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The Subjugator (Fantasy/Sci-Fi)

Fiction Fantasy Multi-Cultural Science Fiction

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#1 punitrastogi

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 03:28 AM

So this is a new attempt at writing a query with a new title and a new approach.

 

If you want, you can check out my previous versions and the comments at: http://agentquerycon...64/#entry334403

 

I have not included the fact that this is 1st in an 8 part series here, as I have learned that it is not the correct practice.

 

The latest version is given below:

http://agentquerycon...ci-fi/?p=356698

 

================================================================

 

On the eve of Valentine's Day, all that twenty-something Karan wanted, was to confess his love to the girl of his dreams. But when she displays bio-luminescence and levitates, he realizes that his whole life has been a manipulated lie.

When she reveals her extra-terrestrial origins to him, she confesses that she had manipulated him to get his help in stopping a galactic civil war. A war that was stopped before and became the basis of many human mythologies, because of a demigod whose genes Karan's possesses.

A revelation of one's connections to "gods" and possession of telepathic abilities would have elated anyone else. But all Karan could think of was her deception and his broken heart.

When he confides his pain with his best friend, he is shattered further by learning that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected.

With his ideal life turning out to be a farce and a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#2 Faltho

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 07:15 AM


On the eve of Valentine's Day, all that twenty-something Karan wanted, was to confess his love to the girl of his dreams (This feels a little clunky as the first sentence of a query. I think this entire first hook would read better if you combined it into a single sentence). But when she(I'd mention her name, and then use it again below since she seems to play a major role) displays bio-luminescence and levitates(This is cool!), he realizes that his whole life has been a manipulated lie.

When she reveals her extra-terrestrial origins to him, she(Name) confesses that she had manipulated him to get his help (This reads a bit clunky again, to get his help could be reworded to read more smoothly) in stopping a galactic civil war. A war that was stopped before and became the basis of many human mythologies, because of a demigod whose genes Karan's possesses. (This stuff in purple feels a little added on for effect. It seems important but very strange to read here. This almost deserves its own paragraph to develop the idea. If it's just an offhanded idea, I'd drop it completely)

A revelation of one's connections to "gods" and possession of telepathic abilities would have elated anyone else. But all Karan could think of was her deception and his broken heart. (This doesn't really add anything your next paragraph doesn't cover)

When he confides his pain with his best friend, he (4 uses of his/he in the first 10 words. This feels a bit choppy and would read a lot better with some different words thrown in) is shattered further by learning that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected.

With his ideal life (Does he have an ideal life? It doesn't really seem like it so far lol) turning out to be a farce and a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring(ignore) his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

The Subjugator is a 100,000 (100k words for a first novel is a bit scary for fantasy sometimes, as agents are often worried there is overwriting) word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology(This is cool!). <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

I see you've done this before, so I don't have to tell you never to give up! That being said, if I'm being honest, this query just doesn't work really well for me. I don't get a sense of what the story is about, other than he feels betrayed by his friend and his love interest, and has some supernatural gene. I think the issue for me is this query focuses way too much on characters, their feelings, and actions rather than giving me a glimpse of a plot worthy of a 100,000 word read. I think you have a lot of really cool elements like Hindu mythology and sort of intergalactic gods, which make your story different and unique, but they get lost.

 

Don't give up, and keep trying!



#3 jaustail

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 10:18 AM

JMO:

 

 

On the eve of Valentine's Day, all that twenty-something Karan wanted, was to confess his love to the girl of his dreams. But when she displays bio-luminescence and levitates, he realizes that his whole life has been a manipulated lie(why does he think his whole life has been a lie? he must've met this girl when he was in college, so why does he think his 'whole' life has been a lie?).

When she reveals her extra-terrestrial origins to him, she confesses that she had manipulated him to get his help in stopping a galactic civil war(why does she reveal herself to him? is the war over? why not continue to manipulate him until the war is over?). A war that was stopped before and became the basis of many human mythologies, because of a demigod whose genes Karan's(maybe Karan instead of Karan's) possesses.

A revelation of one's connections to "gods" and possession of telepathic abilities would have elated anyone else. But all Karan could think of was her deception and his broken heart.

When he confides his pain with his best friend(is this friend Karan's only friend? that could tell a lot about Karan and his internal struggles), he is shattered further by learning that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected.(how does Karan learn this? why does the friend confess? things are happening to him and he's not doing much.)

With his ideal life turning out to be a farce and a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of(this is good. maybe focus more on these monsters and how Karan fights them. what are Karan's powers?).

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy(maybe: YA Fantasy instead of the forward slash. Since the book is both: YA and Fantasy) novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

Maybe focus more on the monsters. What are Karan's powers?



#4 Bluelight

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 12:50 PM


 

On the eve of Valentine's Day, all that twenty-something Karan wanted, was to confess his love to the girl of his dreams. But when she displays bio-luminescence and levitates, he realizes that his whole life has been a manipulated lie.[Biolumninescence. Isn't that a property of certain underwater seacreatures that makes them glow? Anyway, I don't think the connection you're trying to make in the second sentence is coming through the way you want. What is it about the girl's "glowing" that makes Karan think his life is a lie? Is his life a "lie" or is the world itself (in the metaphysical sense) not what it's always appeared to be? What exactly is amiss with Karan's world that the girl reveals?]

When she reveals her extra-terrestrial origins to him, she confesses that she had manipulated him to get his help in stopping a galactic civil war. A war that was stopped before and became the basis of many human mythologies, because of a demigod whose genes Karan's possesses. [How has she been manipulating him? By doing what? I like the idea of this war that somehow figures into humanity's various mythologies. I almost feel like that should figure into your hook. Again, what do you mean by 'is the basis of many human mythologies?' Which ones?]

A revelation of one's connections to "gods" and possession of telepathic abilities would have elated anyone else. But all Karan could think of was her deception and his broken heart.

When he confides his pain with his best friend, he is shattered further by learning that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected. [Neither of these paragraphs seem to advance the story. If Karan is being recruited to help win a war, let's hear more about the war, at least at first. I don't know how significant the love story is to your novel, but I'd dial back mentioning it here in favor of the main plot thread.]

With his ideal life turning out to be a farce and a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listening to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. [I'd re-phrase this dilemma or discuss some other "stakes" within the story. As it is now, if Karan going to let billions of entities die, just to get back at his dream girl, that doesn't make him very sympathetic. I'm sure Karan has some conflicting emotions that you explain well in the story, but I wouldn't reduce the dilemma to THESE two alternatives.]

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology.[Can't speak for everyone, but I'd like to hear more about this mythology in the query. That's what seems to make your story unique.] <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#5 punitrastogi

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 01:29 AM

Thank you everyone.

This is exactly the kind of feedback I was expecting.

 

I have now worked on two versions of the query.

 

One is the version posted above, but updated based on the comments.

The second is based on the fact that all of you like the mythology-scifi elemnt a lot, and has been drafted to tell you more about the history leading up to the events of the book.

 

Please let me know which one do you like more.

As always, any comments on one or both of these versions are most welcome.

 

#########################################################################################

 

Within a couple of months, twenty-something Karan has fallen head over heels for Chhaya. But when she displays bio-luminescence and levitates, secrets start to unravel, and Karan realizes that his reality has always been a manipulated lie.

When she reveals her extra-terrestrial origins, she confesses that she had manipulated him into liking her, to get his help in stopping a galactic civil war before it begins. A similar war had broken out thousands of years ago, and became the basis of human mythologies. The key in stopping the war was someone who came to be called a demigod, whose genes Karan possesses, providing him telepathic and subjugation abilities.

As she requests Karan to help find and lead the other 7 possessors, all Karan could think of was her deception and his broken heart.

In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But is shattered further when his friend confesses that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected.

With nobody to turn to for help, and his life turning out to be a farce with a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

And he needs to do it quick, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.


====================================

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for an intergalactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's definition of gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-something Karan is living a happy life. Until a chance encounter with Chhaya dissolves the gap between mythology and reality, and gods and aliens.

Chhaya is everything Karan wants in a girl, and he decides to tell her how he feels. But when the moment arrives, she reveals herself to be an alien, who has been manipulating Karan into falling for her. She explains Karan has the genes that possesses the power of telepathy and subjugation, one of the eight attainments (Siddhis) of the ancient aboriginal.

Karan can see the fear in her eyes. The fear of the loss of billions of lives, if he doesn't join her in finding the other possessors and recreating a power strong enough to stop the war before it consumes the galaxy.

But all Karan can think of is her deception. He would have happily given away his powers, if only she had not manipulated him and played with his emotions. In disbelief and in pain, he walks out on her.

When Karan confides the strange events with Harshit - his best friend for years, his heart is shattered further. Harshit confesses that although he is a human, their friendship is also a sham continued through generations, since the time of the aboriginal, so that the telepathic genes stay protected and passed on.

With his life turning out to be a farce and a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

But he needs to do it soon. As there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#6 C. C. Carroll

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 04:37 AM

I like this version better!

Maybe combining and shortening some sentences would help.

One big problem. The query is 376 words (I pasted it into word to see.) It shouldn't be more than 200-250 from what I've read. 

This seems more like a synopsis with all the detail. I think it makes for an interesting story. :>)

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for an intergalactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's definition of gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-something Karan is living a happy life. Until a chance encounter with Chhaya dissolves the gap between mythology and reality, and gods and aliens.

Chhaya is everything Karan wants in a girl, and he decides to tell her how he feels. But when the moment arrives, she reveals herself to be an alien, who has been manipulating Karan into falling for her. She explains Karan has the genes that possesses the power of telepathy and subjugation, one of the eight attainments (Siddhis) of the ancient aboriginal.

Karan can see the fear in her eyes. The fear of the loss of billions of lives, if he doesn't join her in finding the other possessors and recreating a power strong enough to stop the war before it consumes the galaxy.

But all Karan can think of is her deception. He would have happily given away his powers, if only she had not manipulated him and played with his emotions. In disbelief and in pain, he walks out on her.

When Karan confides the strange events with Harshit - his best friend for years, his heart is shattered further. Harshit confesses that although he is a human, their friendship is also a sham continued through generations, since the time of the aboriginal, so that the telepathic genes stay protected and passed on.

With his life turning out to be a farce and a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

But he needs to do it soon. As there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#7 yumaseven

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 07:45 AM

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for an intergalactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's definition of gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-something Karan is living a happy life. Until a chance encounter with Chhaya dissolves the gap between mythology and reality, and gods and aliens. I like the hook. Maybe, stop at different and combine/shorten with paragraph below.

Chhaya is everything Karan wants in a girl, and (so) he decides to tell her how he feels. But when the moment arrives, she reveals herself to be an alien, who has been manipulating Karan into falling for her. She explains Karan has the genes that possesses the power of telepathy and subjugation, one of the eight attainments (Siddhis) of the ancient aboriginal. Perhaps explain the powers a little. Is subjugation the same as manipulation?

Karan can see the fear in her eyes. The fear of the loss of billions of lives, if he doesn't join her in finding the other possessors and recreating a power strong enough to stop the war before it consumes the galaxy.  Does she say this out loud? Or does something inside Karan awaken? Maybe more manipulation?

But all Karan can think of is her deception. He would have happily given away his powers, if only she had not manipulated him and played with his emotions. In disbelief and in pain, he walks out on her. This passage is fine. But if you are trying to get the word count down, it could be shortened.

When Karan confides the strange events with Harshit - his best friend for years, his heart is shattered further. Harshit confesses that although he is a human, their friendship is also a sham continued through generations, since the time of the aboriginal, so that the telepathic genes stay protected and passed on.

With his life turning out to be a farce and a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him and acting as the reason for billions of deaths, or ignoring his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. Both paragraphs could be tightened for more impact. The choice gets a little lost in the words.

But he needs to do it (decide) soon. As there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent. As someone else wants his powers, and they not waiting for his consent.

I like the idea. A lot. Even without knowing the mythology, it seems very evocative and lends itself to science fiction very easily. The query just needs to be more focused. I had/still have the same problem. But you’ll get there.  

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#8 kathleenq

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Posted 23 August 2017 - 03:44 PM

I like the first paragraph in the second query, but respond much more to everything else about the first query. So I'm going to combine them here in how I like it below. Also check your tenses and make sure they all match!

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for an intergalactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's definition of gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-something Karan is living a happy life. U until a chance encounter with Chhaya. dissolves the gap between mythology and reality, and gods and aliens.

 

Within a couple of months, twenty-something Karan has fallen head over heels for Chhaya. But when she displays bio-luminescence and levitates, secrets start to unravel, and Karan realizes that his reality has always been a manipulated lie.

When she Chhaya reveals her extra-terrestrial origins, she confesses that she had manipulated him into liking her, to get his help in stopping a galactic civil war before it begins. A similar war had broken out thousands of years ago, and became the basis of human mythologies. The key in stopping the war thousands of years ago was someone who came to be called a demigod, whose genes Karan possesses, providing him telepathic and subjugation abilities.

As she requests Karan to help find and lead the other 7 possessors, all Karan could can think of was is her deception and his broken heart.

In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. B but is shattered further when his friend confesses that their friendship was also a sham continued through generations, so that Karan’s ancestral telepathic genes stay protected.

With nobody to turn to for help, and his life turning out to be a farce with a galactic destruction looming, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA/fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction and Hindu mythology. <<<Will add another book comparison here>>>. It also has the mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#9 punitrastogi

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 12:29 AM

Once again, thank you every one for your inputs.

 

I have merged the two versions together, and have been able to reduce the length to 280 words.

 

Please let me know if this is better or worse than the ones given above.

If it turns out to be a downgrade, I can always rollback to the previous one.

 

After all, 250 words is only a best practice, and not a rule.

If it is crisp and covers everything, it should work right?

 

==============================================

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-something Karan is living a happy life. Until a chance encounter with Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, and he decides to tell her how he feels. But when the moment arrives, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal.

 

As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart.

 

In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in Harshit - his best friend for years. But is shattered further when Harshit confesses that their friendship is also a sham continued through generations, since the time of the aboriginal, so that the telepathic genes stay protected.

 

With his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#10 jaustail

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 06:19 AM

Hi,

 

The good news is that this is very well written. I liked the writing. Simple and easy to follow.

The not-so-good news is that I didn't get much sense of the story. Everything just happened out of coincidence.

 

Example:

How do Karan and Chhaya meet? Are they neighbors? Do they meet randomly on the street and bump into each other?

Why does Chhaya confess to Karan? Why does Harshit confess to Karan?

 

I think right now you're focusing on the emotions part. Instead maybe focus on the sci-fi part. Give a glimpse of the monsters.

Are they giant bulls who can lift mountains? Are they dragons who can breathe fire? Are they giant snakes who can spit a rainfall of poison?

 

JMO

 

Good luck...



#11 punitrastogi

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 08:05 AM

Thank you for your kind words justail, but I am not sure I understand your questions.

Hi,

The good news is that this is very well written. I liked the writing. Simple and easy to follow.
The not-so-good news is that I didn't get much sense of the story. Everything just happened out of coincidence. - I get that. But I have only focussed on events that contribute to the query/dilemma.

Example:
How do Karan and Chhaya meet? Are they neighbors? - Not sure how is this important. I did mention "chance encounter" though.
Do they meet randomly on the street and bump into each other?
Why does Chhaya confess to Karan? Why does Harshit confess to Karan? Harshit does coz Chhaya did. Chhaya did coz she was instructed by her bosses to do so. I dont think these details are important. And if I add them with the background and the monsters' powers, the query would be massive, with the reader's connection with the characters getting lost.

I think right now you're focusing on the emotions part. Instead maybe focus on the sci-fi part. Give a glimpse of the monsters. - This is because my story has a lot of character (not many characters btw). That is how I have tried to keep it as human and relatable as possible.

Are they giant bulls who can lift mountains? Are they dragons who can breathe fire? Are they giant snakes who can spit a rainfall of poison? - Again, not sure how this is important.

JMO

Good luck...

Please do check out my synopsis and let me know if you still feel the same.

Thanks again for your valuable inputs Ajay :)

#12 jaustail

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Posted 24 August 2017 - 09:52 AM

JMO

 

So mention that Chhaya's bosses have told her to do so. And mention that Harshit does cause Chhaya does. Else it appears that they had a change of heart and decided to come clean before Karan because of guilt.

 

Mentioning the type of monsters gives a picture to the reader. A villain whose weapon is a club has a different personality than a villain uses a sniper. Images remain in the mind of the reader. So it's easier for the agent to remember your query.

For example:

He killed his boss.

VS
He punched his boss to death.



#13 Katx

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 01:16 PM

Once again, thank you every one for your inputs.

 

I have merged the two versions together, and have been able to reduce the length to 280 words.

 

Please let me know if this is better or worse than the ones given above.

If it turns out to be a downgrade, I can always rollback to the previous one.

 

After all, 250 words is only a best practice, and not a rule.

If it is crisp and covers everything, it should work right? Yes, but try not too shoot too far over. I'd say once you're over 300, you're starting to push it. At 280, I'd say you're okay.

 

==============================================

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's gods and monsters might have been very different. This jumps so much between this sentence and the next, that I become lost. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-something Do we know her specific age? Why not just include that? Karan is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, ​This doesn't seem that quick, so I wouldn't necessarily include a time frame. Maybe just change to "Karan is soon head over..." Karan is head over heels for Chhaya deleted comma and he decides to tell her how he feels. But when the moment arrives, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal.

 

As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart.

 

In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in Harshit, whose been his best friend for years. But is Karan's shattered further when Harshit confesses that their friendship's also a sham continued through generations, since the time of the aboriginal, to protect the telepathic genesso that the telepathic genes stay protected. Condensed, you have a lot of paragraphs With his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to must make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

And he needs to must do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is they're not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

 

I think individual elements of this query are good, but that it needs a bit of a reshuffling. The intro is not working for me at the moment, and I think the rest of it is close to becoming "This happens....then this...so then this" I'm not sure if I like the introduction of his best friend in such detail, because that's when it really started to get messy (in my opinion). Best of luck with it though - the story beneath it sounds good!


If I've given you a critique please have a look at my latest thread, it is both much needed and appreciated! Thank you :)

 

http://agentquerycon...ry/#entry344705


#14 kene

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Posted 25 August 2017 - 03:47 PM

Hi, Punitrastogi

Once again, thank you every one for your inputs.

 

I have merged the two versions together, and have been able to reduce the length to 280 words.

 

Please let me know if this is better or worse than the ones given above.

If it turns out to be a downgrade, I can always rollback to the previous one.

 

After all, 250 words is only a best practice, and not a rule.

If it is crisp and covers everything, it should work right?

 

==============================================

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war.Hmm. Okay. Okay. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilitiesAny way you can add specifics here? It'll help., human mythology's gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-something year old Karan is living a happy life. comma Until a chance encounter with Chhaya <- who is this? dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya, and he decides to tell her how he feels. But when the moment arrives, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal.

 

As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart.

 

In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in Harshit - his best friend for years.Like the first paragraph, a period doesn't work here, given you following sentence. But is shattered further when Harshit confesses that their friendship is also a sham continued through generations, since the time of the aboriginal, so that the telepathic genes stay protected.Wow. Are you sure you want to divulge all this? It's spoiler after spoiler. After the second paragraph, I was a little apprehensive about your choice to spoil Chhaya's motives, but I assumed you did so due to its relevance to the core plot. But here, it's done again. you're giving out the entire book, mate.

 

With his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. 

 

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent. 

 

The Subjugator Capitalise your title is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

I think the suggestions will help, mate. Good Luck!

Could you have a look at mine? 

http://agentquerycon...iques/?p=345258



#15 punitrastogi

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 06:34 AM

Hooray, its 270 words now :)

 

Thanks again for your points

 

Here is the latest version:

 

==========================

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old KARAN is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with CHHAYA dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But when he begins to tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal.

 

As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further.

 

While everything he knew about his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#16 Bibliophyl

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 09:24 AM

Happy to return the favor! Fair warning, I'm not much of a sci-fi reader, but I will do my best. :)

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old KARAN is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with CHHAYA dissolves the gap between gods and aliens.

 

Not sure, but I don't think you need to capitalize the character names in a query--I think that's only for a synopsis. Also, I would lead with your main character (i.e. the final sentence) rather than the set-up (thousands of years ago...etc.). I think that would hook the reader more, and then you can go into the set-up after if needed. 

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But when he begins to tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal.

 

Interesting--why are his genes so special? Is there a particular reason? Also, this might just be me, but I'm not sure what you mean by "eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal." Maybe there's a different way you can word it.

 

As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further.

 

While everything he knew about his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

"While everything he knew about his life turning out to be a farce" .> rewording suggestion: "With everything he knew about his life revealed as a farce" 

 

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Hope something was helpful! Good luck!



#17 Faegheh

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 11:04 AM

 

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old KARAN is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with CHHAYA dissolves the gap between gods and aliens. (I think you better start with your main character. Begin your paragraph with your last sentence.)

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But when he begins to tells her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal.

 

As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further.

 

While everything he knew about his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. (It seems like you just threw the conflict here without building the setting. Talk more about these monsters. Tell us who is your antagonist? We know nothing about him/her.)

 

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

Hope it helps. Good luck :)



#18 Springfield

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 11:46 AM

Hooray, its 270 words now :)

 

Thanks again for your points

 

Here is the latest version:

 

Hi - fresh eyes. :)

 

==========================

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's gods and monsters might have been very different.Wait, what? I'm lost -- I don't understand how this relates to the first sentence, at all. In modern day Mumbai, Ok, are you thus saying the 'thousands of years ago' was before contemporary reality? That's not clear.

twenty-six year old KARAN no caps is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with CHHAYA dissolves the gap between gods and aliens. This doesn't mean anything either. This whole thing needs clarity.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But when he begins to tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal. It also needs simplification.

 

As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further. 

 

While everything he knew about his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of. Ok, so you've got a basic chosen one/elementals trope combined romance. You need to a. lay this out in a much clearer way, and b. show what makes this different from every other similar thing.

 

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator is a 100,000 word YA fantasy novel How is this YA? I mean it does kind of feel YA, but your protagonist is 26, so no. with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.



#19 smithgirl

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Posted 28 August 2017 - 12:06 PM

Thanks for stopping by my query!

 

 

 

==========================

 

 

In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six-year-old Karan is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with a woman named Chhaya dissolves the gap between gods and aliens. Don't write character names in all caps in a query, just in a synopsis.

 

I would use the last sentence from your opening paragraph as your hook--it's quite effective as a hook, then move the background to the body of your query. Also, you should clarify that Chhaya is a woman. Because the name is so unfamiliar, I was initially unsure if Chhaya was a person (and then gender of person), place, or thing. Although I guess she's not actually a woman, so you could say an alien woman. Not sure how to address that, but just Chhaya is too confusing.

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But when he begins to tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal. He learns that thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war. The earth is how it is today because of an aboriginal primate (species?) who/that attained extraordinary abilities. And Karan is descended from this primate (species?).

 

I think you should incorporate the history into the second paragraph (my attempt above). Also, does the special aboriginal refer to just one individual or to an aboriginal tribe or species? So is Karan a decendent from one person or he is actually a different species?

 

As Chhaya begs requests Karan's to help to find and lead the other possessors need different word, but all Karan can think  about of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered even further. I think you need to reword this last part. Reads awkwardly.

 

While everything he knew about his life turning out to be a farce, Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is not waiting for his consent.

 

THE SUBJEGATOR is a 100,000-word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Your query is nice and concise--good job there! I think it will be really good if you use the last sentence of your first paragraph as a hook, and then move the history to the next paragraph. I think your query breaks down a bit when you get to the friend part. After reading your query, I also have quite a few questions:

 

1. How does Karan's relationship with Chhaya trigger this new confrontation? Is he the only person with this special power? Your query says there are others.

2. You said the gap dissolves, which made me think there is a physical border that is destroyed. Is that the case? What is the gap?

3. What are the monsters? Could you maybe clarify a bit?

 

I hope this helps.



#20 MakeReadWrite

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Posted 01 September 2017 - 06:49 AM

Hi - returning the favour!

 

 

Hooray, its 270 words now :)

 

Thanks again for your points

 

Here is the latest version:

 

==========================

 

Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war. If it was not for an aboriginal primate who attained extraordinary abilities, human mythology's gods and monsters might have been very different. In modern day Mumbai, twenty-six year old KARAN (seems REALLY old for a YA - 15-18 is the more usual age - do you think perhaps this is more of a NA/ adult novel?) is living a happy life, until a chance encounter with CHHAYA (I don't think character names need to be in all caps for a query?) dissolves the gap between gods and aliens. (woah - that's a lot to take in for the initial hook? Possibly simplify/remove backstory?)

 

Within months, Karan is head over heels for Chhaya. But when he begins to tell her how he feels, she reveals herself to be an alien manipulating Karan into liking her. She explains that Karan’s genes possess the power of subjugation through telepathy, one of the eight attainments of the ancient aboriginal. (too wordy - you could simplify a lot. Brevity and clarity are key in a query.)

 

As Chhaya requests Karan to help find and lead the other possessors, all Karan can think of is her deception and his broken heart. In disbelief and pain, Karan confides in his best friend. But when Karan learns from him that their friendship is a sham created to protect his genes, he gets shattered (shattered doesn't work here when referring to him, you'd need to say his heart is shattered - but even that may sound a little clumsy) even further.

 

While everything he knew about his life turning out to be a farce,(generalisation/could be trimmed) Karan is forced to make a choice: listen to his heart and condemn the ones that lied to him, or ignore his emotions and try to save the galaxy by facing the monsters that even the gods are petrified of.

 

And he needs to do it quickly, because there is someone else around who wants his powers, and is they won't not waiting for his consent.

 

The Subjugator (Title should be in all caps) is a 100,000 (seems a little long for a YA - but depends how much worldbuilding you've included) word YA fantasy novel with elements of science-fiction, along with mythology-reality bridge like the Shiva trilogy by Amish Tripathi.

 

Sounds like you have some really interesting story elements here - but query is reading a little bit muddled.

 

I would recommend taking it down to the very basics and laying out generally:

 

- who the protagonist is (Karan)

- what the inciting incident is (falling for and then being betrayed by Chhaya and his best friend) 

- what decision the protagonist must make (Karan must decide if he can put his broken heart to one side in order to save the galaxy?)

 

Once you've done that you can go through and weave in all the little details that make your story unique (reference the powers, the mythology etc) without getting caught up in anything that reads like backstory/infodumping (eg 'Thousands of years ago, Earth became the battleground for a galactic civil war.')

 

I would also recommend doing some research on your genre because I suspect you don't really have a YA book if the novel is 100,000 words with a 26-year-old protagonist - and this is the sort of thing that stands out as a lack of knowledge when querying.

 

Hope that helps - best of luck!







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