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Arendil: The eagle's egg, Fantasy first 250 words


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#1 ruinerwarrior

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 06:44 AM

Here are the first 250 words of my first chapter. This is sort of a introduction, this happens about a year before the main character gets drawn in the story.
What I want to know is if it makes you curious and if you want to read further and why you want to read further, or not.
Many thanks in advance. If you have a part of your story you want me to criticise in return let me know!

 

The arival of darkness

 

Darkness, it was darkness he felt. He had felt darkness before, but this, this was real darkness.

A fear started flowing through him, had it been unwise of him to investigate on his own?

Would he dare to enter? To push himself further into this darkness?

He had to know, he had to see.

The bridge doomed up in front of him. The stones were time-worn by the thousands of years it had battled against the elements.

on the sides stood dark looking statues of forgotten people of before the first era.

It had as much walking space as it had black holes, revealing a deep endless fall to the black bottom of a ravine, filled with sharp rocks.

 

The bridge looked dangerous, not only for the danger of falling to death but also for it being capable to bring you to the other side, a place one should not venture.

On the other side of the bridge stood a castle, huge with many towers and peaks, broken walls and dark windows.

It was a place of death and darkness, for he did not know the history of it but he felt it. This place had known nothing but hate, pain and sorrow.

It contained a darkness so deep no one had set foot in it after the first era had started.

This castle was from the dark times. And he could feel it, it contained power, power that shouldn't have been here.



#2 jaustail

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 01:31 AM

Hi,

 

This gives a good picture but I think you can tighten this up.

 

 

The arival of darkness

 

Darkness,(full stop) it was darkness he felt(maybe: he saw instead of felt). He had felt darkness before, but this, this was real darkness(i'm not sure what's real darkness and what's unreal darkness. maybe: but this darkness seemed never ending).

A fear started flowing through him,(full stop) had it been unwise of him to investigate on his own?

Would he dare to enter? To push himself further into this darkness?

He had to know, he had to see.

The bridge doomed up in front of him. The stones were time-worn by the thousands of years it had battled against the elements.

on(On) the sides stood dark looking statues of forgotten people of before the first era.

It had as much walking space as it had black holes, revealing a deep endless fall to the black bottom of a ravine, filled with sharp rocks(can he see the rocks from such height with darkness around?).

 

The bridge looked dangerous, not only for the danger of falling to death but also for it being capable to bring you to the other side, a place one should not venture.

On the other side of the bridge stood a castle, huge with many towers and peaks, broken walls and dark windows.

It was a place of death and darkness, for he did not know the history of it but he felt it. This place had known nothing but hate, pain and sorrow.

It contained a darkness so deep no one had set foot in it after the first era had started.

This castle was from the dark times. And he could feel it, it contained power, power that shouldn't have been here.

 

Overall it's well written. But there is too much usage of word 'darkness'.

My first 250 words are can be found through the link in my signature. I'd be grateful if you could have a look.



#3 ruinerwarrior

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Posted 18 August 2017 - 02:18 AM

Thank you very much this was the critique I was looking for! I'm going to look at your story straight away.

#4 slbynum3

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Posted 04 September 2017 - 10:15 AM

Here are the first 250 words of my first chapter. This is sort of a introduction, this happens about a year before the main character gets drawn in the story.
What I want to know is if it makes you curious and if you want to read further and why you want to read further, or not.
Many thanks in advance. If you have a part of your story you want me to criticise in return let me know!

 

The arival arrival of darkness

 

Darkness, it was darkness he felt. He had felt darkness before, but this, this was real darkness.

A fear started flowing through him, had it been unwise of him to investigate on his own?

Would he dare to enter? To push himself further into this darkness?

He had to know, he had to see.

The bridge doomed (you mean loomed?) up in front of him. The stones were time-worn by the thousands of years it had battled against the elements.

on (capitalize on) the sides stood dark looking statues of forgotten people of from before the first era.

It had as much walking space as it had black holes, revealing a deep endless fall to the black bottom of a ravine, filled with sharp rocks.

 

The bridge looked dangerous, not only for the danger of falling to death but also for it being capable to of bringing you to the other side, a place one should not venture.

On the other side of the bridge stood a castle, huge with many towers and peaks, broken walls and dark windows.

It was a place of death and darkness, for he did not know the history of it but he felt it. This place had known nothing but hate, pain and sorrow.

It contained a darkness so deep no one had set foot in it after the first era had started.

This castle was from the dark times. And he could feel it, it contained power, power that shouldn't have been here.

 

This is well written, but are you sure you want your novel to start here? You say this isn't the main character, so I wonder how important it really is. There's not much happening here except for some unknown character describing where he's going. He's not doing anything. If this is just a prologue, you might can consider scrapping it. Sometimes agents aren't fond of prologues.

 

Good luck and I'd love opinions on my first 250, link found below in my signature!


Query for MAGIC UNDONE - Click here

First 250 words of MAGIC UNDONE - Click here





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