounds too passive. He's your MC but your query just introduces him as his dad's puppet and the navy's toy. Only your last sentence makes him sound more active with the stakes.

 

Hope this helps. Thanks for your review on my own query!

 

Good luck!

Thank you for the feedback. I definitely see what you mean about the vagueness and nondisclosure of motives. 



#9 Dharshaini

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Posted 19 August 2017 - 08:26 AM

Revised:

P.S:  I wanted to get feedback from others on the hook prior before changing it. But I revised the others

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

Dr. Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a blocked phone call suggests otherwise. This hook doesn't really grip me - looking at your story, I think you could structure it from another angle. 

 When Alexandre accepts a call from the adopted Papa who abandoned him, he’s incapable of refusing a meet. Papa’s directions lead him to the border of a U.S Naval black site in frigid North Dakota, where he witnesses the scheduled test of a saucer aircraft. Alexandre shoots it down, only to encounter men and bi-pedal alien in the debris. but why does he shoot it down? Did his father tell him to? Per Papa’s instructions, Alexandre rushes into surgery performs emergency surgery on the victims prior to the Navy’s arrival. Maybe should mention Alexandre is a doctor beforehand? 

 

Despite his aptitude, he is taken into custody by the U.S Navy. Suddenly, human rights are formalities that no longer apply to him. Great sentence. A game of mental chess ensues between Alexandre and the Commander of the black site; a game that guarantees Alexandre’s death if he cannot explain who leaked the information to him. Upon trying to escape, a starved Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes an intellectual struggle for life. Another great sentence. 

 

THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. Having grown up on three continents and with a father who held high levels of government clearance in a foreign country, I am also a medical student. These have informed my work. <Personalization per agent> My complete manuscript is available at your request.

 

The story looks good but I'm more drawn to the second half of your query compared to the first half. You could shorten your first paragraph a lot more (Eg: When Alexandre follows his father's instructions to shoot down a saucer aircraft, he is taken into the custody of the U.S Navy. Etc) I'd like to know more about the Commander - what does he want and why does he want it? 

 

I'd really appreciate it if you could have a look at my query too: http://agentquerycon...ning-critiques/

 

Good luck from a fellow medical student! ;)



#10 Faltho

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Posted 19 August 2017 - 09:04 AM

Revised:

P.S:  I wanted to get feedback from others on the hook prior before changing it. But I revised the others

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

Dr. Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE (Does this need to be in all capital letters?) was the greatest truth of American History, but a blocked phone call suggests otherwise (As other have said, this may feel a bit vague. Perhaps give a little bit more to really hook us in)

.

 When Alexandre accepts a call from the(his) adopted(Not sure this word is right) Papa who abandoned him, he’s incapable of refusing a meet (I think this is extra information, unless we assume he's estranged, which would be worth mentioning beforehand) . Papa’s directions lead him to the border of a U.S Naval black site in frigid North Dakota, where he witnesses the scheduled test of a saucer aircraft(This is a little clunky at the end. Perhaps replace saucer aircraft with something that flows a little more naturally). Alexandre shoots it down(If this is extraterrestrial how does a normal person shoot it down, and why?) to encounter men and bi-pedal alien in the debris (Again, sort of awkward phrasing here I think). Per Papa’s instructions, Alexandre rushes into surgery on the victims prior to the Navy’s arrival (I admit, I don't really understand as a reader why he'd do this, and it feels very mysterious).

 

Despite his aptitude, he is taken into custody by the U.S Navy. Suddenly, human rights are formalities that no longer apply to him. A game of mental chess ensues between Alexandre and the Commander of the black site; a game that guarantees Alexandre’s death if he cannot explain who leaked the information to him (Another semi-awkward sentence when I read it aloud). Upon trying to escape, a starved Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes an intellectual struggle for life. (This is a great line, and really gives the reader an idea of the stakes involved)

 

THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction (Is there a lot of science fiction involved, or just the UFO?) novel complete at 110,000 words. Having grown up on three continents and with a father who held high levels of government clearance in a foreign country, I am also a medical student. These have informed my work. <Personalization per agent> My complete manuscript is available at your request.

 

Just my two cents,

 

I think this is an interesting idea. In fact, I'm pretty sure if I were to read this book I'd enjoy it. However, the query is a little vague and seems to hop around a lot without explanation, giving only a minor look at what the reader should expect.



#11 zjarm

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Posted 19 August 2017 - 04:00 PM

Revised:

P.S:  I wanted to get feedback from others on the hook prior before changing it. But I revised the others

 

Dear Mr. Ag: You have some spacing issues, but I am sure you know that.

Dr. Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a blocked phone call suggests otherwise. The first half of this sentence really speaks to me. The second half falls flat. Everything after the comma is vague and a little cliche. In the hook, you want to really grab me and show me how your sci-fi novel is different from everyone else's, what makes it special. Feel free to dig into it and show me what it's all about.

 When Alexandre accepts a call Wait, I thought it was blocked? from the adopted Papa who abandoned him, he’s incapable of refusing a meet To me, either "refusing to meet" or "refusing a meeting" sound more natural. Also, why is he incapable?. Papa’s directions lead him to the border of a U.S Naval black site in frigid North Dakota, where he witnesses the scheduled test of a saucer aircraft Aircraft or spacecraft?. Alexandre shoots it down Why? Why would he shoot it down? Also, what does he do that Alexandre is capable of shooting down a flying saucer? to encounter men Human? and bi-pedal alien Either "bipedal aliens" or "a bipedal alien." in the debris. Per Papa’s instructions, Alexandre rushes into surgery First he shoots down a UFO and now he's performing surgery? Who is this guy? I think we actually need more info on Alexandre. on the victims prior to the Navy’s arrival. ​He's at a naval black site but the navy's not there?

 

Despite his aptitude What aptitude? And why would aptitude present being taken into custody?, he is taken into custody by the U.S Navy. Suddenly, human rights are formalities that no longer apply to him. A game of mental chess ensues between Alexandre and the Commander Use this way, commander is lowercase. If he has a name you want to drop, though (Commander Smith), go for it. of the black site; a game that guarantees Alexandre’s death if he cannot explain who leaked the information What info? to him. Upon trying to escape After trying to escape? When trying to escape? After a botched escape attempt?, a starved Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes an intellectual struggle for life. Sounds very much like a physical struggle for survival as well.

 

THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. Having grown up on three continents and with a father who held high levels of government clearance in a foreign country, I am also a medical student. These have informed my work. These qualification don't flow well. "Having grown up...I am also a medical student" also implies a cause-effect relationship that's not there. Maybe try something like "Growing up in three continents with a father who had high government clearance and studying medicine have informed my work." I don't know. You'll come up with something better than I can write. <Personalization per agent> My complete manuscript is available at your request. Of course it is. That's why you're writing.

This sounds like a captivating sci-fi mystery/thriller. I think what I am missing most is what drives Alexandre, why he makes his decisions, and what's in it for him. Why is he so loyal instantly to "Papa" who abandoned him? In general, I think I need to be shown more about him. What does he do that he is capable of shooting down a spaceship and performing surgery? In addition, I really think you're story is about his survival in captivity. That seems to be the bulk of the action. It really gets going with downing that craft. I might even start right in with a hook about shooting down a flying saucer and getting captured, then give me the meat I need with what he's up against, why, and what it all means.

 

I didn't read through others' feedback, so I hope I didn't duplicate too much. Hopefully this gives you some ideas to bounce around. If you have time, I always appreciate feedback on my work as well. http://agentquerycon...37796-glowworm/



#12 JuliAberg

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Posted 20 August 2017 - 03:29 AM

I will come back when you have a new version up :)



#13 kene

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Posted 21 August 2017 - 04:10 PM

Rewrite based on feedback. Cheers to you all. 

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

 

Doctor Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a betrayal will expose our broken constitution, and the entities we share our planet with.

 

Orphans are plagued with a life long hunger for closure. So when Doctor Alexandre Duchess receives a call from his father, he’s incapable of refusing to meet. The meet is a hunting trip set up in North Dakota, where Alexandre bears witness to a UFO hovering in the snow. Alexandre shoots it down to encounter Americans and an alien in the wreckage. His father –who he remembers to be military– never arrives. Upon working to save the victims of the crash, the U.S Navy invades, taking him into custody.

 

One mile underground and in a Naval black site, human rights no longer apply to him. America’s Navy wants to know how he knew of classified scheduled tests. Alexandre wants to know why his father set him up. An apartment in the state, mail in his name, an illegal rifle, these are the questions for which the U.S Navy demands answers. When a starved Alexandre cannot answer them, his resolve is to break out. Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused under his country’s nose. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes a struggle for life.

 

Growing up on three continents with a father who had high government clearance and studying medicine have informed my work. THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. <personalization>



#14 kene

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Posted 21 August 2017 - 04:14 PM

I will come back when you have a new version up :)

I just posted a rewrite. Thank you for letting me know you were waiting for one.

 

LINK: http://agentquerycon...iques/?p=345484



#15 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 21 August 2017 - 05:08 PM

Rewrite based on feedback. Cheers to you all. 

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

 

Doctor Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a betrayal will expose our broken constitution, and the entities we share our planet with.

 

Orphans are plagued with a life long hunger for closure. So when Doctor Alexandre Duchess receives a call from his father, he’s incapable of refusing to meet. The meet is a hunting trip set up in North Dakota, where Alexandre bears witness to a UFO hovering in the snow. Alexandre shoots it down to encounter Americans and an alien in the wreckage. His father –who he remembers to be military– never arrives. Upon working to save the victims of the crash, the U.S Navy invades, taking him into custody.

 

One mile underground and in a Naval black site, human rights no longer apply to him. America’s Navy wants to know how he knew of classified scheduled tests. Alexandre wants to know why his father set him up. An apartment in the state, mail in his name, an illegal rifle, these are the questions for which the U.S Navy demands answers. When a starved Alexandre cannot answer them, his resolve is to break out. Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused under his country’s nose. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes a struggle for life.

 

Growing up on three continents with a father who had high government clearance and studying medicine have informed my work. THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. <personalization>

This story sounds intriguing!

 

Doctor Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a betrayal will expose our broken constitution, and the entities we share our planet with. Not sure about this. Needs some rewording, but I have no idea what the words would be.

 

As an orphan, Alexander Orphans are is plagued with a lifelong hunger for closure. So when Doctor Alexandre Duchess he receives a call from his father, he’s incapable of refusing to meet. The meet is for a hunting trip set up in North Dakota. Once there, where Alexandre bears witnesses (or sees) to a UFO hovering in the snow. He shoots it down Alexandre shoots it down to encounter and finds Americans and an alien in the wreckage. His father – who he remembers to be military– never arrives. Upon While working to save the victims of the crash, the US Navy (arrives) invades, and takes him taking him into custody.

 

One mile underground and in a Naval black site, human rights no longer apply to him. America’s Navy wants to know how he knew of classified scheduled tests. Alexandre wants to know why his father set him up. An apartment in the state, mail in his name, an illegal rifle — these are the questions the U.S Navy demands answered. When a The starved Alexandre cannot answer them, and his resolves is to break out. He’s Alexandre is caught, beaten, and abused under his country’s nose. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes a struggle for life.

 

Hope this helps. I would definitely read this. If you have time, I have a query and synopsis - "The Patriot's Warning."



#16 Faltho

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Posted 21 August 2017 - 08:59 PM

Thanks for the reply on my query mate!

 

 

Rewrite based on feedback. Cheers to you all. 

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

 

Doctor Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a betrayal will expose our broken constitution, and the entities we share our planet with. (Much better opening)

 

Orphans are plagued with a life long hunger for closure. So, when Doctor Alexandre Duchess (I'd consider reworking in the name later in the query, rather than so quickly after the first mention) receives a call from his father, he’s incapable of refusing to meet. The meet is a hunting trip set up in North Dakota, where Alexandre bears witness to a UFO hovering in the snow (This is a great addition to the query, and is way more clear in my opinion). Alexandre shoots it down to encounter Americans and an alien in the wreckage. His father –who he remembers to be military–(Perhaps reword the stuff inside, or even simplify to something like 'who was in the royal air-force') never arrives. Upon working to save the victims of the crash, the U.S Navy invades (Invades sounds like the Navy is going into occupied territory :tongue: there might be a more subtle word choice. Also, never considered a Navy base to be in ND, interesting factoid), taking him into custody.

 

One mile underground and in a Naval black site, human rights no longer apply to him (This is much better as well in my opinion). America’s Navy wants to know how he knew of classified scheduled tests. Alexandre wants to know (Both of these bits have 'wants to know' repeated back-to-back. Maybe there's another way to put this?) why his father set him up. An apartment in the state, mail in his name, an illegal rifle, these are the questions for which the U.S Navy demands answers (Is all of this his father's or Alexandre's? I'm not sure based on the context). When a starved Alexandre cannot answer them, his resolve is to break out. Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused under his country’s nose. (For me, this paragraph reads more fluidly without this sentence, not sure if others would agree) What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes a struggle for life.

 

Growing up on three continents with a father who had high government clearance and studying medicine have informed my work. THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. <personalization>

 

Looking a lot better. I think this version is much more thought out and gives me a better idea of the overall story. Very nice update



#17 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 10:34 AM

Doctor Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE (Why is this is capital letters?) was the greatest truth of American history, but a betrayal will expose our broken constitution and the entities we share our planet with. (Good hook. I'm interested so far. - Maybe mention what kind of betrayal though. Was it a government betrayal? A family betrayal?)

 

Orphans are plagued with a life long hunger for closure. (The "fore closure" sounded strange to me. - Also, does this mean that Alexandre was an orphan? I'm not sure where this fits in with the story.) So When Doctor Alexandre Duchess (You don't have to state his full name every time. Just one name title after the first will do.) receives a call from his father, he’s incapable of refusing to meet. (Why?) The meet ("The meet" sounds unnatural to me. Perhaps reword that.) is a hunting trip set up in North Dakota, where Alexandre bears witnesses to a UFO hovering in the snow. Alexandre shoots it down, (Why does he shoot at it? Was it hostile?) but finds to encounter (He finds them more than encounters them I think. "encounter" sounds a tad weird to me here.) Americans and an alien in the wreckage. His father –who he remembers to be military (Huh?) – never arrives. (Like he never comes on the trip or he never finds the aliens with Alexandre?) Upon working to save the victims of the crash (With the way it is set up, it means like Alexandre's father helps save the victims when I think it's Alexandre. Show the difference by saying Alexandre's name. Also, why try to save them when he just shot at them?), the U.S Navy invades and takes him into custody.

 

One mile underground at and in a Naval black site, human rights no longer apply to Alexandre (It's a new paragraph, so define "he" or "him" for the first time to add clarity.). America’s Navy wants to know how he knew of classified scheduled tests. (What tests?) Alexandre wants to know why his father set him up. (I do too! - Also, how does he know it's a set up? Is it because his father never showed up? I mean, how did his father know he'd shoot down the UFO?) An apartment in the state (What about the apartment?), mail in his name (This doesn't make sense.), an illegal rifle (What about the illegal rifle? Is that what he used to shoot the UFO?), these are the questions for which the U.S Navy demands answers. (That last sentence is confusing. I kind of get what it means, but it's set up strange. I'd reword it. Perhaps something like: "The Navy demands answers to where is apartment is, what's his mailing address, and why does he have an illegal rifle.") When a starved Alexandre cannot answer them, his plan (He doesn't know if breaking out with resolve everything though, so it's more of a plan.) is to break out. Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused under his country’s nose. Don't give it away! Make the reader interested in his break out. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes a struggle for his life.

 

Growing up on three continents with a father who had high government clearance and studying medicine have informed my work.  (Cool info, but I'm not sure it's needed since it's fiction.) THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a science fiction novel and complete at 110,000 words. <personalization>

 

Sounds like a great plot! Just work on bringing more clarity to the letter.



#18 jaustail

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 11:43 AM

JMO:

 

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

 

Doctor Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a betrayal(the two parts of this sentence before and after 'but' aren't related) will expose our broken constitution, and the entities(aliens? maybe make it clear) we share our planet with.

 

(maybe start the query from here-->)Orphans are plagued with a life long hunger for closure. So when Doctor Alexandre Duchess receives a call from his father, he’s incapable of refusing to meet. The meet is a hunting trip set up in North Dakota, where Alexandre bears witness to a UFO hovering in the snow. Alexandre shoots it down to encounter Americans and an alien in the wreckage. His father –who he remembers to be military– never arrives. Upon working to save the victims of the crash, the U.S Navy invades, taking him into custody.

 

One mile underground and in a Naval black site, human rights no longer apply to him. America’s Navy wants to know how he knew of classified scheduled tests. Alexandre wants to know why his father set him up. An apartment in the state, mail in his name, an illegal rifle, these are the questions for which the U.S Navy demands answers. When a starved Alexandre cannot answer them, his resolve is to break out. Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused under his country’s nose. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes a struggle for life.

 

Growing up on three continents with a father who had high government clearance and studying medicine have informed my work(reword this sentence: i got confused and thought it's your father who studied medicine. i strongly suggest rewording this sentence). THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. <personalization>

 

 

Maybe put this in a bigger font. Right now it's a bit hard to read because of the small font size. Sounds like a spy thriller.



#19 zjarm

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 06:18 PM

Rewrite based on feedback. Cheers to you all. 

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

 

Doctor Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American history, but a betrayal will expose our broken constitution, and the entities we share our planet with. Intriguing but a little obscure. I think you can get detailed here. "but when his brother steals his sandwich, Alexandre learns the flaws of our constitution and discovers the mole people." Clearly that's absurd, but it highlights the possibilities. Of course, you'll smooth the language out more than I've got there.

 

Orphans are plagued with a life-long hunger for closure. I'm not sure I'd make this sweeping generalization here. I'd be more specific to my MC.  Orphaned, Alexandre (don't need his full name anymore; got it up top) could never leave a puzzle unfinished in his drive for closure. Or some such gobbledygook. It's a great opportunity to also give a glimpse of Alexandre's character via action.  So when Doctor Alexandre Duchess (see previous note on his name) receives a call from his father Wasn't he orphaned? Estranged father? Adoptive father? If I recall from your earlier posting, estranged adoptive father?, he’s incapable of refusing to meet I feel like you can lose some awkwardness and combine some ideas here. "he's incapable of turning down an invitation for a hunting trip to North Dakota (Not sure location is necessary).. The meet is a hunting trip set up in North Dakota, where Alexandre bears witness to a UFO hovering in the snow. Alexandre shoots it down to encounter Americans and an alien in the wreckage. I think you can pull out some writing chops here. Maybe make the connection between hunting trip and shooting a UFO. "This trip is no ordinary one, though, as his quarry turns out to be a UFO, which he shoots down." His father –who he remembers to be military– never arrives. Yes, this line explains something, and probably a key point at that. But I don't think it's necessary to the query. We don't lose anything by losing the line. Upon  While working to save the alien victims of the crash, the U.S. Navy invades Is it an invasion if they're in the US?, taking him into custody.

 

One mile underground and in a Naval black site, human rights no longer apply to him Alexandre. America’s Navy wants to know how he knew of the classified scheduled tests. Alexandre wants to know why his father set him up. An apartment in the state, mail in his name, an illegal rifle, Do these questions apply to Alexandre or his father? You might not even need the questions. I think you can go straight to the next line and just adjust it to "When a starving Alexandre cannot answer their questions..." these are the questions for which the U.S Navy demands answers. When a starved Alexandre cannot answer them, his resolve is to break out Make this active: "he resolves to break out.". Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused under his country’s nose. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes a struggle for life.

 

Growing up on three continents with a father who had high government clearance and studying medicine have informed my work. THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. <personalization>

I like this one a lot more. I don't normally give the sample sentences like I did in this one a few times, but I think they give you a picture of what I was referencing. I still don't know the big conflict, though. Is it Alexandre trying to escape? Or is it more a race for answers sort of thing, like will Alexandre discover the truth before the big bad military get what they want? Something to think on.

 

Thanks a ton for your input on my query. A second draft will be coming sometime. Keep your eye out for it; I'd love your future insight.



#20 Faegheh

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 09:29 AM

Rewrite based on feedback. Cheers to you all. 

 

Dear Mr. Ag:

 

Doctor Alexandre Duchess thought WE THE PEOPLE was the greatest truth of American History, but a betrayal will expose our broken constitution, and the entities we share our planet with. (I like it.)

 

Orphans are plagued with a life long hunger for closure. So when Doctor Alexandre Duchess receives a call from his father, he’s incapable of refusing to meet. (These 2 sentences don't seem connected to me.) The meet is a hunting trip set up in North Dakota, where Alexandre bears witness to a UFO hovering in the snow. Alexandre shoots it down to encounter Americans and an alien in the wreckage. His father –who he remembers to be military– never arrives. Upon working to save the victims of the crash, the U.S Navy invades, taking him into custody.

 

One mile underground and in a Naval black site, human rights no longer apply to him. America’s Navy wants to know how he knew of classified scheduled tests. Alexandre wants to know why his father set him up. An apartment in the state, mail in his name, an illegal rifle, these are the questions for which the U.S Navy demands answers. When a starved Alexandre cannot answer them, his resolve is to break out. Alexandre is caught, beaten and abused under his country’s nose. What began as a pursuit for his father’s love becomes a struggle for life. (I think if you set the conflict to be Alexander trying to escape is better. You tell us he tries to break out but he's caught. At this point, I thought 'well it doesn't seem he's gonna make it out.' I feel like he's gonna dir in there without knowing why he's father sent him there, etc. Overall I like it but you should work on the stakes to attract the reader.)

 

Growing up on three continents with a father who had high government clearance and studying medicine have informed my work. THE ORPHAN’S INHERITANCE is a Science Fiction novel complete at 110,000 words. <personalization>

Thank you for critiquing my query. 

Good luck :)







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